Love, ah, love

My horoscope says today that I need to have a talk with the one I love and lay it all down. Adam is coming to pick me up in an hour. But I don't think I'm going to bridge that gap between my head and reality. I don't know how he feels about me, though we had a moment last night, and I don't think I want to know. I'm so afraid all he wants is to just be friends. I'd rather pretend, for the time being, and just let it all stand as it is.

Is that sick? I suppose pretending isn't the way to live your life, but it would hurt to think he just doesn't feel that way about me. I'd rather think of this as love, that maybe, just maybe, one day he'll feel the same about me.

Ha! I'm a dumbass

So today is the 20th. My anniversary is on the 27th! That's what I get for being unemployed. I don't even know what day it is! So I've got another week to do it. But I can do it, I know I can.

Today is the day

Today is the day I'm going to quit smoking. I know I said Monday, but I've only got 3 cigarettes left, and it seems silly to go buy another pack when I know I'm quitting. Another pack would take me through Monday, but why not today? Why not start now?

Today is my 6 month sobriety date, and so it will be easier to keep track of when I quit. By May, I'll have a year in sobriety and 6 months without a cigarette. I can make it that far. If I've been able to quit drinking, I think I'll be able to quit smoking.

The problem is: all my crutches will be gone. All the ways I used to deal with my feelings will be void in my life. I won't have something to lean on when I'm stressed. I don't know how that's going to go, but since I'm already stressed, I'll find out soon enough.

6 months

It's been 6 months today since I quit drinking. Adam says I should "drink the Kool-Aid for a while, till I get the hang of everything. I'm not sure I want to go there. I've had a great time in AA, and it's been an interesting ride so far, but I'm not sure I want to get so involved in AA that it becomes my life, even for a time.

6 months. Wow. I never thought I could last this long. Some of it has been hard, like calling my sponsor every day and going to some places with alcohol, but the rest of it has been easier than I thought. I really like meetings, and I like hearing other people's stories about why they quit, or what trouble they got into while drinking.

It's also nice that I feel my bipolar is better. I feel like my meds are working. My head is clear; when I get thoughts of suicide they are easier to make go away. I've been feeling much better.

I'd like to stay sober for another 6 months. I think it's a great thing to be doing.

Bipolar and alcohol

"Most experts in this area believe that sticking to a regular routine or schedule and abstaining from alcohol are essential components to achieving mood stability. This can make travel and even moderate drinking difficult. However, every person is different and it's important for couples to make decisions based on their specific experiences.

Even if it appears that a bipolar person can have an alcoholic beverage from time to time without any seemingly negative consequences, alcohol is completely out of the question during a mood episode (either depression or mania). Alcohol worsens and lengthens mood episodes; even worse, it also dramatically increases the risk of suicide, which is disproportionately high among people with bipolar disorder (at one time or another, about 25% of bipolar individuals make an attempt on their own lives). Spouses can play a huge role in supporting their partners' sobriety by abstaining from alcohol themselves."

I knew that alcohol messed with your meds, but I didn't really think about the consequences of drinking while in a bipolar episode. It can really mess with your mind, and someone who is already "crazy" can be set off by the feelings of drunkenness. I've felt that being sober has been really good for my bipolar, but now I've got a doctor's opinion to back it up. Interesting article, by the way. I suggest anyone who knows someone with bipolar read it.

Doglet is back!

I have my dog back! He's pouting a little cause now he's used to chasing squirrels all day, but he'll get used to 6th floor living eventually. I'm not sure what we're going to do for Thanksgiving. He's going to have to come with us, cause my mom's apartment building won't let him stay anymore. She was going to move out, but it's really expensive and she's living on a fixed income. And I sure as hell can't help her.

My aunt and uncle have a HUGE lab, who I'm not sure if he likes little dogs. Mine is about 110 pounds smaller. We'll probably have to keep him in the cage at my grandma's during dinner over at my uncle's house. I feel bad for the dog. He's going to have a much more restricted life over here. My mom is really sad, too. She loves him, and loves taking him out on long walks.

But it's nice to have him back. It's like having a little piece of home.

Friends near and far

Sometimes I really miss where I used to live. Adam and I watched our show tonight and ate cookie dough out of the package. Andrea and I used to watch the same show and eat brownie mix from the bowl. Only I didn't get to cuddle with Andrea. I really love Adam. He's much fun to hang out with, and he's the best cuddler there is.

Michael was talking last night about the couch. You know how in Fight Club he buys his stuff and thinks, "Well, now I've got that covered. It's something stable in my life." Michael was saying that when I moved I took away his "couch." It's nice to be appreciated.

Stuffing down the pain

"Our fear of pain is what leads us to addiction. We can't bear the pain of our current situation or the memories of a painful past, so we numb ourselves in an effort not to feel it.

The irony here is that our efforts to avoid pain just cause us more pain--and make true happiness impossible. We don't take the risk, so we never get what we want. We don't face the difficult past, so we are never free of that pain. We don't sort out the painful present, so we never make things right. And the pain just goes on and on. We can't be numb 100 percent of the time. And in sobriety, we can't be numb at all. So we need to learn how to experience our pain--truly feel it--and just sit with it."

Ah, numbing the pain. I know how to do that so well. I use drugs, alcohol, sex, food, tattoos... anything I can get my hand on to make that pain go away. All that stuff I've been stuffing down for decades now. But in sobriety, it's got to come out.

