All of it

My bridesmaids dress never arrived. After all this crap, and all these payments, it never arrived. I leave for the wedding tomorrow, with no dress. Now, I'm just going to do a reading. I'm so frustrated. But they're refunding all of my money, thank God.

I'm stressed out. There's just so much stuff happening. There's a group that might want to hire me, but it's a part-time contract affair, and I'm not sure if it will disqualify me for my unemployment. I have to be careful how much money I'm bringing in. I need to call them and see if it would work. I would love to be working, and it's a good organization. We shall see.

My dog had to go to the vet this morning, too. He was dehydrated and stressed, probably because he's been without me and is really anxious. Things in his life have changed a lot as well. That was another $160 bucks down the drain, and then he's got to go back on Monday for stuff like his rabies shots and more. Sigh.

I hate all of this stress. The nice thing is, I don't want to drink. I did have a ton of cookies today. I hate all this money draining out of my bank account, too. It's not like there's any coming in, yet, and all of it's going out.

Hopefully all of this will end soon and I'll get a job.

Money is pouring out of me....

Money is pouring out of me like sweat. Not only have I spent over $2,000 on moving, but I've spent a million hours and some hundreds of dollars on that stupid bridesmaids dress that still isn't here, and now my dog needs to go to the vet again. He's not eating, his nose is dry, and there may be blood in his stool, says my mom. She's super paranoid about everything, but it could be something. Something expensive, I'm sure.

I just don't have the money to keep shelling out like this, and yet all I want to do is go to Ann Taylor and make myself feel better. Shopping is another lovely addiction, but it sure feels good - I suppose like every addiction. Sigh.

Tell me a story

I know there are a lot of people who hate when people talk at meetings and ramble on for a long time, but I love it. People always have something interesting to say even when they super ramble.

Today, this guy came in and talked about how he was an arrogant ass who didn't care about anything. He's got 6 kids, and all but one has been in jail. He claims to be a warrior. But he admitted that at his bottom, he dropped to his knees and cried to God, help me. And now, he's a softy. I thought that was a nice story. A man so taken over by the disease that he didn't care about anything and through the power of AA and his higher power, he was able to gain a life of some sort.

People's stories are fascinating. I love to listen to their "experience, strength, and hope." I even love to read the stories in the Big Book and find the things that I can identify with. For me, it's the people who make this program.

Random thoughts

Job hunting really is a full-time job, but I'm trying to make it part time by watching tv while applying. Tv is fascinating. I haven't had a tv in 5 years, and only ever watched when I flew home or on Thursday nights. I am both loving and hating tv. Modern Family is pretty damn funny, and there's a new Law & Order LA on now with some pretty hot characters.

Luckily, there are a ton of jobs out here. I've probably applied to 15 jobs in the past three days! So my time watching tv hasn't been wasted.

On the other stressor front, I still haven't seen hide nor hair of that stupid bridesmaids dress and the wedding is on Sunday. I have been having so many issues with the damn dress people, that I'm sick of this wedding already. I don't even want to go, and I wish I were taking another sober alcoholic with me. It's going to be hard to be around all those drunken fools.

Enlightenment

She's talking about Lindsey Lohan, but I think it applies:

She, like so many other young adults, are never able to access their purpose because they are too busy numbing their feelings. Only that tiny voice of wisdom can be heard from their higher power, Buddha, God, Jesus, Allah, or higher self when they remove all the destructive behavior their lives encompass. Only when they embody their true and enlightened nature, will they find the peace and serenity they so desire.

Only when you embody your true and enlightened self. Spirituality is an important part of life, as well as recovery. You don't have to define what that higher power is, but in order to find serenity one must look outside of themselves.

I've been listening for that tiny voice. I've been trying to clear my mind of all the muck, and just open my heart to hear what God's been trying to tell me through all these trials. There's got to be a reason, a purpose to these things. Perhaps God just wanted me to be home for some reason, and he wanted me here now? We shall see.

Blessings

Had a good session with my therapist today. We went through my history and chatted about what's going on now. She said, "You're truly blessed." I really am. I have a lot going for me. I have parents to stay with, unemployment, lots of friends, and relatively good health. There's nothing wrong with me besides bipolar, and I'm extremely stable right now. I think that's a whole lot to work with.

