Opposites attract

"The lifetime prevalence of alcohol dependence is 22% for individuals with any mental disorder compared to 14% for the general population, and the odds of having alcohol dependence if a person also has any mental disorder is 2.3 times higher than if there is no mental disorder."

I don't know how reliable this article is, but it's got footnotes, so I'm going with it. It's amazing the correlation between mental illness and addiction to any substances. Apparently, duh, abused substances can create psychiatric-like symptoms, which many people with mental illness seem to crave. Who doesn't like to be manic? Well, take some coke! And when you're depressed, somehow alcohol (a depressant) makes it better.

Perhaps, like some psychiatric drugs, the addictive drug has the opposite effect on mentally ill people than it does in the general population. Like Adderall, or Ritalin. They are uppers (prescription coke, basically) and docs give them to people who are manic or hyper-active and it calms them down. So something that would make most normal people manic, has the opposite effect on mentally ill folks.

I wonder if other substances work the same way?

Quickie

Went off to the lovely local aquarium today with some good friends, one who is in the program, too. We had a nice lunch at an outdoor cafe, and didn't have to have booze with it! What a revelation.

I'm feeling much better - the new meds kicked in, and I'm out and about more. I think I might actually feel...good!

I have no wisdom today, so I'll shut up.

Another ramble

I have absolutely nothing interesting to say today, so I'm just going to ramble.

I got my hair done last night, and went from bleach blonde to dark brown. I find it very amusing the shock that everyone at work elicits, and then the, "you're so funny! You're always changing!" I love change. I think change is a healthy part of life. One should take the chances one is given by the universe, and run with them. What fun is life if you keep going the same boring direction all the time?

I had another interview with a great company yesterday, and have a follow-up on Monday. My dad was so excited. "We can go to concerts together, again!" I used to love going to shows with him. He had season tickets to an outdoor pavilion, and we saw shows like The Who, Heart, and Evita (not with Madonna, the original). I look forward to being able to do that again.

I think Adam is a little hesitant about me coming home. He doesn't want to talk about it, and just asks if I've told my sponsor. I told her, and she is excited for me. "Not changing things is a suggestion. A good one, but if you are meant to do something, it will happen." I'm hoping it will happen.

Getting old is hard

Not that I'm old, or anything, but getting old is not for wimps. And that includes drinking when you're older.

"The reason is that older people metabolize alcohol more slowly, and they also have less water in their bodies. The result is that an adult who consumes just a few glasses of wine will have a higher percentage of alcohol in his or her blood than a younger person drinking the same thing."

Apparently that's why women can't drink as much, as well, because our bodies are less water than men's. Interesting, right? But they go on to say:

"The National Institutes of Health site says that people over 65 shouldn’t consume more than seven drinks in a week, and that they should have no more than three drinks on a given day."

Seriously? One a day, I suppose, is what they say helps with heart health (red wine, I hear), but three a day? That's nothing to me, but it seems like if alcohol is going to have a bigger effect on older people that it should be one or two a day. If one is going to cause you to be unstable on your feet, then two is probably dangerous. I don't know. Read the article and let me know what you think.

Are you an alcoholic?

Wonder if you have a drinking problem? Take this screening test from Johns Hopkins!

"Alcohol and drug use can progress into abuse and even addiction so insidiously that sometimes people do not realize that it has become a problem for them and those around them."

It's sometimes a slow progression. You start out like everyone else, having a few drinks at a cocktail party, having one while you cook dinner. Then it becomes having a few more with dinner. Then it's embarrassing yourself at a cocktail party because you've had one too many. Then it's drinking alone, or in the mornings, and it just gets really bad from there. Alcoholism is an insidious disease, which burrows it's way into your life, slowly but surely.

But there is a way out. You can stop drinking, promise. It might take detox, or a 12 step program like AA, but there is a way. If you think you have a problem, or know you have one, get help. You don't have to live like this anymore!

Impulsivity? What impulsivity?

"Personality traits associated with impulsivity normally decrease during emerging and young adulthood, and these decreases are associated with reduced substance use."

It's interesting that impulsivity decreases in college-aged kids. You would think it would increase, but I'm sure that the upper ages of this group skew it downward. People in their early 20's are often starting careers, and learning how to be responsible. This leads to less impulsivity in their drinking and drug use.

Except us alcoholics and mental illness folk!

