A manic ramble

I'm still up, trying to stop myself from posting on Facebook or embarrassing myself in any way. All I want to do is scream, or run in circles, or do SOMETHING. I want to call people, or drive somewhere, talk to someone, freak out, call my doctor, call my sponsor, call my man. But it's 6 am and I've been awake since 10am yesterday, and I've had too much caffeine, and I'm manic, and I'm CRAZY and I have to go to work in 20 minutes. And then school. And my man will be there, to see me in all my crazy ass glory - fully developed mania and caffeine induced shakes. And I want a DRINK because it will make this stop, but I know, KNOW, it will make it worse. I will lose everything if I drink. I have to fight my mind and my ancient alcoholic urges to hide and self-medicate and fix things and just give it up to God. His will be my own. To see me in this state is to see me as I am sometimes, and hopefully God won't let me fail or make an ass of myself. As long as I don't speak in class and just get the hell out of there as soon as possible... I need to call my doctor again. Not having meds is unacceptable and dangerous. I need to find a sponsor and call her. I need, I need. I need to ramble a bit more on here. It's like I'm getting the energy out in my fingertips and it's soothing....

I hate mania! I hate that it has gotten this far! It's not even a productive mania! I can't read, I can't write my paper, I'm just frazzled and shaking and full of racing thoughts. I don't even know if I should take my Abilify or if that will make it worse.... FUCK FUCK I hate this. Breathe....

Officially manic

That is all.

That took forever!

I finally made it to a meeting today. In fact, I made it to two. I hadn't been in a month, since I came back from up north. I guess that's almost 2 months, now. It felt great to go, and I really needed that boost.

I'm at 16 months, now! Thank God for sobriety. But I need to put my program first, or I'll lose everything it's given me. So I'm building in meeting times to my schedule. Wish me luck!

To suffer is human

Money problems solved

Apparently in order to get my money from unemployment, they had to send it to Bank of America, who sent it Western Union to PO Boxes, Etc, who gave it to me, so I could deposit it back into Bank of America. That makes NO sense what-so-ever, but at least I have my money now. Still no loan check yet, so no payment on the credit cards, but I've got enough to pay my car bill. Whew! I was wondering where that money was going to come from.

I've been wanting to get drunk lately. Not really, but wanting a way to relax at the end of the night and wind down. I still don't know how to do that without food or drink. I should really buy a headlamp and go for a run. Or go on the treadmill. But after standing all day, that's the last thing I want to do. All I want to do is sleep!

Check still not here

I just had to borrow money. I hate that. But I was down to $.75 in my checking account, and 0 in my savings. So I borrowed $200 to get me through till whenever my money shows up. Still no unemployment or loan refund. I'm waiting on a hell of a lot of money... And none of it ever appears. I need at least $600 to pay my bills this month since my credit card payments are really high. Once I pay them off, I'll need $400 a month to make my bills. Maybe $500. I can do that working, I hope. I'm going to get paid on Mondays for one job, and Fridays for another, so I think it should all work out. Who the hell knows. I hate this.

I went from making enough money to go to Europe to not making enough money to send a postcard to Europe. Damnit.

ARGH

I'm so fucking frustrated today! I just called unemployment, and they sent my last check on Monday. Which means it must have gone to Michael instead of here because I haven't even seen the ones before that! They owe me about $7,000, which is out there in the mail somewhere. I'm broke, damnit! I need that money to get me through this semester, and even through the week! ARGH.

This whole process has been nothing but a giant pain in my ass. I'm thankful for the money, but it almost hasn't been worth it. I'm writing a nasty letter to the head of EDD as soon as I figure out who it is.

Mail snails

Why does the mail take so freaking long? Something mailed from one town over should get here the next day, right? Whatever. I'm just impatient. I know this. My refund check from school should be coming, and I want to pay off my credit cards. It will feel so good to do so. I can't wait! My refund is exactly $.75 short of what I owe. I think I can cover that.

I'm also waiting, not patiently, for my check from unemployment. It's been forever, and I've received notices that they have taken taxes out, but no money. I'm very frustrated, as I'm living off my last $300. I don't have the money to do anything, from gas up my car to buy groceries. Sigh.

So I'm frustrated at the mail, hoping that it's the post office and not the incompetence of EDD, which it usually is. They are going to get a nasty letter once I'm done with them. They have been nothing but rude and late. You would think that as a service organization they might have better customer service.

I should probably get some sleep instead of focusing on the mail. Which isn't going to come, because it's Sunday.

Little girl lost

Am I manic or is my sleep schedule just off? Am I depressed or just stressed out about this decision to go back to school? I think it's just stress, really. I can't sleep during the night, but I take naps all day. I don't know what it is. Maybe the night driving really screwed me up. Who knows. Could be anything.

I am awake, though, and done with my online shopping. I checked out school and the requirements for my masters again and found a class I was supposed to sign up for but didn't know about. I just signed up and emailed the professor that I can't make the first day of class because I have to work. It's, of course, scheduled for all the three days I thought I didn't have classes and could work, so now my work schedule is going to be screwy. I hope they don't fire me. I just can't open the store anymore. But I can work from 10:30am on, so that should be ok. I hope.

The other two jobs haven't started yet, and it seems like one is going to be funny. They keep rescheduling, so I don't think they are going to want to work when it's snowy, either. I bet it's going to be really random whether I will work or not. I hate random. I like a schedule. But it looks like my life is going to be random for the next few years. I don't know what any of it will look like.

I'm meeting with my adviser on Monday to discuss my path. I hope he can give me some more insight into what I should be doing. I'm a little lost right now.

All things considered

I know, I know, all I do is complain lately, but I'm stressed out. I can't believe I went from making $50k to $19k a year. It's stressful! So what am I doing? Shopping. I have a little left on my credit cards, and so I'm buying pretty dresses and necklaces to make myself feel better. I know it's stupid, but I can't seem to help myself. I lie awake all night, and by 4am I'm online shopping again. At least I'll get some pretty things in the mail that will make me feel happy.

And I'm supposed to get a refund from my graduate loan any day now, which will pay off both cards completely. I'm still waiting for unemployment to pay me, and that seems to be taking forever, so I'm cash poor right now. Luckily all my bills are paid till the middle of September. I like paying things ahead of time.

