Job-less

Looks like no job this week. The place down here just called to say there's a delay because of something going on there, paperwork and politics. And the place up north told me earlier that they still have to interview more people, which is a soft "no." So that means I'm basically unemployed through April. Even if I heard from the people here next week, I wouldn't start till mid-April, probably. Which means at least another 2 months of living at home.

I'm starting to get really depressed.

I just feel worthless, and useless, and pathetic. I can't seem to do anything with myself. I'm just... here.

I have interviews next week to prepare for, but I don't have the energy. And I don't care. I'm going away this weekend down south for a benefit for a place my friend Sam works, which should be nice. He's very entertaining and wants to go to the museum, too. I've never been down there, so a new city would be nice for the weekend.

Next weekend I'm flying out to the other coast to run the marathon of doom (cause I'm not prepared) and get the rest of my tattoo done. I'm starting to not even care about that, which is bad. I'm excited, really. It'll be really cool. I've always wanted a sleeve tattoo.

I give up. I'm going back to bed.

My girl likes to sleep all the time

Well, now I think we've made the switch from insomnia to over-somnia. I just want to go back to sleep. I went to bed at 10:30 last night and didn't get up and get dressed till 1pm this afternoon. So I've been up an hour and a half and already all I want to do is go back to bed. I just don't have anything to do with myself, so what's the point? I'm just sitting here watching Facebook and Twitter.

I need to find something to do. My dad has the car, so there's no going out far, but I could go into the city and just wander. I could go to a museum. I could... none of this sounds appealing. Sleep sounds awesome. I'm not even interested in finishing my coffee, which is unheard of. I hate depression.

And to make it worse, I have 2 more interviews next week. None of which I really care about, because I just don't care anymore. And I haven't heard back from the people who promised to call this week. It's Friday, for crying out loud. At 2:30. They're not going to call. I need to stop relying on these people for my happiness. I need to find something else to do. "Live, don't just exist." says my aunt.

I like me

Could just be the depression talking, but I've got to admit some things to myself: I don't really like running. I don't get stressed and think, "A good run will make me feel better." In fact, I usually think I should think that. And although I loved being a size 6, I'm perfectly comfortable naked at any size. I'm not ashamed of my body. In fact, I think it's pretty awesome. I'm sexy, and curvy, and covered in tattoos, and I love it.

So why do I try so hard? Why do I run anyway? Why do I keep going back to Weight Watchers? Because I worry. I worry that I won't look good in the kind of clothes I want to wear. I worry my tattoos will expand if I get fat again. I worry, I worry, I worry. And needlessly, methinks.

So I'm going to stop fooling myself. I'm ok the way I am. If I buy clothes I like in sizes that fit, it doesn't matter what size that is. My body is healthy and seems to settle at this weight, so let it be. Stop trying to be someone you're not. I've never been an athlete, so why force it? Just. Be. Me.

Depression smells like feet

Well, I finally went to sleep and then got up at 9. So that's 5 hours of sleep. At least it's something. I made it out of the house today to do some errands - I really needed face cream. I hate when my face is dry and tight. I can't stand it. It feels all greasy right now since I haven't had a shower. I also need to eat something. I've had a banana, a Fiber One bar, and some coffee. But I'm just not in the mood to eat. Of course, I have a headache. From lack of sleep, food, or whatever, but I do.

It's only 2pm and I've run out of things to do with myself. I did my errands, I checked my email. Maybe I can go to bed. I sleep better during the day, anyway. I should really go back out and see my mom and my dog. I miss the dog. He was always so comforting when I was depressed. That little dog can cheer anyone up. He's so loving and sweet.

Maybe I should get roommates when I move out. I'll just get rid of my couch, which is fine. I love the couch, but it is uncomfortable. I don't know if I should live alone. I like living alone, but it's probably bad for me. Easier to just sequester myself in the house and not leave for days.

Now I'm just rambling.

