Montana here I come

I should really go to bed. I have to get up at 4am tomorrow to catch my flight to Montana, and a long day ahead of me. We don't get in until 3pm, and then have to drive an hour to the park. It's just Michael and I hanging out, since no one else wanted to go. It'll be interesting, since he's totally an alcoholic, but I'm buying lots of diet Coke when we get there, and I have enough cigarettes to last me through the weekend. This will be my first camping trip where I haven't gotten wasted. I wonder if the mosquitoes will bother me more or less? I'll have less sugar in my system and more carbon dioxide from the bubbles. I think they like carbon dioxide.

Last time Michael and I went camping we were attempting to run a 5k in a national park near here. We set up camp, proceeded to get wasted, overslept, and missed the run. That's pretty typical of all my experiences with Michael: wasted, oversleep, miss something. He's perpetually late, and if I think I'm going to be late I just call and say I'm not coming. I hate being late.

We're sleeping in the same tent, and I don't know if the smell of alcohol on him is going to bug me. It doesn't make me want to drink. In fact, it just solidifies my non-drinking mission. Alcohol seeping out of someone is really gross smelling. Despite the smoking, my sense of smell has gotten better since I quit drinking. Maybe I'll spray him with Febreeze before we go to bed. At least I have my own sleeping bag so I can cover up my face.

Adam is awesome

He just wanted me to tell you that.

Really, though, it's nice to have a best friend who calls just to talk about nothing for an hour and a half. We can just babble on to each other, and have dinner together via phone. I like having friends like that.

Don't throw the word around

I hate when the media gets all obsessed with labeling bipolar. Lindsey Lohan may be bipolar, but that's nobody's business but hers. And calling Sarah Palin's temper "bipolar" is really annoying. People already see a huge stigma associated with mental illness, and using the word so casually doesn't help. Especially since a lot of people don't like her.

"Raisinear posted in our Forums about this very thing venting about how a person referenced their bipolar landlord because he is unbalanced and unpredictable. Raisinear pointed out that bipolar disorder can also be used interchangeably with brilliant, creative, energetic or artist."

People use bipolar to talk about unpredictability all the time. I hate that Katy Perry song where she says love bipolar. Sure, we can be unpredictable when we're unmedicated, but bipolar isn't something to throw around like that. I don't know, it just bugs me.

Every body is beautiful

Women tend to have an unhealthy view of themselves and their weight. My friend Amanda totally has body dysmorphic disorder. She thinks she's fat and has cellulite, but she's a size 6 and 5"7. She's perfectly fine. In fact, she looks great! But she worries about it all the time and constantly puts herself down.

A new study says we women really do have issues with weight that are tied to our brain patterns, even if we think we don't have issues.

Where does this come from? Do women in other countries have it? Is the woman in Uganda worried about her weight? I bet so. In African countries it's posh to be fat. It means you're well taken care of. A skinny woman isn't looked on as being able to have babies or be well off. So I bet skinny women in Africa worry all the time on how to gain weight or make themselves look heavier.

The opposite is our reality here in the States. We're constantly looking to be thinner. Since the beginning of our union we've looked to corsets and other binding contraptions to make us look thin. We have Spanx now, thanks to that wonderful invention spandex. Spandex makes thousands of women feel better in their clothes. We're always looking at magazines with skinny women, and trying to fit into the smallest sizes we can. Even the fashion industry plays into it. Clothes aren't really the size you buy. They're all labeled down so that you feel better buying them. I bet I'm actually a size 8, not 6. I sure was closer to a 16 when I was wearing 14s.

"No matter the cause, body image issues are not likely to disappear anytime soon; as the current study reveals, even women who think they have healthy body images have brains that tell them otherwise."

Body issues will probably continue to run rampant in this society until we start realizing that every body is beautiful. And women say they do it for a man's attention, but men don't care. We do it for other women. Like we dress for other women. Men don't care what you're wearing, but women sure do. We need to get over our fear of ourselves and just accept what is. Love thyself.

Running strengthens the mind

Obviously exercise is good for you, but it might also be good for your depression. They did a study pitting those on meds and those who exercised against each other and came up with this:

"...approximately 60% more in the exercise group than those in the medication group who had recovered, and there were about six times more in the medication group who had relapsed compared to the exercise group."

Relapse being having an episode, me thinks. I've got to get back to running. It always makes me feel good. I've been running on the weekends, but not during the week. My gym is closed for repairs this week, anyway. I've been going to meetings during lunch instead of working out, so it's sobriety vs. exercise. I think exercise might help with the sobriety as well, so perhaps I can skip two meetings a week and work out instead. Sounds like a plan.

Dual-diagnosis

People with bipolar are more likely than other mentally ill folk to have a dual-diagnosis. Almost 50% of us.

