24 club

Why aren't there meetings at 3am? Just clubhouses open all the time for insomniacs and the manic? Really, sometimes you just need a meeting and there aren't any around. The next one is at 7:30am, and I'm sure to crash before that. The internet just isn't that entertaining, and my friends are all asleep.

Brought to you by diet Coke

I just chatted with Adam and one of his first questions was, are you manic? Huh. Yeah. I think so. I think it's a combination of a lot of things. My meds are wacky because I'm taking only half my pills... I need to preserve them so I don't run out. I'm crabby, and I'm scared. I'm scared of leaving the coast where my family will take me in and HAS to help me out, to the coast where my friends don't have to let me in. I need to find a place to live that's my own, even if I'm sharing it with others. I don't feel comfortable couch surfing for very long. I didn't even like doing it with relatives.

Everything is still so up in the air. I have job interviews all over the country, but what if nothing pans out? What if something DOES pan out? I want to take this roadtrip, but I'm nervous about it being interrupted. I finally have given myself license to just take off, and what if I get a job? It would be ironic to get one now.

There are so many things I need to think about. I need to manage my drugs. I need more meds, and a source for them when I get to the other side. I need a place to stay. I need a job there. But where? And when? I think I'm just panicking a little.

But I can run away...

Horoscope:

When something is troubling you, it can be helpful to try to live in an illusion -- to keep yourself so distracted that you don't have to deal with unpleasant thoughts. This is an acceptable short-term solution, but it's a very bad long-term strategy. Today you need to face the reality of where you are and what has been going on. Reality is never as awful as you fear. Plus, you can't get control of your life if you don't see it accurately.

Beees!!

Feeling a little wacky today. It's over 100 degrees here, and I've already been outside most of the day. I just came back in, and now I'm twitchy. I want to go out and do something, but it really is oppressive out there. I'm not sure what to do with myself.

I'm chugging water, and that doesn't seem to help. I've got a headache and I feel like I could just lie down and nap. Sigh.

But you know what's cool? I don't feel like drinking booze. I was having a little trouble there for a while, just because I wanted an escape, but traveling a little has solved that. Perhaps I should just become a professional traveler? A gypsy?

Run away!

I think I might be manic. I'm thinking about traveling, I'm cranky, and I want a tattoo. All of these things could just be the time of the month, my situation going sour, and my regular need for tattoos.

So where should I go next? The plan is ribs, fill in some more on the trunk, and left thigh. I want some dancing skeletons and other Day of the Dead and Grateful Dead related stuff to match my arm.



I don't quite know how to describe what I want, yet, and my artist is on the other coast, so it will have to wait a few months. Plus, that's a lot of money to use up when I'm running out of unemployment. Sigh.

Fuck you, too

I take phone calls outside here so I can smoke, and so I can get away. I was outside talking to Diane and Jennifer and when I came back in everyone was so rude.

"I swear you spend half your time here outside on the phone."
"And look, now she's going back into her cave. The internet hasn't changed since you left!"

Don't they realize I don't want to hang out with them? There's so much fighting or bad tv watching. That's not my idea of family time. I don't want to sit three people to the couch and watch the Bachelorette. I don't approve of the show (she is an awful role model, if you could call her that) and I don't want to see it. And that's not bonding. Bonding is talking. Whatever. I need to get out of here. I don't know what they're going to do without me as a distraction.

Bibbity, bobbity, boo

Diane called tonight and said I sounded down. I feel down. I don't know. I'm done being here. I'm sick of living here with my cousins. I love them, but I can't solve their issues and they aren't ready to solve them themselves. I think in order to keep me sane, I have to leave.

My trip back to the other coast doesn't start till August, so I don't know where I'm going to go, but I've got to go. I'm going to go home for a little bit and pack. And then I need to go to my other cousin's house in another state.

I just talked to Jennifer, and she agrees: time to get out of here. I think I need to take a break. For my sanity, and my sobriety.

Under the stars

I talked to Michael for a long time last night. I was lying on the trampoline in the back yard staring at the stars...listening to the Yeti in the woods....

We talked a lot about our relationship, and how we were both less mature back then. It has been 6 years since we met, so one would hope we've grown since then. I don't know. I don't think marriage with him would be a bad idea. He's a great guy, he loves me, and he would do anything for me. We travel well together, I enjoy talking to him, and he's really interesting. I love his family, and he, well, he tolerates mine.

Isn't that enough? What more can you ask for?

Let me free

My family makes me insane. Like a caged animal. I fit into their little molds of me: good daughter, caretaker, rule follower. Whatever. If you don't care what others think of you, then it doesn't matter, right? I don't think I care. I mean, I obviously do, cause I'm blogging about it, but I'm trying not to.

A few of them, like Diane and her son George, can be really mean. They say things that aren't true just to be funny or fit a story. They also just say mean things just to get your goat. And it can hurt. It's not a nice trait in a human being. I try to be honest, but censor myself when it's not a nice thing to say. I don't know. I'm just sensitive lately because I don't know myself.

My cousin and I have been going to a book club, and the first meeting we all had to describe ourselves on a big piece of posterboard. Everyone was putting who their husband/children were, where they lived, what they did for a living. What did I put? I like to go barefoot and to travel. And I'm sober.

So who am I? What do I have? I don't mean possessions, but how do I describe myself now that I don't have a job or a place to live?

When the speaker for my group got up, she said, this is Anne, our little free-spirit. I appreciated that, but it kinda stung, too. I am a free-spirit, but so's my mom. It has some negative connotations for me.

I've decided to go back to the other coast. I'm going to take a meandering drive across the US this summer/fall and see some folks along the way. I'm excited, and horribly nervous.