What is it?

Oh, don't worry, I'm still awake. I have no idea how many nights this is, but I've got to get my sleep back to normal soon. I'm not getting anything done during the day because I don't go to bed till 6, and then I lie there from 10 to 2 staring at the ceiling refusing to get out of bed. So I waste my entire day, and then I'm up at night.

This is getting ridiculous. If I didn't feel like such shit I would think I'm getting manic. I want to buy plane tickets and other stuff. I want to shop. I keep coming up with all these excuses to shop, but I'm not awake when the stores are open. And I promised no online shopping during Lent. So I'm just sitting here reading crap online and trying not to think so much. I'm trying to space out.

And now I have a huge headache. Perhaps the best thing to do is to just lie down in the dark and wait. Sitting here at the computer isn't doing me any favors.

Travel the depression away

I just feel like curling up into a ball and hiding under my covers. Not that I could sleep, or anything, but I just don't want to be awake anymore. I haven't brushed my teeth in days, and I haven't taken a shower today. That's really weird for me. I take a shower even on my darkest days. Perhaps the Celexa isn't working at all. Maybe I should take the emergency Abilify? I only have a months worth, so I don't want to waste it if this is just situational. I'll wait it out a few more days and see if it gets debilitating.

At least my nails are pretty. They still look nice from when I got them done last week for my birthday. I can't believe it's only been a week. It's been a long week of no sleep and waiting for things to happen. Instead, absolutely nothing has happened and I'm still waiting. Fuck, this is frustrating! My whole body is a ball of tense stress. I can feel my back out of whack and my shoulders are up to my ears.

Maybe I should go get a massage. That would make my body feel better. But what will make me feel better, besides a job? And would a job even help anymore? I feel so nervous about working, now. I've been out of work so long that maybe I forgot how to work? How to use Outlook and Excel and the like? Maybe I'm getting dumber by the minute?

What I really need to do is go renew my passport and then take a trip. Perhaps I can take a trip anyway, but just go visit my friends in the middle of the country. I have a friend in Kansas I should see, and Jennifer just moved, too. I could go visit them. I'm going next Friday back to where I used to live to run that marathon that I'm not prepared for. Should be interesting to hang out there. Everything has changed. Michael is dating, Jennifer moved far away, and Andrea lives a few towns over, now. It will be different. But I get to get a new tattoo!! That should cheer me up.

Never a dull moment

I have no maternal instinct. I was hanging out over at Diane's with her three year-old and I had him in my lap. "You're the only person in the world who wouldn't be kissing his head or trying to cuddle with him. You're just sitting there." Like a chair. What? I felt fine, but I was almost uncomfortable. Kids kind of scare me. I don't really like them, either. They're loud and messy and demanding. I'm ok without all of that. I don't get the emotional benefits a lot of people seem to get from hanging out with kids. I think if I had kids it would just be to fit in, and that seems more selfish than anything else.

So I'm pretty sure I don't want kids. Maybe someone else's teenagers or something, but I'm ok without the whole having a baby thing. I like the independent life. Hell, I have trouble staying in a relationship or a job longer than 2 years. How can I commit to a lifetime job? I'd get so sick of it....

Anyway, I'm worried that Diane's ex is going to hurt her. He's pretty abusive and doesn't seem to understand the rules of the world - like you have to pay your bills, clean your own house, and yes, the rules like traffic laws apply to you. He doesn't care about their son at all, he just wants to keep control of Diane. She's slowly pulling away, and I think he's showing anger. I really hope he doesn't do anything stupid. Jesus, her life is a mess, too.

What causes this?

Insomnia can be caused by any number of things including anxiety, depression, mania, medications, caffeine, or just changes. Of course, my life is full of all of these. So how to pinpoint the cause? I suppose I could say it started when I changed my medication, so the most likely culprit is the Celexa. But I'm also really anxious about the job situation this week, and feeling my depression more. So who the hell knows what it is? All I know is I can't sleep.

