We're at the mall!

I hate the mall. They all look alike, and I totally get disoriented in them. I come out of a store and think I was coming from the left, when I was really coming from the right. I can't stand the pushy people and the tightly packed stores. I hate parking in the lot three miles away from the entrance. I just hate shopping.

My friend Amanda and I went shopping today. We headed over to the suburbs (where it's hot as hell) and went to the gigantic mall. It had everything that malls always have, except the Orange Julius store, which was sad. But I did find a cute sweater.

And you know what? I didn't have to be driven crazy by all the things I hate about shopping. I've become, already, a calmer person, letting the things that used to drive me nuts just go. We checked out all the fashion insanity in the big box stores, and even saw the beginning of the American Mall Model competition. Awesomely trashy. Ok, so I might be calmer, but I still am judgey. I guess that character defect will be slow to go.

I feel better this weekend. I'm not as crazy as I've been lately. It feels like everything is going to be ok. I have some anxiety still, but nothing like before. I don't even feel the need to get another tattoo right now. I feel good. Huh. Feel. I feel optimistic.

Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Serenity is what I'm looking for. That acceptance of things as they are: living in the present and not the future. There are many things one can't change. You can't change the state of the world. You can't change the way the sun moves across the sky. You can't change other people or their reactions to situations. You can influence only yourself and your own reactions - sometimes you can't even control that.

Courage. God grant me the courage to get through every day and to surrender to this program with all my might.

Ah, the wisdom to know the difference. Again, control. It's time for me to give up control. Controlling my own life obviously wasn't working for me, now was it? So it's time to let something else have it.

Meeting anxiety

They say when you don't want to go to a meeting that's when you need one the most. There's a great meeting tonight with a speaker who speaks the whole time. You get to hear a lot of someone's story, and their wisdom. A lot of people really have great wisdom to share. I like hearing about how others have picked themselves up and found a program that gives them a path in life which is so different from their original path.

Amanda just texted to ask if I would like to go to dinner with the girls beforehand. My first instinct was to say no; it's not like I'm doing anything here, I just am anti-social. But I said yes. So I'm off to hamburgers with the ladies of AA and then on to the Friday night meeting.

Sometimes I just get anxious about this kind of stuff. What am I going to talk about? Can I just sit and listen without anyone thinking I'm awkward? Am I awkward? Usually after a few drinks I'm a lot of fun and can always think of something entertaining to talk about. Now, I wait for those silences. I'm just going to have to develop the confidence that I always lacked in these situations.

A lot of folks have said how shy they actually are, and how anti-social, and that they began using alcohol as a cure for that. I think that's right on target.

So off I go to sober dinner!

So what does alcohol do to the body?

"Alcohol damages almost every organ in the body, including the brain; because of the cumulative toxic effects of chronic alcohol abuse, the alcoholic risks suffering a range of medical and psychiatric disorders."

"The alcoholic woman is more sensitive to alcohol's deleterious physical, cerebral, and mental effects...." Well, great.

"Long term misuse of alcohol can cause a wide range of mental health problems. Severe cognitive problems are not uncommon; approximately 10 percent of all dementia cases are related to alcohol consumption, making it the second leading cause of dementia." My mom keeps telling me I've probably done some damage to my brain, considering the blackouts and such, and my alcohol abuse over a long period of time. Now I have to worry about dementia? I already have enough worries, for crying out loud.

"Psychiatric symptoms usually initially worsen during alcohol withdrawal, but typically improve or disappear with continued abstinence." So this is what's happening with me. My psychiatric symptoms have been on the rampage since I quit drinking, and I've had another person tell me this as well. My doc's both think I need to be watched more closely, because meds often change when you're detoxing.

I wonder if it's made the bipolar worse. It certainly doesn't help, I'm sure.

"Alcoholic lung disease is disease of the lungs caused by excessive alcohol consumption. Chronic alcohol ingestion impairs multiple critical cellular functions in the lung. These cellular impairments lead to increased susceptibility to serious complications from lung disease. Recent research cites alcoholic lung disease as comparable to liver disease in alcohol related mortality.[1] Alcoholics have a higher risk of developing acute respiratory distress syndrome (ARDS) and experience higher rates of mortality from ARDS when compared to non-alcoholics." So, great. Not only have I fucked up my lungs by smoking, my alcoholism has also done a number on my lungs.

All links from Wikipedia.

Keep those defects, for now

"Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know". Pema Chodron

We humbly ask God to remove our character defects. They are removed whenever He wants them to be, in the order He chooses. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

I really like this quote, and I think it really applies to the steps. We have to remember that we're living on God's terms now, not according to our own will and wants. We may discover our character defects and want them gone now! We might think we can remove them by acting in different manners (which is the right step - do the next right thing), but only God can remove them from our core character.

