It's not the Celexa, it's me

I hate to admit this, but I'm getting fat because I've been lazy, not because of the meds. I looked up Celexa, and it doesn't seem to cause weight gain, and sometimes it can cause weight loss. I mean, I know I can blame at least 5 lbs on the Zyprexa, because it just happened that fast, but the other 10lbs I need to lose are on here because I stopped running.

I hate how my body feels. My thighs rub together again, and none of my pants fit. I can't even pull on one of my dresses. I feel like I'm huge and it's making me unhappy.

It's not like I'm eating a lot, either. I'm doing Weight Watchers and really being good about it. It's not like I eat crap all day. I barely have three meals. I eat a lot of snacks like bananas and blueberries. I do drink the diet Cokes, but they're diet. My problem is that I'm not really getting any exercise. I walk around some days, but that's maybe 2 days a week I'm out and about. I need to be running.

But is it unnatural for me to maintain a size 6? Every time I lose weight I gain it back and settle in the size 12-14 range. Every freaking time. And I've been doing this dance since 2004. And when do I gain it back? When I stop running. So what does that tell me? A) Keep running B) Get comfortable in a size 14. Why? Because running isn't going to last forever.

"Charts and tables cannot tell you what your natural weight is; only your body can. And it can only do this when you follow a self-loving enough path to have a healthy, normal and consistent eating pattern – while having a fun and active lifestyle – over a sustained period of time, with enough laughter and sleep."

Love is in the air

I'm so tired. I was up until 5am just messing around on the internet and talking to Michael on the phone. It's weird: he hates the phone, but has called me twice this month. I don't know what's up with him. He told me last night he might start dating this girl he met, but he's not sure yet. I think he feels guilty or something. I think it's great! I want him to meet a nice girl and get the love and care he deserves. I know I can't provide it for him, so it's good he gets it.

Speaking of dating, I think I went on a date this morning. I met a guy, Roger, online and we met up and toured a museum today. I don't know if it counts as a date or just getting to know someone as a friend. He's a complete geek, but of course, all my friends are geeks.

I really don't want to be dating someone. I think I'm getting curmudgeonly in my old age. I don't want to date. I'm perfectly fine being single. And now the Celexa and gaining weight have taken away my sex drive, so I don't even care anymore. Is that bad?

Back to the point: I'm exhausted. Is it too early to go to bed?

Even my horoscope agrees

My horoscope:

"For Saturday, March 12 -When you lose perspective on how much you have in your life, you miss out on understanding your own value. So cherish who you are and what you offer the world -- otherwise, you'll become easy prey to the green-eyed monster that's been knocking at your door. Jealousy isn't going to do anything but slow you down and delay your ability to feel confident. Progress can't happen through the cloud of envy -- let other people have their own success stories. Your time is coming soon."

Wasn't I just talking about envy and jealousy earlier in the week? And my cousin just got a job, so I'm a little jealous there. Though to be fair to him, it's his first job out of college, so I'm really proud, too. But man have I been jealous of everyone lately. It's just not fair, you know? I'm smart, I work hard, I'm personable. Damnit, employ me!

Sigh. My time is coming soon. Let's hope it's real soon.

A suicide index

Researchers have come up with a suicide index for rating how likely someone is to commit suicide. Apparently, being young, female, unemployed, and living alone are great indicators. Ahem. Anyway:

"In places such as the United States, for every death from suicide there are between three and four hospitalisations resulting from failed suicide attempts, and between 15 and 20 emergency room visits for the same reason."

That's a lot of suicide attempts. And a pretty high failure rate. Which is a good thing, but why do humans try to kill themselves? What makes us so self-destructive? Do other animals do it? Is it because we think philosophical thoughts? Other animals get depressed, why don't they try to kill themselves? I bet they do and we just don't know it.

Keep an eye on those girls

Watch your daughters friend choices.

"The findings show that girls tend to initiate the transition to a mixed-gender friendship network earlier than boys, and continue this transition at a faster pace during adolescence. As a result girls who experienced this transition early and fast were more likely to develop substance abuse problems during late adolescence."

I always tried to make guy friends, and I had a lot of guy friends in my neighborhood. I definitely pursued boys in order to be friends with them, and, of course, a lot of those friendships turned sexual. And I got a lot of my drugs from these older guys. But I always knew I was going to be a trouble maker. Since I was little I knew I'd be tattooed and drug-using. I always thought I'd either be dead or married with kids by now. Turns out I'm neither, and not using anymore, either. Who woulda thunk.