"Writing in the August issue of Current Psychiatry, Bryan K. Tolliver lists the severe outcomes that plague the victims of bipolar disorder who are also substance abusers: 'Poor treatment compliance, longer and more frequent mood episodes, more mixed episodes, more hospitalizations, more suicide attempts.'”

The article goes on to talk about some of the hypothesis about why this is so. They haven't found one that fits just right, so researchers are still at it, while a large population of us still suffers. Perhaps one day they'll have a drug that will treat both at the same time? Or maybe AA will get a little more tolerant about talking about co-occurring disorders. In my groups, people talk about their outside help and depression problems all the time, but apparently it's not kosher in all groups. We'll see what home is like. It's a big part of my story, and not something I would feel comfortable omitting.

Expectations on the rise

"'When you let go of the way you believe things are supposed to be, you free yourself from negativity....the perpetual disappointment, doubt, and frustration that come when things don't turn out as you thought they would,' I realize that is where I need to shift my focus starting right now. I am only feeling self-doubt because my expectations of people, places, and things are off the chart. I can only control my actions and no one else's, and really in the end, it is god's will, not mine, that is in charge."

Words of wisdom. My expectations for this interview are really high, and I'm putting a lot of weight on it. But when I let go and let God take charge, I can begin to relax a little. There's nothing I can do any longer to effect the outcome of the process. I just need to be patient and be happy whichever way it turns out.

Talked to Emily today about moving, and she thinks it's a really good idea. She was one of the people who convinced me to move here in the first place, and now she thinks I've been here long enough. Funny girl. It'll be nice, because I'll be closer to her and able to meet her baby. Important stuff.

So I'm going to relax and try not to think about it at all this weekend. I'm going to a national park in Montana to hike and check out the scenery. I need to focus on where my feet are, not where my head is.

ACOA

Growing up in a dysfunctional home can have lifetime effects on you.

"Often you chose relationships that reenact what you grew up with such as having partners that are not emotionally or physically present, such as your parents. You may find yourself contributing to enabling behaviors as your parents did growing up. You might chose to live in denial about important issues in your life, because that is the only defense mechanism you feel comfortable with when you are in pain."

I'm not a child of alcoholics, but a child of dysfunction, nonetheless. My mom was unstable during my teen years, and probably showed a lot of that behavior in my childhood, which unfortunately I can't remember. I do look for friends with drama, but lately I've been looking for normal folks. People without addictions and hard family lives. But I'm just attracted to these people! I find them without even knowing about it.

My fun defense mechanisms were alcohol and drugs and controlling behavior. I'm trying to remedy all that, as well. I need to learn patience and love for others, and accept that people can do it on their own. Not everyone needs my guidance.

A slippery slope?

"The Pennsylvania Supreme Court has upheld the constitutionality of an act that allows for parents and guardians to have minors involuntarily committed for drug and alcohol treatment.

Writing that prior case law established the presumption that parents act in the best interest of their children, the court, by way of a 6-1 majority, ruled that parents' rights to make decisions on the care of their children are "paramount" to the constitutional rights of their children."

I agree that kids should get treatment, and that their parents are looking out for them, most of the time, but this is a slippery slope. I know back in the old days when you could involuntarily commit someone for mental illness it ended up with lots of "difficult" women being put away, sometimes by men who were just cheating and needed their wives out of the way.

But despite that, I'm actually for the commitment process. We have a good process now in the US where it takes a ton of hearings and paperwork to get something to happen. This sucks when someone is in the acute phase of their illness, but is proper to protecting folks. I wish I could have gotten my mom committed a bunch of times, but I would have had to file for guardianship, and she's too smart to let that happen.

Here we go again

I say this all the time, but I've really got to quit smoking. I've become addicted, whereas I used to be able to just put them down for a while. I smoke in the morning, now, which I never used to do. I'm smoking about a half pack a day. It used to be 4 a day! And that wasn't too long ago.

"According to the U.S. Surgeon General, tobacco addiction can be as difficult to break as addiction to heroin or cocaine."

For sure, it is. Smoking is super addictive both in the chemicals and in the habit itself. Just like alcohol, there are trigger moments with smoking. You go to places you used to smoke, and that's all you want to do. Or you experience stress or disappointment, and that's what you turn to. It's so habit-forming.

So I need to change my behavior. I know with drinking you make rules, like no drinking at work, or just one, and it doesn't work, so I think not smoking has to be something other than just rules for myself. I need to find a way to cut back. I really should go get the lozenges and pop one when I want a cigarette. Or go back to chewing on Tootsie Roll pops. Those probably taste better than Commit.