"Impulsivity is a problem with anyone who is an alcoholic, but alcoholics with antisocial and borderline personality disorders may be particularly troubled by inhibitory-control issues."

Like you would guess, those with mental illness are more likely to be substance abusers, and have impulsivity issues. I know mania makes you uninhibited by rational thought, so it would make sense to be impulsive.

So I guess we just have to watch ourselves closely. If you have a problem, 12 step groups are really helpful. But keep an eye on your moods. Too up, and you may develop that problem with alcohol and drugs.

Abuse and mental illness

There are a lot of folks in AA who talk about their dual-diagnosis, as well as problems of incest and rape in their early lives. Many of them were raped while in intoxicated situations. Now, there is a study that may link sexual abuse to mental illness.

"Our most recent study identified an association between rape and subsequent diagnosis of a psychotic disorder over a 10-year period."

It's really not surprising. Children who are abused often withdraw and use substances or food to hide the pain. We all have pains, and we often drown them in booze and drugs. People who are abused often have hidden pain; they block out the situation and don't know why they drink.

Not that I've been abused. I had a weird thing with my cousin once, but I don't know if I would label it rape or abuse. Who knows. I just know life is hard, but AA IS the easier, softer way. It's good to be sober, and to be able to deal with your pain instead of push it down and let it fester.

Do meds make it worse?

So I've always wondered something. I started out with a bipolar diagnosis, right? And they say the sooner they catch it, the less the swing in your range, and the less likely you are to have a full blown episode (because the drugs ward it off). And if the meds create more dopamine into your system, does taking meds mean that your brain is now generating less dopamine because it's getting it from another source? And so if you go off meds, your brain no longer produces it? Is this why we have to start taking bigger and badder meds every time they stop working, because we've developed a tolerance?

Apparently, it's disputed in the psycho-pharmacology world, too.

"They also mentioned the possibility that, however, antidepressents might 'sensitize neural tissues resulting in a continued dependence on their neurobiologic effects and, in fact, prolonging the syndrome."

So there's a possibility that taking drugs makes the disease last longer? Does that mean that kids who have mental illness diagnosis could grow out of it? Apparently, "'Some 12 to 13 percent of children and adolescents have a diagnosable mental disorder – and in 3 percent of those cases, the disorder is serious,'" But there's no evidence that one can just "grow out of it."

I think early diagnosis is important. Like alcoholism, why wait till you hit rock bottom to find the cure? I'm all for medication, even if it changes the way my body creates certain substances. I know I'll be on medication for the rest of my life, and I've come to terms with that. I think it's really important to heed the advice of doctors and pharmacists, and not the internet. Though I love the unsolicited advice the internet gives.

Rosalynn Carter

Rosalynn Carter, Jimmy's wife, has long been an advocate for mental health. She's on a tour right now talking about a new book she wrote. Here's an article about her with question and answer.

Q: The scope of the problem you describe is eye-opening: Each year, almost 60 million adults in the United States suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder. How much has changed in the years you've been involved in the field?

A: What's exciting is the science and what we know about the brain and new medications and treatment. When I started in the field, people were institutionalized, and there was a belief that their productive days were gone. That's totally false. Just in the last few years, we've learned a lot about how people can recover from mental illness and lead productive lives.

That's right. We can recover, and lead very productive lives. There is a way to work with mental illnesses, especially if you honestly ask for help and work with professionals. Don't be afraid of your illness; embrace that it's part of who you are. You're going to just have to incorporate it into the image of yourself. It's not the end of the world. You'll be ok.

Watch for scurvy

Alcoholism is also bad for the nutritional system. Alcoholics often take in most of their calories from alcohol, and ignore the fact that you should have a healthy, balanced diet. I know that when I was on Weight Watchers I would eat less and drink more in order to lose weight. I always counted those calories, and I wouldn't be hungry when drinking a lot. You run the risk of all sorts of disorders from not getting enough vitamins.

What I didn't think about, though is that, "One of the main alcohol nutrition facts that perhaps most people don't realize is that the vitamin and nutrition deficiencies experienced by most alcoholics is not mainly due to poor eating habits, but from the malfunctioning of the body's organs and systems."

Your organs get pretty messed up with alcohol. Your liver and gallbladder aren't able to process a lot of stuff, and neither is your colon. Sometimes when you get the diarrhea associated with lots of drinking, or you vomit a lot, you aren't getting even the water that you are drinking, or the nutrients. Your colon does a lot to process nutrients. If it's not able to work, you're deficient.

