8 months sober

I just realized that as of today, I'm 8 months sober. That's pretty good. I could almost have had a baby at this point.

It's hard to tell just how I feel, because the bipolar mess is getting in the way, but I can tell you I'm enjoying being sober. It's nice to not have to stuff everything down with drugs or alcohol. I feel almost less depressed, just because I don't have to be so embarrassed anymore. I'm not making late night drunken, crying phone calls or falling down. I'm not late to work because I'm hungover, or hungover at work. My skin feels better. My body feels lighter. I don't have horrible headaches or skinned knees anymore.

I remember a lot of times I would get drunk and call my mom or Adam and talk about how I had a problem with alcohol. I was always drunk and complaining, and I'm sure didn't make a lick of sense. Now, I don't have to do that anymore.

And although I'm really depressed right now and suicidal, I think I'm alive because I'm not drinking. Last time I was suicidal, I drank myself into a position where I tried to commit suicide. Now, I have control over my faculties (sort of). Bipolar and alcohol together equal zero impulse control. Without alcohol, I have a semblance of control. I can resist those impulses to hurt myself. I really believe if I thought it was an option to get drunk, I would be dead.

It's also been 2 months since I quit smoking. I can tell you, I smell a lot better, and my breathing is so much easier. If I could get up the energy to run, I'm sure it would feel a hell of a lot better.

So 8 months. I wish I could say it's been all roses, but such is life. Life is interesting, and if it had been all perfect, well, it wouldn't be interesting.