Speaking makes me nervous

Ben asked me today if I would speak on Tuesday. My sponsor always says you don't say no to a request like that, so I said yes. What in the hell am I going to talk about?

What it was like. I self-medicated. I used booze to make me feel less depressed, to bring down my mania, to feel more like the crowd. I drank everyday, sometimes two bottles a day after work. I showed up to work drunk. I drank and drove. I slept with people I shouldn't have. I made a mess of myself.

What happened. I realized one day I had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I realized that I couldn't keep on going like this; that alcohol and drugs really weren't curing anything, they were just making it all worse.

What it's like now. I feel better. My meds are working. My head is clear. Despite what it looks like by how often I post, I'm more productive at work. But I've upped my smoking addiction, which I know I'm powerless over. I've upped my diet Coke intake. But I'm working on it. And the cool thing is? I don't have to drink.

What to look for in winter

There's a new memoir out there about alcoholism. I haven't read it, but she says this:

Alcohol tells you that you need a drink at four in the morning. It then tells you that you need to sick up that drink to get the way clear for the next drink. You obey it and you sick up blood. In the end your ears, nose, eyes and mouth are streaming blood. You shit blood. You piss blood.

Pretty powerful stuff. It looks like I'm getting a new book.

If the ADA says so....

"ABC News featured a controversial story about a reformed heroin addict who is banned from volunteering at her daughter's elementary school in Rhode Island."

Really? Apparently she had a problem when she was in her early twenties before her daughter was born, and had two convictions for possession. She has been clean for a long time, but still was banned from volunteering at the school. To me that just sounds silly. Why punish someone for the rest of their lives who has worked so hard to become clean? Why not give them the benefit of the doubt, but maybe do a drug test or something? It's not like she was convicted of child endangerment or something. She was just an addict.

"Use of heroin and crack, in particular, can be seen to come with a ‘stigma life sentence’ which is a crucial barrier to recovery and rejoining society."

But here's where it gets weird. "The American Civil Liberties Union took on the case and filed a lawsuit against the district, "charging that [the district's] volunteer policy violated Gianfrocco's equal protection rights and various state laws prohibiting discrimination on the basis of disability. (Drug addiction is considered a disability.)"

Really? A disability? What do you think? A disability is defined as "'The term "disability" means, with respect to an individual –(a) a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more of the major life activities of such individual.'" According to the Americans with disabilities act, things like Alzheimer's and other mental conditions qualify. I know bipolar makes me eligible for ADA, but I never use it. You have to tell your employer, and I'm always worried about bias. But alcoholism? I'm not so sure about that.

What the hell is brown sugar?

“There are various types of addictions observed these days such as consuming drugs, brown sugar, anti-depression and sleeping pills and cough syrups. However, alcohol still tops the list as 80 per cent of total addicts are alcoholics.”

This is from India, but I'm sure it speaks over the many populations of addicts. Alcohol is legal and condoned, as well is tobacco. It's easy to get your hands on both, and people think nothing of it. Except of course in America, where they've banned smoking most places like restaurants, bars, and in California, pretty much anywhere. They're trying to ban smoking in apartment buildings. Next it'll be in traffic jams. I know smoking is bad for you, and so is second hand smoke, but come on. If people want to ruin their lungs, that's their personal choice. You can't keep making up rules just to get people to quit smoking.

But what the hell is brown sugar? Perhaps that's the Indian slang for heroin?

Holding an intervention

Do you know someone who needs help with drug or drink addiction? In the program people often refer to 12 stepping someone they meet by exposing them to the precepts of AA. But sometimes, an intervention on a family member is needed. You've seen the show Intervention. I love it. Watching people accept help (and they almost always do) from their loved ones is a comforting thing.


“Interventions aren’t typically like the ones you see on television, with camera crews and the ‘made-for-TV’ drama. They are generally calm, yet emotional, affairs with the individual ultimately accepting the help that is being offered.”

Now, there's even a guide to doing an intervention.

I'm not recommending doing interventions, I just think it's a good thing to know about.

Fellowship of AA

"The reality is, you can't just put the drink or the drug down. Something has to go with it – people need support as well."

Fellowship is an important part of AA. When you feel that need for a drink coming on, you can always pick up the phone and talk to another alcoholic. When you've got to go to a function with alcohol, take another alcoholic with you. Being together often helps you overcome that urge, and you can take comfort in the person standing beside you.

I've found a good group of women in AA thus far. There's one woman who I've noticed has been missing the last couple of weeks. I'm not sure if she's just busy on Monday nights now, or if she's relapsed. She was having a tough time, but was 90 days in. She went on a long vacation, and I wonder if that triggered her to drink. I'll have to ask the ladies on Monday if they've seen her. Or you know what? I'll call her now. It's one of the things you can do for another alcoholic: call them.