Stigma in full

"A community health program manager got a surprise when she e-mailed her NH Senator recently to ask him about why he had voted to cut money from mental health programs. The Senator told her that society would be better without disabled people, and he wishes he could ship disabled people to Siberia."

Um... what the fuck? I read this and then read it again, and then read it a third time. He confirmed to the newspaper that he said this, and meant it. It's not like she made up the emails. He really does think the mentally ill, addicted, etc. are a financial burden that we shouldn't have to carry along.

If ever there was a time to write your senator about something, it would be about censuring this guy for being an idiot. I can not believe people think like that.

Waiting for the phone to ring

I was supposed to hear from the people up north today, and the phone never rang. Well, it rang once, but that was a solicitor trying to sell me health insurance. I wish they would stop calling because as soon as I tell them I'm bipolar they tell me they can't sell me health insurance. So why do they keep calling? I need to get a note in my file or something.

Anyway, I just got an email from the people here that they're going to make a decision next week. So next week will be the race to hear from one place or another. Maybe I'll have a job next week! God, wouldn't that be amazing. It can't happen soon enough.

A birth day

Wow, I slept till 1:30pm today! That's pretty crazy. I've been waking up later and later every day the past couple weeks. My alarm is set for 9am, and I always get up and turn it off, but then go back to bed. Usually I'll sleep till 10 and then get up, but I just keep actually falling back asleep and staying in bed. I don't know what's up with that.

So my birthday was full of Mediterranean food and mud. I went to the spa and had the mud wrap. An older Persian lady slathered me with mud and then wrapped me in towels and dimmed the lights. "Try to take a nap," she said, and boy did I. The music was odd and distracting, but I think I got a little sleep in there. Then she hosed me down with warm water and covered me in oil. I felt like a princess getting a bath.

Next step: pedicure and manicure. My toes and fingers are bright, almost fluorescent, coral colored. I really like the way they all look clean and bright. They're all the same size, too, which is different. My nails are always bitten or funky looking and dirty. But not today!

After, I went to Starbucks cause I hadn't had any coffee yet, and they were giving away free treats. A birthday treat! So I had a whoppee pie and a peppermint latte. Perfect. When I got home, my dad too me out for Mediterranean food - lamb and kafta kabobs and baklava. Then, I took my nap. I'm a napper. By the time I got up it was dinner time and my aunt treated me to more Med. food. This time falafal and dolmas. We ordered an ice cream cake with my name on it, which had those little crunchy cookie pieces in it.

All in all, not Europe, but a good day.

Flying in the sky

An interesting take on what it means to make a decision while manic. "Manic individuals have a sense of urgency -- that they need to make a decision right now so that they don't miss the opportunity that sits in front of them."

His description of mania thinking is pretty right on. You've gotta do it, and of course it's a good idea! Other people don't understand all the ways you've rationalized it to yourself. Of course it's going to work out. You're on top of the world.

One in the crowd

I'm really feeling it tonight. I hate, hate, hate being unemployed. There are millions of us, I know, and even a generation name for kids moving back in with their parents. But it doesn't make it easier to know I'm in good company. In fact, it's sucks to know there are more people who feel like this.

"The BLS says the average length of unemployment has increased from 29.4 weeks in November 2009 to 34.5 weeks last month. Nearly 10% of the USA's 15.1 million jobless have been looking for work for two years or more.

Some workers despair. 'I don't know when I'll work again,' says Ricky Browner, 30, of Passaic, N.J., who lost his construction job two years ago. 'This thing goes on and on.'"

This thing goes on and on. And:

"The longer somebody doesn't have a job, the harder it is to get a new job," Hassett says. "The reality is that if you're out of [a] job, and you're looking for a job, then the new employer's going to say, 'Well, why don't you have a job now? What's wrong with you?' "

So it's been 6 months, and the longer I'm out of work the less desirable I am to others. I have a contracting gig right now (which I don't know how it's going to effect my unemployment but I don't care yet), so at least I'm "working."

Volunteering could help

"The feeling of being unemployed comes from the idea that your job was somehow permanent in the first place. The only permanence in this life comes from the relationships you make that serve something bigger. Find your place in a neighborhood group of some kind."

