To medicate or not to medicate?

Bear with me, here.

Ok. So, I was diagnosed with a serious, life-threatening, long-term, incurable illness at 15. It's called bipolar disorder. How did they know? Because I was a pretty horribly depressed, weird, kind of violent, and crazy teenager whose mother was bipolar. And so they put me on litium. But what if I was just a regular teenager whose life was falling apart and so acted out? What if it wasn't mental illness? What if it was just... life? And now, 16 years later, what if all those drugs caused a mental illness?

Have I been off drugs for a period of time before? Yes. How'd it go? Not so hot. I was off drugs in college for a while (a year or more? I can't remember) and was a crying mess most of the time. But, I was also working 2 jobs, playing a sport, and taking 15 credits a semester. Anyone would be a crying mess. It was stressful. I was also constantly rescuing my mom from the streets or hospitals. It wasn't a good time for me, overall.

So now I'm off drugs again, not by my choice, but such is life. But I do have a choice of whether to get back on them or not. Of course, I'm 30, unemployed, living at home, and most of my close friends are 3,000 miles away, so it's not exactly a stable mental health environment for experimentation. Anyone would be a crying mess.

But maybe I'll stay off of them. I can't afford them. No matter what he gives me it's going to be a financial burden, and my number one peeve is financial instability. Sure, I feel like I'm going to freak out, but that could be because my body is just getting used to not being on drugs. It's used to the free and easy source of stabilizing chemicals. Like any addict coming down, you get a little weird for a while.

I don't know. I hate being dependant on them, but I'm so used to it that it's ok. I hate paying for them, but I've just been conditioned to keep doing it. Now that there's this break... I know, I know. I've been freaking out lately. But is it mental illness or life? Let's discuss.