And they stick around for a reason - often to teach us a lesson in humility. Who among us wants to keep all of their defects? I know so many of them were useful at one time, but aren't anymore, and continue to beat us down. We learn to humble ourselves before God and ask for forgiveness, acceptance, and love.

Sometimes I annoy myself with all the God talk, but it seems really important to have a spiritual program. Mine just happens to be God with a capital G. It's what I know.

That wolf inside

Going it alone in spiritual matters is dangerous. - 12&12, Step 5

Going alone into your dark, deep recesses of the mind is always a dangerous thing. That's why God invented therapists. Sometimes you have to reach in there and grab out the scary stuff and wrestle with it, but you can always take it to other people.

Again, like when Atrayu faces the wolf, he has to take that first step alone and face what he doesn't want to face (like step four). My mom used to always send me out of the room on some errand when this part came on, so it was years before I knew the wolf scene was in the movie. It still scares me! The deep dark places in your mind are frightening.

And that's why we bring everything back to a place of safety. We go in with God on our sides, and come out sharing the experience with others in order to make sense of it all. I think I'll like this step. It'll be hard during step four to find the places where I'm "defective," but nice to get that burden off of my shoulders.

Someone mentioned they did their fifth step with a man on the bus. I think that's hilarious. You will never see that person again, and so it's easier to admit your defects. I think mine will have to be in therapy or even with my sponsor. I need to get a little more comfortable with her first.

It's not that I don't like her, it's just that she's not around a lot. She's hard to pin down, but she's only human. It'll just take me some time to trust her enough with my emotions. But she's got what I want - she's still working her program hard, and comes to troubles only to work them through with the help of others. I want to have that kind of program.

All alone in a big world

"Almost without exception, alcoholics are troubled by loneliness....There was always that mysterious boundary we could not surmount or understand." 12&12 Step 5

Ever feel lonely in a crowded room, surrounded by people you know and love? Sometimes it's really hard to get close to people - to open up. I know a lot of the time people accuse me of being too honest, but I never really share my inner self with a lot of people. There are only one or two people who really know me - really know me - inside and out.

And that's something I need to change. Step 5 is admitting to yourself, HP, and another person your character defects. I'm not there yet, but it's good to think that someone besides my therapist and you people will know my innermost thoughts about myself, and my true character defects.

Words of wisdom

So my sponsor is on vacation, but I emailed her earlier in the week saying my quitting smoking plan failed miserably. She had some great words of wisdom: "One of the suggestions in AA is do not make any major changes in the first year....i think quitting smoking is one of those items. Give yourself a chance to be sober and feel all that comes with that before you add that to the mix. Trust me - i tried to do it as well.....AHHHH!!! When you are ready you will do it."

She's right. Part of not changing anything in your first year is not changing anything - including the parts that are bad for you. I don't need to make any more changes. This year has already been a really full year for changes and adventures, and I need to lay low and not stress myself any more than I have to.

Happy, joyous, and free

A.A. groups exist to help alcoholics achieve sobriety. ...has but one reason for being: to carry the message to the still-suffering alcoholic. The group exists so that the alcoholic can find a new way of life, a life abundant in happiness, joy, and freedom. To recover, most alcoholics need the support of a group of other alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope. Thus my sobriety, and our program’s survival, depend on my determination to put first things first. Daily Reflections, July 28

I know I sure as hell couldn't do it without the meetings. I make sure to hit one every day, sometimes two. I need that fellowship of other members to remind me why I'm there: I want what they have.

And what do they have? People always say, happy, joyous, and free. I don't think I see that, yet, in the people around me, but I do see the freedom from alcohol and the happiness that comes with leading a life of caring and giving back. I want to be a better, happier person. Someone comfortable in my own skin. Someone who can rely on a higher power to show them the way. I think that's what they have, and what I want.

Alcoholic?

Sometimes I don't feel qualified to call myself an alcoholic.

There are people in the rooms who were so much more fucked up than I was. They had DUI's, jail time, went to rehab multiple times, lived on the streets, got kicked out of the Armed Services, resorted to prostitution, etc., etc. I never had any of those experiences.

I can only begin to relate to that.

I'm just a drunk who texts people at 3am and blacks out. I'm just a drunk driver who never got caught. I just resorted to getting paid in drugs. I just skimmed by barely missing all those options. If I hadn't been living with a man when I lost my job, I may have ended up on the streets at the bottom of a bottle, but I didn't.