I'm working on my fourth step again; looking at all the resentments I have against other people. The list just keeps growing, as I'm sure it will continue to do over the course of my life. I suppose even people with serenity get mad every now and again. Hopefully I can figure out what that means about me, and how to let God lift some of those things away from me.

In business for yourself

A friend of mine is also unemployed (actually, I know a few of them) and he just ordered business cards. "What do they say, Shawn? Unemployed hot mess?" Well, apparently no, but they do say what Shawn wants to be doing for a living, and has his contact information. Interesting. I had thought about that before, so I decided to just go for it.

It was $100 for 150 cards and a card holder. They just say my name up front, and then on the back say my contact info, name, what I want to do, and my LinkedIn address. I thought it would be good to stick that on there, and now I've got to go clean it up a bit, and make sure I keep it updated.

I think I'll bring them to the conference I'm going to in a few weeks, and make sure to pass them out. I can also give them to people with whom I interview. It's nice to just stick in people's minds, and it will be good to even just sit on people's desks as a reminder that I'm looking for a job. And if I get a job soon, I can always keep them for just in case, or if I don't want people to have my professional card. For $100, I think it was a good investment.

Crazy, crazy for feelin so crazy

Michael and I were talking tonight about our lives, and he said something that explains exactly how I feel: "And nothing feels worse than being safe and secure, and yet, insecure and unsafe."

I have a place to live, in fact, a great place to live, but I feel homeless. I have money coming in, not a lot, but some, and yet I feel like I'm just mooching off the state. I have a resume that's gotten me 8 interviews, but I feel like I have no qualifications. Safe, yet unsafe. Secure, yet insecure.

Everything is just so up in the air. I don't even know anything. I don't know what to talk about! I'm just so lost right now. I'm starting to feel it. I'm starting to feel.... Crazy. Not like I want to drink, but like I want to have sex. I know, that's new, you're thinking, but it's not. I use sex to feel worse about myself when I'm feeling bad, but can't figure it out. I really want to just go out somewhere and find someone to sleep with. Usually I do that by finding a bar and having someone buy me drinks, but that's not going to work. And I can't just Craigslist it, because my dad would know that I left. I'm never going to get laid this way.

But I suppose that's good. I'm not supposed to have sex till my one year is up, and although I've been bad about that, I have only done it twice, and with people I know well. I've been good. Now I don't feel like I want to continue to play this game. I want some of my destructive behaviors back. I don't want to feel good - I want to feel like I feel inside.

I'm still going to quit smoking, Monday, but right now I'm going to substitute sex for a cigarette. Jesus, what the hell am I going to do when cigarettes are gone!?

Ahh, the tests

"Chemical detox can mess up our sleep cycles. When our bodies get rid of the chemicals we’ve ingested for so long—whether nicotine, alcohol or drugs; street drugs or prescription drugs—our neurological systems need time to heal. And one of the cycles governed by the healing neurological system is the sleep-wake cycle."

She's talking about co-dependency and how that can break up your sleep cycle, too. I wonder what's getting my sleep all funky. I get up every hour, and slept until 2 today. I haven't tried to give up smoking yet, so it can't be the nicotine coming out. Maybe I'm back to being unhappy about being fired. I was enjoying this interview process, but sometimes it just gets to me.

Today I had to fill out some online tests for Excel, Word, Powerpoint, and other MS Office products. What am I, an administrative assistant? (Resentments!) I didn't do so hot on them, either, cause it's been 3 month since I've done any of that stuff, and you just get rusty.

I was thinking about the job I took the tests for, too. The guy sounds like a jerk. The way the headhunter was talking about what questions he was going to ask and what his focus is, just made it sound like an iffy job. I don't know if I want to take a job where I'm weary just from the interview process.

I haven't heard from anyone else, and no one else has called my references. I was supposed to hear from one this week, but it's 4:30 on a Thursday, so I think that's a no-go. If I hear from them on a Friday it just wouldn't seem like good. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

A clean slate

Sometimes it's nice to have a clean slate.

Shoppa shoppa shoppa

Alright, I did it again. I shopped. What?

Ok, so I have these black ballet flats that I wear every day. I've apparently worn them out, because when it was raining yesterday I noticed that water was rushing into my shoe through a hole in the toe. I can't possibly walk around with holes in my shoes going to interviews, so I bought a new pair of flats. Well, I bought two. I bought some brown ones, too. Now I have brown, black, and gray. It's a good thing to have options.

I tried on my suit jacket today and it's way too big for me. I have another one, but it's in storage somewhere. I'm not sure where it is. Unfortunately, Ann Taylor was across the street from where I interviewed today, and I went in because I had 15 minutes to kill. There were some beautiful tailored suits in there for 25% off.... But I didn't get one. I walked out without spending any money, because I know I have that in storage somewhere. The last thing I really need is more clothing.

My closet is full. I have all sorts of pretty things, and never seem to be able to find anything to wear. I wear the same outfit all the time: pants, a shell, my black sweater, and my flats. Every now and again I switch it up and wear a skirt and boots, but I don't wear all of my shoes or dresses as much as I should. I do wear dresses, that's not true. I do wear them all the time. I love dresses. I feel so girly. Maybe I'll wear one tomorrow.

