Whatever Lola wants

Adam is so like my dad - doesn't take risks, moves slowly and methodically, is almost stuck in his ways. It's kinda frightening. I love Adam, I do, and I told him so. I told him I want to be with him, and he didn't really reply. He just sort of suggested I think about it.

Well, I'm thinking. I'm a big risk taker. Do I want someone who won't jump when there's an opportunity? Do I want someone who is afraid of life? I mean, that's my interpretation of it. Nothing fun ever happens that way. You just buy your house and have your kids and lament the fact that you can't go on vacation. That sounds horribly boring to me. I don't know.

Maybe I'll never get married. Maybe I should become a nun. They'd pay for college and send me all over the world to teach. I wouldn't have to worry about bills, and I would have fun roommates. Nuns are so cool. I've always liked and respected them. It would suck not to have sex ever again, but at this point it's not like it matters.

Just thinking.

Gratefuls

I'm grateful everyday that I don't have to drink. Everything that comes up in my life: the hard choices, the disappointments, the resentments; I don't have to drink over them. No matter what happens I don't have to sit here obliterated in order to get something I think I want. In fact, my life has improved so much since I became sober. I've been able to take steps towards something I want, and learn how to stop doing the things that hurt me. I'm grateful every moment for recovery.

Holy crap, horoscope

If you've been feeling underappreciated in one of your personal relationships lately, today you need to deal with the problem once and for all -- proclaim that you will no longer be anyone's doormat! Past patterns in your life do not have to be repeated, especially now that you have the wisdom of hindsight to show you the right way to handle this situation. It's your own, personal independence day! Keep moving forward and do not look back.

A pretty picture

Just thought I'd put something nice up. Today was much better than the rest of the week. Things seem to have sorted themselves out nicely. I think I'm going to go see my grandma this weekend, as she's only 2 hours away from where I am. It would be the nice thing to do.

Man, I've got to stop taking care of others. Diane was saying she thinks I've spent my life caring for others, to my detriment. I don't know myself of my path. But I do, now. I'm going back to school for something I love to do something I've always seen myself doing. And no one likes it. I called Diane's mom, who has a PhD, and we talked about the haters. "It sounds like you know you should do this. Don't let them discourage you." I think she's right.

Update

Oh thank God. I just got an email from the dean and they're going to let me in despite the GRE. I still have to take it, and do better, but it won't get me kicked out of school if I don't. And now I get my financial aid package! Which means I don't need to ask anyone for money. Thank God. I have never done that before, and I hope never to have to.

So now I just need to fix the unemployment situation.

The return of the GRE

Sigh. Money, admissions, money, unemployment. What else can go wrong today? Don't ask, or something will.

Today I tried to call my grandmother to ask for money, but she fell this morning and I just was worried about her and didn't want to ask.

And then I had a hold on my financial aid at school and it took all day to figure out why, but I've got to retake the GRE cause I was so bad at it. So why did they let me register? Oh yeah, money.

Unemployment hasn't paid me in a month and I called to complain and they blamed it on me for not calling them earlier. Now, they're trying to keep my back pay. They owe me two months of money. I really could use that....

But the good news is I got a part time job. So there's that.

Rant

Sometimes you think that after 15 years in therapy you're over something. Apparently I'm not. After all this stress of getting into grad school, all I've gotten is shit from my family. Nothing but, "This is a bad idea," and "now you'll never get a man." Honestly? I could give a shit about getting a man. And the only reason they see it's a bad idea is that I am going into debt. So then help me!

They all have money, for Christ's sake. My family is by no means poor. But they all said no without me even asking. And that's a slap. I have never asked for anything from them in my life, and all I've done is given. I take their drunken phone calls, I listen to their pity parties. I picked my mother up off the bloodied bathroom floor more times than I can count, and I never asked for a thing in return. And what do I get? Shit from them.

Fuck them. I don't need their help, or support. And the only one who is being logical about all this? Mom. Crazy-ass mom is sitting down with me and going over budgets and thinking about options. Crazy mom offered me her last $200 out of SSI. Like Jennifer pointed out, she owes me at least support.

But I feel like an ass for feeling "owed." I did it all out of love and my own personal need to sacrifice for my family. But why can't they just be supportive?

DC Drunks

Interesting.

According to a new study by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), 8.1 percent of adults age 26 or older in D.C. are alcohol dependent.

Of course, DC is a stressful town. It's where people who are high strung and type A move to. I wonder what the AA rates are in this town? How many people are in AA? Judging by the amount of clubs and meetings, a lot.