What to worry about next

My interview this morning went pretty well. I caught myself saying, "Um" a couple of times, but I think it went over fine. She said she thinks I would be an asset, and that they'll call me about an in person interview.

I think if they offer it, I'll take it. I'd rather be employed - if even only part-time - than sit around on my ass and not do anything for the next possibly 27 weeks or more.

But then again, what if a full-time job comes along? Am I just going to quit something after a couple of months? That seems wrong to me. Maybe I can get a second part-time gig.

And I think maybe I'll stay here with my dad while I do part-time. It wouldn't make sense to work just to pay the rent and have nothing left over afterwards. It would be about half of what I made last year, so it's not a whole lot of money.

So many decisions based on nothing. I haven't even had a second interview, for crying out loud. I need to be easier on myself.

We're all in this together

"About one in five Americans 25-34 and one in five of those 65 and older live in households in which at least two adult generations, or a grandparent and at least one other generation, share the same roof, Pew found.

The struggling economy most definitely accelerated the trend. Pew found that from 2007 to 2008, the number of Americans living in a multigenerational family household grew by 2.6 million."

So there are more of us. More people in my age group are moving back in with their parents, who are in that 55-75ish age range, and it's not to take care of our aging parents. It's because we can't find a job. And:

"From 2005 to 2009, family households added about 3.8 million extended family members, from adult siblings and in-laws to cousins and nephews. Extended family members now make up 8.2% of family households, up from 6.9% in 2005, according to Census data out this week."

Some statistics

"More people quit their jobs in the past three months than were laid off — a sharp reversal after 15 straight months in which layoffs exceeded voluntary departures. The trend suggests the job market is finally thawing.

Some of the quitters are leaving for new jobs. Others have no firm offers. But their newfound confidence about landing work is itself evidence of more hiring and a strengthening economy."

Thawing, eh? This is from June. I know where I was living it sure hasn't thawed. It seems better here. There are a lot of jobs out there, just a lot I'm not qualified for.

"The number of unemployed persons (14.9 million) and the unemployment rate (9.6 percent) were little changed in August. From May through August, the jobless rate remained in the range of 9.5 to 9.7 percent." According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, "The number of long-term unemployed (those jobless for 27 weeks and over) declined by 323,000 over
the month to 6.2 million. In August, 42.0 percent of unemployed persons had been jobless for 27 weeks or more."

27 weeks!!! Oh my God. I can't stay here for more than half a year! Jesus, that would just kill me to be dependent that long. To have to stay here where books go to heaven (have I mentioned my dad is a book collector? It's worse than you think.). I suppose I'll have to get used to the thought that this could last a little bit of time.

Big sigh

I'm stressed. My counselor keeps telling me how blessed I am, and I agree. It's true. I have a lot going for me, and apparently 1/3 of young folks are living with their parents because they can't find jobs.

I just really want a place to call home. I still feel like I'm on vacation. I really want something to do during the day, too. I love watching Law & Order, don't get me wrong, but there's something about having a job. It's an identity thing. "What do you do?" I'm unemployed. Sounds crappy. I usually say I got laid off.

I'm working on a pro bono project, which is good. I am talking to someone tomorrow about a part time job, but I'm not sure whether it's worth losing my unemployment for. If it's a year contract, I might do it. It looks like if they pay me at the top of the range, I would be making more than unemployment would pay. Otherwise, it's best to stick with being fed by the state, yes? I would feel so much better supporting myself. I hate being dependent on anyone or anything, like my parents and the state. My counselor, and even my past therapist, told me I need to stop being so hard on myself, but I feel like accepting unemployment would be like cruising through. I want to be able to hold my head high, not feel like a bum. I feel like a bum, now.

Always something there to remind me

Sometimes when I have a diet Coke it smells like booze. I think it's from all the watered down Jack and diet's I've had in my lifetime. They all start to taste the same, and now I think it's just the diet Coke that reminds me of drinking.

Sometimes cigarettes remind me of booze, too. This afternoon I was smoking a cigarette and it just suddenly flashed on me that it reminded me of booze. Maybe even tasted like it.

I'm not really thinking about drinking at all. I have had the occasional, "wow, a glass of wine is what I would normally use to cure this," kind of thought, but not the desire to drink. I haven't had any booze dreams or anything like that, either. It's pretty amazing not to have turned to a drink at this point. Everything is upside down: I'm in the looking glass. I can see normality on the other side, but I just can't reach it.

A sponsor?

Went to a beginners womens meeting tonight. We talked about powerlessness. I feel completely powerless right now. I'm powerless over my job hunt. I'm powerless over the fact that I have to live with my dad. I'm powerless over the fact that I don't have my car and am kind of stuck here. I'm completely powerless.

My life is in chaos right now. It just seems like everything is a mess. But, I have so much to be thankful for. I need to keep remembering that, and give the rest of it up to God to deal with.

I think I found a temporary sponsor, though. She seems nice, but she says I live too far from her to be a full-time sponsor. It's not horribly far, but it is in the next town over and at the far end of that town. But she can help me in the meantime. I'm going to a meeting at the Serenity Club tomorrow with her that is a 12 step meeting. It should be interesting, in the least.

More from the front

Alright, so I'm starting to get a little depressed. I feel like I'm a burden already. My mom doesn't live in a dog building, so she's got to give him back to me. That means getting used to a lot of new people and places again, and going through more stress. He's already a mess. I need to get him on Prozac. I also feel like I'm a burden on my dad. I take up room in the fridge, I know his water and electricity bills will go up, I don't know. I just wish I had a place of my own.