My unemployment runs out this month, so it's lucky I got (3) a job. We get paid every Friday, which will be nice, and I'm exempt from taxes because I live in a state other than where I'm working. I think one of my jobs might be under the table, too, which will be nice. That will cover exactly nothing (maybe transportation costs), but that's ok. I think that job will be fun and relaxing.

I have orientation today, and I'm still awake. I can't sleep. Damnit. Stress.

The horoscope speaks

Playing the popular game of 'hard to get' is not the smartest strategy for you today. Actually, game playing in general is not advised in life: It causes way too much confusion and is inherently disrespectful to the other person. If you want to be part of someone's life, you need to be up front. Don't get caught up in which one of you is making the first move -- all you should be focusing on is establishing communications. So swallow your pride and do what it takes.

Stats

Fascinating. So I was making $21k this year? Sure didn't feel like it.

Living at home is tricky

My dad just caught me smoking again. He didn't say anything, but I know he saw me out on the porch. Damnit. I know he knows I started again, but I hate that he "knows." Poop.

I don't think the week before grad school starts is any time to quit smoking, and I doubt I'll do it any time during grad school. I'll be living here until at least next summer, so I don't know what to do. When it snows and I have no reason to be outside, he'll just have to put up with me. I'm hiding the damn tattoos, at least he can tolerate me smoking... right? I'm a horrible houseguest.

Teeth

I hate cavities, but I think I have one right down in front on one of my bottom teeth. It kind of hurts (I was poking at it). I haven't been to the dentist in an year and a half because I didn't have dental insurance. So, I bit the bullet and spent my last $300 on student dental insurance. It should cover a filling or two.

I wonder what my co-pay is for a filling. I should probably make an appointment soon, but I just don't have any money left. Maybe my dad would cover it as an early Christmas gift. God, that's pathetic.

Thanks Post Secret

Michael

Michael is trying to "break up" with me again. He says our relationship makes him feel angsty. I can imagine. He wants to be with me, and up until a few weeks ago I thought I was moving back out there. I think we were both thinking we would give it another go and see how things went, and then I got into grad school and decided to stay. He's a little mad about that. And rightfully so. The situation just changed so fast.

But I don't feel guilty. This is what I've always wanted, and now's my chance for it. I feel like I would really regret it if I missed this opportunity. And plus, I don't really care about getting married or having kids. If it happens, cool, if not, whatever. No biggie. I think that's what he really wanted to see happen.

But what can I do?

FML

What in the hell did I sign myself up for? I'm going to be reading and writing for the next few years on theology. This is good, though, cause I was reading it for pleasure anyway. Might as well get graded on it... Right?

But man am I nervous. School is daunting. There's so much to do and so much to prepare for, but I'm not sure what to do next. I need to find housing, but I don't have to cause it's ok if I stay here; I just don't want to. I can't find housing till I get my loan refund, which will be in September.

I'm really nervous about starting work, too. I got a retail job, which is awesome because I get great discounts and it's nice and mindless, but the shock of making $50,000 a year to $9 an hour is amazing. It's kind of an ego blow as well as a pocket blow. I was looking at my resume and I built up from this, and now I'm back? What the hell? I feel almost defeated at the fact that I'm back in retail.

But here I am. A working girl again.

Stressa

Augustine. I know nothing about him, really, except that he was a saint, or is a saint, from the BC era. I know he wrote confessions, because I've heard of them, and I own the book, but I've never read it. And now I need to know Augustine. Shit.

I suppose I have a month before my paper is due, but the syllabus assumes we've read him, or at least know something of him. I need to do some research, apparently. Which is stressing me out. I got one syllabus today and it's just crazy talk.

But I guess this is what grad school is: crazy talk.

I hate EDD

Unemployment called today, and of course I was not near my phone. So I called back and got 4 rude people before someone who could actually help me. He just said, "Oh yeah, there's nothing wrong with your claim. We didn't send you the right forms. We sent them now." So, all this time fighting for my back pay and worrying about it for NOTHING. Sigh. And I still haven't been paid in months. I'm sure now that I'm changing addresses next week something will go wrong again. I'm so frustrated with them. It's just kind of ridiculous how rude and inefficient they are! I should write the governor a letter...

So that's been my morning.

Scheduled panic

My schedule for the next 4 months is insane. School Tues, Thurs, Fri. Farmer's markets Thu, Sun. Field hockey all Sat. And then I have to fit a retail job in there somewhere on Mon and Weds. I'll have no time to myself, cause any down time will be spent studying. It's good, though. Keeping busy is a big plus. And working three jobs is ok, cause two are low key. But I'm still panicking.

But hey, guess what's cool? I don't want to drink! I have no urge to get loaded whatsoever. I am chain smoking, though, but I suppose that's normal for stress and a smoker. It supposedly relieves stress by altering the chemicals in your brain. Who knows.

Look what I found

So, yeah. It's always spot on.

I'm moving back in with my dad in 2 weeks, and he's been not so supportive of the going back to school thing. And then here's my horoscope for today.

Horoscope:

Get ready to build a much cozier relationship with someone who holds a great deal of authority in your life right now. You will be spending a lot more time in this person's company, and you will be expected to act more as a peer than a subordinate. Try not to be intimidated by her or his somewhat chilly demeanor. Focus on getting your ideas across, not on being charming. Work for this person's respect, not for a laugh or a smile (that will come naturally later).

Whatever Lola wants

Adam is so like my dad - doesn't take risks, moves slowly and methodically, is almost stuck in his ways. It's kinda frightening. I love Adam, I do, and I told him so. I told him I want to be with him, and he didn't really reply. He just sort of suggested I think about it.

Well, I'm thinking. I'm a big risk taker. Do I want someone who won't jump when there's an opportunity? Do I want someone who is afraid of life? I mean, that's my interpretation of it. Nothing fun ever happens that way. You just buy your house and have your kids and lament the fact that you can't go on vacation. That sounds horribly boring to me. I don't know.

Maybe I'll never get married. Maybe I should become a nun. They'd pay for college and send me all over the world to teach. I wouldn't have to worry about bills, and I would have fun roommates. Nuns are so cool. I've always liked and respected them. It would suck not to have sex ever again, but at this point it's not like it matters.

Just thinking.