I'm sure I'll be tired tomorrow and then want to take a nap because I have nothing to do with my day. And then I'll sleep for an hour and feel great, and not sleep again tomorrow night. But my body feels fine without sleep. Which is worrisome. That's always a mania sign. But I'm not impulsive or destructive, so I don't think mania is here, or coming. I think I'm just... awake.

And the bigger problem is that now that everyone else is asleep and I'm alone to stare at the computer, I just want to eat. I'm not hungry, but the kitchen is calling me. Boredom eating. Blech. And there's nothing good in there, anyway. Just some rice and yogurt. Don't do it, Anne.

Nope, still up

I can't believe I'm still awake, but I am. I have horrible indigestion (not that I've eaten that much today) and lying down is uncomfortable. But I just want to do it anyway. I want to sleep. I want to dream. But I can't. So I'm sitting here desperately searching the internet for something to do. I might just end up playing Angry Birds, again.

I hate insomnia.

And of course, there's all sorts of things I could be doing with my time. I have some thank you notes to write. I could be doing a little work on ... I don't know, something. I could be cleaning my room. But I'm just going to sit here and watch the Twitter feed and see what people in other countries are doing. They are awake because it's normal to be awake right now in their time zone.

It's sleepy time

Here I am again, with nothing to do and no one to talk to except this blog. It's midnight and I'm hoping to get to sleep sometime soon - like within the half hour. What would help is if I turned off the computer, but I keep staring at it like it's going to get up and do a jig. Instead, the web just looks back at me and waits for my input.

Julie was telling me I need to get some sleep habits. "Like drink chamomile tea and write for a little while before bed. Or read something, but put down the technology." Fine, whatever. But I can't keep my attention on reading anything. I've got stacks of magazines just piled up waiting for me to get over my depression. I don't think I've read one since before Christmas. And a book? Wow. It's been since September that I've read a book.

Unemployment and depression just kill your ability to take part in things you love. So I just forcefully signed myself up to go over to Diane's tomorrow night. It will be good for me to get out of the house, even if she's not the most mentally healthy person to hang out with. At least I'll be with someone else and not alone in front of the computer.

So I'm going to try it - just lie down and see what happens. Hopefully I'll be asleep soon and not back in an hour to write another post on how I can't sleep.

I'm in: Stop Self Hate

There's a lovely lady on Twitter (VoiceinRecovery) who decided to start a new campaign to stop self hate. "Because I am ready. I want to prevent eating disorders, self hate, self harm, and radically work towards self love, respect," she says.

And how do you stop self hate? Well, it's the little things. It's all about the self care things you do everyday like eating right, but not obsessing over it. Exercising, but not too much. Everything in moderation. Just being comfortable with yourself. One of the things I've started doing is buying myself flowers. They brighten up my room and keep me happy. I always get different types so that I can have different colors and blooms.

Some things I can do to love myself a little more is forgive myself for gaining some weight. It's ok. I've been through a lot lately, and it's ok to have fallen a bit off track. It doesn't mean I'm a loser or hideous or anything. In fact, I'm probably at a healthier weight now. My body has settled. I need to be ok with it, even if it means buying bigger clothes.

So what can you do to love yourself a little more? Be a little less judgmental? Show yourself the kindness you would a friend.

Stop self hate.

Let's get the sleep in order

Julie and I talked about my biggest problem lately: the sleep cycle is all messed up. Apparently, I'm not alone. "In fact, 43% of Americans between the ages of 13 and 64 say they rarely or never get a good night's sleep on weeknights, according to a recent poll by the National Sleep Foundation." I'm sure some of those people have the same problem I do, well, I think: side effects from meds.

Celexa can cause insomnia and so can depression, both of which I have. Julie thinks it's the caffeine intake. Probably because she see's me with a cup of coffee every time I go in. It's my ritual before therapy to get a cup of coffee. It's my only purchased coffee of the week, usually. I like latte's. What can I say?