So am I even worthy to sit with these people and complain about my "what ifs?" They've had real problems stemming from their alcohol use. Mine have been moderate, but still unmanageable to me. I was powerless over the obsession, and my life had become unmanageable, according to my standards of living. So yeah, I'm an alcoholic, and yes, I'm going to keep coming back.

Addict?

Although it's Alcoholics Anonymous, and not Narcotics Anonymous, a lot of people introduce themselves as an alcoholic and an addict. I was thinking about it the other day, should I introduce myself that way? Can it be true that I'm an addict as well?

I think when I was 18 NA would have been the way to go. I was definitely an addict then. I would smoke or snort anything I could get my hands on. Thank God I never turned to shooting up, but I've done every drug that was available up until 1998. If it was there, I probably did it. And like booze, I always overdid it. I couldn't stop with one joint, or one line. I had to have as many as I could before it was time to go, wherever I was going.

My mom always told me that if I smoked pot she would know. So I came home one time super stoned and looked her right in the face to say good night. She said good night back, and I went upstairs to my room, giggling to myself. "She has no clue," I thought, and she didn't. Of course, she was so far into her own brain at the time that I think if I came home with a third eye she wouldn't have noticed.

During my drinking career I stopped smoking pot. I just didn't like it anymore. But man did I love coke and other people's prescription drugs. Emily would give me her Adderall, which is like legal coke, and I would stay up for days. When Michael went to Mexico for a bachelor party he got me some of my own, and I think took it whenever I felt like I just needed a boost. Plus, you can't really get drunk while taking it.

So am I an addict? I think I'm addicted to any substance I can get my hands on, including drugs, booze, food, cigarettes, diet Coke, running, etc. But I feel like I can barely call myself an alcoholic. I never had the experiences some have had. See next post....

What is sobriety?

So, I haven't had a drink in 64 days, which means I'm sober from alcohol and drugs, but what is sobriety?

Being sober means to be not addicted to intoxicating substances, which we're all alcoholics here, so we can't say we're not addicted, but we can be cured of the obsession if God (HP) wills it. But what about the other sobriety talked about in the rooms? The emotional sobriety?

"Those adolescent urges that so many of us have for top approval, perfect security, and perfect romance -- urges quite appropriate to age seventeen -- prove to be an impossible way of life when we are at age forty-seven or fifty-seven....How shall our unconscious -- from which so many of our fears, compulsions and phony aspirations still stream -- be brought into line with what we actually believe, know and want!" Bill W.

What do I actually believe, know, and want? Well, I can honestly say I have no idea. What do I believe, know, and want for myself and for those around me? Safety, security, love. What can I give? Well, I can give of myself and try to make the world around me a kinder, gentler place for those in it, but does that lead me to emotional sobriety? I think this is going to have to be brought up in a meeting soon. It'll be my topic when I have to speak soon.

At our meetings they encourage people on their fourth step to talk at a meeting. The other day, a man in my home group asked me if I'd speak at a meeting he's chairing in the future. He didn't say when, but my sponsor told me you never say no to a request in AA. So we'll see what happens.

Love is a beautiful thing

Sometimes my great ideas aren't so great. I forgot that West Side Story was actually kind of depressing. It is Romeo and Juliet, after all, except that she doesn't die in the end. It is a great love story, though, and shot with an amazing eye for beauty.

It makes me think of love. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I love love. Love is that beautiful thing that makes life worth living. Sometimes love is unrequited, and that's the worst feeling in the world, but sometimes love is the uplifting breeze that swings into your life and raises your hopes sky high.

It's one feeling I've always been able to feel, at least, I thought. I was in and out of relationships, and overused the L word. There have only been two people I think I've ever really loved; I mean truly loved with all my heart.

The first was my first love, my first real boyfriend. We were in love, we were 15, and we didn't know any better. He eventually broke my heart, but he was in town not long ago, and we had a great time together. It's nice to grow up and still love someone, but for who they are now, and still be able to put aside that piece of you that's still a bit wounded.

The other person you all know about. It's a little complicated, and I've been thinking about it lately. Do I love him? How do I know? And do we know each other anymore? We've been separated by miles for years now, and both of our lives have gone on. We talk everyday, and share our lives through words. I think we still know each other inside and out, even if we barely scratch the surface of what's going on in our day to day. I think we are still the same people, and that love will always be there. What's to come of it, who knows.

We never wanted to break up. We were madly in love. I mean madly. I was head over heels for him, even after two years together. But alcohol drove us apart. That demon got in between us, and forced me to make a choice: his health, or me. He had to choose AA. There was nothing I could do about it. And I continued to drink anyway, even though it was the catalyst for our breakup.