I wonder how I'm going to find that fellowship again if I move. Do I just announce at a meeting that I need numbers? Someone did that this Sunday, so I suppose it's alright. I'll just walk in somewhere and ask about a women's meeting as well. I love those meetings the best. It's so comfortable to be in the presence of women who've been through what I've been through, and have what I want.

A rescheduling

Agh. They rescheduled my interview for Tuesday. Resentment! I can't believe it. I was all ready to have this thing over with today. But we'll see how it goes. I'm going to have a nice long weekend in Montana, and try to just relax. I can't put all my eggs in this basket, anyway. I've got to be more diplomatic about it and just offer it up.

Boo.

And we're fatter, too

More great news: women with BD had higher levels of fasting plasma insulin (FPI) and fasting plasma glucose (FPG), higher homeostatic assessment of insulin resistance (HOMA-IR) scores, and greater body mass index (BMI), waist circumference (WC), and hip circumference (HC) than control women.

So if you have bipolar disorder you're more likely to get diabetes and be overweight. But wait, aren't those two things often common side effects of drugs for mental illness? So how did they test for whether or not it was the drugs? Could we be just as susceptible as other people and then the drugs bring it on? Do women with bipolar disorder have higher rates of diabetes in their families, especially in untreated relatives? I wonder. So many questions. Sometimes I wish I were a researcher.

Co-morbidity

"Patients with bipolar disorder (BD) who suffer from anxiety are at increased risk for substance use disorders...."

It's like I have a trifecta going. I have anxiety disorder as well as bipolar, which causes some of my irrational fears, like the one about going to the grocery store a few months ago. There was no reason for it, just a fear of going there. I also get irrational death fears. I fear the people close to me are going to die, which is a fear of abandonment issues, as well. Character flaw!

So I'm on Seroquel for anxiety, but I only take it when I'm really losing my shit. Otherwise it just makes me pass out for 10 hours, and then be really sleepy the next day. My therapist says there are better drugs out there that won't make me sleepy, so I think I'm going to talk to my doctor about that. I don't need another drug, and my anxiety hasn't been that bad since that last panic attack earlier this year.

Ugh, I hate panic attacks. At least I don't have them often, and they don't last long. Seroquel can knock one out in minutes.

Anyway, they're all linked: bipolar, anxiety, and substance abuse. Which is kind of a duh, but interesting nonetheless. Drugs are good for balancing out emotions, and often people take a drink to "calm the nerves." It's a timeless tradition. People drink when things happen that make them anxious or sad, or even happy. Things that evoke emotion are often linked with drugs and alcohol. But when it's deeply ingrained in your head, like bipolar or anxiety disorder, you have a tendency to abuse those drugs instead and really use them to cover your symptoms.

I haven't wanted a drink when I've been anxious. But I did want a drink today. I was at the grocery store and the woman in front of me was buying Corona and tequila. I knew what kind of weekend she was going to have. I wanted to reach into her cart and grab the beer and just chug it. Then the line passed the booze section, and I thought about grabbing the gin (I hate gin) and just swigging out of the bottle. Then I thought how sick that would make me. I think my body would revolt if I put alcohol into it now. So the obsession is occasionally lifted, but I'm still having moments of want. These moments have definitely become few and far between, though. I'm grateful.

13 steps

Adam just called and talked to me about my program. See, if I move back that means we'll be geographically closer, and more likely to want to hook up with each other. There is a great mutual love and respect there, and so he voiced his concerns about "13th stepping" me.

In the program they say to watch out for the newcomer and make sure someone doesn't take advantage of them. 13th stepping is when an old-timer tries, or does, take a newcomer to bed or starts dating them. You've got to solidify your program before you can start dating, which is why they say don't change anything in the first year. Things like relationship woes may lead you to drink.

So Adam called to say we need to be careful not to fall into any inappropriate contact. He doesn't want to be that guy, and he doesn't want to threaten my sobriety. I really appreciate the concern. I know he wants me to succeed in this program, and being single is a part of it for a little while. I said, "So I have to wait till May to have sex with you?" To which he replied not to even joke about it. So serious! But I get it.

Into the cuckoo's nest

Woah. Apparently brain surgery is coming back. Remember Walter Freeman and his lobotomies from the 50s and 60s? Well, it's not using an ice pick, but with lasers they're burning little holes into the brain in an attempt to see if they can cure OCD. Apparently they had success with one person, another had no change, and another became incapacitated.

"For all the progress that has been made, some psychiatrists and medical ethicists say, doctors still do not know much about the circuits they are tampering with, and the results are unpredictable...."