I'm going over to see Adam tomorrow, or maybe Friday instead, and it would be nice to smell good and look good. I'll take a shower and not smoke before I go. I like to be cute when I'm around him. I'm just a sucker for pleasing him.

We're all so proud

I was talking to Adam tonight and smoking a cigarette. "When the hell are you going to quit?" he asked. "Monday!" That's right, I set a date, I'm throwing out all my lighters and cigarettes, and I'm taking those lozenges. I think it'll be hard for a few days, but then I'll be up north around family who don't smoke, and I'll have no opportunity to go buy any. I'll be stuck in the house with the fam, and will only have to worry about eating too much.

Adam always tells me I smell like his grandpa. I don't want to smell like that anymore. I want to smell good. I want to smell like a girl, not a 70 year-old man.

I know everyone will be proud of me for quitting. It's been 15 years since I started smoking. And this year has been the year of change. I've made so many changes, and despite the bad stuff, it's been the best year of my life. 30 has really been an incredible year. I can't wait to see what 31 holds.

Living in the skin you're in

Someone tonight talked about how they have to live in the skin they're in, and how they need to separate themselves from the skin they used to inhabit. "I know that if I drink, I'll go back to that whore, that person no one wants to be around."

I feel the same way. I feel like I can't go back to that skin. I can't go back to the person I used to be, especially after I've changed so much. And have I changed? Really? In 6 months?

6 months is a long time. A lot can happen. Just look at what's happened since then. I've been given a clean slate. I've lost my job, lost my place, basically lost my dog and my car, lost my dignity through drinking, and moved. That's a ton of stuff to lose. So I've been given a clean slate. I can start all over and not look like an ass around people. I can go to work with my head held up high.

Now, I can be there for the people in my life. I don't have to isolate and hide from them who I really am. I can share with them my life, and be present in theirs. It's nice to start over.

Oh the fruit flies

Ok, this has nothing to do with anything this blog is about, but neither do half the posts I write.

"Across a number of different kinds of pain, genes seem to be at least half the driver of how much pain you experience," they say. You know how they developed this idea that pain is genetic? Fruit flies. What did they do, pull their wings off? Sometimes researchers disgust me. It has to be a hard job, too. I can't imagine testing pain on animals to see if they feel it.

I have a really high pain tolerance. My tattooist says that your pain tolerance goes down as you get older, according to his experience being tattooed. I hope that's not the case.

Eat that pie

"Many of us deal with depression, disappointment, loneliness and unfulfilled expectations during the holiday season....When our ideal holiday expectations are not met, we feel bad. That's when many of us resort to eating more food, more often, to keep the deeper stuff at bay."

We do eat to push down our emotions. And the holiday season can be really rough for a lot of folks. I like how they mention that people deal with unfulfilled expectations through eating. I need to watch out for this this season. I've got a lot of unfulfilled expectations going on, and some disappointment to deal with. But I'm really glad to be home. I like being here with my dad, and I get to be near Adam and my other friends.

So when I go up north for turkey day, I'm going to go for a run with my cousin and eat one piece of pie. Maybe 2.

Caffeinated energy drinks

"New research indicates that individuals who have a high frequency of energy drink consumption (52 or more times within a year) were at a statistically significant higher risk for alcohol dependence and episodes of heavy drinking."

It's interesting to look at the new bans on alcoholic energy drinks that are happening all over the U.S. Apparently caffeine masks the effects of alcohol poisoning and the general effects of alcohol. That's why you drink coffee to "sober up." It doesn't actually sober you up, but the caffeine masks how the alcohol makes you feel. A lot of college kids have been overdosing on alcohol by drinking these drinks. I suppose they just don't feel the same high, and then want more to make them feel more drunk.

My cousin up north just posted that he bought 2 cases of this stuff in anticipation of the ban. He's nuts to put that on Facebook, cause he's looking for a job, and his mom is his friend, but it makes me think this problem is more widespread. He's not even in college anymore. He's still really young, and I hope he'll just grow out of it. Alcoholism runs in that side of the family, too, and he's already got the anxiety disorder to go with it.

Act out less: Stop drinking

The biggest duh statement yet: "Alcohol is known to cause an increase in impulsive behavior in individuals, which can not only be dangerous for themselves, but for others as well."

Well, no shit Sherlock. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions, and can bring out the wild man or the angry person in you. It can make you act without forethought, as well, as proved by this study. But it's always nice to remind people of this fact. When you drink, you might just do something stupid.

At a meeting last night a woman talked about how she wanted to stop ending up in places and with people she didn't want to. She kept waking up from blackouts with gashes on her car that she didn't know where they came from. Drinking can make you do all sorts of things you didn't think you were capable of or never wanted to do. Ah, the inhibition lowerer. I know that's not a word.

A spoonful of sugar

It's fun when research comes up to speed with what doctors figured out a long time ago.

"When drugs that alter two mood-regulating brain chemicals -- serotonin and acetylcholine -- are combined, they work together to produce a greater antidepressant response."

Often doctors combine two medications to produce a greater effect on depression. I know I'm on two antidepressants, and once I went on the second one, I had a better response and came out of my depression. I love research.

And thats what causes that

Apparently, it's true. When you're stressed or sick you really do get depressed, and it's not all in your head. "Scientists previously observed that some people became depressed due to an immune response to illness or stress." It's your immune system!