Gratefuls

I'm grateful everyday that I don't have to drink. Everything that comes up in my life: the hard choices, the disappointments, the resentments; I don't have to drink over them. No matter what happens I don't have to sit here obliterated in order to get something I think I want. In fact, my life has improved so much since I became sober. I've been able to take steps towards something I want, and learn how to stop doing the things that hurt me. I'm grateful every moment for recovery.

Holy crap, horoscope

If you've been feeling underappreciated in one of your personal relationships lately, today you need to deal with the problem once and for all -- proclaim that you will no longer be anyone's doormat! Past patterns in your life do not have to be repeated, especially now that you have the wisdom of hindsight to show you the right way to handle this situation. It's your own, personal independence day! Keep moving forward and do not look back.

A pretty picture

Just thought I'd put something nice up. Today was much better than the rest of the week. Things seem to have sorted themselves out nicely. I think I'm going to go see my grandma this weekend, as she's only 2 hours away from where I am. It would be the nice thing to do.

Man, I've got to stop taking care of others. Diane was saying she thinks I've spent my life caring for others, to my detriment. I don't know myself of my path. But I do, now. I'm going back to school for something I love to do something I've always seen myself doing. And no one likes it. I called Diane's mom, who has a PhD, and we talked about the haters. "It sounds like you know you should do this. Don't let them discourage you." I think she's right.

Update

Oh thank God. I just got an email from the dean and they're going to let me in despite the GRE. I still have to take it, and do better, but it won't get me kicked out of school if I don't. And now I get my financial aid package! Which means I don't need to ask anyone for money. Thank God. I have never done that before, and I hope never to have to.

So now I just need to fix the unemployment situation.

The return of the GRE

Sigh. Money, admissions, money, unemployment. What else can go wrong today? Don't ask, or something will.

Today I tried to call my grandmother to ask for money, but she fell this morning and I just was worried about her and didn't want to ask.

And then I had a hold on my financial aid at school and it took all day to figure out why, but I've got to retake the GRE cause I was so bad at it. So why did they let me register? Oh yeah, money.

Unemployment hasn't paid me in a month and I called to complain and they blamed it on me for not calling them earlier. Now, they're trying to keep my back pay. They owe me two months of money. I really could use that....

But the good news is I got a part time job. So there's that.

Rant

Sometimes you think that after 15 years in therapy you're over something. Apparently I'm not. After all this stress of getting into grad school, all I've gotten is shit from my family. Nothing but, "This is a bad idea," and "now you'll never get a man." Honestly? I could give a shit about getting a man. And the only reason they see it's a bad idea is that I am going into debt. So then help me!

They all have money, for Christ's sake. My family is by no means poor. But they all said no without me even asking. And that's a slap. I have never asked for anything from them in my life, and all I've done is given. I take their drunken phone calls, I listen to their pity parties. I picked my mother up off the bloodied bathroom floor more times than I can count, and I never asked for a thing in return. And what do I get? Shit from them.

Fuck them. I don't need their help, or support. And the only one who is being logical about all this? Mom. Crazy-ass mom is sitting down with me and going over budgets and thinking about options. Crazy mom offered me her last $200 out of SSI. Like Jennifer pointed out, she owes me at least support.

But I feel like an ass for feeling "owed." I did it all out of love and my own personal need to sacrifice for my family. But why can't they just be supportive?

DC Drunks

Interesting.

According to a new study by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), 8.1 percent of adults age 26 or older in D.C. are alcohol dependent.

Of course, DC is a stressful town. It's where people who are high strung and type A move to. I wonder what the AA rates are in this town? How many people are in AA? Judging by the amount of clubs and meetings, a lot.

Um, nevermind

As I was leaving my dad's house I noticed a piece of mail. "When did that come, dad?" "Oh, this morning." Huh. Cause on the front of it, it said I got into grad school. No one thought to tell me?

So, apparently I'm staying put. I'm a grad student, now. Who woulda thunk?

Bittersweet goodbyes

Just had a night on the town with all my old buddies. We went to the same bar we've been going to for decades, and sang the same songs, in front of the same crowd. There's something nice about that... But tonight was a goodbye. Last time I moved 3,000 miles away, I knew I'd be back someday. I didn't expect it to be under these circumstances, but such is life. Tonight, I know one thing for sure: you can never go home again.

Adam and I had a moment outside as he left, an I told him it was all about him: my coming home, my quitting smoking, my waiting. But I can't hold out hope anymore. He's not ready for a relationship, and I am. I love him, but it's just time to drop that dream. It's time to let go. Move on. Boy, does it hurt. But not like before. It's more of a dull ache- a longing for things to be different.

I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm going back to start fresh. I'm going to just be me, and not wait on anyone.

Seriously?

My grandma's best friend is staying with my dad this week while I'm here. Some friends of hers just came over, that I've known for a long time, but they haven't seen me since I moved.

"So, are you still liberal?"

Seriously? I just smiled and said, gosh, I think so!

It amazes me that I'm so different from my family. Is it just generational? How did I become a liberal and they're so conservative? Why don't tattoos or gay marriage bother me at all? I'm considering becoming a lesbian just to be the complete opposite of what they all believe in. I'm just flabbergasted right now.

24 club

Why aren't there meetings at 3am? Just clubhouses open all the time for insomniacs and the manic? Really, sometimes you just need a meeting and there aren't any around. The next one is at 7:30am, and I'm sure to crash before that. The internet just isn't that entertaining, and my friends are all asleep.

Brought to you by diet Coke

I just chatted with Adam and one of his first questions was, are you manic? Huh. Yeah. I think so. I think it's a combination of a lot of things. My meds are wacky because I'm taking only half my pills... I need to preserve them so I don't run out. I'm crabby, and I'm scared. I'm scared of leaving the coast where my family will take me in and HAS to help me out, to the coast where my friends don't have to let me in. I need to find a place to live that's my own, even if I'm sharing it with others. I don't feel comfortable couch surfing for very long. I didn't even like doing it with relatives.

Everything is still so up in the air. I have job interviews all over the country, but what if nothing pans out? What if something DOES pan out? I want to take this roadtrip, but I'm nervous about it being interrupted. I finally have given myself license to just take off, and what if I get a job? It would be ironic to get one now.

There are so many things I need to think about. I need to manage my drugs. I need more meds, and a source for them when I get to the other side. I need a place to stay. I need a job there. But where? And when? I think I'm just panicking a little.

But I can run away...