I read a fantastic book called "My Lobotomy" (Link to the NPR story) about a guy who went through a lobotomy when he was in his teens. He was trying to figure out what effect it had on his life, and if it's what caused him so much trouble. He's a little impaired from it, but apparently your brain can grow back some of the damaged parts, and since he was 12 when it happened, some spaces grew back and he has better function than most who had an icepick to the brain.

I'm not sure brain surgery is the way of the future. Of course, ECT was given a bad rap not too long ago, and now it's back. Doctors are using it to "shake" people out of bad depressions, and it seems to be working.

So who knows what will happen in the future. Maybe we'll all end up with better brains through science. Or we'll all end up in nursing homes.

Don't fear Lamictal

Lamictal has done amazing things for me. It's evened me out a lot, and let me live a more productive life. But there are some fun side effects like Stevens-Johnson syndrome, which is a nasty flesh eating rash. And now, they say it can cause aseptic meningitis.

"Aseptic meningitis is inflammation of the meninges - the protective membranes that cover the brain and spinal cord."

Lamictal has only been approved to take for 18 months or less, but doctors use it for much longer. The weird side effects show up in the first month or so, so if you're on it, keep taking it. You're not going to get any of these side effects. Really.

I'm awake

I don't want to be awake. I want it to be tomorrow. I want to wake up and hear the news, and then start putting everything into motion.

Adam said to me tonight, "It's in God's hands now." And he's right. There's nothing I can do about the outcome, except put on a good face for tomorrow's interview. I just have to be my regular professional self on the phone,and tell the truth about my qualifications for the position. With God's help, I'll do a good job. With patience, I'll get through this.

Obviously I still need to practice step three a lot. Give it up. Give the outcome over to God and just do your best. That's so damn hard! It's hard not to force my will on a situation and jump the gun. I have boxes and bubble wrap here, and all I want to do is pack! I just want to wrap my plates and blender in bubble wrap. I just want to take things down from the walls and patch the holes. I want to tell my slumlord that I'm outta here!

I want, I want, I want. I need, need, to just relax and let things happen as they will. Let go and let God.

Spending frenzy

I'm on a bit of a spending spree. I bought more shoes and more clothes this week. Like I really need any more of either.... I have one closet and it's full of just summer clothes. All my winter clothes are in a box in the garage. It's going to take a bunch of boxes to get all that stuff out, and now I have even more.

Spending unwisely is a good sign of mania. I've got the money, but I should be saving in case I have to move, and I need to save for the last installment of my tattoo next week. There's so much I actually need to spend money on, that I've got to stop spending frivolously. I even put one purchase on my credit card, which I never do, and I'm feeling icky about it. I need to just pay it off tomorrow.

I can't tell if I'm manic or not. I'm not having paranoid feelings, and my anxiety is only raised when I think about my interview tomorrow. I'm not crying or drinking or doing other things that are bad for me. I have no interest in going out and finding a sex partner. These are usually all the signs. Maybe now that I'm sober my mania is changing, too? I still think I'm hypomanic. My doc said we'll watch it and see what happens; whether I go up or down.

Resentments kill

Forgiveness is good for your health. According to researchers, just letting go of the anger and resentment can make a huge difference in your mental and physical health. When you carry all that shit around, you just carry a heavy load on your own shoulders. Being mad at someone or something doesn't hurt that other person, it just hurts you.

That's why step four is so important. Making an inventory of all the people, places, things, and ideas that bug you and make you want to tear your hair out (or drink) helps you look at the things you're carrying around. It's like stopping the cab, pulling over and emptying your suitcase. Sometimes there are things in there you don't need to be carrying anymore.

AA also asks you to pray for others. When someone is being a pain, remember that they are sick, too, and you wouldn't treat a sick person poorly. When you pray for someone, it seems that it's easier to forgive them. So forgiveness is in order.

"Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, condoning or excusing whatever happened. It’s acknowledging hurt and then letting it go, along with the burden of anger and resentment."

So let that burden go. Hop on over to steps four and five and get rid of that shit before it kills you.

Cutting really does relieve the pain

I just read an interesting study that says borderline people (and I'm assuming the rest of us in the Axis II category) actually feel pain differently than others, and the pain we administer to ourselves through self-harm does actually make us feel better.

"'These data are consistent with the hypothesis that physically painful stimuli provide some relief from emotional distress for some patients with borderline personality disorder because they paradoxically inhibit brain regions involved in emotion. This process may help them to compensate for deficient emotional regulation mechanisms.'

The authors note that these results are in line with previous findings on emotional hyperactivity in borderline personality disorder and suggest that these individuals process pain stimuli differently depending on their arousal status."

Physical pain changes the emotional stressors in your brain and gives relief from them. This is what patients have been reporting for years; it works.