Amazing what the body can do, and amazing how we fuck it up with substances.

Veggies for your mind

Ok, I did find some articles:

The right nutrition can improve your mood, increase your concentration and improve your memory. When we're struggling with depression, bipolar or anxiety disorders, it's a challenge to maintain good eating habits, but the right foods can actually make us feel better! (List of good foods.)

I know when I'm depressed all I want to do is eat ice cream and Oreo cookies. Sugar always seems to make me feel better. But:

Depression can make you lose weight (ha!)and run short of vitamins which will only make you feel worse. Fresh fruit and vegetables are particularly helpful.

Vitamins are super important for health, and especially mental health. When we don't get enough to balance us out, we tend to get off balance.

Out of balance brain chemistry can lead to depression....Minerals are extremely important for nerve and brain balance. Fruits and vegetables contain the minerals, vitamins, enzymes and phytochemicals that our body needs everyday to create health.

Some articles say that depressives don't get enough folate, which is important for brain building in babies, so I'm sure it's important for brain health. So let's all eat more veggies!!

H.A.L.T!

Are you hungry, angry, tired, or lonely? That's when alcohol is most likely to grip your mind and come a calling. Unfortunately, depression makes me almost all of those things (I'm not really angry right now). You feel tired, and lonely. And at least for me, hungry.

I've fed myself well today, knowing that I need more vegetables and less carbs. Apparently meat is good for mania because it takes so long for it to process in your system and brings you to a halt. But for depression? Maybe something lighter that doesn't take a lot to process. Like veggies. They're mostly water, anyway. I can't find any articles on it, but it seems to make sense.

And I'm lonely. I'm homesick, which makes it worse, and hearing about Grace just makes me want to be around the people I love even more. I'm here at work, but the people aren't necessarily loneliness killers. So I went to a meeting. I felt better there, and was able to be honest with everyone and let them know just how down I'm feeling, and how alcohol was calling to me. I got some great advice.

#1) Alcohol is like a termite. It eats at any foundation you've set up. That's why you build your foundation on HP or God, and never rest in keeping it up.

#2) Everyone gets squirrely around their birthday. It's coming up on 90 days, and apparently birthdays make you nuts.

#3) This is my favorite: alcohol: cunning, baffling, powerful, patient. Ahh, patient. It's not recovered from alcoholism, it's recovering. It never goes away. The desire to drink may be lifted, but it's still sitting there in your body, waiting for that perfect moment of stress to call to you.

So H.A.L.T. See how you're feeling and try to fix it. Reach out to others, feed your body well, and seek outside help if you need it. Don't let alcohol call you back into it's grips. It'll be worse next time.

Ms. Grace

My upstairs neighbor is dying. I didn't even know she was sick, but now she's in the hospital with terminal cancer. She's 80-something, and a firecracker! She's just a really cool lady.

And it occurs to me: everyone dies. Everyone goes through this process. We only have a limited amount of time on this earth. Another good reason to spend all the time I can with my family and close friends. So go out and hug someone you love today.

Oh lordy

My friend is going to kill me. I ordered the wrong size bridesmaid dress, and now they don't know if they can fix it before the wedding! It's way too small - it doesn't fit over my ample bosom. I have to drive 2 hours away to see if there's anything they can do.

And this is the time when I drink. I get super stressed over things like this, and all I want to do is pick up a bottle and chug it. I just want some wine to calm things down. Instead, I just finished a can of corn and had two cigarettes. Not the best things I could do for myself, but at least I didn't drink and I got some vegetables. I'm trying to deal with the stress in better ways, if not healthier. But I'm cooking a pizza and waiting for them to call back and see if they can order more fabric to expand the dress. Shit.

Raise those taxes

Apparently making booze more expensive makes people drink and die less.

"...increasing alcohol taxes is associated with reduced overall consumption of alcohol as well as reduced heavy drinking. This new study shows that increasing taxes on alcohol also influences the death rate from liver cirrhosis, pancreatitis, gastric diseases, some cancers, and cardiovascular diseases caused by heavy alcohol use."

