Yeah, yeah, I know

Ok, ok. So as usual it didn't take me long to figure out that I'm perfectly fine when sitting here safe in front of my computer, but out in the real world... I'm a fucking mess without my meds. I admit it: I have bipolar disorder. 16 years and 5 psychiatrists weren't wrong. I am on the verge of a breakdown, and tonight showed me just how close. I couldn't even get out the words, "I need a sponsor," without crying. That's pretty bad, since I don't cry, and NEVER in public. I'm what you might call stoic (except around Adam, but that's because frustration makes me cry, and boy is he frustrating).

So yeah, I'm patiently waiting till Thursday when the doc and I can have a conversation about what drugs to try me on. I don't want to do lithium or Zyprexa, but I'm willing to try out other stuff I've been on before to see if new combinations work better. I'm going to go into this new phase like I'm going into sobriety: with honesty.

Sometimes I just want my doc to feel like he's doing a good job, so I'll lie and say the meds make me feel better. A lot of the time I don't think they're doing anything, but I get confused as to what normal feels like, and I don't want to disappoint the doc by not getting better. Well, that doesn't help me, now does it?

I'm going to keep it together till Thursday and then I'm going to be honest throughout the process. Remind me on Wednesday how much I need this, or I'm sure I'll try to convince myself out of it again.

Train the mind

Go check out this ten second reading from Paulo Coehlo. If you don't think it applies to your life in sobriety, you're reading it wrong

Just when you think you're ok

I had no idea I had that in me. Sometimes you raise your hand to speak thinking you're going to say one thing, and then something else entirely comes out.

So I made it to the club tonight and went to the 7pm meeting. I didn't care what kind of meeting it was, but it turned out to be a basics (beginners) meeting, which was perfect. Paul led the meeting and talked about sponsorship. He told us the things his sponsor told him to do, how he took a while to find a good sponsor, and the importance of going through the steps with someone. He opened the meeting and said, "I see a lot of new faces. Talk, don't talk, but just know if you don't introduce yourself then no one is going to talk to you. If you want to stew in your own juices for a while, we'll let you."

A few people spoke, and then I raised my hand.

"I'm in a bad place right now. I'm sitting on step 4 without a sponsor. I want to be sober, I like being sober, but I need someone to help me stay sober. So please, if you know someone who's looking for a sponsee or you know a meeting where there's good sobriety, dear Lord, please help me."

And it came out just like that. I had tears waiting to burst out, which I didn't know were there, either. And like AA everywhere, people rallied. They suggested good meetings, someone gave me their phone number, and Paul told me I was coming out to dinner with him. "Let's go get something to eat." Over omlettes and toast he told me all the women in the club who had great sobriety, the bipolar man who was grand-sponsor to a great woman, and the meetings where the women hang out. He gave me the run-down of everything a newbie needs to know about the club.

I'm making a commitment to make some of the meetings he told me about. There's one at 5:30pm every day that I can make every day but therapy day, and I'm going to have to make myself do it until I find a sponsor who tells me otherwise. There's also a 7am womens meeting that I've got to get my butt to. I need to make those connections. I need a sponsor.

Change the channel

So the first discussion I found on that site is about sponsorship.

"Working the steps is not contingent upon daily phone calls, attendance at so many meetings, going to particular meetings, being told how to dress or who in recovery to associate with. There is more, but I think you get the point. Generations pass rigid control from sponsor to sponsee in the name of recovery. Where is the love and tolerance?"

Which is exactly how I felt about my old sponsor here. She was a little rigid in her view of what works, and it definitely wasn't the way it was working for me before with my first sponsor. Sure, everyone is different, and her way wasn't mine, but it's nice to see that others recognize that some people are a little type A about AA (ha), and that it's not necessary.

"...sponsorship was like turning the dial on a radio... we all like to listen to a different radio station and prefer different types of music... and sometimes when we try to tune in to a station and we can't pick-up the signal, its fuzzy and there's lots of static no matter how hard we keep adjusting. But after awhile we keep trying to hear a good song and eventually we will turn the dial onto a station with a good signal and we can hear & understand the words of the song so perfectly, and so clear!"

That's just what I need to do: find another sponsor and keep looking until I find that radio station that I can hear the good music on. I'm not looking for the "perfect" sponsor, or someone who isn't going to push me, but in 8 months I've come to learn what suggestions I will and won't look at (maybe yet) from AA. I know the language that makes sense, and the language that sounds condescending. I just need to find a sponsor who speaks my language.

Public Service Announcement

"Hazelden announced that it has launched a newly enhanced Sober24, the online social media site that helps people throughout the world maintain their recovery from addiction and compulsive behaviors. The site, at www.sober24.com, offers online membership as a free service to everyone in recovery, providing members with easy access to the recovery community, as well as experts, resources and services in addiction treatment."

Disclaimer: going to check it out now, but didn't pre-post. I generally trust Hazelden, though.

A little withdrawal

So if you don't really get any withdrawal symptoms when you come off your meds, were they working anyway? I had sleep disturbances, headaches, and moodiness, but none of it was as bad as a lot of people say. It felt like a return to depression, not a withdrawal. There was the weepy, suicidal bit, but that was about 2 days.

So here I am, a week or so off all drugs and at least 2 off the Abilify, and I feel... the same. Lazy, insomniac, eating too much, you know, the same as I always do, drugs or no. My memory is notoriously bad, so I'm having trouble thinking of "real" manic and depressed episodes I've had that didn't have something to do with drugs. Now that I'm off drugs and alcohol, perhaps its time to see what this whole mental illness thing is all about?