When your immune system activates, you lose interest in the things that make you happy, according to hampsters on wheels. Stress can cause an immune reaction as well as illness. So right now, with all this stress, I should be down in the dumps. I should lose interest in running or doing other things I love, like going to meetings.

I tend to push myself even when I'm depressed. I try to do the things I love even when I'm not enjoying them. I'm enjoying the stuff I'm doing, now, when I get the motivation to do them. I think the meds are really what's keeping me out of the dumps.

Well, that went well

Well, the interview went well. I called my references after and said they'd be calling, and by the time I got home they had called. I think that's a good sign. What's hilarious is it would be a competitor of a place I used to work! I hated the place I used to work (this was a few jobs ago) and it would just be fun to work for someone who can actually accomplish the work they set out to do.

And the salary.... So tempting.

But I don't want to take a job just based on the salary. It would be an interesting position, with great opportunities for professional growth and travel, but not the most fun mission in the world. I would be dealing with people who are really interested in the long term health of the company, so that's a bonus, too. We'll see how it all goes. Hopefully I'll have some options, but no one else has called my references.

Another interview

Just got called by a headhunter, and they want me to come in this afternoon. He says they're on a really tight timetable for this job, and he wants to be able to present me this week. I like that. I need a job soon, and they need a person soon. I don't know who it would be with, because they don't tell you until they vet you.

He called at 9am, so I've been wanting a cigarette since I'm so excited. My dad finally left for his walk, and now I feel like chain smoking and then showering so I don't smell like smoke for the interview. Ah, cigarettes, how I am powerless against you.

I'm hoping that this one will be good. It looks like a good job, and I know I can do the work. The salary is insane, so that's a good selling point, too.

Go get your teeth cleaned

"Alcohol and tobacco use increases the risk of type 2 diabetes."

I worry about diabetes all the time. It runs in my family, and I know already that my meds can cause diabetes. So now I know my drinking and smoking can up my odds of getting diabetes. Since I've quit drinking, and after that period of craving sweets, I wonder how much my blood sugar has gone down? It was never high, but it was on the high side of normal. Once I quit smoking, I wonder if it will go down even more.

I'm supposed to have blood tests every 6 months, and I think I'm coming up on it. I'm also coming up on dentist appointments and gynecologist appointments. I've got to get back to those soon. I like to get tested for cancer every year, instead of the every 2 they suggest for women my age. I have so many risk factors with the heavy drinking and smoking and the family history. They also say when you quit smoking to go to the dentist and get your teeth cleaned. Sometimes seeing just how clean they are can deter you from smoking.

It sucks not having insurance that will cover this stuff. I have these doctors already, but I'm sure it will be really expensive without insurance. I want to get back on birth control eventually, and not smoking will reduce my risks of health problems related to that, too.

It's the liver again

Just like the way alcohol affects your liver, smoking does the same. When you smoke, it affects the enzymes in your liver. If you're taking medications like mine, which work through your liver, they can change the medications' effects.

"Some drugs are broken down by these enzymes. Therefore, smoking whilst taking these medications reduces the amount of drug in the blood. There are several drugs which fall into this group, however there are very few which would have the way they worked altered."

So when I quit smoking, perhaps my meds will work better, and I'll be able to go off of one of them. I might get depressed in the beginning, but I'm hoping that since my meds will work better, they will prevent that initial depression.

"Smoking destroys certain vitamins and creates the need for other specific nutrients."

The multi-vitamins I've started to take will work better, too after I quit. It will be nice to only have caffeine in my system as a chemical not needed in the body. One day I'll be able to give up diet Coke, but I'll never give up coffee. I love the way it tastes, and I enjoy it a lot. But diet Coke can go away. I didn't have a problem with it until I quit alcohol, and I think it's just replacing that habit.

The lozenges call to me

It's interesting; I don't really feel like smoking any more, but I just keep doing it. Dad left to get the mail, and I immediately went outside to smoke. Even though I hadn't been thinking about it. It's just habit now to do it when I have the opportunity. I'm leaving in 2 hours to go to a meeting, and I'm sure I'll smoke before I leave, and after the meeting. It's just what I do.

I read the Commit website and signed up for daily reminders. I also opened the package and put them in my purse. They have these handy little pill boxes that you can carry with you. They fit nicely in my purse, and I'll have them right on me. Instead of reaching in for a cigarette, I can reach in for a lozenge.

I feel like starting right now, but I'm going to give myself a little more time. I'm going to throw all the packs away on Monday, and it's going to hurt to throw out $10. I'm so cheap that I'd rather smoke them. But I spent that money on the lozenges, so I'd like to spend that money instead. Maybe I'll be able to give away my cigs at a meeting. I'll give them to my sponsor.

A meeting with the psych doc planned

So I finally made and appointment with a psychiatrist. I am slowly running out of meds, and I need to talk to someone about adding vitamins and the lozenges to my regimen. I called someone I used to see, even though he's not on my network (it seems no one is), and the receptionist remembered me! Adam has been going to him for a while, and he remembered me, too. It'll be nice to restart with someone who knows me and already has a file on me.

I like this guy. He's real straight and to the point. He doesn't mess around, and he'll give you the free samples, too. He says he gets too many of them, so he passes them out to clients so they don't have to pay as much when they get their new meds. I think that's awfully nice of him.

