Tell me about it

It's funny how depression can make you feel so alone, so isolated in your own head. I see people every day. I work in a store where new people come in, and old faces stop by to say hi to the big boss. That's people around all the time.

And I live with another human being. Last night my dad and I watched the snow fall on the tennis courts outside and cars struggling to get up the hill. "The snow is so pretty, but look how heavy it is!" he said, and probably not with the exclamation mark I gave him. It was weighing down the power lines across the street, and the power was flickering. We sat and watched tv, eating popcorn, only interrupting occasionally to remark on the state of the weather.

I get emails from 3 people daily that I can count on (they send me funny articles), and I usually get a text from my mom or Adam.

Then how can I feel so alone? Why haven't I told any of them how I feel? Adam knows, but that's because he read the blog last week. Why can't I pick up a phone and reach out to the people who love me? I know they love me...right?

That's just part of depression: the isolation, the thoughts that no one will understand or you'll just be a burden on them. It's part of the illness. It's just your illness secluding you more so it can attack. So you have to reach out. You have to get up, no matter how much energy it takes, and go to work. You have to call someone, anyone, and tell them how you're REALLY feeling.

Will I take my own advice? I don't know. Every time I get close to calling for help I hang up the phone or delete the email. I suppose I tested some people out last night by asking for mania or depression stories. Tanya knew something was up, and talked to me a little bit about some of the manic fun we used to have in college. We used to disappear all the time, or go to the bar and cause trouble. "Let's go out and sing karaoke soon. We'll just get loud and obnoxious, again."

But I didn't have it in me to say: I'm suicidal and I need your help. I don't know what I would be asking for. When you call the 800 numbers they get you help, but I already have an appointment for help. I already have a therapist. What good would come from telling anyone any of this? I just need to hang on. Few more hours....