That's right, folks, here we go again! The crazy questioning whether or not she actually has a mental illness. But hell, I'm off all meds, I feel down but not suicidal, I'm able to leave the house, I don't know. Maybe it's time to not be on meds for a while? Nothing in my system but caffeine? See if it all balances out?

Let's chat!

Ok, that was a bust. In an hour only 3 people got to share because typing takes some people a long time (resentment!). They didn't really have a topic, per se. I mean, they said it was First Things First, but no one really talked about that. But, it's interesting to try something out for the first time. If I had a broken leg and couldn't get to meetings any other way, then I would definitely use it again. You still get to hear How It Works, and there's always some sort of AA-ness about it, even online.

One thing they did discuss is someone's friend was sponsoring a guy who then killed himself. Said sponsor is now back to drinking, blaming himself for the suicide. Her point was we are just alcoholics helping others, not trained professionals, and people need to get help where they need it, not just from AA. Good point, but I wonder the correlation between alcoholics and suicide. Is an alcoholic more likely to commit suicide (because of the damage done to their brain by drinking, perhaps?), or is a depressed person more likely to take up alcohol?

Apparently, "Alcoholics who live alone, and those who have personality disorders, are up to ten times more likely to attempt suicide than the general population." We may never know if alcohol or depression came first, but the suicide rates are both high (though in mental illness the rate is more like 20x the general population).

Speaking of patience....

I'm trying out an online meeting. It's on stepchat.com, just in case you want to try it out. I think it's a great idea for people who are stuck in the house or at work and need a meeting. I was wondering what in the world it was going to be like....

So far it's SLOW. She's reading How It Works and typing three sentences at a time. Slowly. The steps alone are taking forever. And it doesn't help that I've got the internet here as an added distraction. What I really need to do is get up off my butt and drive to a meeting, but it's 18 degrees outside and I'm feeling especially unwilling to go outside today. Since it's only noon, I know I need to make a plan to leave the house at some point. So, I think I'll hit a regular meeting sometime this afternoon.

There are a lot of people in the chat room; 20 maybe. More than I thought. It's conducted a lot like an AA meeting, where people raise their hands to talk (by typing !! first). So let's pay attention....

A desire to stop drinking

Apparently you can pick up cyber chips now. Just click the chip above.

Easy there, tiger

"The slogan "Easy Does It" is one way we A.A.’s remind each other that many of us have tendencies at times to overdo things, to rush heedlessly along, impatient with anything that slows us down. We find it hard to relax and savor life."

Ahh, relax. I have such trouble with this. I just want to do things right and right now, and so I rush them. Simple things like getting the line down at work makes me so anxious that I rush and mess up the register. Slow. Down. It's not a race. People can wait an extra 2 seconds for you to type in the right codes the first time. It'll go faster if you focus on doing it right.

I've been thinking a lot lately about living in the moment; being where my feet are. Sitting at the bar last night I was trying to concentrate on the conversation at hand, not on the fact that I wanted to leave or join another good-looking group. I try to focus on the hot water in the shower, the sound of my feet hitting the ground when I walk, savor the taste of something instead of think about how hungry I am or how unsatisfying soup is when you want something else.

Is it working? Sometimes. Sometimes I'm able to give myself that little moment of pause and celebrate whatever I'm doing. I've slowed down a lot, I think, but not enough. I need to appreciate what I have right now: be where my feet are.

I'm grumpy

It's hard to meet people when you move to a new city. It took me 9 months when I moved to meet a friend, and two years to make good friends. So I'm not expecting miracles here. Plus, there are a lot of extenuating circumstances this time: I'm not leaving the house much because I'm depressed and it's damn cold outside, I don't have a job where I can meet people, and I'm sober. Three strikes, and I get a night like tonight. Not that tonight was bad. It was just... lame?

So there's a great website called Meetup that has all sorts of events on it. I used it last time I moved last time, and got a good connection with the city. I didn't really meet anyone good, but I got to know my town. So I thought I'd try it again. I went out tonight with a group, not expecting anything to come from it but a night out of the house. In that regards, it was successful. So I suppose I have nothing to complain about. But I will, anyway.

We were at a bar, which doesn't bother me (and I got free drinks all night cause diet Coke was on the house!), or at least I didn't think it did. I remember now that, drunk or no drunk, I'm not much of a bar goer. I never went unless Sam was in town or I was going on a first date. They don't bother me, I just haven't been into the bar scene since my early 20s. Now I remember why they bug me: drunk people. I hate obnoxious drunk people.

You would figure in a group of people all in their late 30s/early 40s and in a fancy expensive bar there wouldn't be obnoxious drunk people. But there she was, with us. She was slurring and falling off her chair; jumping in to conversations with loud, odd responses to questions she must have been asking herself (resentment!). At first I was just really embarrassed for her, and thankful I had given up going to bars before I got like that, if I ever got like that. Thank you Lord for making me a home drunk.

Now I'm just grumpy. I suppose being a sober adult I will meet many more people like that; hell, some of them are related to me; but that was my first run-in as a sober person, and it was even more obnoxious than I remember. I can think of all the reasons she would have drunk like that, but then it occurs to me that those are all excuses I used to make for myself, and I don't have to make them for other people. It's just unfortunate.