I know they've done the same with cigarettes. People always say, "If it gets about X dollars a pack, I'll quit." I know in NY and Chicago it's about $10 a pack. I wonder if that significantly reduced the amount of smokers, or the amount people smoke. Cities are also banning cigarettes in a lot of places to keep people from smoking. I know here, you can't smoke most places, and they're trying to ban smoking in apartment buildings.

So raising taxes on booze may create that same effect. Now let's see if that kind of thing can pass the politician test.

Home again, home again, jiggity jig

So I decided to go home for the last week in August, and hopefully I'll have some interviews while I'm there. I have one, at least, and maybe by then some other folks will have gotten back to me.

I can't wait to be home. I get to see my dad's awesome finger surgery stitches, and hang out with him on the couch. It will also be nice to experience heat! It's been freaking cold here all summer, and I'm sick of it. Yesterday it was 58 all day. In August! Boo.

I miss home. I know I've said this a bunch this week, but I do. I know just where I'd live, and where I want to work. I know a lot of folks already, and am pretty sure I can make new friends in and out of the program. It's easier when you already know people. And I can see good friends more than for an hour around Christmas.

So keep your fingers crossed for another interview for me!

The obsession has not been lifted

The obsession to drink has not been lifted from me. It was for a while, but now that I'm feeling depressed, the thing I used to do to make me feel better was drink. I'm a happy drunk (to others) and it would take away that feeling of nothingness. I thought about going to a restaurant on my way home from the meeting and getting a beer. "Maybe I'm not that bad," I thought. "I've never been in the gutter. I never pushed people I love away from me. I've never been in jail."

But I know those are all just "yets." It would be easy for me to end up in jail for drunk driving. If I started drinking again I would feel so guilty that I would probably push people away. I could always end up homeless because I would go to work drunk and someone would notice.

Instead, I chose to work with my diseases, and to try to conquer that obsession by offering it up to God. I haven't done enough of that lately: saying to God that I need help. Well, I'm saying it again. God, show me again why this is a good idea. Let me remember that I can't have just one drink. Show me that my medication is actually working better. Remind me just how much better off I am now. Oh wait, He just did.

Why smoking?

Who came up with smoking? "I'm going to light something on fire and breathe it!" "Good idea, man!"

According to WikiAnswers it was the American Indians. Thanks, guys.

I came up with smoking in high school. It's been my go-to buddy since I was 15. No wonder I'm having trouble quitting. My doc says my health plan has a really good program to quit, and it will let me down easy. I think I'm going to spend that $42 on the Commit lozenges and just bite the bullet. This year is the year of good changes for myself, and if I'm going to do it any year, it's got to be this one.

I know, I know, no changes in the first year. But like all the things in AA, this is but a suggestion. And when I'm on a kick, I have to take advantage of my motivation. So we'll try again once I get my ass to the grocery store.

Med update

Got a call back from the doc, and she thought it was a good idea to up my Abilify to manage the slide into depression. Apparently the side effects are nil to minor, so I should be good. It also has a long half-life, so I should feel better pretty quickly. I started this morning, so we'll see how it goes.

I'm so tired. My body just feels like sleep. You know that feeling when you just wake up and your body still isn't quite awake? That feeling in your mouth of sleep? I have that, except all day. My office mate got in late, so I took a little nap while listening to a webinar. The webinar still sunk in, I think. It was actually interesting.

I keep yawning. I may just go home and go back to sleep....

Smoking and mental illness

According to a new study, smoking doesn't really reduce stress. It actually increases it by producing withdrawal effects between cigarettes. That stress release you feel when you smoke is actually only the relief of getting nicotine.

"...smokers experience higher levels of stress and tension between cigarettes and lower levels over all when they quit."

So quitting, in the long-term, actually reduces overall levels of stress. But smoking has been long linked to mental illness.

"A proportionally large number of people with mental illness smoke. The smoking rate in the general population is just over 20% (Glassman 1999), while the proportion of people with schizophrenia who smoke may be as high as 90% (Glassman, 1993)."

Like most other stuff that's bad for you, nicotine stimulates dopamine, which is the good stuff in your brain that signals pleasure. Dopamine makes you happy, basically, and so continuing your addictions seems like it makes you happy.

Smoking also can "...relieve boredom and provide a framework for the day." I know I use smoking as a timer. It takes me 5 minutes to smoke, so I know that if I have to be somewhere in 10 minutes, I can waste 5 smoking. It also makes a good timer: oh, I have to walk to a meeting. I wonder how long it takes me? It takes me one cigarette to get to the one near work, and one and probably a half to get to the one near home.