My appointment isn't till after Thanksgiving. I'll make sure to talk to him about quitting alcohol, too. I want to stay on the Abilify, cause I can feel how that one makes me feel, but maybe I can go off the Lamictal. That one is the most expensive, and it's an anti-psychotic, which I'm not sure I need anymore. We'll see what Dr. C says.

Just like alcohol, give up smoking

"Give cessation time and you will be free.
Give smoking time and it will kill you."

I think this will be my mantra. Give it time; turn it over. This is from an article on "Junkie thinking," which is a lot like the thinking people have when quitting alcohol. People think, "I can have just one," and they never can. Just one cigarette makes you crave just one more. You can never really have just one. I suppose people who don't have addiction problems can do it, but us addicts can't.

I met with Annie the other day, and she said she quit smoking 3 months ago. When she saw me smoking as I walked up, she thought, "Great! Now I can bum one off her. Maybe I'll just chain smoke while we talk!" But she prayed about it. She said she prayed while we talked, and she was "cured" of the obsession to ask me for a cigarette.

Just like quitting alcohol, I need to turn it over and ask God to relieve me of the urge to smoke. I can deal with the side effects, just like I was able to deal with the side effects I got from not drinking. I'm strong and persistent. I just need to make that commitment to not smoking.

Give cessation time and you will be free.
Give smoking time and it will kill you.

Your body changes when you quit

Ohhhh....

"Regular exercise can reduce around two dozen physical and mental health conditions and slow down how quickly the body ages."

So I'm speeding up the aging process by smoking, and slowing it down by exercising. Perhaps it will all even out and I'll just age accordingly. I like that I'm going to quit smoking. I'm really excited about it. I'm going to get less wrinkles (hopefully), be less out of breath when I run (especially the marathon), and stop reeking like cigarettes.

And now apparently with the exercise I'm less likely to get cancers and dementia. I like that, too. I know within a couple of years your lungs get back to almost normal. It's pretty cool to check out that link. I suggest you do it!

Fat sand rats

Ok, I don't have SAD, but I needed to include this for the sole reason that they're doing research on "fat sand rats." I love it.

"Saying goodbye to summer can be difficult for everybody. In some people the onset of winter triggers Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, a mood disorder in which sufferers experience symptoms of depression. Happily, a special kind of gerbil exhibits remarkably similar reactions to SAD treatments as humans, opening a promising new channel for study and treatment of the common complaint."

Vitamin D and those lamps are proven to be good for folks with SAD. I started taking the vitamin D in a multi-vitamin and hope it'll be good for the depression.

I'm finally going to do it

OK, I bought the Commit lozenges and told my dad I was quitting. "You reek like you just smoked a cigarette," he said. I did, I told him, but I'm quitting on Monday. "I wanted to tell you because I'm going to be cranky on Wednesday when we drive north."

So I'm doing it. I'm quitting smoking, finally. I'm hoping the lozenges will get me to be less of a jackass during my time in "hell week," as they call it.

I've quit before, cold turkey, and it's worked until I've been stressed out. I'm hoping that since I've been better at dealing with stress without alcohol, I'll be able to deal with stress without smoking.

Will the bipolar calm down?

"Alcohol exposure during adolescence alters the body's ability to respond to stress in adulthood....problems regulating stress are associated with behavioral and mood disorders, the findings may indicate that binge drinking in adolescence leads to increased risk of anxiety or depression in adulthood."

I began drinking and doing drugs when I was 15. I had depression issues before that, but wasn't diagnosed bipolar until a little bit after I started doing drugs. I dealt with the stress in my life by doing drugs, and believe me, there was a lot of stress in my life. I hear people say all the time that they used to think, "If you had my problems you'd drink too!" I suppose that's what I was saying, without saying that.

I don't know when I started having panic attacks, but I don't think it was until college. I know I was a mess, then, but I also wasn't on medication except drinking. I did the occasional drug, but not really. I smoked, too. I kept dealing with the stress by drinking. Every time something went wrong, I got drunk.

So in my adulthood, I have trouble dealing with stress. Is it because of that early drug use? Is it because I've gotten into the habit of dealing with stress with substances? I've been under a lot of stress lately, and haven't dealt with stress with substances. I've been able to just deal with it (with the help of cigarettes and diet Coke). I wonder if just breaking that habit will help me deal with stress. I wonder when I break the cigarette habit, if that will help me deal with stress?

I wonder a lot whether the drugs I took made me bipolar instead of just depressed. I did take an anti-depressant and went manic, which is a good indicator of being bipolar, but could it have been exacerbated by my drug and alcohol use? I'm hoping that the longer I'm sober the less drugs I need to be on. I'm hoping it will calm down the bipolar.

Marya Hornbacher talks about still being on meds, and talks about how you'll still be bipolar without the drugs. I think that's true: It will still be there. She had a severe case of bipolar, which I don't have, but I know it will still be something I'll have to deal with, just maybe lesser.

A quitting partner

So Michael is going to quit with me. That's right, he smokes too. We even smoked before the half marathon, cause we're addicted. We're going to try to quit on Monday when we run out of cigarettes. He's only got about 10 cigarettes left, but he smokes less than I do. I think he's just going to go cold turkey and not do the lozenges, but I think I might need them. Apparently they make the symptoms of quitting less unbearable. I don't want to be really cranky in the car driving north for Thanksgiving.

