Vacation time!

For the none of you out there who read this, I'm hitting vacation for the week of the 4th of July, and I probably won't be posting again until the 12th. I'm taking Adam around the state - from mountains to oceans - and we're going to have a blast!! I'll tell you all about it when I get back.

Here's to a sober vacation!

Soulmates exist

I totally believe in soulmates. I think there's a person (or maybe 2 or 3) out there who will "get" you better than anyone else, and be best for your well-being. I believe that the relationship, as any, still takes work. They'll be fights, they'll be troubling times, but being as close as you can get means you can weather the storms better than other couples who settle for ok.

My aunt Sandi always told me, "never settle." Sometimes I didn't get what she meant, but I eventually saw that she meant don't set your sights too low. If you want to go to college, you can! If you want to get a good job that fits your passions, you can! If you want to date someone who believes in you as you believe in them, you can!

And that's what I think soulmates are. Someone who believes in you completely and trusts you. Someone who doesn't look over their shoulder wondering if there's something better coming.

I've found my soulmate. He doesn't know it, or won't admit it, and I'm not going to sit around and pine (ok, so maybe I do a little), I'm going to live my life to the fullest and hope he comes around. In the meantime, I may meet that other person who is good to me and believes in me as well. Who knows? We'll have to see how life presents itself.

Control

So last night Adam accused me of being controlling. I was attempting to convince him to do something, something I think would be of benefit to us both, and he said I was trying to control the situation.

I really thought about it afterwards. Was I trying to manipulate him into doing my will? Was I really trying to control the situation by imposing my ideas on him? Maybe. I thought I was just trying to let him see the benefits of the situation - the good that would come of it - but I was doing it to benefit myself, and him. But what do I know about other people? I can't make a decision for him on what's best for him. I have to let him come to that decision himself.

So I'm not going to talk about it anymore. I'm going to remind myself to let go and let him make his own choices.

Losing control is constantly reminding yourself to let go. Not manipulate. Not even try to convince. Just listen.

Let go and let God.

There's such a theme to my posts lately, probably because I'm on step 3.

We discussed step 6 today in my woman's meeting. Letting God remove all these character defects. One of my biggies is I'm controlling. I really like to have control over what's going on. I've always been that way, and it was only exacerbated by my upbringing. See, my mom is out of control. There was always something happening with her: suicide attempts, getting lost, getting kicked out of whole countries. And I always was the designated rescue agent. Go pick her up from the airport. Go take her to the shelter. Get her food stamps and social security. Give the doctors her medical history. Make sure she's doing this, or that. Mothers' caretaker.

So I was always in control of an out of control situation. Things would happen, and I would bring order to chaos and get everything under control.

And it's just permeated my life. I've tried to be in control of everything, whether I could have any say in it or not.

So step three has been really hard for me. It's all about letting go of your death grip on things and letting God, or whatever, take over the reins. Admitting that you don't have control is easy. Letting go is not.

Talked with my sponsor tonight, and she said I don't have to do it all NOW. I don't have to be perfect. I just have to try. So I'm breathing and I'm saying it now: thy will not mine. Thy will not mine. I turn it over to you, God. Do as you may.

Cut yourself some slack

I've been hearing this a lot lately. "Cut yourself some slack, Anne. You've just taken on something huge. You don't have to have the rest of your life perfect right now. You don't have to know where you're going, just go."

I'm a bit of a perfectionist and an impatient person. I like to get things done. I like to know where I'm going and arrive there with the plan all mapped out. I like to know what's happening before it happens.

But, life gets in the way. I have no control over other people's decisions and moves, and so I have no control over the outcome of life. I just have to remember that things will turn out the way they should, and in their own time.

Perfection is a shooting star. You aim for it, and it burns out before you can focus. It's not something that stays with you. Impatience doesn't get you there any faster.

I believe in dreams. I believe in having visions of the future and reaching for what you want. Maybe I have to slow down and have what I want come to me in it's own good time.

An article about AA

Op-Ed Columnist NY Times
Bill Wilson’s Gospel
By DAVID BROOKS
Published: June 28, 2010

Wired Magazine
Secret of AA: After 75 Years, We Don’t Know How It Works
By Brendan I. Koerner, June 23, 2010

God, grant me the serenity

God, grant me the serenity to not kill my coworkers. Grant me the serenity to accept that I can't change them and the way that they micromanage me. Please give me the courage to speak to them about it, and the wisdom to know what I can and can't change.

I've been saying the serenity prayer all day. There are some things in my life that are causing brain chaos, or as my friend Adam calls it, bees in the head. I've been thinking too much, obsessing really, over a lot of things. I just can't seem to help it.

Work is like hell sometimes, only it's cold in my office. Sometimes people just annoy you to no end. They try to control the things they cannot change, and work to manage processes that don't need to be managed. Sigh.