So I stayed a reasonable amount of time and then bid farewell, only to wait 18 minutes for a metro train and have my iPod die on me. So I'm grumpy, and can't sleep, and have to work at 9am. Sigh.

Decisions, decisions

It's the little things that trip me up. Move back home? Sure. Buy a car? No biggie. But walk or metro? Tough choice. Dress up or dress down? Lord only knows.

I'm going out tonight (that's right, I'm getting out of the house) and meeting new people and I don't know whether to look nice or not. I mean, I am trying to make new friends, but it's not a dress up situation, right? I suppose I shouldn't look like I'm schlepping it. And it's only about 2 miles walk to get there, but it's like 20 degrees out and if I'm going to dress up, I'm going to wear heels. See my conundrum? I suppose it's really one or the other: dress up and metro or dress down and walk. That's better. Now I can just look for inspiration in the closet.

The Red Bull has worn off and so I'm just agitated, not amped. I'm attempting to feed it with diet Coke but I just ran out, so on the way home tonight let's hope the store is open or we're in trouble.

Is that you God?

There's a neat little post today on Acting On Impulse (on Paulo Coehlo's blog). The priest has an internal impulse to preach right then and there and, despite his embarrassment and inclination to stay seated, he delivers a sermon. He never gets to know if it had any impact on anyone, or sees any tangible results, but he still believes that it served some purpose.

Sometimes you just have to listen to your HP. Sometimes those little "impulses" are your HP talking to you, telling you the right thing to do in the moment. But how can you tell if it's ego telling you what to do or your HP? That's where it gets tricky. There are some obvious indicators - like if it's something obviously bad for you or others, like stealing or lying, it's probably your ego; and if it's something like helping an old lady across the street or being a priest and delivering a sermon, that's probably a good thing. But what about all the other little impulses?

That's where having a relationship with your HP in the first place comes in handy. You're more likely to do what's right if you know where the next right action's message usually comes from. I know when I talk to and hear from God I get a calming feeling. So if I'm feeling calm and get an impulse to do something, I can usually suspect good things. If I'm all amped up, I bet it's just my mania talking.

You'll find your own way of telling, but just make sure the things you do won't get you or anyone else in prison, and you're probably ok.

Red Bull gives you wings

I just had a Red Bull at work and I feel 100% better. Really. It's like taking my meds, only it costs $2 a can instead of a pill. I bet if I bought a case of Red Bull it would be about the same as 30 pills of one of my meds. Ok, I'm probably WAY off, there, but maybe not by much. Both are pretty expensive. But it works! They even have studies to prove it:

"The findings clearly indicate that the mixture of three key ingredients of Red Bull Energy Drink used in the study (caffeine, taurine, glucuronolactone) have positive effects upon human mental performance and mood."

It also helps that I'm listening to mood enhancing music. A little punk and some classic rock - all good stuff I can sing and dance to.

The meds still haven't come, so I'm glad I stopped panicking and gave up a while ago. I think I can survive off of caffeine and sheer determination until I get the meds thing sorted out. You figure I won't even potentially start a new med until this time next week, and they take about a week to kick in, and then we won't even know for a few weeks whether or not those meds are going to work for me. I hate the trying on process of meds. I just want to feel better, not mess around with different drugs until I magically feel a difference. I worry, too, about running out of options. I've been on a lot of different types and combinations of drugs, and what if I become drug resistant? Silly to think, but in the back of my head nonetheless.

Promises, promises

I've never really understood the promises. I mean, I understand the words, and I can see how they make sense, but there are a few I just don't get yet.

Here they are:

THE A.A. PROMISES

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Self-seeking will slip away. I understand that as the selfishness by which we live our lives will stop. Which is a very good thing, but it seems also that AA is a kind of selfish program. Putting your recovery above all other things (including your partners and children) seems a little on the selfish side to me.

I also understand that a lot of drunks used and abused their bank accounts, and that the bad behavior will stop. But I've always been afraid of economic insecurity even though I'm actually just fine (well, not at the present moment). Since it's not related to my alcohol troubles, will it really go away? Am I just suddenly going to calm down about it? What if I think that's a bad idea? I'm not sure my HP gives a damn about my finances, either.

I like these, though. It's very true that I can put one foot in front of the other and not have to worry about mis-stepping. My memory is coming back very nicely, and if I still smoked I wouldn't have to worry about lighting myself on fire, anymore. There are definitely promises that have come true. We'll see about the others.

Today is another day

I made a lot of progress today on my list of things to do. I have a haircut and eyebrow appointment, I paid my bills, I had my interview, signed up for an event next month, and made an appointment with the doc for next week. So that's going to be week 3 of having no meds whatsoever. Good times! Hopefully I can hold it together till then. I'm sure I can.

I was riding the metro this morning and didn't have the urge to jump like I did the other day. The other day I was standing on the platform and just spacing out, listening to music. I wasn't thinking about anything, really. The train started pulling in to the station and as it came up to me I got this incredible urge to jump forward into it's path. Instead, a woman walked in front of me and startled me backwards. It's funny how people are literally put in your path at the right times.

Adam and I went to lunch and he asked how I'm feeling. "Numb," was all I could think. Today I don't feel down, or up, or normal. I don't feel today. He asked me to come stay the night and guess what I did? I said yes. Why? Cause I'm an idiot. And because I just need some comfort. I need to feel human. And less alone.