The final strings

I no longer have ties with my old organization. I just received my severance check in the mail, and my insurance runs out tomorrow. The cord has been cut. Now I'm really floating out there in the ether.

It feels really strange to have nothing to wake up and do. I know, getting up everyday and going to work is horribly boring unless you love your job, but getting up everyday not knowing what you're going to do is discombobulating.

But right now, I'm going to a meeting. And later, I'm going to therapy. So I know what today holds. It's tomorrow I'm trying not to worry about.

God as we understand him

Tonight we talked about finding that higher power, and I thought I would share here what I came up with.

I grew up Roman Catholic. I attended catholic school and believed in God. I believed in the church, in the nuns, in everything they said, and I believed that in order for God to love you, you had to do what he asked you to do. Like not have sex before marriage or take the Lord's name in vain. Man, I was annoying about that. And I held off on sex before marriage until I found someone who I thought I was in love with (well, I was) and I thought we would get married (we were 15). It took me a lot of guts to go through with it.

He broke up with me (2 years later) and I lost a little bit of my faith.

I moved a bit away from the church by the time I was 19 and stopped going to church. I studied religion in college and accepted that all religions have something great to say, but looked at them in a more clinical anthropological sense. Religions were developed with rules of society. These rules were made to keep people in line, or keep people safe. Don't eat pigs, because pigs carried diseases they couldn't handle back then. Don't have sex out of marriage, because then it would lead to pregnancy and single mothers couldn't be married off. The rules all made perfect sense when they were made.

But I always believed in a power greater than myself. There have been miracles performed in my life before now, and I always knew there was something working the universe and it sure wasn't me.

Now, I'm trying to come to a place where I can believe in the church as a power greater than myself, without pushing it into something else. I'm hoping to come to an agreement with God that I believe in him, and hope to find my place in the church without all those rules.

All I know now, is that I have to give my life over to the care of God. I am not in control here, and I know it. I never have been.

Therapy found

I just made an appointment with a local therapy center which specializes in women and psychological issues. It's amazingly cheap, and I got an appointment for tomorrow! I'm amazed. It's $30 for kids like me on unemployment, per session, which is an incredible deal. Though it's only an extern and not a certified therapist, I think I can handle it. And all I need is someone to talk through my shit with me while I go through this stage of life.

They don't have addiction specialists, but that's ok. I worry more about the bipolar. The intake lady asked when my last hospitalization was, and was impressed to know it was over 7 years ago, and my only one. I think that's pretty good for a bipolar patient. I've only once been that crazy. I hope to never go there again.

Stress = relapse

This is another one of those "no shit" kind of articles.

"...high levels of a stress hormone in recovering alcoholics could increase the risk of relapse."

Well, of course they can. That's why the program suggests not making changes in the first year, because changes cause stress and stress can lead to relapse. Also, when you're dealing with so much stuff in your life your program can fall by the wayside. That's why I'm making a concerted effort to put myself into the program here in every way I can. I'd like to attend the womens overnight next weekend, and I called and left a message for the lady who is running it. I'd like to at least find a temporary sponsor.

I am stressed. I know this. But I'm working with it and trying to let it all go to God. It's his plan, I'm just living it.

Come on, God

I swear God is testing me. How much can he add to my plate before I start to really get worried? I don't have a job, or a house, my car is far away, so is my dog, and now my mom might have to move because of the dog, and I have to pay $700 for her to move into a dog building. Or I could take him here, but I worry about being in a high rise and him wanting to go out all the time. Plus, I wouldn't be able to leave to go places like meetings and interviews. How selfish of me. I should just bring him here.

But I won't break. I don't want a drink. All I can think of is getting relief from running. I'm trying not to do it through eating or smoking, which is hard to do anyway. I applied somewhere today that is a smoke free workplace, because it's a hospital, and so I would have to quit if I worked someplace like that.

They are all little things, but I feel like I'm being tested. I've had enough crap in my life already that you think I would get a free pass or something. But life is life, and I can't control any of it. All I can do is my best.

Finally, a run

I finally went for a run and had a long time to think. Man am I slow without Michael by my side. He keeps me running at a pace, instead of running and then shuffling, and then running and shuffling.