Plus, Sunday is my dad's birthday. It would be nice to be able to quit as a present to him, though I don't think I'm going to tell anyone except my sponsor. I just won't smoke, and see how it goes.

All this talk about cigarettes is making me want one. But I already ran today, and took a shower. Showers can sometimes make me feel better. So what do I do instead? I need to not eat to make this go away, either. I really want to get back down to the weight I was before I moved here and stopped eating well. More about weight loss later, I'm sure.

Drinking and smoking

Huh.

"Did you know that…

* per person, smokers drink about twice as much alcohol as non-smokers?
* people who drink heavily are more likely to smoke heavily too?
* reducing drinking helps people quit smoking?
* quitting smoking helps with sobriety among alcoholics?
* relapse to drinking may cause smoking relapse?"

I suppose that makes a lot of sense. Although, I did start smoking more when I quit drinking. I just replaced the drink with a smoke. It's interesting that quitting smoking helps with sobriety.

Another thing they report is that you should cut your caffeine intake in half when you try to quit smoking. Apparently caffeine can trigger smoking urges just like drinking can, because it makes the nicotine metabolize faster.

I don't know if I can tackle the caffeine addiction along with the smoking. One at a time. It's been almost 6 months (!) since I quit drinking, so it's time to focus on another thing. Hopefully I can control the cutting urge by running instead.

Any lengths

Interesting: "The two keys to quit-success are: Commitment- you make up your mind to quit and are willing to go to any lengths to do so; and: Preparation- you take the time to develop a quit-plan that works for you, and to prepare for nonsmoking life."

"Willing to go to any lengths to do so." It's a lot like AA, methinks. Your first step is to admit you are powerless over cigarettes and the smoking has become unmanageable. The second step is to quit. The third step is to give it over to God. The fourth step is to look at all the triggers and try to change your behavior.

So why do I smoke? When I go to meetings, I think about smoking. When I walk the dog, I smoke. It's good that I'm here, because I can't just walk outside and smoke a cigarette whenever I want to. I need a good excuse to leave the house. So if I stop taking phone calls outside, that will cut back. If I stop smoking when I walk to the store, if I stop smoking at meetings, I won't smoke any more. I think I'll start with only smoking when I go to meetings. It might make me go to more meetings.

We're at the smoking problem again

"A recent study found that 10 minutes of exercise reduces cigarette withdrawal and desire."

I can't believe that I smoke and run. It's just kind of an oxymoron to be a running smoker. At least I don't smoke while I run. I know I need to quit before my marathon. I will be able to go farther and faster if my lungs are in better shape, and hitting that hill will be tough no matter what. I went to CVS today and thought about buying some of those Commit lozenges, and instead bought more cigarettes. My dad just went to go get the mail and I smoked while he was down there. And I ran this morning! I had a cigarette within two hours.

It's just about opportunity for me. If I have the opportunity, I do it. Sometimes I don't even want one.

I say this all the time, but it's time to quit. I think I'll slow down, and only permit myself 5 cigarettes a day. I've already had that today, so it's time to stop. Tomorrow I'll try to stay in the house for a while, and only smoke when I go out to a meeting. A friend of mine is trying the patch, so maybe I'll try to hang out with her some more and she'll be able to talk me into not smoking.

Apparently, "On average, it takes smokers about 7 times to quit for good." Let's try not to be average.

If this guy can do it

Running is really good for addiction. There are a lot of accomplished runners who started out as addicts. Take this dude for example:

"That was my lowest low," he says. "The day when I woke up." He was, in the bluntest of terms, a crackhead--stealing, lying, begging for that next hit. For more than a decade, Engle had been addicted to alcohol and drugs, and now, on this corner, he reached absolute bottom. Engle had spent the past week holed up in a $10-per-day motel, smoking crack, drinking cheap liquor, screwing prostitutes, dealing with quarter-sized bullet holes in the side of his car. Back home in North Carolina, he had a wife and a 2-year-old son, and yet he could not care less. He was about one thing, and one thing only: the high. "I hated my life," says Engle, "but I couldn't escape it. So I prayed."

I hear a lot from people who said all they cared about was that next high, that next drink. I was definitely getting there. I wanted to make sure there was alcohol everywhere I went. I only hung out if there was booze, and if there wasn't going to be, I brought some. I wasn't to the point that I stopped caring about other people, but I realize now that I didn't care about them like I could.

And "So I prayed." God really comes through for you. Ask for help, and ye shall receive.

Don't take that

My cousin has a serious problem with shop lifting. She'll do it anytime anywhere. Most of her jewelry and all her sunglasses have been lifted from places. She lifts groceries all the time, too, or gets to know the people at the store and gets them to mark down stuff or label it wrong so she can get stuff for discounts.

I've never been a shop lifter. It makes me feel bad when she does it, and she tries not to do it around me. One time, we loaded up the car with Christmas wreaths and decorations and she only told me later that she just paid for one. It gave me a rush, no doubt, but it just felt wrong. I almost told her to take them back.

Today I had to return a salad at the store because the lettuce was bad. I had bought 2 salads, and decided to get three to replace the bad one (for my dad and I). He asked if I was returning two and buying just the one. I thought about it for a millisecond. I could totally get away with it.... But I didn't. I told him the truth, and I feel better for it.