Jesus, it's hard being unemployed. Having a job is having a social network, a place to go to escape home, financial stability, and more. Being unemployed is super stressful. But a few places suggest volunteering as a way to feel better. Julie has been trying to get me to do it, too, but I don't want to commit to something and then have to stop cause I got a job. But I have to stop thinking like that. It's been 6 months. I have to start seeing reality, not what ifs.

So right now I have all the time in the world. I should pick a charity or organization and volunteer. What about the zoo? I like the zoo here. It's really cool, and I know how to work special events. I used to work events in college. I could do that. Or the ballet. I used to be an usher at a theater. I could do that, too. Hell, I could do both.

I don't want to, though. I want a fucking job.

No, tonight is insomnia night

So I was wrong. Tonight is insomnia night. I got to sleep about midnight last night. I knew I was going to be up tonight because of the amount of caffeine I've inhaled in the past 8 hours, but it really isn't making me shaky or awake. I'm just up because there's so much going on in my head. I want to cry, really. My life is just so....

My life is so not what I pictured it would be at 31. I'm in a holding pattern and I don't see any sign of it stopping anytime soon. I'm just stuck here at dad's with all my stuff in storage, waiting until someone decides to hire me. And am I desperate to take anything, even if I don't think I'll like the job? You bet I am. I'm ready to get the hell out of here. I can always look for another job once I've been in it for a year. I can do anything for a year. But I can't do this.

I don't know how people stay on unemployment for long periods of time. I have a friend who has been on it for 2 years and has filed for bankruptcy twice. I don't want to be him. I'm not to that place, yet, and I have a long way to go before I get there. Thank God for unemployment checks. I don't know what I would do without them. I'm not even going to think about it, because it's just depressing.

What I do know is I'm really lucky to have landed in this halfway house and not be living on the streets. I have family to hold me up and the state to pay my way.

Today I'm grateful for...

Today is an easy, and a hard day for making a gratitude list, but I think it's time. So, here we go being optimistic and happy again.

I'm grateful for:
A place to live;
good and loving family and friends;
modern pharmaceuticals;
rain on my windowsill;
diet Coke;
the internet and computers;
a blog where I can share my experiences; and
life and breath.

See, there's a lot to be grateful for on this birthday. It's not all bad, it's just weird and not the way I imagined it. Or hoped it would be. But we'll see what the coming year has to offer. Maybe I'll move up north. Maybe I'll end up here. Maybe I'll give up the job hunt and go back to school. Maybe I'll go traveling, income restrictions be damned. I need to send my passport in for renewal. Remind me to go get a picture taken, soon.

Happy birthday

It's my birthday!

I'm officially in my thirties. Hooray. Actually, I don't care. It's not that big a deal. But I do love birthdays! I'm treating myself to the spa this year, but this time last year I was arriving in Paris for my two-week vacation in Europe. I was swinging my backpack back on and looking for the hotel I had booked near Gare d'Est. I wandered through the gare and found a little take out sushi place. I grabbed the closest meal of maki and sashimi and headed outside. I knew the street number was on the next block, but the next block split into three lanes at the end. Which one was mine? I took a guess, asked for directions, and finally found it. But before going in, I went to the grocery store across the street and bought a bottle of red wine. That was my first dinner in Paris - red wine and take out sushi.

The next morning, the morning of my birthday, I walked to the station again and boarded a train for Basil, Switzerland. It was early, early and I don't remember if I had time to grab food on the train or if I ate a granola bar.

Man I love traveling. I wish I were in Europe right now. Instead, I'm here. In my childhood bed. In my dad's apartment. Homeless. Jobless. What an amazing turn-around from last year when I had a surplus! I was rich enough to go to Europe for 2 weeks and still keep a job! I had everything and didn't know that my world was going to fall apart 6 months later. Holy shit, it's been a year.

Self flagellation serves it's purpose

Do cutters suffer from more guilt over little things? I wonder if they could test that theory. What they did test was does pain relieve guilty feelings. And apparently the answer is yes.


"According to the scientists, although we think of pain as purely physical in nature, in fact we imbue the unpleasant sensation with meaning. Humans have been socialized over ages to think of pain in terms of justice. We equate it with punishment, and as the experimental results suggest, the experience has the psychological effect of rebalancing the scales of justice -- and therefore resolving guilt."