Horoscope:

When something is troubling you, it can be helpful to try to live in an illusion -- to keep yourself so distracted that you don't have to deal with unpleasant thoughts. This is an acceptable short-term solution, but it's a very bad long-term strategy. Today you need to face the reality of where you are and what has been going on. Reality is never as awful as you fear. Plus, you can't get control of your life if you don't see it accurately.

Beees!!

Feeling a little wacky today. It's over 100 degrees here, and I've already been outside most of the day. I just came back in, and now I'm twitchy. I want to go out and do something, but it really is oppressive out there. I'm not sure what to do with myself.

I'm chugging water, and that doesn't seem to help. I've got a headache and I feel like I could just lie down and nap. Sigh.

But you know what's cool? I don't feel like drinking booze. I was having a little trouble there for a while, just because I wanted an escape, but traveling a little has solved that. Perhaps I should just become a professional traveler? A gypsy?

Run away!

I think I might be manic. I'm thinking about traveling, I'm cranky, and I want a tattoo. All of these things could just be the time of the month, my situation going sour, and my regular need for tattoos.

So where should I go next? The plan is ribs, fill in some more on the trunk, and left thigh. I want some dancing skeletons and other Day of the Dead and Grateful Dead related stuff to match my arm.



I don't quite know how to describe what I want, yet, and my artist is on the other coast, so it will have to wait a few months. Plus, that's a lot of money to use up when I'm running out of unemployment. Sigh.

Fuck you, too

I take phone calls outside here so I can smoke, and so I can get away. I was outside talking to Diane and Jennifer and when I came back in everyone was so rude.

"I swear you spend half your time here outside on the phone."
"And look, now she's going back into her cave. The internet hasn't changed since you left!"

Don't they realize I don't want to hang out with them? There's so much fighting or bad tv watching. That's not my idea of family time. I don't want to sit three people to the couch and watch the Bachelorette. I don't approve of the show (she is an awful role model, if you could call her that) and I don't want to see it. And that's not bonding. Bonding is talking. Whatever. I need to get out of here. I don't know what they're going to do without me as a distraction.

Bibbity, bobbity, boo

Diane called tonight and said I sounded down. I feel down. I don't know. I'm done being here. I'm sick of living here with my cousins. I love them, but I can't solve their issues and they aren't ready to solve them themselves. I think in order to keep me sane, I have to leave.

My trip back to the other coast doesn't start till August, so I don't know where I'm going to go, but I've got to go. I'm going to go home for a little bit and pack. And then I need to go to my other cousin's house in another state.

I just talked to Jennifer, and she agrees: time to get out of here. I think I need to take a break. For my sanity, and my sobriety.

Under the stars

I talked to Michael for a long time last night. I was lying on the trampoline in the back yard staring at the stars...listening to the Yeti in the woods....

We talked a lot about our relationship, and how we were both less mature back then. It has been 6 years since we met, so one would hope we've grown since then. I don't know. I don't think marriage with him would be a bad idea. He's a great guy, he loves me, and he would do anything for me. We travel well together, I enjoy talking to him, and he's really interesting. I love his family, and he, well, he tolerates mine.

Isn't that enough? What more can you ask for?

Let me free

My family makes me insane. Like a caged animal. I fit into their little molds of me: good daughter, caretaker, rule follower. Whatever. If you don't care what others think of you, then it doesn't matter, right? I don't think I care. I mean, I obviously do, cause I'm blogging about it, but I'm trying not to.

A few of them, like Diane and her son George, can be really mean. They say things that aren't true just to be funny or fit a story. They also just say mean things just to get your goat. And it can hurt. It's not a nice trait in a human being. I try to be honest, but censor myself when it's not a nice thing to say. I don't know. I'm just sensitive lately because I don't know myself.

My cousin and I have been going to a book club, and the first meeting we all had to describe ourselves on a big piece of posterboard. Everyone was putting who their husband/children were, where they lived, what they did for a living. What did I put? I like to go barefoot and to travel. And I'm sober.

So who am I? What do I have? I don't mean possessions, but how do I describe myself now that I don't have a job or a place to live?

When the speaker for my group got up, she said, this is Anne, our little free-spirit. I appreciated that, but it kinda stung, too. I am a free-spirit, but so's my mom. It has some negative connotations for me.

I've decided to go back to the other coast. I'm going to take a meandering drive across the US this summer/fall and see some folks along the way. I'm excited, and horribly nervous.

Dream big

My horoscope:

Your dreams can help you a lot more than you might think -- they can serve as visualization techniques that inspire you and push you toward your life goals. So keep dreaming, and do so unapologetically. Today, take some time to daydream about your future, and prepare a few different versions. Aim higher than you ever expect to reach, and you could shake loose some hang-ups that are keeping you from being as productive as you want to be.

Only the lonely

I think I'm getting insomnia again. It was fine for a month, but I think I'm used to all the workouts now, and am back to my old sleeping schedule. It does help you think about a lot of stuff.

I've got a handful of really good friends - People I would do anything for, and who would do the same for me. But they're all so different. Emily, Adam, Michael, Amanda, Jennifer, Andrea. They all offer something different. Some piece of my heart that needs to be filled is filled by each one of them in varying ways.

But I think I'm ready for love. It's been a few years since Michael and I broke up, and I haven't been in a relationship since. I've been pining over Adam, but that's just silly and fruitless. I think it's time to find love again, somewhere outside of the people I know.

So where do you meet people? I have no idea. I tried Meetup.com, but being an alcoholic, it's hard to avoid alcoholic events. Do I meet people in AA? That just seems like a recipe for disaster. Plus, I'm never in the same place long enough. Maybe I just need to get laid.

Emily calls

Thanks to the magic power of the internet and telephones, I had a Skype conversation with Emily just now. It was great to hear from her. She sounds a little down - they still haven't found good friends where they moved to, but she's got some folks to talk to and their baby has people to play with. And she's pregnant again! I'm so excited. It's a great thing - they're really great parents. She's coming back in October for a few weeks, so I'm going to make seeing her a priority.

Whenever I get a little jealous of her life - married, kids, living overseas, good job - I remember that life is rough wherever you are. All those things are tough, and she's just doing the best with what she's got. So I've got a different life, so what! We all knew I would. I wasn't destined for normalcy.