And now I'm sober, and so is he. People have asked if I did it for him, and I can honestly say no. I did call him when I decided to quit, but you always call your best friend when making life decisions. I think even if I had continued to drink, we would have found our way back to each other.

It's been 5 years, and our friendship is stronger than ever. Let's hope that we can overcome the odds and the miles between us. Someday, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday.

Happy talk

Happy talk, keep talking happy talk...

So I was talking to my dad the other night, and besides saying, "Get over it," to my complaints about feeling down, he suggested something else: show tune therapy.

"No one is upset while singing show tunes!" he said. And it's true! How can you be sad singing a show tune? And there's one for everything. Break up with someone? How about Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair from South Pacific? Feel like getting in a fight? How about something from West Side Story? Or can't get that man to commit? Try Guys and Dolls! There's a show tune for just about anything.

I think this week is going to be show tune week. I've got almost every 1960s musical at home, and it's time to watch them again.

Together in our struggles

I shared today in the meeting that I'm bipolar and was having trouble with the feelings I've been feeling, and how God hasn't quite taken away that obsession with alcohol. Alcohol is such a nice depressant, taking away those highs and leveling me out. But I have to remember, I wasn't just using when I was high, I was digging myself into a hole, not filling it.

A newcomer came up to me after the meeting and thanked me for sharing that. It was his second meeting, and he was feeling alone because he didn't know anyone else was bipolar. We talked about the specific struggles one has when feeling these emotions, but being higher or lower than normal folks. I think it helped him to know he wasn't alone.

And if I can be any help to anyone else going through this, know you are not alone. We're in it together, and we can help each other succeed.

What is God?

I grew up Catholic, going to mass every day at Catholic school, in my little plaid jumper and red bow tie. They made you pull your socks up to your knees, too, or you got in trouble.

My God was a loving God, shown through the priests, nuns, and teachers who cared for us and showed us kindnesses. He was omnipresent and actually cared about little old me.

I eventually began to question God and his motives. He didn't like gay people, eh? He would punish you if you messed up, right? Well, how was he a good and loving God, then? And then I realized years later, that's the church, not my God. My God is still a loving being, even to those who mess up or don't fit with the church's idea of "moral."

I went to confession last year, and confessed everything. I mean everything. All of the bad things I've ever done, even the things that went against the church's teachings. And you know what? An incredible burden was lifted from me. And the priest even forgave me! He didn't hold my "sins" against me, or tell me to leave his church. He was the personification of God on earth, and gave me my life back.

So who is this God of AA? I believe He's still my God. He can be anything you want Him to be, but to me, He's the God of my childhood. I know He's been doing for me what I couldn't do for myself all along. I believe that He will continue to look out for me, and if I ask Him again, He will remove my shortcomings and lift that burden from my heart.

We are not saints

I really like that, in How It Works: No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints.... We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

I thought I was a saint as a kid. I thought I did everything right. I was always striving for perfection. Oh to be perfect! Then everything would be right with the world. But perfection isn't something we can even strive for - it's not achievable. No one will ever be "perfect." There are a million different interpretations of what that is, and yours is definitely different from mine. We all can attempt to be the best people we can be, and with God's help I will strive for goodness and Godliness in all that I do.

But I'm no saint. I'm going to mess up; that's just how life is. I'm going to have my bad days where I develop resentments against the people who don't use their blinkers when they're turning (I HATE that!). I'm going to get mad at the people I love, and worry things to death. I'm not perfect.

The point is, I'm willing to grow along spiritual lines. I'm willing to take this program and apply it to my life. I have the willingness.

And that's step three.

Sex and candy

Oh, sex. How I miss you so.

One of those things I did to take away my feelings of loneliness, and to punish myself for being a fuck-up, was to have sex with people I wouldn't have had I been sober. Well, that's not true. A lot of those times I was manic as well. See, mania also takes away your inhibitions and gives you a wild sexual energy.

I was talking to Adam when he was here, and I realized something: I've never had sober sex before. My first time, I was high on pot. I did a lot of drugs in every relationship I had in high school, and slept with my best friend (even though I didn't want to), because he was my dealer, too. That happened a lot in high school. Remember, my policy was never to pay for drugs, so I got into relationships with dealers.

During and after college, I only slept with other alcoholics. I hung out at bars and picked up drunk one night stands. I got into a few relationships and even moved in with alcoholics. I've never had sober sex. Not that I can remember.

Towards the end of my drinking, I was blacking out during sex, and was always sure that I had passed out. I asked my ex the other day, and he said no, I never passed out, I was still doing it. Awesome. I've had blackout sex, too.