My stupid bridesmaids dress just arrived, which Adam find "tragically funny." Me too. It's pretty silly.

I need to get out for another run. It's been rainy and cold, so I've made excuses, but it seems like I should go out every day at 5 when Glen Beck is on. He's starting to convince me of things, and that's really frightening. Plus listening to my dad fight about politics is annoying as hell. Luckily, I spend all day watching Law & Order, so I've got that to fall back on during the day.

Time for my womens meeting. Let's see if I can find a sponsor.

Move your eyes

I'm writing some copy for a local nonprofit which does a neat little treatment called EMDR. It is: "Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is a form of psychotherapy that was developed to resolve symptoms resulting from disturbing and unresolved life experiences."

They use it on soldiers with PTSD and rape victims. It uses rapid eye movement with cognitive behavioral therapy type practices where you think about the bad stuff and reframe it in your head to think about better thoughts. They also use it for people who have suffered all sorts of other traumas like abuse.

I wonder if it would work with depression. Cognitive behavioral therapy is commonly used in depressive people, so adding EMDR might help even more. People in Alanon might also benefit from EMDR. "During her single EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) treatment session, I witnessed a remarkable transformation as she resolved her grief over being abandoned, her fear of dying and came to a decision that she would be OK."

Fear of abandonment is a common problem in people traumatized by things like having to grow up in scary environments. EMDR apparently works well for that. I know some people believe that outside therapies and drugs are like not being sober, but those people are ridiculously wrong. So says me. And I'm always right.

Your body working with you

"...body parts inside and out to influence and regulate the most intimate operations of emotional and social life. The stomach’s gastric activity , for example, corresponds to how intensely people experience feelings such as happiness and disgust.

In particular, heart rate variability (HRV), variation in the heart’s beat-to-beat interval, plays a key role in social behaviors ranging from decision-making, regulating one’s emotions, coping with stress, and even academic engagement. Decreased HRV appears to be related to depression and autism...."

So your heart has a lot to do with depression. I wonder if people with heart defects are more prone to depression? Perhaps people with depression have more ulcers instead of the other way around? Perhaps, again it comes back to the way you were made. Maybe there are more genes that have to do with depression and bipolar than just the genes that effect dopamine. There are so many things to study! I bet in our lifetime they still won't be able to pinpoint it all. But thank God there are some meds now that can help.

No wonder I'm so hungry

"Because narcotics such as cocaine, heroin and amphetamines, and even tasty and highly-caloric foods also cause the release of dopamine and therefore make people feel rewarded, it's clear that dopamine has a role in addiction and the development of obesity."

All of it has to do with dopamine. It seems that people seek it out. Pigs do, too. Truffles release dopamine in pigs, which is why they hunt them down. At least, that's my theory. I know that pigs hunt them down. I'm sure some other animals look for mushrooms for the same reason.

Dopamine deals with the pleasure receptors in your brain. All the drugs and high calorie foods make you feel good, too, according to this and other studies.

Perhaps we're all dopamine deprived? Perhaps addicts and compulsive eaters lack certain dopamine producing elements in their brains? There's a new article in Time this week talking about what things effect kids in the womb. Perhaps there are things that mothers of addicts do differently that creates this dopamine lack. Or maybe our receptors are messed up, instead. That's what the drugs do, they produce more dopamine.

Or maybe it's all genes: "But researchers may finally be honing in on specific genes tied to all types of addictions - and finding that some of the same genes associated with alcohol dependence are also closely linked with addictions to nicotine, cocaine, opoids, heroin and other substances."

More and more alcoholics

According to a new study, "More people are drinking than 20 years ago...." This is a rise above rates as close as the 1990s. They haven't yet deciphered if that means more alcoholics, but it seems like it would be something that would follow naturally with more drinking. I wonder if the rehab centers in the U.S. are seeing an uptick in patients with alcohol problems.

I also wonder if AA has seen an uptick in membership. I know that as being an alcoholic becomes less stigmatized they've seen more people, and I've met a few folks who joined when they were as young as 17. It's pretty amazing. I don't understand joining so young. Emily joined AA at 16, but left a year or so later. She now drinks like a normal person.

It seems like at 17 you're pretty stupid with all substances you use, especially alcohol. Even though you're underage, it's pretty easy to get a hold of, and when you've got it, it just seems like you have to abuse it in order to make it worth it. I'm not saying that young people can't be alcoholics, but I sure would relapse at age 21 just to make sure. But that's just me.

The weekend

It's amazing; I made it through the wedding without drinking. I used my tools: I kept a diet Coke in my hands the entire time, I called other alcoholics, I took breaks where I didn't have to be around the drunks. It went well, though hanging out with the bridesmaids all day while they were drinking was really tempting. But I made it.

A friend of mine says to be careful this week, since I'm probably a little on edge still from going through that and so many other changes. It has only been a week since I moved here, and only two since I was fired. I am eating like crazy, and smoking a lot, but we'll see if I can buck up and run more.

I'm going to that women's retreat this weekend in the city. I hope I can find a sponsor or at least some good women to talk with. I've been calling my contacts from where I moved from, but I know I need some local ladies to call and be able to hang out with. I'm also going to lunch with a friend of mine who doesn't drink, which will be nice.

I am getting a little stressed. I'm sleeping a lot more. I'm trying to stay out of that pattern. Maybe I should go for a run tomorrow morning and start my week over again?