I've been thinking about shop lifting. It might create that rush I've been missing from doing drugs and other stuff. I suppose you really just do replace one addiction with another, but I'm too moral to do it. Don't laugh. I really have values deeply instilled in me, and it's just something I couldn't do, temptation or no.

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat

Christmas is fast on it's way. I grabbed some cards the other day, and now I need to go back to the storage facility to get my address book. I hate not having my stuff around, cause I just keep remembering more stuff I need to get. I wish all my stuff could be easily accessed. I also keep thinking about all the great foods I have in storage. Don't worry, I didn't carry a kitchen full of food, but I do have a lot of bulk foods like quinoa and barley that I wish I had access to. My dad doesn't eat so well. Well, that's not true, he just eats the same stuff daily.

I ran some hills today in preparation for my crazy marathon in March. I'm trying to prep well, and do some core work too. Today I did some sit-ups and push-ups, as well as some arm exercises. I need to work on my hips. They've been hurting when I run, and that's not so great for having to run 26.2 later.

As you can tell, I'm getting obsessed with fitness, which is good. I need to obsess over it for a while, and get back into really good shape. It wouldn't hurt to lose 10 pounds, too. I've gained about 10 in the past few months since I've been unemployed. I stopped doing Weight Watchers because I needed to save the money. Of course, I'm just spending it elsewhere. I really should cancel my tattoo in December and wait until March to do it. But I won't.

I've had two people tell me not to do it, cause they like that my shoulder tattoo stands alone. It bugs me. I want it to be combined with the back piece so it all looks like one piece. Maybe what I'll do is just connect it and wait on the sleeve.

Networking in a bar

The Big Book says not to go to drinking establishments unless you have a good reason to be there. This week, I'm going back to one of my old haunts. It's the basement dive bar in the city where I used to go after work 6 years ago. We would walk in, and the bartender knew immediately what we all drank. He wouldn't even ask, he would just bring it over.

So I'm going back. Why am I going? Well, everyone who is going is someone I know, or someone who works in my field. My mentor asked me to go to network with some people he's bringing. It will be good to see everyone, too. I like all these folks, and I don't have to drink. Isn't that cool? I don't have to drink. But here's another opportunity to lie to my sponsor, or just leave out the where we're meeting. I could always say a restaurant, because it is, technically.

Will I be ok back in my old haunt? I think so. Just the smell of alcohol kinda makes me ill. I hate talking to people who've been drinking. The smell on their breath is gross. I remember a time when Adam said drinking turned him off, and I get what he's talking about now.

It's all about the search

"When it comes to God, it's not about the finding, it's about the seeking."

I talked to one of my pigeon sisters this morning, and she went to a meeting where they talked about the chapter about agnostics. She's a former Catholic and hasn't come to terms with the praying and higher power yet. She only has 13 days, so I told her it will come. She can always use the group as her higher power until she figures it out.

I like that it's the seeking. I've heard that from priests and nuns all my life. It's not about belief, it's about the questioning. It's about the looking into something and trying to find out what it means to you. I'm pretty lucky that I knew exactly where to turn when AA spoke of a higher power. I've always talked to God, even when I didn't believe in the church, I always believed there was something out there greater than me.

My goal now is to trust: to turn it over and let God have control. I come back to the third step daily. I have so much trouble just letting it go.

Why is my sleep so funky?

I didn't sleep last night. I kept waking up every hour and staring at the clock. I would fall back asleep only to wake up the next hour and stare at the clock. I talked to my sponsor this morning, and she was saying that something must be up with me. "It'll come to the surface," she said. I just have to go to meetings and talk to people.

Maybe it's the lying to her that's got me up at night. I've been thinking a lot about how much I lie. Remember back a few months ago when Michael said I don't actually lie a lot? He was pretty sure I'm too honest. I can be too honest about a lot of stuff, but not when I want someone to like me. Then I seem to lie more often. I pretend I'm someone I'm not.

So what do I do about it? Do I confess that I haven't been to enough meetings lately? Do I tell her I'm a little uncomfortable having to call her every day? It's getting easier. And they always tell you, of course it's uncomfortable. We're not used to depending on anyone but ourselves. We're not used to getting close to people. So I suppose I just have to keep doing things that make me uncomfortable.

It's time for a run.

Replacing one for another

Moving Beyond Addiction had something today about shopaholics. I know I'm not one, especially after reading the "symptoms," but she did have some good advice. We addicts tend to just replace one addiction with another. Instead of drinking, I'm drinking diet Coke. Instead of doing drugs, I'm chain smoking. Now I'm trying to get myself obsessed with running, instead. Oh, it makes me shop for new stuff, yeah, but it's not that horrible. Just shoes, a sports bra, and running pants for winter.

Anyway, "Often the void can be filled with a higher power and understanding of what is going on beneath the layers of the addiction. What trauma are you avoiding? What void are you trying to fill up with shopping? The answers are there if you just listen and seek assistance to help you get through your pain."

What am I trying to cover up? What am I feeling that I'm hiding?

Oakland Marathon

In March I'm going to run my first marathon. It's going to be a killer, too. The elevation is absolutely insane.