Doesn't mean you should do it, though. There are a million other, healthy ways to deal with your emotions. If you're a self-harmer, let your doctor know and come up with a healthy living plan. It's not worth the accidental "too much" harm.

My sponsor sometimes pisses me off

I'm beginning to get a resentment against my sponsor. She's not really around much, and likes to cancel appointments. I know she's busy, and I've cut her a lot of slack, but it just seems like every time we're supposed to meet, something comes up in her life. Hm. So I'm beginning to develop a resentment. How do you talk about a resentment against your own sponsor?

I know I could switch sponsors, but I just don't know if I want to fire her just yet. She is a nice person, and has a lot of years of sobriety. She's active in the community, and has a lot of contacts in the fellowship. It seems like she has what I want.

I'm going to have to go over the resentment list with my therapist for step five. She's a nice safe place to do it, and I know she won't judge me. I trust her. Thank God I finally have a good therapist.

There's something in the air

A bunch of my friends have been effected by job woes this week, or are disgruntled. I know two people who were fired yesterday from my old job, two people who are disgruntled and looking to flee, and one who's just disgruntled. It's pretty crazy. And then there's me, looking to leave this job, but hoping for the prospect of another. There must be something in the alignment of the planets.

So I'm still fixated on getting this job. At this point, I just need to know: yes or no. I am obviously hoping for yes, but I just would like to get on with my life one way or another. It's the impatience part of me again. Oh, character defects, how you bring me to my knees.

I've really got to tackle that one. It just brings on anxiety when I'm waiting for something to happen, though when I know it's going to happen, I feel calm. It's just waiting for the yes or no that drives me up a wall.

Have another hit... of fresh air

I'm stealing this post from Guinevere over at Guinevere Gets Sober. She found a calculator for figuring out how many years you've shaved off your life by smoking. Oh, lord. I did the calculator, and apparently I've taken off two years. I feel like Wesley in the Princess Bride when he goes through "the machine" and it takes off ten years.

But you can do some good by quitting. Amazing things happen to the body if you just let it rest from cigarettes. I need to quit smoking, soon. Maybe once I get home I won't have the triggers that I do now, and I'll be able to quit. I can't smoke if I'm driving cross-country with my dad (he wants to do it now, and that's cool cause he'll pay for hotels). He doesn't "know" I smoke. We don't talk about it, and I don't do it in front of him.

So here's what you can expect when you quit:

What happens when you quit smoking
(Source: Cleveland Clinic)

After 20 minutes
You stop polluting the air
Your blood pressure and pulse decrease
The temperature of your hands and feet increases

After 8 hours
The carbon monoxide level in your blood returns to normal
Oxygen levels in your blood increase

After 24 hours
Your risk of heart attack decreases

After 48 hours
Nerve endings adjust to the absence of nicotine
Your ability to taste and smell begins to return

After 2 weeks to 3 months
Your circulation improves
Your exercise tolerance improves

After 1 to 9 months
Coughing, sinus congestion, fatigue, and shortness of breath decrease
Your overall energy level increases

After 1 year
Your risk of heart disease decreases to half that of a current smoker

After 5 to 15 years
Your risk of stroke is reduced to that of people who have never smoked

After 10 years
Your risk of dying from lung cancer drops to almost the same rate as a lifelong NON-smoker.
You decrease the incidence of other cancers – of the mouth, larynx, esophagus, bladder, kidney and pancreas

After 15 years
Your risk of heart disease is reduced to that of people who have never smoked

The undercutter

Been working on the resentment list. I think I've gotten all I can think of down on paper. It's interesting, because now when I get upset I tend to think about why I'm getting resentful, and if it's worth my energy to do so.

There's a woman at work who is really smart and good at what she does, and her input is always well thought out, but I hate it. She always seems to have better questions for the boss than I do, and sometimes takes my ideas and expands on them in a way where they sound like her ideas. She usually apologizes or asks if I'm ok with what she's said, but I feel like she's undercutting me. So what's this resentment?

I always worry I'm not smart enough. I think I'm not really a capable person (though this has been disproved many times), and so I worry when others are smarter than I am in some area of my life. It makes me nervous that they're exposing me for the fool. It's the exposure of my soft underbelly.

How do I deal with these feelings? I hide and don't work. I try to ignore work instead. I always get my projects done, and usually early, but I spend as much time as I can avoiding the potential to look like an idiot.

So what can I do about it? What's the character defect I have to work on? Besides my anxiety and low self-esteem, I need to work on not projecting my issues onto other people. I need to learn that being vulnerable is sometimes ok. So I'll ask God to help me with these things, and hope that I can learn to be a stronger person and a better worker.