Mental health vacation

I wish I had health insurance. I know I've said it before: sometimes I wish I could just go into the mental hospital for a while and get treatment. They could mess with my meds; I could have full blown crazy attacks without fear of hurting myself or scaring others; I could do crazy people art. Of course, if I had health insurance I probably wouldn't be at the point where I need a little hospital time.

"The average stay at a psychiatric hospital costs $8100. The average length of stay is 6.6 days. So average cost is, $1227 per day." I believe it. Hospitals are super expensive. I bet it's more around here, since this probably takes in cheaper areas as well. It really makes it not worth it. Which is sad.

Sometimes you just want to let your crazy loose, you know/ It's hard being normal all the time. It's really hard keeping yourself in line - monitoring every action and move for signs of too up or too down. When you know you're one or the other, forcing yourself to do things that will bring you back to normal. It's sucks being responsible. I hate that I'm depressed and instead of being able to mope and scream and cry I have to work and go out with friends and make new friends. I wish I could just be the mess I feel.

A 24 hour world

I wonder if the gym is open? It might be best to do something like that right now, now that I can't sleep. I was lying down for about two hours just dreaming and listening to music, but once the playlist ended I just couldn't seem to stay down. And now I'm up, wandering the internet. I gave up and grabbed a diet Coke, too. Apparently there were some stashed under my dad's diet Pepsi's. I thought we were out.

I have another interview tomorrow. It's a second interview with a place that I like, and where the people seem really chill. I think it would be a nice place to work, it's close to here, next to a metro stop, and there's supposed to be a noon meeting around the neighborhood somewhere. What more could you ask for, right? I don't know the pay scale, but I assume it's ok since it's a big organization. They are usually better about that sort of thing. My first interview with them was 2 weeks ago, so at least they're moving relatively quickly.

I called and canceled my meds order. I'm just going to send them back when they get here. I hate that I have so much to do but it's 2:30am and no one else is up to take phone calls or cut my hair. If only the world worked for insomniacs and day sleepers. I don't know what people who work at night and have to sleep all day do. Adam used to have a schedule like that, but he had weekdays off, so that's a little better. Everyone is open on weekdays.

Positive self harm

At least I'm turning to behavior that's not detrimental to my mental health, right? I'm thinking here about piercings and tattoos. It's just what I do when I need a little pain in my life. That, or I sleep with someone I shouldn't. What I really want to do is go out and find someone to have sex with, but instead I'm going to restart planning that next tattoo. Normally I would call Charlie and ask him for the first appointment, but I'm not going out there till March, so it will have to wait. I'll call him in the morning and book it, but what do I do till then?

I don't want any more ear piercings. I'm at the point where it still looks professional and normal, but one more and I'm crossing that line. I've already had my bellybutton and nipple pierced, and those went bye-bye after some time. I was just done with them. So, it looks like piercing is out of the question.

So, wait. I can't drink, smoke, have sex, get tattooed, pierced, or do drugs? What the hell else is there? That's right, I chose to sit with my feelings and work on myself instead of covering how I feel with substances of sorts. Great. And now I'm stuck with it. So in times of need where do I resort? I suppose it's time to figure something out.

Feelings are not facts

"If it happened, it’s a fact. If it hasn’t happened, it’s a theory or a prediction. If you hold a kitten over a working blender and open your hand, the prediction that it will fall in is actually not a fact. It’s a theory. It’s a theory that has a whale of a lot of evidence to point to the probability of kitten puree, but it’s not a fact."

One of the gratitudes on the list tonight was being grateful that feelings aren't facts. I like that, yet it kind of throws me. Maybe that's why I like it. I also really like the description of facts above. Kitten puree is a probability, not a fact. Nothing is a fact until it happens.

The list keeps expanding

I keep returning to the refrigerator just thinking that I should be eating something. Instead, each time I open it I grab another square of chocolate and make myself another cup of coffee. I'm being very nutritious today. I've had that, a bowl of cereal, and some yogurt. Granted, there are no fruits or vegetables in the house. I suppose that's on the list of things to do this week: go to the grocery store and buy supplies. Maybe I'll even think of a recipe and get some ingredients.

I need to do a lot this week. I have to go to storage and bring all the books from here, as well as find my equipment for hockey. I signed up for a meetup to play on Fridays, and I have no idea where it could be in there. I know it's there somewhere.... I also have to call the doc, and apparently, get a haircut. My dad came home tonight from his trip and almost the first thing he said was you need a haircut. Thanks dad. So that goes on the list.

There's a lot of self-care that needs to go on that list. I haven't had my eyebrows done in a month, and that's usually something I don't let go too long. I like to have nicely sculpted eyebrows. It just makes me feel better. So haircut and eyebrows this week are essential. Maybe I'll even stay and get my toes done. A little self-love.

Dual diagnosis here I come

I just noticed what time it is. I was going to go to a meeting tonight. Damn. Last one is at 8:30. I suppose tomorrow I can get up at a decent hour and go to a meeting before my interview. I need to find a sponsor. It would be nice to have one, and it would be especially good right now that I'm having thoughts of medicating with substances. Julie and I agreed that if the urge gets too overwhelming to self-medicate that I should have a cigarette. Just the thought of smoking stops me in my tracks, though, since it's just so gross to start again. It smells so bad, and tastes so bad, and is expensive, "And there are over 200 chemicals in it." Gross.