Running is nice and peaceful, even with an iPod. I ran down through the streets to the river and along the cemetery. I ran past four bridges and turned around to run back through the willow trees and wildlife refuge. I smiled at runners and they smiled back for a change. One even waved. I got a lot of alone time in, which I haven't been able to get since I've been back, except in sleep, where I don't want to be alone.

I didn't really think about anything. That's another nice thing about running. You have a lot of time to think, but it clears your mind of anything but thinking about your form or the sound of your feet hitting the wooden bridge. The slick pavement and the leaves floating to the ground in slow, slow circles. Such peace.

Women!

Well, I found a few women's meetings in the area, but most are in a town next door, which I can get to by public transportation, since I don't have my car. There's also a women's retreat next weekend, which is kind of expensive, but I think I might go. It will be good to meet people and really get involved. Maybe I'll even find a sponsor?

It's nice to have everything on the internet. So much easier to find that way. How in the hell did we function without it?

How does it work?

I suppose I'm not quite comfortable yet in the AA groups around here. So far, they've been very different from where I came from.

Back in "the old country" every group opened up with How It Works, which is my favorite part. Then there's either a speaker or some discussion, and time for people in the audience to talk. People are laughing and funny, and it's a relaxed atmosphere.

Here, at home, I've found that no one reads How It Works, they always say the Our Father at the end, and the meetings have almost been formal and tense. There's laughing, sure, but it doesn't feel the same. I've also noticed less felons here, which is hilarious. Less court cards passed forwards.

I suppose 4 meetings is a tiny bit to judge a whole fellowship, so I'm going to try a bunch more meetings. There's a noon meeting near my dad's house, and those are usually my type of weirdos.

Adam told me not to attend certain groups, so I'm going to ask him about some young people's meetings. I've been desperately searching for a womens meeting somewhere, but apparently there are only one or two. Perhaps once I get more settled and know some people I can start one. I think it's really important to have that kind of safe place to talk about the specific issues women face in and out of this program.

Lucky 13

Adam has been really great since I got home. He took me to two of those meetings and introduced me to some of his friends. He's made sure that I've gotten a foot in the door already, and I'm really thankful for that. He's really an amazing friend.

Then, of course, we talked about our relationship. He's sharing his feelings about not wanting to 13th step me, and how he doesn't want to be in a relationship. I know it must seem like I pressure him sometimes, but I don't mean to, or want to. I admit, I love him. I can't help it. I just do. My cousin asked when we were getting back together (he loves Adam), and I said I can't even date or think about that for a year. He laughed at me and said, "But I think a relationship like yours trumps anything else." But I want Adam to be with me on terms that will create a good restart, not because he feels like he has to, or something else.

I worry sometimes because we talk a lot about how hurt we both were when we broke up. I don't know if he's really forgiven me for breaking up with him. I know we both agree it was a good decision, because we've both grown so much after, and there's always a possibility we wouldn't have grown together.

I don't know. I just want our friendship to thrive. I know it will, because he's one of the most important people in my life. I don't want him to think I've come back to force him into something. We'll see how we both deal with me being so close.

Meeting at home

I'm here at home. I am all moved into my dad's place, except, of course, I forgot my shoes in the storage facility.

So far in my less than 48 hours home I've been to three meetings. Adam took me out a few hours after I arrived and I met a few folks whose numbers I got. A nice lady told me about a womens meeting the next morning, and I met a large group of sober women who gave me their numbers. The third meeting I heard about some other good groups to seek out, and I have a book now of all the meetings in the area.

But the funny thing is, I haven't wanted a drink this whole time. I haven't even really thought about it except when others bring it up. In fact, I have no interest in a drink. That would just make me depressed and sorry for myself, which I sure don't need.

I sure do want a cigarette, though. I've had one all day. My dad is retired, so there's no way for me to smoke without making up a weird excuse to leave the house. I think quitting will become inevitable.

So how do I feel? Well, I think.... I think I'm fine, actually. It's weird. I haven't freaked out, or cried, or had any big self-pity feelings. I've actually been just fine. It's weird. I feel like I should be really upset or freaking out. The only thing I don't like is I don't have my car, which makes me feel like I'm stuck, but I can use my dad's car.

Perhaps it will just take a little more time to hit me....