Nerves

I'm not ready for bed just yet, even though I sleep a lot and am usually winding down about now. I'm really wound up about this interview on Thursday. I had a dream that I was doing the interview and they asked me if I would take the job, so now that I do have an interview, I'm nervous that I'll get the job.

It means so much change! Change I'm looking forward to, but change nonetheless. Packing, moving, unpacking. The little things are the things I like to do. I enjoy getting projects done like changing my address and renting a truck. But it means so much more than that.

If I get this job, I could be home this month. I could be back home with my family. It would mean changing my lifestyle a bit, because I would have people I need to pay more attention to. I could have lunch with my step-grandmother instead of calling her once a month. I could start going to church with my dad again. My mom and I can go grocery shopping (we both love the grocery store). I can go to meetings with Adam. I can have lunch with my best friend and get to know her baby. I can get closer to all my cousins again.

I'm really looking forward to it all, but it's still really nerve wracking. Am I making the right choice? I suppose God is in charge here, and if I'm meant to go home, then I'll hear about it on Thursday.

Another interview

So I have another interview with this company. It'll be interview number 4. I can't believe they're taking so long! I just want to know: yes or no. I feel like I'm waiting for the starting gun. I either need to start packing, or I need to start looking hard for another opportunity. I understand why they need to meet with me again, this time it would be with my boss and her boss. I get it.

On my computer at home I have the windows for the apartment I'm looking at, the post office's moving program, and the Penske truck. I'm just waiting. I'm so nervous. I really hope I get this position. I want to be out of here, soon.

UPDATE: The HR guy and I just set a time for us to meet on Thursday. He said, "It's down to the wire, Anne. I hope next time I talk to you I'll be saying welcome to the company!" I have a fan. I really hope he's right, and they tell me on Thursday. Then I can get this show on the way to the road!

Drugs hurt your arteries

All sorts of fun death can be associated with amphetamine use. And amphetamines aren't just the commonly abused ones like meth, but also Adderall and Ritalin.

They've found "a link between aortic dissection and amphetamine abuse," and "a relationship between a diagnosis of amphetamine abuse and heart attack," and that "Increasing rates of amphetamine and cocaine usage by young adults significantly boost their risk of stroke, with amphetamine abuse associated with the greatest risk."

Basically, heavy use of amphetamines can kill you. Duh. I know they can be a lot of fun, but that pounding in your heart can cause tears in your arteries and the possibility of heart attack and stroke, even in young people. I always worried I was going to have a heart attack after taking 7 pills of Adderall. That was the most I ever took at one time, and it was for a bachelorette party.

I arrived on Friday night, late, and slept on the couch. We got up in the morning and headed out for a long day of spa and food, and then off to a club where we had a private room. I was popping Adderall all day long just to stay awake, and plus it makes you feel less drunk no matter how much you drink. I was in school at the time for a certificate, and I had to be back Sunday morning at 9 to take an exam. I popped more pills all through the night, and stayed up till I got on the plane. I made it back, took the test (and barely passed), and then went home and crashed for 13 hours.

I love Adderall. Giving my supply away was harder than giving up my wine, and that was tough. I really wanted to keep it. Sober is different from clean, and I was only promising AA that I'd be sober, right? I didn't have a problem with drugs, so I could still take them. Only I bought them in Mexico and smuggled them over the border. They weren't my prescription, and I wasn't supposed to be taking them with my drugs. And I was taking them so I could get drunker. I was abusing drugs. Oops. So I gave them up, too. Now, I've been sober and clean for 95 days. Let's hope for more.

Approved for all ages

There's a lovely girl in my womens meeting that joined AA when she was 16. She's got 8 years sober.

My sponsor just met a woman who is 84. She has one year sober.

It's never too late or too early to realize you have a problem with drinking, and work on solving it. You can be early in your career before you've lost everything, or you can be someone's grandma, just realizing that she has a problem, or just now willing to do something about it.

The nice part is, there are women in this program (and men) from all over the spectrum of age, race, religion, creed, whatever. Wherever you look, if you look, there's someone you can relate to on those levels, and always you can relate to people's stories. Sharing is the most important part of AA, because it brings people together and gives hope. One can see that there are others just like you, and they have found that happy place the promises suggest. They may still have a rocky time now and again, but just like life, AA isn't perfect.

Moderate drinking leads to long life?

An interesting new study has this to say:
"abstaining from alcohol does actually tend to increase one's risk of dying even when you exclude former drinkers. The most shocking part? Abstainers' mortality rates are higher than those of heavy drinkers."

Even when they took out those of us in AA and tried to remove the other variables like socio-economic status, they still came out with the same results: drinkers live longer. Of course, moderate drinkers live the longest, and the rate of mortality between heavy users and non users isn't too far apart. Like 8%.