Whatever the reason, my sleep is all messed up. I'm either not sleeping at all, or sleeping 12+ hours at a time. And I never know which night is going to be which. It just happens. I don't do anything differently. I don't drink extra caffeine or anything like that. I just sometimes can't even close my eyes I'm so awake.

"You need something to exhaust you during the day."

"Like a job?" I said, snarkily.

Situational depression sucks

I know I'm depressed, but there's just such a good reason for it. It's impossible to separate out the situational depression from the bipolar depression. Will increasing or changing meds help? Is the Celexa doing anything? I'm not suicidal, so that's good. Apparently one of them (Celexa or Lithium) is doing something. But not enough. I'm still depressed.

But what do I expect? Magic? Do I think the drugs are going to suddenly make it all better? They can't do that. Everything really is shitty. I mean, really. I can put a happy and grateful spin on everything like I've been doing for 6 months, but when you come down to it, my life is shitty right now. I could also point out that it's my own damn fault. Well, some of it. I need to get out there and do more things.

I signed up to volunteer at two events coming up. I love volunteering. I love the free t-shirt, most, but I love to get out there and be happy and smiling at events. I also signed up to be a volunteer at the Zoo's special events, so hopefully they email me soon about stuff. I used to work at the Zoo where I used to live and work their events. It was always so much fun.

So, you see, I'm trying. I'm trying to be optimistic and grateful and get out there. But I'm still depressed. So what's going to change it all? A job and an apartment of my own will help. A little of my independence back. A life. Getting to know more people and making more friends. Visiting my dog. What else can I do? Make this go away!

Sobriety makes life easier

I was talking to Adam the other night about being sober. "Have you given up on AA?" he asked. Yes, I think I have. I mean, it's a great program, and it helps a lot of people, but I'm just bad with groups. I love to join groups, but I don't last long. I'm just not that great of a social being, especially while I'm depressed. It was a nice way to help me get started being sober.

But what I've found is I no longer tell myself I CAN'T have alcohol. I just decided not to have it. I've made a choice, not a provision in my life. I decided that for today I don't want to drink. Maybe I'll have a drink tomorrow, but today I'm ok without it. In fact, I feel better. My depression is lighter, even. My meds work better. I'm all around better off for not having alcohol in my life.

And what's cool is sometimes restaurants have neat non-alcoholic drinks to try. This restaurant we went to made it's own ginger ale, which was fizzy and cool to drink. I never would have tried it before. I would have just gone straight for the alcohol.

Being sober is something I think that has saved my life in the past few months. I know if I had still been drinking when I was off meds I would have tried to kill myself instead of just thinking about it. I know now that though I may spend my days sitting in front of the computer, at least I'm not spending it in front of a bar and sleeping with random strangers, because that's what I would be doing. I've learned that you can go to concerts sober. You can have holidays sober. You can go through job loss and major depression sober. And it makes it all easier.

Why didn't I think of this before?

Lipstick makes me feel better

For some reason, just the act of putting on lipstick can brighten my day. I suppose it's the feeling of actually doing something for myself. A little self-care. I don't know. But it definitely makes me feel better.

I have a great pinkish coral shade I found in Paris that I love to wear. It's really bright, and definitely a statement. I wore it on my birthday. I love to put it on. It just makes me feel empowered for some reason! Right now I put on a pale pink. It was the first one I saw on my counter, and it seemed like the way to go today.

I've been thinking about makeup lately. I don't wear any unless I'm going out on a special occasion. I'm just really too lazy to do it everyday, and I never thought I needed it. But lately I've been thinking about how uneven my skin tone is becoming. I don't know if it's aging or the change in climate, but I think I might need to start wearing makeup. I have some, and I like it. It's really light and almost invisible. Perhaps I'll start experimenting while I'm unemployed.