So what am I destined for? I don't know. But one thing it will involve is travel. I'd like to go out and see her, but it's around $2,500 to fly out, and I just don't have that kind of money. So we'll see. Maybe I'll suck it up and put it on my credit card and go see her next year while she's on maternity leave. I miss her so much.

Damn you horoscope!

"Any predictions from psychics, fortune cookies or bubble gum wrappers aren't going to give you insight on things today -- if they ever did. The fact is that there's no way to see into the future, so trying to do so is a huge waste of your time. Vague promises of future activities, future romance or even future jobs are feeling a bit empty right now. Position yourself as someone who needs to see something before you believe it and you won't be disappointed."

The toad prince

Tonight I sat outside on the phone and talked to Jennifer, Adam, and Michael. The whole time a giant toad sat two feet from me and stared. I don't know what he wanted, but he kept coming back. I tried to touch him twice, and he hopped away, but came back.

Adam worried me a bit this weekend when he was hanging on me and making comments about spending alone time together. I wanted to see how he was doing, and he's fine. Just the normal situations in his head. He's still working on him, which is important, and learning how to be alone (not in a relationship). It took me years to do that, so I expect nothing from him. "I have a lot of questions, and you don't have the answers," I said. He's just in a place where his spiritual development comes first, and I don't think he's even thinking about me. That hurts, a little. I want him to think about me; to think about us and all the possibilities there. But he doesn't, and that's got to be ok with me. I know I say this a lot, but I've just got to accept that he doesn't want to be with me, and move on.

And then there's Michael. Michael wants to marry me. He's asked a few times now, and he's coming out here in August to run a race with me. He is determined. I love Michael, I do, but there's no spark there. He's a great guy and a really good friend, but I don't crave him like I crave Adam.

My cousin keeps reminding me there are other people out there besides the two of them. I can look elsewhere. Perhaps someone who makes me feel that spark but who also wants me like Michael does. If I could just smush them together and create one man, that would be optimal! I don't have to settle for Michael, I'm in no rush to get married right now, and I don't have to wait for Adam. I can find someone entirely new.

But I don't want to. I want that familiarity. I want to feel as loved as Michael makes me feel, and I want that rush that Adam gives me. I feel like I'm going to cave under Michael's pressure. He does offer stability, love, and health insurance.

Maybe I should just disappear for a bit....Go off to toad princess land.

Pride

The 12 and 12 talks about the seven deadly sins we look at in our inventory (step 4). I've come to realize lately that I have a big nasty one: pride.

Now, pride can be a good, or a bad thing. It's good to look inside and see the good things about yourself and be accepting and even proud of them. But what I'm talking about it the pride of self that says, "I am better and stronger than everyone else, and therefore I don't need them." Sure, I take criticism. I listen when people point out my flaws, but I've always thought I was better than other people. People are inherently weak and flawed, so I have to be stronger and more "perfect."

But no man is an island. The moment I walked into the rooms of AA I admitted I wasn't all powerful, and in fact, flawed. I admitted that I needed the help of other people to make me a better person. I admitted defeat and made my first small steps towards humility.

Home is where the ___ is

I really wish I could feel better, but I don't. I have so much in my life. I have people who love me, but I don't trust them to love me. I have a place to live, but I feel alienated from it. I have meetings to go to with people who care. And that's true.

I feel lost without a job. It gives you a reason to get up in the morning and do something. It gives you something to think about besides yourself. It introduces you to new people and new experiences. I like working.

And now that my time up north is coming to an end (my cousin gets her license back next week) I don't know what to do with myself. I have no reason to stay up here, but I have no reason to go "home." Home is just my dad's apartment with FOX news and no food. It's a twin bed and all my stuff stuffed into a small closet. It's living out of bags and boxes. It's not having my car or my dog. It's going to meetings and not feeling comfortable.

I need my own space. I was thinking of going to see my aunt in Indiana and then Jennifer, who is a few states south. Maybe I'll stay the rest of the summer with them. But what do I do in September? I can't imagine another year of this. I'll just have to get a retail job and an apartment somewhere. Start over. The year of self reflection must come to an end.

Depression bites

Intentions

I wish I could read people's minds sometimes, though some of the fun is figuring out people. "Don't overthink it," Adam always reminds me. But most of my overthinking is because of him. Most of the people I know say what they mean and act the same way. He's so... bipolar! He says, "I want to be friends. I'm not looking for anything right now but working on myself." And then he says, "I want to spend more alone time with you," and kisses me on the neck. He was petting my hair (I got a haircut) and I asked him if he liked it and he just said, "I like you."

So, here I am, overthinking it. Does he want to date? Is this what all the touching and kissing is about? What does he mean he wants to spend more time alone with me? We see each other about as much as normal friends see each other.... So I'm all up in my head, and trying not to be. I have to go with what he has explicitly said. Like the saying goes, when people show you who they are, believe them. And he's shown me he's just as confused as I am.

Jennifer thinks I should just ask him point blank: do you want to be with me? And if not I should stop talking to him. I don't think it's to that point. I think I'm confused over whether I would want to be with him. Sure, my body wants him, and I feel happy and comfortable around him, but there's a lot that worries me. He's kinda racist and pigheaded when he talks. I know he's not racist, but people who don't know him might get the wrong idea. And he acts and dresses like a young boy, not a 30 something. Which is fine, but bugs me sometimes.

I think if we ever did get back together we would need couples counseling. He's still mad at me for breaking up with him 6 years ago. We would have to talk some of that old stuff out, methinks.

It's raining.

Don't be discouraged

The topic the other night was discouragement. I've been discouraged in my life, but definitely by the program of AA. It was such a difference moving cross country, and then getting involved with the young people, which I should have known wasn't my scene. What's sad is I spent almost a year at my dads and never found a meeting I felt like I could call my home group, but I've been up north 2 months and I miss the people at my Tuesday meeting. AA feels more comfortable up here. I like these people: they're real.

So yeah, I was discouraged, and I backed away for a time. But I also came to realize that I feel better when I go to meetings. It strengthens me for the day to come. I like to hear everyone's stories and listen to the laughter. It's good for me.

I think I'm going to hit a noon meeting, now.

Promise

One day at a time

All things resolve themselves in time. That's why it's one day at a time, right?

