On a foggy night you can see forever.

Last night, in the fog by the beach, my sponsor and I met to go over steps one and two. We read aloud from the twelve and twelve, and discussed some of the phrases we both had underlined.

I asked, "What's the difference between self-care and selfishness?"

"That's kinda tricky," she said. "Self-care is more like when you do things just for yourself. Like your running. That's self-care. Maybe not talking to people who bring you down and don't offer anything good to your life. Being sober, that's definitely self-care. Just loving yourself and giving yourself space to be human. We're all human, you know. This program isn't about perfection. The cool thing is, we get to do something, and then keep trying. We get to listen to God's will, or our higher power, and try to make the best decisions. And we get to do it sober.

Selfishness is something else. It's putting your needs above the needs of other people. Just thinking about yourself and making decisions based only on what you want. If you have to make amends, it's not self-care, it's selfishness."

I love this. Self-care is loving the self, but taking care to take into account other people's feelings and needs. To listen to HP, however you see it, and acting on what you feel is right from listening.

And that's another thing we talked about: action. Turning your will and your life over to God is no excuse for inaction. You still have to make a move. You can't just sit there and say, "Ok, God. Do it already." You have to make the best decisions you can and move forward. If you don't make a move or a decision, you're deciding to do nothing, and that's definitely not His will. My God is a loving God, and he wants us to be happy. Take that happiness and run with it.

God's Plan

"We realized that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could have planned."

Offer it up, my parents say all the time. When I was a kid this annoyed the hell out of me. "But I'm in control! How can I let God have it?" I could never understand why you have to let go in order to have things turn out right.

So I held on to control. I tried to control my mom and all the situations there. I tried to hold on to every situation and turn it to my will. I asked God for things, instead of asking what he wanted from and of me.

Through AA readings, I've seen that the original advice of my parents still holds. I have to let go and let God. I have to look at situations and ask Him what he wants me to do. I have to let things happen as they may, and hope that they turn out the way I would like. And if they do, I can thank God for that. If they don't, maybe it's not the right time or place.

Right now, I'm still wishing and hoping for things, but I'm also hoping that soon I'll be able to offer it up to God when something is coming, or when something happens in my life. Wish me luck.

Chchchch changes

It's amazing to see people change. Well, not necessarily witness it first hand, but to see that someone can become something even when they're down at their lowest.

I met some great people tonight that had been robbers and stealers and such. These people who took advantage of others in the worst way. These people you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley. People you should be scared of.

And now, these people give freely of themselves. They come and share and run meetings. They give their stories to other people to try and help them live better lives. They live honest lives. One young man talked about how good it feels to make an honest living; working nine to five.

Amazingly, people can change. AA has shown me that everyone who puts their minds to it can change. With the help of my higher power, so can I.

Love is in the air

I love love. This totally has nothing to do with sobriety.

My good friend at work is totally in love. She just recently reconnected with her high school boyfriend, and they are totally still in love with each other. They take little lunch breaks together, and talk on the phone all the time. They email little love notes. (I still wish people wrote letters to each other. How romantic to receive something in the mail.) She's just giddy with love.

My other co-worker is also in love. She's been living with her boyfriend for some time, and they're still all lovey dovey. It's beautiful.

I love love.

Gratitude

A friend of mine suggested to make a list of what I'm grateful for. I have a list similar to that that my therapist made me make up. I think it's nice to have everything in one place, so here goes:

Sobriety
Trees
Rain storms
Running
Rolling hills
Sunshine
Fireflies
My dad
My friends
Feelings: Being able to feel them now, even though they suck
Free will

I'm not sure what else to go with? There's a lot I'm grateful for. Especially out in the world, and here in my heart.