My old sponsor out west has been sending me a gratitude list everyday, as have a few other women on this listserve. It's been really nice to see what is keeping everyone else sober. I think I may ask her to continue to sponsor me until I can find someone. I really like her, and she's easy to talk to.

What I need to do is hit the dual-diagnosis meeting in the city and see if I can find a sponsor there. It would be nice to have someone who understands the ups and downs of bipolar coupled with alcoholism. It is kind of a different beast to be one of the people with "mental and emotional problems."

Should we start over?

Meds. Jesus. They're still not here. I gave up and just stopped taking the one I have left over. It seems ridiculous at this point to even bother with the drugs. I keep going off and on, or spacing them out over time, and that decreases the efficacy. I know it's the reason I'm so depressed. I called the company and they're on the way, but that's just not helpful.

"Are you fighting it or are you having a bit of fun wallowing in it?" Julie wondered. I am having a bit of fun with it. I haven't been this depressed in a long time, and I haven't been off meds in 5 years. I'm sort of seeing how it's going. I mean, what better time than now to prove to myself that I need the meds. And maybe we can start all over.

The meds were super expensive, and they're not doing me any good in the mail, so maybe my doc and I can work on getting me on a generic. We were going to ween me off this cocktail in March (if I was still unemployed) anyway, and start me on something cheaper, so why not do it now? I'm already weened off of everything. Why not just call him and say, ok, let's do it. Let's experiment. I'll just send back the drugs when they get here and get my money back.

I think that's my plan. Then I can get on meds that are a)cheap and b)accessible by local pharmacy. So my next step is to call the doc in the morning and get a plan with him going. Julie says to say it's urgent, which I suppose is true (since I'm having suicidal thoughts, and all), but that just seems silly. I'm not acting on anything. I suppose it's best to do it before all that happens.

Bypassing the thoughts

Well, we're back to being depressed. I've finally hit weepy, suicidal, icky-poo-yucky depressed. I either can't sleep at all or sleep so much it's ridiculous, and I never know which night is going to be which. I'm not hungry at all, and I'm even losing interest in coffee, which is not a good thing. Coffee is my friend. I feel like I'm on autopilot - just going through the motions.

I have so many scars on my hands from cutting or "accidentally" cutting. You know, the knife slips, or I put my hand through a window. Accidents. In this light, and in this depression, it's easier to see them. I notice them more and think about drawing over them with a new blade. Just drawing out the red; just to see it dripping slowly down my thumb. So I'm keeping blades away from me.

I'm scared of razors, anyway. Since my suicide attempt 8 years ago I've been afraid of them. Yesterday at work there was one on the desk and I had to get it away from me, but I was so afraid to pick it up. It took me 15 minutes, but I got up the courage to gently lift it and move it to the other side where I couldn't see it. I turned away from it, but never with my back to it (like it could spring up and get me).

I've had the thought of suicide come through my brain in the past couple days, but it's just been the thought, and then the thought subsides. It's never a plan, never a reason coming up, just the thought, "You should just kill yourself." Talking with Julie (the therapist) today, and she asked what I say to myself when that happens. I usually think one of three things: I'm too curious to leave; you fucked up so bad last time and look what happened; someone else would have to suffer by finding you, and that's unfair.

So they never make it past just a thought. And I know they're silly, but I can't help it. Such is the nature of depression: you have no control over it. Julie wants me to get out of the house and use exercise, people, and drugs as deterrents to this depression. I'm getting out of the house tomorrow for an interview, Thursday for work, and Friday for a meetup, so that's good. I'll have a reason to get out of bed. I need to start exercising again, and meds is a whole nother post....

It's in the soil

"The growing season has been long and unproductive. Perhaps it's the soil that lacks nutrition?" -Julie, on Adam.

She's a smart cookie. But I said I wouldn't talk about that anymore. He and I are just friends, and so I'm going to take that boundary to heart. I've successfully become just friends with many of my exes and had none of this lingering love crap. So I know I can do it. It's just a matter of setting those boundaries and sticking to them.

I feel good about this. I feel like it's a huge weight to know that he really just wants to be friends, and I really just want to be friends. When we were talking I said, "I'm not asking anything from you. I love you, but I don't want a relationship with you." And it made me really think. What's the point, then? Do I just love him as a friend and not know how to identify that? Am I just used to loving people less? Or in a different way? I don't know. But to realize that you don't want anything to come from it is something. What do I want?

I just want that friendship, too. I think part of me just wants the physical relationship because I need that kind of touch right now, and he's the best candidate. Maybe it's not about him at all? Ok, on to a different topic.

Poor Job

"The word "forsaken" refers to an experience of total abandonment that leaves individuals feeling alone in their time of greatest need. Recall Job in the Old Testament, crumpled over and covered with sores, pleading with a seemingly indifferent God."

And now I'm just being dramatic, but forsaken is a great word. When you're depressed you often feel forsaken. Sure, you have friends, but none of them are there for you or understand what you're going through. Of course, since you're depressed, you probably haven't reached out to them to let them know any of this, but still, they've forsaken you. The world has forsaken you. No one understands, no one is on your side. You're all alone in this. Right. Here we are, again, alone in a crowded building.

I reached out to Jennifer last night, and I let Diane reach me today, but I'm still having a case of the forsakens. I need a little more attention, I think. I need, need, need.