My mom said something interesting to me. "What if your father thinks you getting tattoos is a rejection of him, and that's why he doesn't want you to show them off to him." Oh. I never thought about it like that. Maybe it's not a rejection of me, maybe he thinks it's about him. Maybe the best course of action is to not take it personally and to just continue not showing my tattoos around him. Let it go. No resentments.

I can't seem to sleep tonight. But that's fine, since both Adam and Michael are coming home from long trips and have stuff they want to talk about. I feel bad sitting here upstairs talking at midnight, but I'm sure my typing could be heard around the house as well. Adam went racing this weekend, which sounded like fun! It sounds like he did a good job, too. Michael went camping with a bunch of my old friends, and I'm a little jealous, but oh well.

Anne and the very bad day

Sometimes you've got to dig deep and grab that small part of you that might be excited, and hold on to it. I had interviews number 30 and 31 the other day, and I just don't care. People ask how they went, and I don't know. It's all the same. They're just like all the others that didn't call me back. I'm just feeling jaded. And then Adam and I got into a fight, my dad told me I should never show my tattoos around him, and I lost my contact in my eye. All petty shit, right? But it builds up.

So let's dissect this: my dad basically told me to keep pretending to be something I'm not while I'm with him. He doesn't like the real me - the one covered in tattoos. It's not like I ever curse around him or do anything else I do with others, but pretending to be the "good girl" forever sucks while it's 94 degrees and you have to wear a sweater to cover up your tattoo. Why can't he accept and love me for who I am? That's a hard lesson I just had to learn, and part of the reason I moved cross-country last time. It just makes me want to run away again.

Adam and I got in a fight. He said he was going to come up north with me for the week, and then bailed because he got a better offer. I don't blame him for bailing - he was asked to do something really cool and special - but he does this a lot. "I'll call you back," and then it's weeks before you hear from him. "I'm coming out," and then you don't know his travel plans till the day before, or even if he's coming or not. It's selfish to keep your plans to yourself. I think the biggest part, besides the not being able to plan around his word, is that I get excited to see him and then he bails at the last minute. Sure, he shows up when there's trouble, and I can always count on him then, but I think it's because he likes the chaos. When it's just he and I, I can never trust that he's coming. I don't deserve to be treated like that. I don't know how to talk to him about it because he just wasn't hearing me before.

And that's pretty much it. I'm just frustrated and a little disappointed in people.

Kvetching time!

I haven't been paid (unemployment) in almost 2 months, I gave myself shin splints in my driving leg, and I think I'm getting fatter despite working out twice a day. No, I'm just turning everything I've got into muscle, but it still makes my shorts tight. Baah.

I've applied to about 1,000 jobs at this point, and I'm still unemployed. My brain hurts just thinking about it. And I don't care about what I'm trained to do, anymore. I'm sick of it. I wish I had a passion for something else, but I don't. I just go with the flow most of the time. Sure, I love a lot of things, but they mostly involve unstructured things or sports.

All in all, my life is pretty good. I still have the money to cover my bills because I was such a penny pincher before. I still have my car and a place to live. I'm getting free exercise classes all summer and time with family members I hadn't been around before. I am grateful for everything, really, I am.

It all comes out in the wash

"Mom, you're drunk! I've known since I was 7 how to tell when you're drunk." -From a 15 year old.

I hope I never have to hear those words from my future kids. My cousin might drink a little much. Her soon to be ex sure does. Tonight, we were at a party and they were both there. Their daughter was visibly uncomfortable to have them in the same room, and wouldn't leave her mom's side. My cousin then made a crack at her ex, and now the 15 year old wants to move out and in with friends. "I don't want to live with either of you!" I kinda don't blame her.

When my parents got divorced, I chose to live with my dad. He's harmless, stable, and a good guy. Not that my cousin isn't a good person, but she's got some rough traits. She's bossy, she picks at the kids sometimes, and she is so angry with her ex that it shows. She should be: he dicked her over and left her for a 26 year old. I'd be pissed, too. But sometimes the way she acts is childish. She needs to pull it together, if only for the kids sake, but for hers, too. She can't live like this. And she's drowning her feelings in booze, which just makes her text her ex and say mean things.

Life is complicated. Kids are complicated. Divorce is messy. There's no way to end an 18 year relationship without complications, but the two of them are making it harder on themselves, and the kids. I don't know what to do. I'm just a fly on the wall right now. I feel it's not my place to butt in, so I only give advice when asked. We'll see how the rest of the summer goes.

Summertime and the living is....

It's been a great adventure here up north for the summer. As you can see, I don't have a lot of time to post. My cousin is go, go, go from dawn to dusk. It's amazing how much energy she has! She has three kids, two of them teenagers, and has to keep up with them all. Plus, she's a fitness instructor. We've been doing spin, yoga, and running. I don't know if I've lost weight, but my body feels better, though tired. Today, she's on a field trip with the little one, so I get the day to myself. I haven't worn a real bra in three weeks. It feels almost strange not to put on workout clothes for the day.

Like I said before, AA meetings up here are awesome. By meeting 3 (there are only 2 a week in this small town) everyone said hi to me when I came in and chatted with me afterwards. It's much better than living in the city where there's a meeting a minute and you hardly ever see the same folks. They are just so welcoming here. And they're trying to help me find an Al-Anon meeting for the family. My cousin's soon to be ex husband is an alcoholic, and she wants the kids to know Al-Anon is out there. I think it's a great idea, and would be great for her, too.

She drinks a lot, well, almost every night, and it doesn't bother me to see her do it. In fact, it reminds me why I don't want to drink again. The reactions of her kids make me sure I never want to drink in front of my kids (when I have them). Kids notice everything, and know when you're out of control. I just hope she can see from their perspective. It's hard to see your mom drink at all when your dad is such a drunk.

I just want to hug these kids, but they're not a hugging kind of group. They are very loving, though. The kids obviously love each other and their parents. They're just going through a really rough time right now, and so there's a lot of yelling. Teenagers can be harsh, too! They know how to cut to the bone. I feel sorry for my cousin because she bares the brunt of it, since her ex is living across town.

I just hope I can be a good and loving influence.

29 and counting

Had my 29th interview the other day, and it went just as well as the other 28. They want me to come in for interview number 30. But my dream job just opened up up north, and I'm praying they call me! It's for a premier psychiatric institution with researchers and clients. I would be so pleased to be there. Hopefully they call me for an interview.