Kind of like self-flagellation that was so popular in the middle ages and beyond, where people whipped themselves or things like that to atone for their sins. Perhaps we cutters are just trying to deal with guilty feelings? I wonder if there are more cutters in Judeo-Christian religions? I mean, hell, they're based on a strong sense of guilt. It would be interesting to know.

Spring cleaning

I was reading more on stuff to add for Lent, and this site had an interesting thing: pick a theme. One was simplicity. "Simplicity - Simplify your life by getting rid of material goods that are not giving you joy. You can make a goal to donate, sell, or get rid of an item each day of Lent."

All the things that don't give you joy. Wow. I like that. So I think it's time to take some trash bags and go through my storage facility. I tried to do it today, but I forgot bags and empty boxes for excess stuff. I managed to grab one box and give mom half (it had canned goods). When I left I was in such a hurry that I just threw everything into boxes. And I mean EVERYTHING. If there was a dust bunny on the floor it probably ended up in storage.

So I need to go through and get rid of some things. I'm sure it's chock full of crap. I did get rid of those 5 boxes of books, but I found two more boxes of books under the kitchen stuff. And do I need all that kitchen stuff? Do I need my window shades? I mean, really. They fit two specifically sized windows, and they're not even the same size. I like them though. They give me joy.

This is going to be hard.

I'm a bad Catholic

I forgot to go to church today to get my ashes. It's ash Wednesday. I observed shrove Tuesday by having the traditional pancake dinner, but I forgot my ashes. For those of you who aren't catholic:

"The ashes used in churches on this day are made from the burned palm leaves from the previous Palm Sunday. When the priest marks our foreheads with the ashes, he says, 'Remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return' (Genesis 3:19) or 'Turn away from sin and be faithful to the Gospel' (Mark 1:15)."

Lent is known as a time of giving up stuff, but it's not all about cutting out the chocolate. Lent is a time for reflection and re-dedication to your spiritual life. Of looking inward. What a great time to go through the 12 steps! It's like doing a fourth step!

Anyway, you are supposed to give up an indulgence, or take on a practice. So you can affirm to go to church for 40 days or give up diet Coke. I haven't quite figured out what I'm going to do. I mean, I already gave up everything I'm willing to give up (caffeine is out of the picture), and .... wait. Maybe I can give up shopping. Maybe I'll promise not to online shop till Easter. Boy, that would be hard.

But taking on something spiritual. Maybe I'll promise to go to church this Lent, on Sundays. That's only 5 times or something. That's totally doable. Will I do it? Stay tuned. I'm guessing no. I'm a horrible catholic.

A sober mania

I probably won't sleep tonight, and it's my own damn fault. I just had two Red Bulls and am contemplating a third. I know that's pushing it. Caffeine doesn't usually keep me up, but those Red Bulls are different. We've discussed here before how Red Bull and mania seem to follow each other around, and I'm sure I'm not doing good things for my mental health by consuming two.

So, because I'm at increased risk because he upped the Celexa, and now I'm drinking taurine, let's look at the possibility of mania creeping up. What does mania look like? Well, for a lot of people, it's shopping and having sex with strangers and thinking you're the bees knees. Impaired judgment, rapid speech, little sleep, and maybe some irritability. Mania can be fun when you're in it, and can feel great! It's all about excess: moving fast and taking no prisoners.

But what does mania look like in me? I don't know anymore. It used to look like going out and getting drunk, taking someone home with me, exercising like a fiend, cooking in the middle of the night, then getting paranoid and eventually afraid of everything. But what does a sober Anne's mania look like? Will I go back to drinking on impulse? I really have no interest. I know I told you, and myself, that I wasn't going to be an AA sober lady anymore and that after my 1 year in May I wasn't going to forbid myself from drinking, but I don't really have any interest in it yet. I'm perfectly happy being sober.

Will that change if I get manic? Will I pick up cigarettes, too? Will I just impulsively go back to bad behaviors? Or what else can it be? I already shop too much, so we won't be able to identify it there. What other impulsive acts can a sober person do? Travel? My passport expires at the end of the month ($110 to get a new one!) so I can't travel overseas till I get it back. I'm already flying once at the end of the month, but that's been long planned.

Huh. Well, let's hope I don't get manic to begin with.

Down on the farm

I'm back at work in the store tonight, which is fine, cause that's another $40 towards my tattoo. I don't have to take anything out of checking to pay for it, which is nice, and I can give a good tip.