What is this feeling?

So last night, I finally got some sleep. I went to bed at midnight and got up at noon. I think it's because I didn't take the Celexa. I moved it to the mornings, so I took it this morning instead. It's not keeping me up, per se, but it's definitely giving me that blank feeling. I just can't seem to feel. At least I got dressed today.

Perhaps it's all stress based. I'm supposed to hear from those two jobs this week, and I don't have anything else waiting in the wings, so they're really important. If no job this week, it won't be till May that something comes (figuring another months process of interviews). I'm so stressed out about it. I can't think of anything to do to distract myself, either. I suppose I should go for a run, but that's not going to happen, I know it. It was hard enough just to get these clothes on, let alone change again and then make my way outside.

What is wrong with me? The double dose of Celexa was supposed to cause mania, if anything. Why am I still depressed? Oh yeah, cause my life sucks right now. I'm stuck here at dad's, I'm broke, I lost my dog and my car to my mom, I don't have a job, and I don't have any friends. That last one isn't true, but most of my friends are living in different states, and all of them work during the day, so I'm alone 90% of the time.

You're not alone, you say. Your dad is retired. He's home. Yeah, well, he's more of a hermit than I am. He sits in his room with his baseball cards and I sit in mine with my technology, and we see each other in the kitchen sometimes. It's like living alone.

Ok, I'm done whining for the day. I think.

I'm so bored

I hate this. I'm in one of those moods where I'm not depressed, per se, but I'm just... eh. Here. I can't think of anything to do and so I'm just sitting here reading Twitter and the news channels, which are all about the disasters happening in Japan. It's starting to depress me to read about it, so I'm trying to find other news, and there's nothing.

I need a job. I need something to do during the day. I could go pick up some pictures I had framed, but I'm saving that for Thursday when I have all day to do nothing. Today I have therapy for the first time in 2 weeks. I accidentally forgot one week, and the next she was on vacation.

So what has happened in the last two weeks? Well, she'll be happy that I went out on a date and to a party. She likes when I get out of the house. I like when I get out of the house, too, but it just never seems to happen. I suppose I have been doing a lot on the weekends when other people are available. It's just times like these: 3pm on a Tuesday, when everyone else is working. What do you do with yourself?

Do your drugs really work?

"Americans are less than 5% of the world's population, yet they consume 66% of the world's psychological medications."

That's a lot of us drugged up on Prozac and Xanax and the like. But do these meds even work? According to this article, they work 25% of the time. As much as a placebo does. Yet we're paying millions of dollars a year for them, and risking complications like permanent involuntary movements and heart disease. Psychiatry has changed from one of care and do no harm to drug and don't care about it. Who knows what we're really taking in with these medications!

I'm not saying stop taking them. I'm going to keep taking mine. They're the only thing between me and a horrible depression, and I'm much happier risking losing a few years to heart disease than dying now because of depression.

I'm ok, you're ok

I just got an email from a place I interviewed and she had the nicest compliment for me. "I thought you were very grounded and genuinely happy (which is actually hard to come by these days) and you seemed flexible and likely to get along well with just about anyone." Genuinely happy, huh? Man, I'm a good actress!

But I suppose I am generally ok. I'm an optimistic person, and I like to look at the bright side of everything. I suppose that keeps me on the happier side. I have been able to be pretty ok with everything that's happening in my life and the world despite it's challenges. I suppose I could add resilient to all that above.

Maybe it's modern pharmaceuticals, maybe it's me, maybe it's a combination of both.

In the aftermath

I fell asleep sometime as it was getting light and the airplanes started going overhead. I think it was 6:30 or 7. Then I got up at 10, and then noon. I'm so exhausted right now that I can't even think of what to do with myself. I don't want to read the news, because it's so horribly depressing, and I've already done my family duty today. I went and hung out with my cousin for a while, which was awesome. She's a really cool person and nice to talk to.

