Follow the yellow brick road

Do you ever wish you knew what your destiny was? Do you believe in destiny?

"Destiny may be seen either as a sequence of events that is inevitable and unchangeable, or that individuals choose their own destiny by choosing different paths throughout their life. In the sense of being unchangeable it is said that the different courses of action people take may still lead to a predetermined destiny."

Do you remember those old Choose Your Own Adventure books? My friend Rebecca just did a choose your own date where she had envelopes with different paths they could take. I believe in destiny. I believe that there is an end we all face, but that we just get to pick the path to it. For example, if I'm goug to get hit by a bus it doesn't matter if I turn left or right at an intersection: I'm still going to encounter that bus, but I have the choice of which way to turn.

Does that make sense? I know it's kind of fatalistic, but I think it can be a good thing, too. We could be destined for glory on the battlefield, for being the next Marie Curie or Einstein. Our destinies can lead us to a million different and interesting places.

But do you ever wonder what yours is? Is it your destiny to sit in that cubicle or office all day long and then go home too tired to do anything else? Is it your destiny to work for the paycheck at something that's just ok, but that you don't have a passion for? And if you could work in your passion, what would it be? Where would you go?

Questions, questions

You nknow, being unemployed gives you lots of time. Time to do nothing but watch all the seasons of your favorite show, time to watch bad movies with your family, time to eat Smarties and Kit Kats. But it also gives you time to think. Time to make plans.

My therapist and a good friend of mine say I should be using this time to find the real me, the essential Anne. I should be meditating or going to art shows, writing about my inner self and my wants and needs. Well, I have absolutely no idea where to start with that one. I have some wants, yeah, but so does everyone. It's ok to want. That's life. But is it reality?

I want to go back to school and get my masters. There's a program that would enhance my career, but it just looks so boring. There's a program that would stimulate my mind, but it wouldn't get me ahead in the world. It would just be going into debt for fun. Also, the other program would require me to move to the midwest. Nothing against the midwest, I just don't really have a yearning to live there.

I want mental stimulation. I'm sick of working and not being stimulated. I'm bored. I need something better. I have no idea what better looks like, though. I don't even know what would stimulate my brain. I suppose these are the things you find out when you look deep inside, but how do you even go about that? I have too many questions and no answers.

All about cars

I love my car. It's just a little golf cart of a thing. I call her Midge (for Midget), which is horribly politically incorrect, but apt. She's a bright shiny blue with tons of room on the inside, and neato little spaces for cups and stuff. I love her.

Adam is buying a new car and asked to borrow Midge for the week. I trust him, and I have no problem with him driving my car. It'll be harder for him to get a ticket because she doesn't go that fast (he drives a sports car). He sold his car tonight, and asked me over im if he could pick her up tonight. He and I talked yesterday about going tomorrow, so I wasn't expecting it today. I told him I would have to call my mom, and he got all pissy. "All she has to do is give me the freaking keys, right?" Well, yeah, but you're putting her out for a week. You're inconveniencing someone. Have a little more respect for others.

I don't know. Then when I told him it was all sorted out he didn't reply to my im. So I just signed off. Screw him. If he's going to be grumpy, he can be grumpy to someone else. I'm not in the mood for it.

I've been hiding anyway. I haven't been here, or on Facebook, or Twitter. I haven't really been picking up the phone. I've just been at the store and in my bed. I know, healthy. I need to get out tomorrow and do something. I was invited to a party but I canceled it in order to drive Adam to the dealership. And now we're not going. Yeah, rude.

Depression, depression, go away

Well, I made it to season 4 of my show. There are 2 more seasons left, one of which I don't have, and one I only have half of. Sad. I suppose by Friday I'll have to find something else to do with my days.

I was talking to the therapist, and we were talking about what great shape I've been in the past couple months: getting up at 8:30, getting dressed, job hunting, going to interviews, eating normal meals. And then suddenly I ran out of drugs, and I've been down in this hole ever since. I can't seem to sleep at all, or else I sleep the entire day and night. I'm not hungry, or I can't stop eating, and not even because I'm hungry. I feel sick. My head has been killing me for days. I just feel drained of all energy. I can't seem to get the go feeling. The only reason I got dressed today was to help out at the store downstairs.

I was wrong about my meds being here. It turned out that was another package (for dad). I did find a secret stash of meds in the cabinet, so I'm back on all of them for the time being. I'm hoping that my drugs will get here really soon, or I'll be back off of everything, and I'm positive I'll just slip into some sort of awful depression. I don't want to go there. I'm just not in the mood to be miserable. I have too much to do! Right? I need to job hunt? I have to work in the store?

It just seems like there's no reason to get dressed; no reason to get out of bed in the morning. Why not just stay in bed until you have to get up. And I don't have to get up anytime. This is not good.

It's been awhile

Ok, so I've been hibernating a bit. I've been watching all the seasons of my show and just kinda moping along, except for today. I had another interview this morning, went to lunch with Adam, and then worked in the store till 8. Not a bad day. I spent it fully dressed and out of bed. Very strange.

The problem is, I don't really have anything to talk about. I haven't had any brilliant thoughts. There are no good articles to talk about out there. There's not even anything interesting on Twitter. Jesus, the world is about as boring as I am right now!

I'll be back tomorrow with something, even if I have to make it up.