There's a Frenchman that comes down and buys wine all the time, and he was surprised when I pronounced his name correctly the first time. Tonight, as he left, he said, "Bon soir." I replied in kind, and he whipped around and said, "Even your accent is good. I think you don't give yourself enough credit." Then he tried to talk to me in French and I just said, "Je ne parle pas de Francais," which is the best I can do. Anyway, it made me happy that all those French lessons at least gave me a good accent. I think if I studied vocabulary I could probably do alright.

It's only 5 and I've already done all the sweeping up and laundry I can do....

EDNOS

I just found a really great blog called Two Whole Cakes. She's funny and irreverant, and I like her style. Anyway, she also had some good things to say about the recent study that came out about eating disorders:

So what we have here is a comprehensive study instructing us that anorexia is as common in boys as girls, that children are developing eating disorders at 12, and that eating disorders are extremely dangerous to kids’ health both medically and emotionally. Also, that while anorexia rates have remained stable, the instances of binge eating disorder and bulimia have doubled since the 1990s. In a complete coincidence, the fearful cultural rhetoric regarding an alleged obesity epidemic has also doubled—at least—since the 1990s. But this is totally unconnected.

It doesn't surprise me at all that the incidences of eating disorders are rising in the U.S. Just look at some of our role models. Kids are looking to celebrities, who are all about 80 pounds at 5 foot 1, which is just ridiculous and never an achievable look if you are built bigger than a pixie.

One of the other things the study says is that people with eating disorders otherwise not specified (EDNOS) are rising. That means people like me who obsess about what they put into their body and then binge. I definitely have a bad relationship with food, but I'm fat and so don't qualify for anorexia and I don't puke, so I'm not bulimic.

So how do we turn this around? Well, better, healthier role models would be good. People who love their bodies just the way they are. Less reliance on medical science to create "perfect" Barbie-like women. I don't know. There's got to be a way out of it.

I'm not weighing in on this

As you may have noticed I do my best to stay out of the news, so this will be the last mention of Charlie Sheen. I feel for the man. Whether it's addiction, bipolar, or just arrogance, the man has ruined a lot of his life and embarrassed himself completely. Sure, the Sheen Quote Generator going around is hilarious (I have tiger blood?) but it's sad all the same.

Anyway, Liz Spikol over at the Philadelphia Magazine writes about how there are some armchair (not hyphenated) diagnosis going down, and that's harmful for the rest of us.

"But it’s damaging to those of us who fight every day to educate people, to retool their expectations, to battle against the stigma that mental illness imposes. People who deal with mania are assumed by many to be unpredictable people with checkered lives, whose best hope is a degraded hardscrabble survival and then an early death."

If people look at Sheen and others as examples of people with bipolar, how will any of us ever be able to come out of the closet? Bosses will imagine we're unpredictable and could damage the reps of our companies. Friends and family will think they have to watch out for us quitting our jobs and dating supermodels. Wait, maybe not that part, but you know what I mean. Having a breakdown in public does no one any good. Just look at what bald-headed Britney Spears went through when she had a manic episode a few years back.

I thank God I can fall apart out of the public eye.

"With medication, support, hope...."

"Eating right, sleeping well, taking advantage of innovative cognitive behavioral therapy that sets goals and monitors behavior, and using new medicines that target problems without the debilitating side effects help people recover, says King, who looks and acts younger than her 59 years.

'Mental illness has been good to me,' King says with a chuckle. She says she treats her mental illness the same way people with diabetes treat their illness — with medication, support, hope, advocacy, personal responsibility, education and spirituality."

Birthdays a comin

Well, it's birthday week. I'm taking myself to a spa on my birthday instead of to the beach. Even Jennifer gave me crap for thinking of it. "It's like the Awakening!" Remember that book? The depressed woman wanders off into the ocean to die? I hated that book when I first read it because I knew instinctively that was my mom. And now here I am, playing off the damn book. So I'm not going to the beach.

I am getting a mud wrap, a manicure, and a pedicure. I think it'll be lovely. Then I'll treat myself out to lunch somewhere in the city. My aunt wants to have dinner with me, and she has to babysit the 2 and 2 month old at the same time. Not exactly my idea of fun, but you do what you gotta do.