Perhaps I should take a nap. I know that will increase the chances I'll be up all night again, but I don't know if I can make it.

Yep, still here

Well, it's 5:30 in the morning and I'm still awake. Michael has long since gone to bed, because it's even late over there. I'm guessing it's the Celexa that's keeping me up. I laid down for a bit, but I'm restless. I can't seem to just lie there. And when I do, I still don't sleep. But I'm tired now. I wish I could sleep. Maybe I'll try again. Just force myself to lie there for a long time.

Or I could play video games. Or surf the internet. People are about to be awake.

No, I should try to sleep. I just hope this doesn't induce a manic episode.

It's all about the work

"The evidence shows that people can find meaning in seemingly insignificant jobs and that even trivial tasks make us far happier than no tasks at all."

That's right, even crap jobs make us happier than being unemployed. I sure could have told them that. Jesus, if I don't get a job soon....

I've been doing some contract work on the side, but I fear I'm not doing a good job. I'm 6 months out of practice doing anything, and I feel like my skills are dwindling by the second. I hope they like what I sent them on Friday. Either way, I'm getting paid, which is nice, but I don't care. It's about the working, not the money.

Be all you can be

Be a nice girl, Michael says.

I am a nice girl. I go by a code of morals and rules that come from the Golden Rule and do no harm. I try to be good to people. But I've always tried to be the bad girl. The drunk, high, smoking, girl in black with tattoos and combat boots. I wanted multi-colored hair but couldn't do it because of work. I'm always dressed normally, and nicely, for work. In the past year it's all changed. I've lost the smoking, drinking, and getting high. I have almost all nice clothes and nothing skanky at all. I wear high heels.

I know none of this makes me a "bad" girl or a "good" girl, but I've always wanted to be a bad girl. It's not going to happen. I suppose I just need to be myself.

Enter the dating world

Ugh oh. I think I might be dating.

I don't want to be dating. I don't want a relationship. I thought I did, for a while, but I really feel like my life is in too much chaos at this point for anything else. And I don't know about opening myself up to someone again. It takes so much energy. I don't mind it, but I get really intense without meaning to. I suppose relationships make me manic in the beginning, and then I get cranky. I know my pattern, and I need to change it.

The double dose of Celexa has also killed my sex drive, and so has gaining weight. I don't particularly feel like having sex any time soon. Whatever. I'm so blase.

Anyway, so I went to breakfast and a museum with a guy on Saturday, thinking I'm making a new friend. Now, he wants to tell me that he's in the middle of a divorce "before you find out from Facebook." Why would I care unless he thinks we're dating, right? I'll have to set him straight soon. I don't want to date right now, but I am in need of friends. Damn. Why is life so complicated?

And you know what he just told me? His divorce is because of her "descent into alcoholism." I told him I don't drink, but not that I was in AA. I wonder how he'd feel. I wonder if he'd freak that I'm bipolar. Life.

Sleep, damnit

It's 2am and I'm awake. It's been on and off sleep and insomnia all week. One night I'm up till 5 and up at 9am, and the next day I'm down for naps all day. It's a vicious cycle, but I'm just not tired. I can't seem to just lie down, but I'm not hyper or energetic, either. It's not like I'm busy and that's why I'm awake. I'm sitting here playing on the internet again and emailing with Michael. Sigh.

I'm really nervous about this week. I have a feeling it's the week I'm going to get a job, but I don't know which one it will be. I have a feeling it's the one here that I don't want that much, but screw it: it's work. And it would have really good benefits and nice people. I just need to train myself to be a little more... uptight. I can handle it. I can handle anything.

It would be so nice to have a job. I'm so sick of being unemployed and without my own home. I know it's not the biggest travesty in the world, but losing your independence is depressing. Now I know how old people feel. Sort of.

Enough of my blathering. Time to download more apps for the iPhone. Free, of course, since I gave up online shopping.