So now (well, next year), I'll be able to see if I can do it. I've been told I'm good in bed, but I'm sure that had something to do with how drunk I was. I'm not sure I'm any good if I'm feeling nervous. Hopefully it will be a safe place with someone I love. Where I can mess up and laugh at myself.

Gaping wounds

Tonight I heard a great speaker talk about that hole inside. That big, gaping wound you try to fill with alcohol and drugs, but it doesn't help.

My early family life was good - as much as I remember it - but I always had that hole. That "nothing" inside that kept me from making and keeping real connections. I thought it was only me; that I was weird and no one else in the world felt that way.

When I went off to boarding school the hole grew. It became a wound in my heart. Like someone described it the other day, it's like in cartoons where one of the characters is shot by a cannon and it leaves a hole you can see through.

So I tried to fill that hole with drugs. I stocked up on ways to "cope" with that feeling. Then I turned to sex and alcohol, just compounding the problem.

And now, I have nothing to fill it with. The hole hasn't gone away, it's just more present now that I have nothing to hide it from myself. So what do I fill it with? God, you say? I'm not quite there yet. I invite him into my life to take over, but my heart is still curiously suspicious of all I'm doing. Will it last or will this, too, disappear? Can I just use the program to plug this hole for the time being? I think so. It'll have to do, for now.

莊周夢蝶

“I dreamed I was a butterfly, flitting around in the sky; then I awoke. Now I wonder: Am I a man who dreamt of being a butterfly, or am I a butterfly dreaming that I am a man?” -Zhuangzi

This is the tattoo I'm getting, except in Chinese it's only four characters, meaning Zhuangzi dreamt he was a butterfly. I learned this story in Taoism class in college, and had the teacher design the tattoo for me then. He checked the translation for me, so I know it's right. It looks like, 莊周夢蝶.

The story has a lot of meaning to me. Am I living in the present, or in a dream world? I tend to dream a lot, and sometimes have trouble distinguishing reality from my fantasy world. I love to live in day dreams, except when they're nightmares, of course.

I suppose through this program of AA I'll learn to be more in the present. I'm not sure how that's going to manifest itself in the future.

Dreams are nothing but dreams

Today was mental illness day at the meeting. A lot of people talked about how they also have mental illness, and that it makes it kinda hard for sobriety. A bunch are also on disability (lucky) so it helps that they don't have jobs to get fired from.

I told this story once, but I've been thinking about it. Did I get fired because I was manic and just told my boss to stuff it, or was I so unproductive because I was drunk all the time that she was ready to let me go? It was probably a nice combination of the two.

My last job, I felt like the world was against me, that everyone was conspiring to make me look bad. I know now that that was my own paranoia over certain situations, and that it was probably brought on by stress. Stress makes my crazy go crazy.

I'm looking at getting a tattoo tomorrow. Just something small - something to distract me from the other feelings. I just need something, and it can't be a drink. I feel like I need something that will tap down those emotions like a drink used to do. I can't stand feeling them anymore.

I had a dream last night that I lost it and had to be hospitalized. I just started cutting like mad and then called my therapist. She told me to meet her at the hospital, but I couldn't drive, so I called Michael and told him to come get my dog while I was waiting for the ambulance. He came and said he would drive me to the hospital and then said, "Oh my God, look at your arms!" I looked, and started screaming, "Look at my arms!" When we got to the hospital I threw myself out in front of a car on the way across the street but didn't do any damage. We went inside and I started having a panic attack and screaming. They shot me full of Ativan and stitched me up. Then I ended up in treatment for a week, shouting and panicking the whole time till they had to give me ECT.

It was a crazy dream, and I woke up feeling shaky. I almost took the day off and called my therapist for an emergency meeting, but I had a conference call this morning that I couldn't miss. So instead, I made a meeting, and they talked about feeling mental illness. Sometimes God gives you just what you need.

Wave the white flag

"Surrender as much of yourself as you understand to as much of God as you understand."

That's a nice way to look at it. As much of myself as I understand. I sure as hell don't understand everything yet, or anything for that matter, except that I have an obsessive personality and I need help. If I can just surrender these two things now, I'll be on the path to sobriety.

Surrender: to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)

Surrender is the letting go of yourself over to your higher power and letting Him/She/It/Doorknob have control. You are not in control. I have to keep reminding myself of that. That no matter how I hold on to control and grasp with all my might, I'm not really in control of anything. It doesn't matter how hard I hold on, I'm already not in control, so I just need to let go and trust.