I really like being up north for the summer. Its not as hot here, and I'm spending some real quality time with my cousin and her kids. Its also really nice to be out of the apartment. Dad is great, but I was struggling there. AA meetings here are fascinating. All backwoods rednecks (theres a dude who doesnt even wear a shirt) but I love it. I would move north in a heartbeat. I've always loved it here. I spent my summers up here, and holidays. It just makes me happy.

But I'm hesitant. Why? Adam. I want us to be together, but I cant put my life on hold for him. I have to go where the jobs are. But I wish we could make something work. It would help if he wanted it. But I dont even mention it anymore. My cousin is obsessed. She met him when we went down for a weekend and said, "you light up when he's around!" i didn't even think about it, but I do! It's kind of frustrating. He's hard to gauge. A few months ago he said he wasnt looking for anything, so I will hold that as the truth until he tells me differently. I just have to go on and make my own plans.

Fat sucks

Talking to Jennifer this morning about my upcoming 29th interview, and she said, "isn't that e day of your one year anniversary?" Oh yeah! It is! I didn't even think about it. So it appears I'll be home for it instead of up north. I'll have to find a good chip meeting to go to. I don't really know which one. Maybe I can convince Adam to take me. It would be nice to celebrate with friends.

I still have no idea how I'm going to celebrate. But I've got to do something. I suppose a nice dinner, but I'm starting to get paranoid about being fat. I'm back where I used to live this week, staying with Michael, and he told me I'm fat. "you're just jigglier than before." thanks. My mom told me I'm getting "sloppy." What do you expect from 4 months of horrid depression, unemployment, and anti-psychotics? Whatever. Weni got up north I'm going to be running a lot and hopefully eating well. I figure if I really try, I can drop 15 pounds in 2 months. I need to drop 30, but half is good. I can take it from there.

Ok, I might not get to update again till I get home on Tuesday. I go to finish my tattoo on Monday and then I'm back home, and then off to the north.

The app is in

I hit the button. I pressed send on my application to grad school and sent off my requests for transcripts and references. Now, it's up to me to pass the GRE and up to the school to decide whether they want me in their program. I've had contact with two of the professors, so hopefully they will recognize my name and let me join them in research-ville.

I'm so nervous, now. What if they say no? I suppose I would just have to try again next year. It's the only program that looks like it has what I want. It's a small field, and so there aren't that many options, plus it's just right here in the city. My nerves are all a mess.

"I knew it was coming," say Tom, one of my references. He said, "With your love of learning, I knew one day you would go back to school." I asked Michael to be a reference, since he's known me for a long time, and he said he wouldn't even have to lie, that he really thinks I'd be a good candidate. Jennifer is my third reference, and she gladly hopped aboard this crazy train. I promised them all a shout out on my graduation cap, whenever that happens.

Of course, as soon as I hit send an employer called me looking for an interview.

Dave

Dave was a nice guy. He really was. He was 19 and I was 17, and I don't remember how we met. I think through mutual friends. He was a punk rocker and had dyed black hair (he was a natural toe-head) and piercings back before that was cool. He wore Doc Martens and chains on his wallet. You know, he was leaning more towards the Goth end of punk, cause he liked make-up, too, but he was still punk. He introduced me to NoFx and other good punk music. See, at the time, I was still a big hippie. I was a Deadhead to the core, wearing my ripped jeans and Dead shirts. I smelled like Patchouli and sandalwood and wore a hemp necklace. It was the 90s.

But Dave was sweet. He liked me, a lot, and I thought it was pretty cool that he liked me. He also had drugs. He had a never-ending supply of pot, and we tried ecstasy together for the first time. Then we did it as much as we could. I was already doing a lot of LSD, and he didn't discourage me. So we just had sex and did drugs, and he could drive, which at the time I could not, so we hung out all over the place and went to the underage clubs in the city.

Because we never thought about protection, I got pregnant. I was stunned. I guess I just didn't think it could happen. I only found out because I couldn't stop throwing up, and I NEVER throw up. I went to the school clinic and she knew before I even took the test. My dad came and got me for the first time that school year, and I was in all sorts of trouble. It was November.

I didn't know what to do. I'm Catholic, and he was Atheist, but both of our parents just assumed we would get married and raise the baby. He proposed and I said yes. About a month in I shook out of my stunned silence and thought: really? A baby? I don't even have a high school diploma and both of us live with our parents! And the really messed up thing, that I have never admitted, is I didn't want to marry him (for a lot of reasons) because he was poor and he could never give me the life I thought I deserved. Only child syndrome, maybe, or just little rich girl, whatever it was, I realized a few things. I realized he wasn't the man for me, and that it was too early to have a baby.

Again, I didn't drive, so I asked him to take me to have an abortion. He didn't want to (he wanted the baby and to get married) but somehow I convinced him it was a bad idea. I remember every moment about that day, but for some reason I don't remember what happened after. I just know that by January I was back in school and he and I had broken up.

We're Facebook friends, now. He's got a good life and a beautiful wife, and I'm happy for him. Like I said, Dave is a good guy.

Digging in the boxes

I just spent the last hour and a half going through old photos and posting them on Facebook. Random stuff from high school and old family photos. My grandmother was a dame! There are some great ones of her, and I think (hope) I look a little like her. I never met her (well, I did, but she died 2 months after I was born). She's a legend in my family, and I always feel like I missed out on a really important relationship.

There are some fun ones, too, of a professor of mine in high school who died senior year. He was a great, great man, and really funny. I couldn't even bring myself to go to his funeral. I got high instead. I wish I would have gone to at least say something to his wife, but I never did. Ah, youth and drug abuse.

Speaking of which, all the pics of me I'm so stoned. My senior photo I'm obviously blitzed, and everything I wrote on my page was horribly inappropriate or just weird. I remember thinking: what the hell do I even have to say? Our senior pages were just shout outs to your friends, so I riled my roommate a bit (my favorite pastime) and said hi to my fiance at the time. Oh yeah, I was engaged senior year. Only for a little bit, and only cause I was pregnant at the time. Jesus. It's a miracle I made it out alive.