Can I tell you something? I thought about killing myself yesterday. Just for a little bit. I didn't have a plan or even try to think of one, I just thought about going away. Life is tough! It just seems to be getting tougher, and I seem to be getting more isolated even though I'm reaching out. I know a lot of it is situational: I have a lot to be depressed about, and I'm out of meds still. So I let myself sit with it for a minute and the feeling passed, as feelings do.

I'm still here today. I didn't cut, I didn't smoke, I didn't drink, and I'm not out somewhere trying to pick up a boy. All in all, it's a success.

Ronni said

A friend of mine said that today she was grateful "That I don't have to drink when I feel shattered!" Amen, sister.

I can feel all sorts of torn up, or confused, or disappointed, or just sad, but I don't have to drink. I don't have to see those feelings through the bottom of a bottle. I can just sit here with them. I can take a hot shower and think about nothing for a little while. I can play with a three year old and watch cartoons. I can go to bed early to make up for the lack of sleep last night. And I can do all these things sober. Sure, it's harder, but life isn't supposed to be easy, now is it?

The temptations

I wanted a drink. I wanted a smoke. She had told me taking that path would lead to another drink, and I didn't want to go there, so I didn't even consider it for another minute. I took the easy slope, ignoring the direct path. Both were covered in sizable stones blocking parts of the path, both littered with roots rising from the dusty earth. Each path had its hazards, but one led straight to a drink, whereas the other would give me the time I needed to shore myself against that seemingly inevitable.

One foot in front of the other, I started to scope out this new way; to see what might lie in front of me; but the overhanging limbs blocked any clear line of view to what the future might bring. Pressing one light branch back, I made my way forward, walking past the bar and into the theatre, ordering a diet Coke. Inside, I sat and watched the man leave for a cigarette, putting one to his lips before he left his row. Only for an instant did I think to ask him for one, and the instant came only after he had gone - too late to act.

She ordered a bottle of wine. "Will this trigger you, my unhappy baby?" "I already want one," I mumbled back. "I won't judge," she whispered. Always the devil on my shoulder, I laughed inside. She had just given me a gift. Now, I knew I didn't want that at all. Just imagining the taste of cheap wine in a dirty theatre made me want to wretch. If I'm going down, I'm going down in flames with the most expensive bottle of wine on the list, and it had better be an expensive list.

I came back out into the night free of booze and cigarettes. "Why am I the only one in the family who embraces their alcoholism anymore?" she asked me, half jokingly. I just smiled, gave her a kiss on the cheek, and headed back home.

It's the end of the world as we know it

Well, pat me on the back and call me congratulatory. I managed to take my angsty, crying mess of a self out of the house and out with my cousin Diane and her son. We went to a cinema and saw Megamind, which is super cute and adult-funny, but kid-funny, too. The 3 year old had as much fun as we did, eating nachos and candy and annoying the hell out of the woman in front of us.

When I got there, I was a mess. Adam had just called and we'd talked, again, about being friends. Neither of us, apparently, knows how to just be friends. He thinks I'm reading into his body language and doesn't know what to do with my profession of love. Sigh. I called him selfish. Ever since he's taken on self-help as a full time job all he does is talk about how things are fair or unfair to him; how his growing up affects him; etc. Which is great. It's good to dig deep and realize why you do the things you do and change the things that don't work. But oftentimes what comes out of his mouth just sounds self-centered. Which, again, I suppose is just fine. It doesn't affect me, except to make my eyes roll.

I told him I didn't want anything from him. I asked what he wanted from me. "Friendship. I want to give love and receive love." Awesome. Now we know our boundaries. Now we can reinforce them. I told him the physical stuff was too much for me, and he got a little defensive about "arbitrary lines you're drawing." I'm pretty sure there's a standard of appropriate and inappropriate. I'll just tell him to pretend I'm his sister Jane and act accordingly.

So I didn't do it right, and yeah, I ended up a mess after he had to hang up because he had an appointment, and yeah, I tried to cancel my date, but I went anyway and had a good time. And I've had a little time to think. I don't want anything from him. I don't want a relationship with him. I do just want to be friends; the love I have for him can be directed that way. The more I set and stick to boundaries the better off I'll be, and the better able I'll be to just tend the friendship.

I'm sick of talking about this, as I'm sure you're sick of reading about it. So I'll stop. Next post: something fascinating from the world of science!

Alone in a crowded room

I'm not sure what to do with myself. I had about 3 or 4 hours of sleep before Adam texted. He said he didn't like where we left it last night, and he hates having serious conversations late at night because nothing comes out right. He's probably right, there, but I believe in having conversations when they come up, not at predetermined times. You just end up not having them, then. Anyway, nothing was solved by text this morning. That was the end of the conversation - he feels bad and woke up thinking about it.


I'm not hungry. I've had coffee and diet Coke today and a cheese bite. I worked a little this morning and tried to just listen to music and space out, but I couldn't even focus on that. My mom also emailed yesterday saying she might move up north and wants to take the dog. I told her the dog was hers. He's already been there for months, and she really loves him. I think it's best for both of them. But it's still a loss for me.

I'm feeling really lonely right now. I don't have anything of my own, except some clothes and jewelry, my friends are all really far away, I lost my dog, and it's weird, but my dad being on vacation this week has made it worse. I just feel... alone. Not in like the, hey, I'm the only one in the apartment, alone, but alone like there's no one else in the building.

I'm jumping from up to down a lot. I need to just chill - just relax and stop thinking so much about everything.