Using crutches to get you through

"Their greatest initial difficulty tended to be the absence of a crutch to help 'escape, hide or get momentary relief from painful situations, troubles and feelings.' Instead of masking emotions with alcohol, the masters eventually learned to recognize what they were feeling, and to allow themselves to experience it and express it in a healthier way.

According to the Times: 'Quite a few of the masters found that when alcohol no longer served as an emotional mask, they needed professional treatment for depression, anxiety or relationship issues that might have fed their drinking problems.'" Treating Substance Abuse

I think this is my problem right now. There's no crutch for me to lean on in times of stress, except smoking and eating. When you take away all the crutches, especially at once and before you learn new techniques to handle those new emotions, it can be almost devastating. My goal in the next few months is to learn how to deal with these new emotions popping up.

Love is dangerous

"It seems that love is comparable to a drug addiction: It activates the parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings, according to new research from Stony Brook University.

Researchers were able to show a connection between romantic rejection and a cocaine craving..." Thanks to Bill, What...Me Sober?

No wonder you shouldn't be in a relationship for a year. I mean, I know love makes you obsessive and breakups make you horribly depressed, but there is actually a chemical reason for it. Those AA'ers are smart.

Another nothing post

Ok, so sleeping isn't working. I am still sitting here, Googling random stuff just to try to keep my mind on something other than the nothing that is sitting in my brain.

What is the nothing?

I love that movie. I've said it before, I feel like the nothing is that part of depression that just takes over your self and makes everything disappear. The only way to save your world is to confront your fears, like Atrayu does in the end. Eventually, he saves the world from the crippling nothing.

That's how my emotions are right now - nothing, but something deep down. I know they're there, just waiting to bust to the surface in some fashion or another. So how does this relate to sobriety? Well, you can't save yourself without some help. Atrayu had his buddies to help him. I have God and the fellowship of AA, and pharmaceuticals. That's a lot of help!

Sweet hot showers

There's nothing like a hot shower to cure everything. When I stand under the hot water, or sit on the floor of the shower, the world is better. I've always used the shower as a sort of meditation place. I can be calm there. If only I could stay there longer, but I end up feeling guilty for using so much water when my state is in a drought.

I feel better now. Still no call back from the therapist, but she probably has clients all night. Most people go after work, after all. I think I'm going to try and sit here and remain peaceful. Just pet the dog and not think. Then maybe I'll put on my iPod and hit the sack. I know it's early, but sometimes sleep is all that helps.

Trying to work it all out

"People who self-injure are also prone to abuse alcohol and drugs. One way of thinking is that they do this to 'self-medicate' their bipolar symptoms – but like drugs and alcohol, self-injury only provides a 'quick fix.'" Bipolar Central

Cutting feels like a release. It releases built up tension and feelings - feelings you can't otherwise express. I've been a bit numb this week. I don't know what it is, but it's like my brain was feeling too many feelings after not feeling them in forever, and I just couldn't handle it. Now I don't feel anything.

Quitting drinking and cigarettes relieved me of all my coping mechanisms and seems to have exacerbated my bipolar symptoms. I know the feelings are there somewhere.

I went and bought a pack of cigarettes. I'm trying to limit myself to only smoking when I'm home, which isn't that many hours out of the day. It may seem like it by how many posts I write, but it's only a few hours.

I called my therapist, but haven't heard back yet. I am thinking of taking the Seroquel and just going to bed, but it just makes me feel awful in the mornings, and I fall asleep at work. I don't need to be any less productive than I already am at work.

I'm glad I have this blog to help me "think out loud." It's much better than just sitting here with my thoughts.

Tattoos and pain

I just realized something - I get tattoos instead of cut.

I've been really yearning for a tattoo lately. I was supposed to get one last month, but my dog got sick and I had to spend the money at the vet. My next one is scheduled for August 22, and I was thinking today that I can't wait that long. There's a tattoo parlor next door to my work, and I was thinking of just getting something small - something to tide me over until I get the next installment in my back piece.

I have 6 tattoos, and I've been tattooed more 10 times (some of them took a couple sessions). I'm working on a full back piece that will take up one whole side of my back. I love tattoos. I think they're beautiful and sexy. But I use them, too. I use them to get over my urge for pain and blood. I satisfy that deep urge by getting art put on my body. I love the pain that comes with it. I once sat for a tattoo for four hours. I could have gone longer, but my butt hurt just sitting there, and he was tired.

So I suppose I have been "cutting" all along. I've just been having someone else do it!

Hurts so good

Ok, don't freak out. I just had to do it. I didn't draw any blood - paperclips can't really hurt you - but I just had to scratch that itch. I just scratched myself, and the adrenaline is making me feel better already. It's just three little lines on my arm. They're not really even red or irritated.