So there's tons of reasons people smoke, and many more reasons why we should all quit. It's getting past the initial withdrawal that's a bitch.

Debt sucks

It's hard to keep yourself under control when you're a little manic. I've been pretty bad with my finances this year, because I love to travel. I went to Europe for my birthday, and pretty much cleaned out my savings account, and then got home and got a $600 tattoo. I also have plane tickets to Glacier National Park, Charleston, SC, and home for Christmas. All these things add up to $4,000 I don't have. Since I got a car payment, I'm almost living paycheck to paycheck (I have a little left over at the end of the month).

So being manic and buying new shoes, two pair of pants, and new sweaters probably wasn't the greatest idea I could have had. But sometimes online shopping overtakes me. I just have to do it, and when someone accepts Discover, I'm all over it.

I just almost bought another plane ticket, but I think I'll wait and see if I can get some interviews to justify it. I don't want to go out there just to go out there.

When I'm feeling normal I pay off all my credit cards in full. I used to have a robust savings account, and would just pay everything off quickly. Then I bought a car, and so I started paying them off in 2 or 3 month installments. At this rate, I'll have that one paid off in... a long time. I did manage to pay off my Mastercard, though. There should be a term on credit cards that manic people can only get one and with a $3,000 limit. I think I could handle that. Instead, they keep raising my limit, and I keep spending the money....

Damnit! I so want to go home, too.

News on the job front

Talked to my dad tonight, and he asked why in the world I would want to come home. And you know? The real reason is I miss him. I miss having Sunday breakfast with him, or just coming over and sitting around watching TV (As long as it's not Fox news). When I'm home I spend most of my time on the couch with my dad. More than with my friends. I know if I moved home I would have a life of my own, but I would make time for my dad. As I get older, family seems to be getting more important.

And my mom. She's a real mom, now. Better late than never, as my dad said. She and I have set up boundaries and she's really respecting them. She gives me advice like a mom should. It would be nice to be there and build on our relationship.

And then there's all my friends and cousins. My cousin Roger is super excited about the prospect of me coming home. I think he just wants a built in babysitter. No, he thinks I'm cool. And then there's Adam. It would be nice to be around and be there for him when he needs me, and vice versa. It's one thing to talk on the phone every night, and another to be in someone's presence. And he gives the best hugs.

I talked to my mentor tonight, and he knows the director at one of the places I applied to. He's going to make a call, and hopefully that will lead to an interview. Fingers crossed, I could be home by October.

Pull yourself up by your bootstraps

I'm so uninspired when it comes to posts lately. I've come down off the mania and am slipping into a little depression. I've been so sleepy, hungry, and anti-social. I have forced myself out of the house all weekend, but I took a 3 hour nap today and didn't go running (again). I'm just so lazy.

I'm going to try and write as much as usual, and about SOMETHING interesting, so expect more articles. They're about as interesting as I'm going to get.

Yes, I called my doc. We'll see if she thinks I need a med change or should just tough it out. I'm not feeling crazy, just low-level depression, like most people get. I think. Who knows what normal people get.

Monopoly

The speaker this morning was awesome. He's our usual coffee guy, and I'd never heard his story before. He's been through a lot in sobriety, and always stayed sober. He even had to take morphine for cancer, and it just reminded him how he didn't want to be high again.

He said an awesome thing: "Sobriety for me is like Monopoly. You go around and things happen to you. Sometimes you even go to jail and get a free pass. Sometimes you get a treasure chest, and sometimes you lose. But each year you go around and you get to experience something new. Sobriety is all about the experiences."

Another girl said, "When I was first sober, all I wanted to do was be around that board. I wanted to lie and say I was a year sober when I was really 90 days. I wanted to go through the steps, be healed, and then go back out."

I so want to go through the steps fast. I want around that board! Not so I can go drink, but because I think I should be able to get to where I'm going. I want to roll the die quickly and move on. But sobriety is also about patience. It's about experiencing everything, good and bad. And the slower you take that turn, the more you'll learn.

So, again, I'm slowing down. I'm taking my turn, and passing the die to God to make the path I need to be on. It doesn't mean I can't make decisions, but I'm going to make them slowly and to the best of my ability.