Look at that! Almost 800 feet in the first 10 miles. I know all those streets, and it really is just one gigantic hill. At least the roads are paved well, and there are sidewalks most of the way. I'm not sure how they're going to go from Montclair to East Oakland, but we'll see if they can cut across the highway or something. I'm running with Michael again, and I think we can make it 26 miles with some stuff to talk about, especially since I won't see him from December on. Hopefully I'll have a job then, and we can talk about his (hopefully) promotion.

Turkey and a family of turkeys

Looks like we're going up north for Thanksgiving. I'm excited! I can't wait to see my aunt and uncle and my cousins. I don't get to see them very often, cause they never really leave the state. They suffer more financially than the rest of my family, so they don't take trips very often. My grandma is up there, too, so it will be nice to spend time with her. Maybe she can teach me to make her famous jam tarts. Those things are so tasty.

My aunt has a bunch of sisters who make their Thanksgiving specialties and bring them over the day of or the day before. One of her sisters makes the best chocolate chip cookies ever. Another makes great casseroles, and my aunt always makes tons of other foods. It's such a big family event.

Usually, I sneak outside to smoke cigarettes with her brother and all the uncles when I go out to get a beer. It will be interesting not drinking. I'll have to find a better excuse to go outside and smoke.

I'm going to go running with one of my cousins while I'm there, too. She's an adorable 20 year-old, and I suppose I should start thinking of her as a woman instead of the kid whose diapers I changed. I really like her, and want to be closer to her. I just think she's great.

So it should be a really good trip. Maybe I'll even tell them I'm in AA.

The no meat athlete

I don't eat a lot of meat. In fact, I tend not to buy it unless I'm throwing a party. Don't get me wrong, I love meat. One of my favorite dishes to make is puerco pibil, which is a Mexican dish that's hot and the pork just melts in your mouth. It's wonderful!

But I tend not to eat meat regularly. I always wondered if that would be a problem, and if it's the cause of my fatigue. Maybe I don't get enough iron. But I've found some great resources for running without eating meat. The No Meat Athlete has some great ideas on nutrition for runners.

Most people suggest eating beans and kale or other vitamin rich veggies and legumes. It sounds like a great idea, but it's hard to eat well here. Dad tends to get burritos on Thursdays, and chicken salads one day a week. Other than that, we pick at some things in the cabinet. We had clam chowder from a can tonight. I'm hoping that I can find some good recipes and start cooking again. It's easy to cook for two, and I'm sure he would appreciate it. I was thinking of making pumpkin bread again tonight. It just makes the house smell so good!

Vitamins make you strong?

I went out to find that vitamin D and decided on a multivitamin instead. It has all the vitamin D, and B, which is also used in depression. It seems taking a multivitamin might be better overall.

"When a person suffers from depression, tiredness and anxiety he often is asked to take a dose of multi vitamin. Each vitamin member has its own specific effect if they are taken singularly the effect too is specific. Taking multiple doses has an overall effect. Doctors have observed that multi vitamin effects are far better with combination with other medication on patients than singular vitamins."

It's also good for mental health because the body needs all those vitamins to work properly.

"The brain is a chemical factory that produces serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, and other brain chemicals 24 hours a day. The only raw materials for their syntheses are nutrients, namely, amino acids, vitamins, minerals, etc. If the brain receives improper amounts of these nutrient building blocks, we can expect serious problems with our neurotransmitters."

It's also got foliate and iron, which are really good for blood flow and muscle development, which will be instrumental in my completing marathons next year.

"Iron: You need this nutrient to deliver oxygen to your cells. If you have an iron-poor diet, you'll feel weak and fatigued, especially when you run."

Let's hope the vitamins will help the fatigue and the depression, too.

The meds question again

Got together with Annie today (it's fun when people have your name) and read a little from the Big Book. We were going to go out to a meeting, but the metro was a little late because of service on the line I was on. So we read instead.

We read something called Acceptance about a pharmacist who did a lot of his own drugs as well as drank too much. Annie and I talked about taking prescription meds, and she mentioned that some people are so against it that they won't even sponsor you. But she's on meds, and thinks that if you need it, take it. She said she's not ready to give that up, and I shouldn't be unless I want to. "It would kill me," she said, "I'd probably commit suicide."

I totally believe that. Every time I've been off meds I've either tried to commit suicide, or I've been in that dark place where I totally could. I don't ever want to go back there.

I have 2 pigeon sisters (people who are sponsored by my sponsor) who are on meds. We talked about it last night on the way to the meeting. I haven't broached it with my sponsor, but I'm sure they have, and she seems ok with it. I don't even want to know if she is against it. Hiding again. Sigh. I should tell her.

Happy?

I think I'm actually happy. I miss not having a place, my dog, my car, a job, but I was thinking about it last night: being unemployed isn't so bad. I have a lot of time to run during the day, which is nice because I hate it when the trails are super busy. I ran down to the running store yesterday to grab a new pair of shoes, and all the tourists out on a sunny Saturday were in the road, all sides, all spots. I ended up dodging parking meters and trashcans. But it's ok; that's what makes it fun.

Staying here and not having a place of my own will be good once I get a job. I can save a lot of money and maybe pay off my car. That will make me happy. I hate having to make a car payment. It's so much a month that just goes down the drain. It's all paying off the taxes instead of the principle.

I will be happy to get out of here because my dad talks politics all day, and I try to avoid politics at all costs.