I haven't cut in 7 years. Or 6. Something along those lines. I've gotten "accidental" bruises and cuts in the years in between, but nothing blatant. I'm going to smoke a cigarette when I get home and hope it takes the urge away. I purposefully have nothing sharp in my house (you should see me trying to saw through bread. I can't cut meat at my house cause all my knives are dull). I'm still afraid of razor blades because of the damage I did last time. I don't even like the disposable ones, but I can't stand the armpit hair more.

So I'm going to go home and call someone. Maybe my therapist. I don't know what she'll do. I mean, I didn't really do anything big, and I don't want to kill myself at all. I have no plan or anything. I'm fine in that regard - I'm just anxious and acting out. Maybe I'll call her now....

Addictions galore

Seriously, what the hell else can I be addicted to? I already have a food addiction (which I manage with Weight Watchers, but I'm doing a shitty job right now - I just had a packet of M&M's), I'm addicted to smoking (quitting isn't going so well....), I'm an alcoholic (thank God that's going well, though I have an urge today), and I think I'm addicted to feeling bad about myself (which being bipolar doesn't help)!

I'm hoping that as I turn my will and life over to the care of God he can remove some of these obsessions from me. I really want the food one to go away, because I hated being fat. I'll take smoking over fat any day. And the alcohol obsession is mostly gone, except in times of stress. I think I'm over-stressing myself by trying to quit smoking right now. My doc said it was a stupid idea, and so did my sponsor. But here I go trying to control everything despite advice from others. Is God speaking through them or through friends like Michael who are trying to get me to quit? Who the hell knows. Even he said it might be a bad idea, but that I should just cut down.

I smoked a cigarette last night. I just couldn't take the withdrawal anymore, and it was just raising my anxiety level. I have enough mania and psychosis creeping in without another catalyst to it.

I'm feeling less manic - more tired - but still a little off. I've been thinking about cutting all day, and the urge is stronger than it's been in a long time. My doc keeps telling me we need to keep a close eye on it, because withdrawal can exacerbate the bipolar symptoms and I may need a med change pretty soon. If these thoughts and mania continue to next week, she wants me to call the psych doc.

I like mania. If it didn't have so many bad parts like the urges and the psychosis, I would love to be manic all the time. It's so nice having so much energy! But I know it doesn't last, and it just gets me in trouble. So maybe it's time for the Seroquel again to calm me down. I just hate that it makes me so sleepy and numb.

This post is one big ramble. Sorry.

Addiction is a bitch

"One sense of 'normal' is statistically normal: what everyone else does. The other is the sense we mean when we talk about the normal operating range of a piece of machinery: what works best." Paul Graham

He's really talking about our technology addiction, but I think it applies pretty well to our addiction to alcohol and drugs. It's hard to not do what everyone else does! All my friends drink, and they drink to have fun, and drink to get drunk, and drink to celebrate life. They drink all the time... but they stop at some point, and I never could. So my relationship with booze became unmanageable. Whenever it was around I was on it until I blacked out. And it was "normal" to drink that much, for me at least.

So now, what works best is not drinking, and that's going to be my new "normal." Boozing to the point of blackout never worked best, it just worked for the purposes of drowning my sorrows or dulling my emotions. Now I need to trust that this new normal will be the right path. I need to trust that this spiritual path is going to work; that I can become more spiritual and that God will help me stop drinking.

Keep coming back, it works if you work it. At least, that's what they keep telling me.

The process of turning it over

So what does it mean to turn your will and life over to the care of God, as you understand him? What are the practical aspects of that?

According to some, the way that manifests itself, besides trusting in God, is to attend more meetings, provide service, pray, and call your sponsor. I already attend about 2 meetings a day, so I've got that one covered. I have a service position with my home group on Sunday mornings. I try to call my sponsor but she's never around. And praying. Ahh, how to pray.

Everyday I read some sort of literature from AA. I try to read Daily Reflections and something from As Bill Sees It. Sometimes I forget, but I do talk to God daily. I ask for his protection for the ones I love, and pray that he'll look after me.

So is this really turning it over or is there another step to this? Don't I have to moment by moment say to God, "your will not mine?" And that's the super hard part. But how do you practice that in daily life? I'm sitting here at my desk getting stuff done, and my will is telling me that I'm tired and should go home. But what is God's will? Is he telling me to go home by making me super tired, or would he want me to stay and keep my job? Does God care if I quit smoking? Is it God's will that I go get a sandwich for lunch?