Whatever it is, whatever it was

It doesn't matter, now. My head hurts. Probably from lack of sleep, caffeine, or both. I'm going to lie down and see what happens, but sometimes I like to just leave myself reminders. So, whatever you think it is right now, or whatever you remember it being in the past, it doesn't matter. All there is is what is (that's a lot of is's). All there is is right now; reality. And reality is: it's 5am and I'm still thinking about a conversation I had 4 hours ago and wondering what he's thinking about it. And you know what? He's not. He's sleeping.

So I need to stop, pause, and reevaluate. Little changes. Baby steps.

Sigh.

I haven't slept yet. Granted, I did have a 3 1/2 hour conversation with Jennifer to keep me awake, but I decided it just wasn't worth going to sleep afterwards. I mean, all I'm going to do is lie there and be angsty, so I might as well sit here and type.

I've been all over the map tonight, but I think one thing is clear: change is on the horizon, again. I suppose 30 has been the year of changes, and it's still got almost 2 months to continue. Jesus, I don't even want to know what else could possibly change in my life.

But now the big change is my heart. I have decided I can't go on letting myself be deluded into thinking about Adam as a potential love affair. He and I are just friends, and so I'm going to start acting like it. What does it mean? I don't really know, yet. I'll have to play it by ear. But I do remember something....

I never was convinced he loved me in the first place. When we were dating I always thought it was a trick. And he definitely loved getting high more than me, because he would ditch me for a drink any time. I didn't notice it then, but I knew something wasn't right. When we broke up I had this incredible sense of relief. I know, it sounds awful, but I was so relieved I didn't have to be scared anymore that the person I was with didn't love me. I didn't have to love someone so much and always wonder. I could just be free to be me.

So why would I want that kind of love back? I can't figure it out, either, but again, the heart is a tricky thing. It's kind of freeing to give up again; to say ok, I'm done. You win. Now I can just focus on me and not have to care what's going on between his ears unless he calls and wants to talk about something. That's what friends do, right? Friends don't obsess.

I'm so sick of the obsessing and the obsession. Pining and moping, dreaming and thinking about it all the fucking time. So boring. Wow, what am I going to do with all my free time?

Well, that happened

Adam and I just had a chat (well, this was hours ago, now) and talked a bit about that "thing" between us. He mentioned that I wear my heart on my sleeve and it must be hard for me because he doesn't want to be in love with anyone right now. He also mentioned how he's trying to act in accordance with what comes out of his mouth, and he thinks he's doing an ok job at it. A huh.

Where should we start?

Yes. Yes, it's hard for me. I don't know why, but I still love him and yes, it hurts when he talks about dating other people or whatever. Yes, it's hard to be with him without being with him. But there's a reason it's so hard.

I'm really good at separating out emotions and roles I have to play. I'm perfectly fine just being his friend and caring about him that way. But where it gets muddy, and where I get hurt and confused, is in his behavior. His body language screams be with me, when his voice says I don't want to be with anyone. It's completely a case of saying one thing and doing another, and that's confusing to me, especially since I want to believe what his body language is saying.

But does he know he's doing it? Ah. I was talking to Jennifer and we both agree: if he knows he's doing it then he's cruel and I shouldn't allow someone to treat me like that. If he doesn't know he's doing it then he's got another set of issues, there. I don't know if he just wants that kind of level of intimacy with me but thinks it can remain a friendship like that? Whatever it is, his behavior doesn't respect my feelings, and so I can't let it go on.

So. No more sleeping together, no matter how much I like it. No more staying the night. No more lingering hugs. Can't do it. No more looking at him longingly (he says I do, but God's honest is I usually catch him looking at me and so respond).

As Jennifer says, I need to "deprogram." In any situation like this the easiest thing to do is to make a clean break, but that just can't happen. We've got too much history and I value the friendship too much to throw it away. So, instead, we've just got to change the dynamic. We're friends, and anything that comes close to that line is going to be questioned aloud and stopped. I think once the behavior stops it will be easy for me to stop thinking he does want to be with me, and allow me to move on with just thinking we're friends.

I am capable of this. We'll see what happens when I start to pull back a bit. I don't want anything to ruin our friendship, but this situation is unfair to me and painful. I'm ready for it to change.

F*%$ the heart

It's so frustrating. I have so much to give, you know? I'm a person full of emotion and love. Someone who can cry and feel and give, give, give. But the person I want to give it to scares me. I never know what's going on. He touches me, he looks at me for a while, he wants to cuddle with me, he wants to see me... but he wants to be friends, he thinks too much, he doesn't know what to feel. So I'm trapped. I can't let it all out, and when I let anything out I get scared of the reaction. Should I even tell him I like to cuddle or will he then push me away for getting too close?

Sometimes when we say hello or goodbye we'll hug for hours. It just feels like he's trying to pull me into him. He'll squeeze me tight and lift me off the ground or cradle his head in my neck and rock back and forth. And I'll think, good, now I can hold him back. I can rub his back or pet the back of his head. I can squeeze back and say through my body how much I miss him.

Or then there are nights like tonight where he doesn't even use both hands. Where I ask for a second hug and he seems reluctant.