How's the rest of the week going? Frustrating. I'm doing some side work for a company so I'm procrastinating right now, but I'll get it done. I was supposed to hear from the place up north yesterday and haven't yet, so I just emailed her again. I hope the place here doesn't call me this week. Why? I really don't want that job.

I know, I know, I'm sick of looking and I'm broke and I need to move out of here, but I don't want a job I don't like. And if I've got unemployment to cover me then I don't HAVE to take it... but I'm sure I would if they offered it. I just need something. I can't live like this.

Job hunting sucks

Can I bitch for a second? Of course I can, it's my blog.

I'm sick of job hunting. It's been 6 months and I'm absolutely sick of it. I'm sick of sending out my resume, tailoring my cover letter, and showing up in a new outfit to yet another interview. I'm sick of it all. I wish I had a job. Somewhere to show up everyday that I could complain about, and you know I would. Everyone complains about their job, but man is unemployment worse.

Going back where I belong

Michael and I are running in a marathon at the end of the month, for which neither of us is in marathon shape. Luckily, we're both horribly stubborn and have high pain tolerances. I think we can run half of it (we've both done a lot of half marathons) and then just suffer the last half. We could even walk it. But he wants that medal and I want to earn my burrito.

I'm excited about going out there. I'm getting more tattoo work done, which always makes me happy. I'm going hardcore this time and getting work done on my arm. I've officially lost my mind and become that girl, the one with the tattoos. I have one on my arm already, but this will be big and no hiding it without a sweater kind of tattoo. I'm excited! I don't even know what it looks like. My artist Charles just drew it and I'm going to see it for the first time right before it goes on. I'm sure if I hate it we'll make changes, but I trust him a lot. Plus, it's based on a design I already have, so it's not too far from anything.

I'm also going to get to see all (almost, Jennifer moved) my friends. We're going to get together and have a picnic after the marathon. Michael and I should be sufficiently dead, but he wants it then, so let him plan.

I've even got my suitcase half packed and I don't leave for 10 days. Can you tell I'm excited?

SAMHSA says....

"Recent data from SAMHSA indicate that 45.1 million adults (19.9 percent) in the United States had mental illness in the past year. Of those, nearly 20 percent of adults (8.9 million) also had a substance use disorder."

That's a lot of us who are sick. And amazing that there's still such a stigma when it's so ingrained. Imagine, almost 20%. That's (I have no idea, but let's call it) one in 5 people you know has a mental health problem, whether it's post-partum depression or schizophrenia. Look around you. That's a lot of people you know who are either hiding it or disabled by it. And of those people, another one in five has a substance abuse disorder.

Amazing that we still discriminate and have so much stigma against those two illnesses when so many people are affected by them. Imagine, it's not just you who is affected by your depression. It affects your family, friends, co-workers. You can't help but make a difference in other people's lives whether you're trying to or not. So all those people are affected by mental illness and yet we're still ashamed and afraid. Amazing.

Campaign for mental health

"She compared to the level of understanding regarding mental health issues as about the same as it was for cancer patients in the 1970s.

'Back then, you didn't talk about cancer, you didn't even say the word,' she said. 'People were afraid to talk about it with cancer patients because they were afraid they might upset them.'

Later, however, it was well understood that cancer patients needed an emotional support system that would be there for them throughout the course of the illness.

'And we need the same,' she said."

That's the second article in as many days I've seen compare mental health to cancer in the 70s. It seems that before they had breast cancer awareness ribbons and month and walks, people didn't want to talk about cancer. It was a big secret. So maybe, just maybe, mental illness can build on that model. We already have Out of the Darkness walks about suicide prevention. Do we have a ribbon color like all the cancers and other illnesses? Can we do a wear ___ color for mental illness? Or remember when you could wear jeans to work on Friday and they would donate money to, I think, heart disease? Is this what mental health needs? A campaign?

Insomnia preview

It's insomnia night! We didn't have one last week, which was odd, but I was traveling and sometimes that helps me sleep. It seems to be Mondays or Tuesdays lately, not that I'm that great at knowing what day it is anymore. Maybe it's just manic day - I didn't nap today, though I didn't get up till 10am. I didn't really do anything except go to the doctor and take a shower. Sounds thrilling. My life is so full.

Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I need to do more stuff. No, I do stuff. I went to the wax museum with a friend on Sunday and out to lunch with my mom and step-grandma. We did birthday lunch since it was my mom's birthday last week. She sat there and told the story of my birth, which involves my grandma dying, which I'm sure was weird for my step-grandma to have to sit and listen to. Mom was a little weird at lunch, but not horribly off. I think she's a little manic, but maybe just hypomanic. She was chatty with the waiter and sent me a card. I get a lot of mail when she's hypomanic.

Perhaps I should take another shower and calm down. Get warm. Sucks to go to bed with your hair wet, but I'll just have to get over that. Let's see if it helps.

Little green monster

My best friend Emily is also bipolar. Other than that, we have very little in common, especially now. Why is she still my best friend? You know, it's just one of those unexplainable connections. Anyway, right now I'm super jealous of her. Sure, she's got the husband and the kid, which is cool but probably not going to be my life. That I'm ok with. But she just got promoted and moved halfway around the world for her job. Now THAT makes me burn green.

I've always wanted to travel for work. I am also unemployed, which makes the jealousy sting a little bit. But I'm trying to be supportive. I'm cheering for her via Facebook and commenting on the videos she's posting. I'm planning to go see her once I get a job and can take a vacation from it. I'm watching the weather over there and hoping her curly hair can stay down and not frizz too much. But man am I jealous.

I suppose it's a natural emotion when someone close to you gets something you want and you don't even have anything close to it. I will probably never travel for work in the line of work I've chosen. I hardly get to get out of the office at all, let alone move for a job. It might also help that she's been in the same company since she graduated college. I tend to move once a year. I know, it's not good, but I don't have the attention span for long-term commitments.

I'm just going to sit here and pout for a minute. Poop.

At least I'll look cute

I have a confession: I just online shopped again. But I bought a dress that was $90 for $41. A ha! I rock. And I bought some other stuff, but I had a 20% off coupon. I got 6 items for $180 where normal items are $49 each. I think I made out pretty well, there. And I'll have lots of cute stuff to wear with my one fitting pair of pants. I need to get my jeans tailored because they just look scruffy. I was hoping I could hang on till I lose weight and just wear the stuff that's already tailored to fit, but I'm apparently going to stay fat.

It's time to go back to the gym. I went for a week straight, and then when I went up north I didn't work out at all. So that was a week off. It's Monday. Tomorrow I will start the workout week again. Every other day. That's the plan. Ugh, just thinking about it is giving me indigestion.

Moderately abled

Here's something I found interesting: "Bipolar disorder is responsible for the loss of more disability-adjusted life-years than all forms of cancer or major neurologic conditions such as epilepsy and Alzheimer's disease, primarily because of its early onset and chronicity across the life span."

I know my mom hasn't worked in 14 years, and probably never will again, even though she's otherwise perfectly capable of working. Unfortunately, she gets really manic or paranoid and runs herself out of a job within 6 months. There seems to be a theme online, too, that the Twitterers and bloggers are all writers for a living. Is it because we bipolars don't play well with others? Are we hard to work with? Who knows, but we do have higher disability rates than others, apparently.

Facebook won't save you

Now in Britain you can report your Facebook friends who you think might need a little help. "The initiative was unveiled just weeks after it emerged that a British charity worker left a suicide note on Facebook but none of her 1,082 friends on the site responded. Some even mocked her note."

Now, the mocking part stings. It wasn't necessary in the article, but it does deliver a little slap. None of her over 1,000 friends took it seriously, and some even thought she was making a joke. It just goes to show that you have to take these things seriously.

I remember in high school a friend of mine told me how he was going to kill himself the next week. He had it all planned out, and man was it elaborate. I couldn't help myself - I went straight to the principal. I remember sitting in the office when they brought my friend in, and he glared at me. I was so scared that he would hate me, but I knew it had been the right thing to do. A few days later when he was back at school he thanked me for saving his life. I had helped someone listen to him. We're still friends (we even have matching tattoos) and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

I hope that one of my 364 friends would speak up for me if they saw something wrong on Facebook or Twitter. You hate to think technology makes you more alone, but it kind of does. People seem to distance themselves from real life and become friends in name only. I try to see those people as much as possible. Most of those people are family or family of close friends. It's good to keep everyone connected.

And the psych says.....

So the doc gave me an up on the Celexa and some Abilify "In case you need it." It's just for adding to my stash of random meds in the closet in case of depression or mania. I have some Zyprexa leftover and some Seroquel. When I moved I got rid of most of the random pills, but I'm keeping the hard hitters.