I suppose the little things aren't things you turn over, but it seems like if you're turning over your will and your life, it should be everything, not just the big stuff. We'll have to see how this manifests itself. This is going to get annoying, but "more will be revealed."

Made a decision

"The other two words that are important to understand are the words WILL and LIVES. The words "will" and "lives" are concepts way over our head and are way too large to relate to or comprehend. But these words can be better understood by explaining that our will is our thinking and what motivates us, and that our life is all the actions that we've taken up to this moment. So the Third Step can then be reworded as saying that I decide to take the actions necessary to turn my motivations, my thinking, and my actions over to the care of God as I understand Him." -Barefootsworld.net

I like looking up stuff, like how other people understand the steps. If it weren't almost midnight, I would probably call another alcoholic to see how they took step three. As a lot of literature says, it's not that we turned it over, it's that we made a decision to turn it over. You don't have to do it all at once, right this very moment.

So let's make this decision, Anne. Let's decide right now that you really don't have control, that something else does, and that maybe, just maybe, He can help. He can take control of our lives and the outcome of situations. Let this decision color your world.

Ok, God. You got it. I know I've made my life unmanageable; out of control. So I'm making a decision. It's your turn, now. You show me the way, and I'll take it. What's that you're saying? Go to bed and stop writing posts? Good idea.

Your will is strong, young Jedi

"Self-will is a form of fear, while willingness is a form of faith." Sane - Marya Hornbacher

self-will (slfwl)n.
Willfulness, especially in satisfying one's own desires or adhering to one's own opinions.

"I'm the piece of shit the world revolves around." Kristen

Self-will is pretty damn strong. Don't we all think the world revolves around us? You may not think you do, but look deep. We're all out to satisfy our own needs, and sometimes without regards to the needs of others.

I've always been an "other" focused person, worrying more about their needs than mine. At least I thought so. But I worry about me all the time. I worry about how my life is going to fall into place, and I worry about how I'm going to keep my sanity. I don't think that's self-will run riot, because it doesn't hurt others, but sometimes it hurts me, so that must be "riot."

I'm still not sure I can apply "self-will run riot" to my life, but as they say, more will be revealed.

One moment at a time

When I was 11 I offhandedly told my dad that when I was with my mom I was in control. I knew then that she was out of control. So I developed a way to control my surroundings in order to keep myself safe. I developed a way to control her, as well. I kept that control all my life and plotted out every moment before it happened. I have spreadsheets detailing the pros and cons of things, the steps I need to take (even the 12 steps), and my five year plan.

So step three has been pretty hard for me. I can accept that there is a power greater than myself. I can accept that he's in charge, and that I am His tool to make things happen. I know I am just a vessel.

But it's giving up that control that takes me some time. I've stopped trying to control my mom, and I feel peace in that relationship. When I was able to give up control of the outcome of Adam's visit, I felt incredible peace with the moment. I was able to just take it one day at a time.

So I need to do that with my sobriety. One day at a time, one moment at a time, I need to be able to give it up to God and stop trying to take control over everything. I need to recognize that having my own five year plan isn't feasible, because God has his own idea about how it's going to go. I have no control over the outcome of situations, I can just make sure I get into good situations by not drinking.

I know that things will work out the way they're supposed to.

They call to me

Wow, quitting smoking is harder than quitting drinking! The withdrawal symptoms are immediate. And I am so bored. I usually smoke to pass the time, and now I just have to keep looking at my watch. I'm waiting for therapy to start, and it's just taking forever without that 5 minute cigarette.

The lollipops are ok, I like them, but it's still not like a cigarette. And there's no nicotine in them. But I'm going to keep pushing forward. It's only temporary, I have to remember that. When I quit drinking the symptoms only lasted a week. I can get through a week just fine.

Day one down.

Whew

So I smoked it. My last cigarette. I bought some lolipops and Hall's, and I think I'm prepared for the week. Let's just see how I make it through one week, and by then, hopefully, I'll be ready for a second week. It's just like quitting booze - day by day, minute by minute.

I got my 60 day chip this morning! My home group was awesome, and they all cheered loudly when I got up. I got tons of hugs, too. 60 days is so much longer than I thought it would be! What's really cool is I went to another pool party today, and I didn't have to drink OR smoke. I could just sit there and be. They've all been bugging me about the amount of diet Coke I drink, but come on. I've got one vice left. I think that's going to have to be all the quitting I can do this year.

Now, to get over my irrational fears and hit the gym. Let's take up some good addictions! I need to get my running back under control. Since Adam was here I haven't been very good at running during the week. I suppose you just stop doing something for three weeks and you get out of the habit. Huh, like drinking and smoking.