I'm also working on some personal issues in my head that require therapy. I've been talking about them, and getting some good things on the table, but the combination of all these things has me repeating the serenity prayer a lot.

God, grant me the serenity to not obsess over the things I cannot change, the courage to look deep into myself to see the things I can, and the wisdom to calm the hell down and just let life come as it may.

Do for others

So, I know no one but me reads this thing, so I'm going to tell on myself. It's good, don't worry.

My friend Andrea house sits a lot. She came to a house the other day, and the people said, oh, it's a little messy. Well, she took pictures of the kitchen, and it was absolutely disgusting. Every counter was covered in food and dirty kitchen supplies. It was really nasty. She works as an events manager, and had the biggest event of the year the next day. She was distraught.

During the event, she asked if I could go to the house and walk the dog. I got to the house, saw the kitchen, and immediately began to clean. I cleaned that thing top to bottom, removing caked on grime and grit. It sparkled when I was done.

That night, when she got home, she texted me and asked if it was clean when I got there. I said no, which was the truth. She texted back to say that the house cleaner must have been there and only cleaned the kitchen! It was nice to think that she didn't have to come home to that, and that she could relax in thinking it was someone whose job it was to clean that did it. I didn't want her to feel indebted to me for cleaning. And she'll never know it was the kitchen fairy who did it.

That feels nice.

Sometimes you're where you're supposed to be.

Sometimes you are in the perfect spot. It's like a higher power made it so. There's some sort of plan, fate perhaps.

Today, I had another annoying meeting with my boss. He's driving me nuts. So I said to myself, self, you're having trouble loving people today. Why don't you hit a meeting? I looked up my local (round the corner) meeting, and realized for the first time that there was a Monday one pm. It's an old timers meeting, but I figured they wouldn't mind me dropping in.

When it came time to share, they called on my friend Virginia. I hadn't noticed her there in the corner by the door. She and I are set up buddies for the Sunday meeting. When I first joined, she invited me to First Friday and saved me a seat. She was the first friendly face.

And now she cried. She spoke of her troubled life, and how alcohol used to take her away from her troubles, only to sober up and have them still there. And now that she's been sober 54 days, she still has these troubles, and nothing to turn to to make it all go away. She wept and tried to get out some of her feelings.

Sometimes you are just in the right space at the right time.

I went to her after the meeting and held her while she cried. I gave her my number, and permission to call me anytime, day or night, no matter what. I hope she calls. I hope she knows she's not in this alone. I hope she can break free of what's troubling her.

Half measures availed us nothing

You can't go into a program of recovery with one foot in and one foot out. Something like this, where your life will change in amazing ways, has to be taken on fully, with all your heart. Half measures avail you nothing.

And that's really what the third step is all about. Become willing to give it up to God and realize that you're not driving the bus.

Someone in a meeting the other day said he was reluctant to give up control, and his sponsor said this: "Paul, when you're flying cross country do you kick the tires and inspect the airplane? Do you see if the pilot has a license? Check that he's awake and able?" Paul answered, of course not. "Well, then you just get in the plane and trust? That's all you have to do with this step. Trust that there is something out there that will fly your plane, and that you don't have to know how it works."

I believe there is a God, whatever he (she, it) looks like or is, and that truly I'm not in control of my own life. When I was trying to control it all, look how I made it unmanageable? So let's let go and let God.

And that's step three.

The little dude

I heard a speaker last night who had the best description of a blackout state:

In your head, there's a little forklift driver who delivers memories from the short term to the long term. When you get drunk, so does the little guy.

My little guy has spent a lot of time sleeping on the job. He's been sitting there, drunk and snoozing, letting my memories of today and yesterday fade. I suppose it's good when you don't want to remember some things. Like when your life is fucked up and all you want to do is escape. That's what I used booze for in the beginning. It just seemed like the only thing that would work.

Now that I have to feel my feelings, my little dude is working overtime. I can remember what I had for breakfast. I know who I ran into the other day. I remembered what the speaker said. They say as you work on your steps, things start to come back to you. Sometimes I can't wait to remember things, and other times, I know those blackouts were brought on for a reason. There's stuff in my head I just don't want to know is there. Well I'm going to find out pretty soon, I think.

Drive little man, drive.

30 Days!

Yesterday was my birthday. 30 Days in the program; 30 days sober. I had to work a wine tasting event last night at the Zoo, and still, I didn't have to drink. I got to people watch and see everyone else be crazy, and I didn't have to drink. I got to walk around with my friends and taste lots of food, but I didn't have to drink.

I left early last night and went to grab my chip at the Island Fellowship. It's a rough and tumble biker meeting, but the speaker was wonderful and I was shaking with joy when I got up there.

My home meeting this morning also had chips, but no birthday cake. It didn't matter. I still got to stand up there a second time and show the world that I can do this. I can make it.

Today is a beautiful Sunday, and I still don't have to drink.