"Now, the higher dose of Celexa might make you manic. Can your dad watch out for you?" Sure, I said. I told Michael that, and he said, "Your dad could politely be referred to as a bit oblivious." It's true. I don't think he would notice if I became manic. I'm not sure I would notice. It's so hard to tell. Michael suggested I watch my sleep. Anything would be better than right now where I'm just sleepy all the time.

No increase with the lithium, which I like. We're just staying stable on that one. All in all, not a bad visit. Back in July.

We're all crazy here

"The U.S. attracts people who believe they can achieve a better life," Schlager says. "They come to believe they can pick up and start again. It's a self-selected sample of people who are grandiose and impulsive. It takes a certain suspension of belief to actually believe you can come here and make it happen. Those are a significant percentage of people on the bipolar spectrum."

The U.S. has the highest bipolar rate out of 11 countries studied. Of course, countries with more stigma had lower rates, probably because of a reluctance to talk about it, but the researchers used the same criteria all across the board in one-on-one discussions with people.

So why is the U.S. so crazy? I like the theory above. The theory that it takes someone a little hypomanic to think they're going to succeed halfway across the world with no money and not knowing the language. Hell, I think I can make it in Austria all the time. Luckily, I won't move without a job. Homeless I will not be, no thanks. My mom does it sometimes, and I'm not interested.

Anyway, it's pretty neat to think of a country of individuals and adventurers as a bunch of bipolars, too. Apparently, we're all crazy here.

Checking for the refill

So I have about 40 minutes before I have to leave to go see the doc, and I'm trying to get my brain together. What do I feel? How am I? Am I depressed? Manic? Neither? What's really going on? And you know what? I have absolutely no idea. I mean, I'm tired as hell - which could be the Celexa or could be the lack of Abilify - and all I want to do is sleep. I'm getting fat, which is pissing me off. I'm still unemployed, which is also pissing me off. And nothing is changing. It's all still the way it was months ago. But hey, I'm not suicidal! Hooray!

What do I tell the man, then? Well, I've started having the energy to brush my teeth, which is a good sign. When I'm depressed the teeth are the first things to go. I'm sure I'm going to have major trouble with them when I'm older. Sometimes I wish for a little teeth brushing OCD but it never happens. I have a friend who was a meth head and that was his quirk. He has great teeth.

Back to me. I'm able to get up and get dressed everyday. I'm showering and putting on clean clothes that look nice. I took a trip. If anything, it's a low-level depression. And I think it's all situational. I'm pissed and depressed for really good reasons.

It's only been 2 days without the Abilify and I can't identify differences besides being really tired. I'm not sure he's going to give me more of it. He may increase the lithium, which would suck, I think. I already don't like it. It makes my stomach hurt if I don't eat with it, which I forgot to do this morning, and it makes me really thirsty. Damn salt.

Maybe he won't do anything. We shall see.

Number 23

I had another interview this morning with a place I used to work a long time ago. It's a great company with a great mission, but it has it's fair share of problems. The woman I interviewed with assured me that a lot has changed in the past few years. They have stronger leadership, and a better strategic plan. I sure hope so. I don't know if I would work there, but I think I might. I liked it, despite it's faults.

Haven't heard anything from the northern job today. She's supposed to get in touch with me about some work I did for her as an example. Hopefully she liked it. I did hear from a place I interviewed with 6 months ago and they then had to take the position down. They were doing some restructuring. They called to say I was last times' top candidate, and would I like to reapply. I suppose I might as well.

So I suppose I'll just sit here and send out more resumes. I totally lost track of how many of those I've sent out. It's got to be a ridiculous number at this point. I mean, 3 cities, hundreds of jobs? Amazing I've ONLY had 23 interviews. Only.

I stole this it was so good

So good, I stole it from Beyond Blue:

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego."

He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Think about that for a minute. The one you feed. The one you tend to. Of course, this applies to everything from depression to alcoholism. Sit around wallowing in your depression and you're sure to feel it. But do something kind for yourself and you'll feel better. Promise.

Julie has been telling me to buy myself flowers. I've actually been doing it, and I do feel special when I see them. I like flowers so much, and they really perk up my windowsill. Just a simple act of kindness to myself makes a world of difference.

So which one will you feed today?