Friday, June 24, 2011
Anne and the very bad day
Sometimes you've got to dig deep and grab that small part of you that might be excited, and hold on to it. I had interviews number 30 and 31 the other day, and I just don't care. People ask how they went, and I don't know. It's all the same. They're just like all the others that didn't call me back. I'm just feeling jaded. And then Adam and I got into a fight, my dad told me I should never show my tattoos around him, and I lost my contact in my eye. All petty shit, right? But it builds up.
So let's dissect this: my dad basically told me to keep pretending to be something I'm not while I'm with him. He doesn't like the real me - the one covered in tattoos. It's not like I ever curse around him or do anything else I do with others, but pretending to be the "good girl" forever sucks while it's 94 degrees and you have to wear a sweater to cover up your tattoo. Why can't he accept and love me for who I am? That's a hard lesson I just had to learn, and part of the reason I moved cross-country last time. It just makes me want to run away again.
Adam and I got in a fight. He said he was going to come up north with me for the week, and then bailed because he got a better offer. I don't blame him for bailing - he was asked to do something really cool and special - but he does this a lot. "I'll call you back," and then it's weeks before you hear from him. "I'm coming out," and then you don't know his travel plans till the day before, or even if he's coming or not. It's selfish to keep your plans to yourself. I think the biggest part, besides the not being able to plan around his word, is that I get excited to see him and then he bails at the last minute. Sure, he shows up when there's trouble, and I can always count on him then, but I think it's because he likes the chaos. When it's just he and I, I can never trust that he's coming. I don't deserve to be treated like that. I don't know how to talk to him about it because he just wasn't hearing me before.
And that's pretty much it. I'm just frustrated and a little disappointed in people.
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Hi Anne,
ReplyDeleteI have a bipolar illness. My girlfriend, Melanie, also has bipolar. I am 48 and had shock treatment etc at 19; but never had it since. Mel is 36, and has had ECT 3 times since she was 28. I am on epilim and seroquel and I also have had to battle alcohol abuse and episodes of drug abuse; Mel is on tegratol (sp?) and seroquel but unlike me has never abused alcohol and drugs; however, she has caused us some BIG scares by taking WAY too much seroquel and other psych pills when she is not well.
We both have tattoos. Our parents know but don't really care that much.
I have followed your blog, on and off, for some months.
I see Mel later today. I am going to encourage her to also follow your blog.
I wish you all the best, Anne.
Paul (Australia).
PS- If you do check out my blog and parts of it seem crazy that is because after being 100% sober and quite mentally stable for almost 2 years, I have over the past 2-3 months not been that well. A lot of this has to do with some serious troubles I've had with the local Mental Health Team in this area. The sort of trouble I've never had in at least 6 other parts of Australia I have lived in. BTW- A local male psych nurse was sacked by Area Health for abuse and threats he made against me and my family in blog comments and emails (he and a few others thought they could do it anonymously but they were tracked down and caught-) I know this might sound delusional but believe me it (and some other crazy local stuff in mental health) really happened. I have mostly responded on my blog with jokes about it but the truth..........well as they say: "Truth is stranger than fiction".
Sorry, if I have raved on too much here.
PSPS- I have a criminal record and would never be able to enter the USA. But I like reading your blog. You are an interesting person; and comparing USA to Australia, some things are very similar but other things are very different.