If only we could all be moderate drinkers.

All you have to change...

All you have to change is everything about your life. Memory plays a huge effect on relapse, and when you put yourself in situations where you can be triggered, you will be more likely to relapse.

"Many brain imaging studies, using positron emission tomography, show that cues like viewing drug paraphernalia are enough by themselves to activate memory circuits and unleash drug craving. Where you are and what you are doing when you use a drug like cocaine is inextricably linked with the high. And these associations are stored not just in your conscious memory, but also in memory circuits outside your awareness.

This kind of pathologic learning lies at the heart of compulsive drug use. Long after someone has apparently kicked the habit, long after withdrawal symptoms subside, the individual is vulnerable to these deeply encoded unconscious associations that can set off a craving, seemingly out of the blue."

That's why AA asks you to get away from the old habits, the old haunts. It makes it easier to not crave your drug of choice when you're not in the same old positions. It's easy for things like don't go to a bar, but what about the regular memories? What about having a glass of wine with dinner? You're not going to skip dinner, right? I think in situations like that you can do little things: change your seat at the table. What worked for me for the first week was to put Snapple in a wine glass. I felt like I was indulging, and it helped me move on to doing something different. It gave me the memory of Snapple instead of wine, and makes me laugh now instead of crave.

And that's why they tell you you may have to lose your friends. A lot of us built relationships around booze. Luckily, I haven't had that problem. It seems like I've had solid friendships all along. But some don't have this luxury. So all you have to change is everything.

I like my crazy sometimes

Sometimes I just love the secrets on PostSecret. It's a great blog.

I felt a serious sense of relief when I was diagnosed. It made so much sense. I knew then that not being a normal kid was just part of being me. I made peace with the fact that I was just going to be weird, and kind of embraced it. I let my mind be as creative as it was going to be, and didn't censor my thoughts just because I was "different." I wasn't different. I was still going through all the things other kids went through, I was just going through them with a different perspective.

That's all I really think mental illness is: perspective changer. It gives you insight into yourself because of the self-reflectiveness of both mania and depression. Sure, sometimes those reflections are skewed by self-hatred or grandiosity, but in our sometimes they help us accomplish the things we should be accomplishing. I mean, how many times have you been manic and created amazing art (written, painted, whatever)? How many times have you written amazing poetry while depressed? There's a good reason many of the world's best writers and artists were diagnosed mentally ill. It really is a thing that can get us in touch with deeper parts of our soul.

Not that others can't - not saying that. Just saying it might be easier for us "sensitive" folks. We read the world looking for those slight cues to how to be normal or look for what normal is, and find the truth to human existence. I think we're better off, but only better off while medicated or have the disease under control. It's still a disease capable of taking you out and you have to be careful with it. But in those periods of up or down, just search for beauty.

Just let it go

I am having so much trouble turning my will and my life over, yet I'm not. I know this job thing is something that He's going to take care of in his own way and time, but I'm so impatient! I just want to know now, whether that's a yes or a no. I don't want to waste more time sitting here if I could be packing, renting an apartment, or even transferring my mail. There's so much to do when you move, especially when you move cross-country, and I'm a planner. You can't really plan when you don't know the plan.

And I think that's the point of step three. Turn your will and your life over to the care of God: stop planning so much. Sure, everyone needs to know their next three steps in order to do the things they need to do, but let God tell you the ultimate destination. It's all in His hands, anyway. Best laid plans, and such.

So I'm trying to make a concerted effort to keep saying, "God? You know I want this, but I'll wait for you to tell me one way or another. Please don't take too long." Why? Because no matter what, I'm still impatient. Character defect #1.

Be the best Big Book

Today's meeting focused on the 12th step: bringing AA to others through our life practices (you know the real version).

Adam always tells me, "You may be the only Big Book someone sees." The 12th step is probably the most important step, because it is what shows other practicing alcoholics that there is a way out of that life, should they want it, and it's better over here. Maybe not greener, sometimes, but the grass is better tended on this side of the fence. It's part of the "attraction rather than promotion" part of AA, as well. Being a good person with a spiritual life gives you the opportunity to be there in the life of other people.

I'd seen AA before. I'd been with others before. But when I realized I had a problem, all Adam had to say to me is, "You know what to do." And I did. I'd seen the dramatic change in him over the past 5 years, and seen what AA had brought into his life. He is by no means perfect, and spent some of that time being a little too much of a Big Book, but he's been the best example for me.

And now I look for women in the program who have the kind of spiritual life that I want, and I ask them about themselves and their journeys. I've met some amazing women, and all of them have a piece of what I need to make myself complete. I'm gaining in knowledge and serenity everyday, and for that I am grateful.