Babble

Yep, manic. I've moved on to coffee, now. There's no point in trying to pretend. I'm feeling awfully chatty and there's no one awake to chat with. Even Emily, who moved across the world, is still at work and can't chat. So I'm just sitting here Facebook stalking people. I bet I could call my mom and harass her. She's my go-to cause I know at 6:30am she's awake. I could also go drive to the 7:15 meeting, but I don't know if that's going to happen. Actually, maybe that's the best idea. But traffic will suck. Ah, I just want to email chat with someone. Maybe I can be an ass and wake Michael up again. It's 3am there, that's not too bad.

So instead, I'll talk to you, dear reader, if you're still here.

Manic emailing

I worry that I manically send out emails. I mean, it was 3am when I sent my last one, but if anyone looks at the time stamp they're going to think I'm nuts. I do good work in the middle of the night, though!

So it's 5:30 and I have to decide if I'm going to the 6am meeting or if I'm going to try to sleep. I think I need to sleep. I'm starting to get tired now, but I know if I push through I can make it. But why force the matter? If I'm getting tired, I should go to bed, no?

Hypomani is not fun

It's 4:30am now, and I'm still awake. I've sent all the emails I can send in order to prepare for tomorrow (I'm asking some folks to be my grad references tomorrow), and I've applied for Federal grants already. I completed my grad school application, and am just waiting on confirmation of my references in order to hit send.

That's it. That's all it takes: filling in a bunch of forms and maybe writing a short essay. Now I have to do a bunch of paperwork like getting my transcripts sent, sending out reference forms, and taking my GRE. Once I do all those things, the college can evaluate me for admission. I hope they admit me for the fall. I really think this program would be an incredible mental exercise and lead me in a completely different direction in life.

But I do need a job in the meantime. I'm still applying and looking all over the place, and there's just nothing. Now that I've decided to go back to school, the prospects look even dimmer. There's just nothing out there that really speaks to me. But I've got to find something....

Hypomania is fun!

So it's 1:30am and I'm awake, wishing that Michael or someone was still up so I could chat with somebody. I've already exhausted a few avenues on the internet, and I'm currently reprogramming my phone. What does all this mean? I think I'm hypomanic. I'm not feeling like spending my money or traveling, but I can't sleep and I'm thinking about way too many things at once. And I'm smoking.

I'm taking my meds, though the dosage changes all the time. It just depends on what free dose the doctor has. The drug companies give him free samples and he gives them to me, so I've been on 15mg, 5mg, and now 10mg of the same stuff. He just gave me a big bag full of more today, so I should be fine for the summer while I'm away.

So what can I do about this? Is mania coming? I don't think so. I don't feel like it's going to get out of control. I feel like I'm just a little high, but not dangerously so. I think it will be good to get me through the summer. Oh! Wait! Look at me, displaying addict behavior. "I like this high. If I can just maintain it...."

So what do I really do? I think I'll split the 10mg and stay on a consistent 5mg for a while and see if that balances things out. It should even out within the week, and if I still can't sleep next week then I'll have to call the doc and see what to do. I've got to make sure I'm taking the best care of myself that I can!

Pay it forward

Helping another alcoholic is one of the basic tenets of AA. I know that I can't help anyone else until I help myself (get a sponsor, Anne....), but I was able to spread a little AA cheer today, and it makes me feel really good, and really good about the program.

I have a friend of a friend who just decided to get clean and sober. He's got 52 days, and asked me to go to a meeting with him on Sunday. We ended up going to 2, and then 3 yesterday, and one today. We stayed for the marathon yesterday because we both realized we needed a little AA in the day, and each meeting seemed to be on step one or sponsorship.

Anyway, we were talking in between meetings and I asked if he'd read Living Sober yet (remember my good friend the "pamphlet?"). He said, "No. I don't even have any of the books, yet." Well, we had to remedy that. There's a bookstore at the club and we got the woman to open after hours so I could find him a copy. "I don't even have a Big Book." Jesus. What are they teaching at rehab?

So we went through and I got him the Big Book, Living Sober, and a 12x12. He didn't have the money to get them, so I got them for him. Later on, I thought about it: I got all my books for free when I started. I suppose I'm just paying it forward, huh? Anyway, it felt really good to be able to do that for him. I like that now he's at least got the literature.

Smoke tastes bad

Yeah, yeah. So I bought another pack of cigarettes. I already smoked one, and now I'm on to this second one. I know, I shouldn't have had that first one at the wedding, but I just really wanted one. It felt like the right thing to do, even though it was so wrong. And now I'm addicted again; sneaking out like a high schooler onto my back porch at night when my dad is asleep. I really need to move out.

I really need to quit smoking, again. I realize I am powerless over my addiction. It has me in it's grasp. I'm coughing and sneezing, and I know it's not allergies. It's my allergy to the cigarettes. I need to put them down and be serious this time. I made it 6 months! I can make it another 6. And another. One day at a time.

It's nice that AA has taught me so much about addiction and letting go. I can just say: for today, I won't smoke. But after I finish this pack....

What's on my mind

I was talking to Michael again tonight, and he said some stuff that I need to think about. We were talking about me going back to school and finding a job in the meantime, since I need to pay for it somehow.

"You're not cut out for corporate culture. You're a dirty hippie. Not in a bad way, but you just don't fit in with the schmoozers." He's totally right. I hate schmoozing. I hate "managing up" and all that bullshit. I want a group of my peers running things. And I think that's what I'll find in academia. I don't know. I really don't.

I talked to my cousin today and her license was only suspended for 60 days, so I have till July 18 to get my ass in shape. I think that's doable. I'll drive her around, go to meetings, study for the GRE, and run. Sounds like a good summer to me!

Northern exposure

I just talked to my cousin up north, the one who got a DUI, and they reduced her charges to reckless, which means she only loses her license for 60 days. I'm headed up there on the 18th and I'm going to stay till July 19th. She's promised me days of running and yoga (and no diet Coke!), so I fully expect to be fit when I return.

I'm taking the GRE on the 18th of July. I'm a little nervous about it. I know I can do the English section just fine, but math? Hm. Math was never my forte. It's always a little intimidating to me, especially fractions. I had all the help in the world and yet could never get it. It just doesn't speak to me.

Speaking of speak, in the graduate program I'm going to apply for you have to design your own program, but there's still the regular PhD requirements. What are those, you say? One is being reading comprehensive in two languages other than English. So, we're back to French! Maybe I'll try Spanish, too, or just stick with German or Russian. I at least know the alphabet in those.

I really hope I get into the program!