I told him I'm confused sometimes; that I walk on eggshells around him. I knew it would upset him, but I don't think I was clear enough on the concept. I'm scared of losing him if I say what I really think, because I sometimes think he's looking for a reason to run from me. There's just so much going on there. It's not a normal friendship; it's laden with emotion and meaning, whether either of us likes it or not. And I don't know what to do. I can think about it all I want and rationalize how I should feel, or what I should do, but that's all bullshit. The heart wants what the heart wants.

And what does my heart want? Sometimes I really ask; I really sit down and think, is this it? I mean, there are some bad things about him - I'm not blinded by love. I see his faults, his flaws, his issues. I know what they are, and I see their affects. I know I'll always have to hold a little something back for fear of scaring him with just how much I am capable of feeling, and how much of it is directed at him.

But I can never seem to help it. When I turn off my brain all I see is him. All I feel is love. My heart wants him, illogically, irrationally, indescribably. I've tried to make it stop - you all have watched me try and try. You've heard me list the reasons to wait and see or date other people, or whatever. You've heard me talk about how cold he can be sometimes to me. You've heard all the conflicting emotions. And I'm living them.

So I need to stop messing around. I need to make a choice. I know, not making a choice is a choice, and that's what I've been doing. I've been deciding to wait until May and see if he feels that way about me; if it could work. But I don't want to sit here and pine for someone who could or could not want me, all at his discretion. He could decide in May that he still doesn't know, and then where would I be? Waiting for this man to decide he wants me? Am I going to sit here while he dates other people? I couldn't take that. And that I know, now. I know that I couldn't sit by and watch while he loves someone else. I can't do that to myself.

I believe in soul mates, and I believe he's mine. So will it work out? Someday. It just has to. But what can I do in the meantime? If he's not ready? Well, the best thing to do is protect myself. I can't keep my heart out here on the sleeve where it's getting battered by his on/off attentiveness.

So I need to do it. I need to not type anymore or I'm going to cry, but I need to say it. I need to stop being friends with him until he can give me a yes or no. But that's not fair. How's he supposed to know unless I'm around? But how am I supposed to live like this? I need to know if he's going to pick me. What can I do?

Jet plane is a taxi-ing

I am so incredibly full. Andrea and her boyfriend leave tomorrow after a week of eating their way through the city. Man, I haven't been to that many restaurants in months, and never to any of the ones we went to. I tried to pick places that I'd never heard of, and they liked all of them. My Irishman even liked the Irish pub, which is a miracle, cause he's picky to begin with.

It was really great to have them here. They're some of my closest friends, and just being in their presence gave me a huge boost. My mood is elevated considerably from where it was last week, and definitely the week before. I wish they could just move here and we could continue to hang out.

I miss my girls a lot. It's hard to have two really close girl friends who you see almost every day, and always on Thursdays, and then don't see for months at a time. It's going to be even harder when Jennifer moves to the south next month because it will be hard to get all three of us together in one place. But hell, that's what phones are for, right?

Jesus, all I can think of is burping. I just want to go to sleep!

I'm crazy and so are you

“You are someone who is different, but who wants to be the same as everyone else. And that in my view is a serious illness.”

“Live. If you live, God will live with you. If only everyone could know and live with their inner craziness…people would be fairer and happier.”

I'm not a crazy person, I know that. I may have a mental illness, and I may look at the world in a way that others might think is odd, but I know right from wrong; up from down. Sometimes I label myself and all of my emotions. "You're just manic; You're just depressed," instead of it's ok to be happy, or sometimes things can make you sad. It doesn't all have to be based on the chemical imbalance in my brain. I can feel, you know. I'm allowed.

I need to give myself a little more credit for being human. I do a pretty damn good job. I go through stressful things and don't fall apart. I linger on Adam too much, but everyone has their Achilles heel. I can be up, down, normal, and these things are just fine - just sane.

So how do I let myself just live? How can I let go of all the things that tell me, "Don't do that! You'll look crazy! People will think you're manic!" You know what? Screw "them." I am me. Me is a little kooky. Me likes excitement and adventure. Me is willing to do funny and outrageous things. Me is willing to give all. And that's not crazy, that's living.

Let it slide

You say forget it, and you mean it. You think it through, rationalize, meditate, investigate, do all those things that make sense. You see it from different angles and perspectives. You see the outsiders viewpoint; you look at what your friends are telling you; you see the community input.

It's over. It's just not worth the struggle. It's fine, you think, you mean it, even. This is for the best. These things just happen like this. Life doesn't care what you think you want. And what is a want, really? Just a need overblown? Or not even a need. Do you really need this? Is this something you can't live without? Is it just a want?

It's ok to want. Wanting makes you human, but is it irrational? You tell yourself so. You think out loud that this is just silly and you're totally over it.

And then you sit down next to him at dinner and he pokes your knee and smiles. You can smell him: the way the soap mixes with his skin, and all you want to do is take in a deep breath. He touches your hand and you don't jump like you do to all other touch. In fact, you want more. He looks at you and you don't want him to look away.

He takes you home. The whole time all you can think of is there must be an excuse to stay longer; to linger a bit more in his presence. Instead, he brings up his ex girlfriend and you cringe inside. It's all a lie. The way he looks at you; can't stop touching you; it's all a lie. He doesn't mean it. Not the way you think, or want, or need. It's just him, being him, and you, being you.

So you go home, alone, and tell yourself it's all over. It doesn't matter anymore. You should just let it go. It's not that important anyway. But you're still breathing in deeply to smell his smell on your scarf and hoping somewhere deep down that he'll turn that car around.