Kids are so gullible

This has nothing to do with alcoholism or bipolar, but it's interesting nonetheless.

"'Children have developed a specific bias to believe what they're told,' says Jaswal. 'It's sort of a short cut to keep them from having to evaluate what people say.'"

This was a study of 3-year-olds. The next was of 7-year-olds.

"It shows that kids really pay attention to people's accuracy and they don't forget it, even after interacting with that person one time,"

So beware your impressions on the young, and tell them the truth!

And they've proved another old adage

Science can prove anything. Apparently now, they've figured out that whatever doesn't kill you does make you stronger.

"...adverse experiences do, in fact, appear to foster subsequent adaptability and resilience, with resulting advantages for mental health and well being."

Jesus, I must be the Hulk at this point. No, not in a "woe is me, my life is so hard" kind of way, but damn if I haven't had some "adverse experiences" in my life. They are not just speed bumps, according to this study. In fact, they are a bump up in my strength and resiliency as a human being.

I am a strong person. I don't get rattled easily. I've dealt with all sorts of situations, and it takes a lot to freak me out. I'm a little shaky right now, though. I just feel like I'm in free-fall, and like I said before, free-fall doesn't feel good. I am lucky, though. I have a soft place to fall, like my dad's house. I have people who love me, and a program that will take care of me. I have therapy and modern pharmaceuticals to take care of my mental health. I have food, water, shelter. I really do have the best of things. I just don't have that western identifier of worth: a job. But I'll get there. This won't kill me.

Pulling a geographic

A geographic is an AA term for running away from your problems by moving. I never thought I had done this, and then I thought better.

My life was pretty good. I had a stable job, a stable place to live, a great boyfriend, and good friends. But I was a serious drunk, and I was unhappy. Suddenly, my house was up for sale by the owner, my job got intolerable (through no fault of its own), and my boyfriend and I broke up. Probably also totally all my fault and fear-based, but that's another post.

So I moved. I picked up all the things I had and moved across country. I thought, "Everything will be better there. I'll get out more. Everyone exercises there in the sunshine! I'll be better out there."

Well, it was for a little bit. I didn't drink as much. And then I did.

So I convinced myself if I came home, things would get better. I would feel happier and not as crazy if I were home. I would have support. I wouldn't drink as much. And luckily, I got sober before I had to move home. Well, I suppose I didn't have to, it just seemed necessary. I could have survived on $200 a month for groceries and pet food, but it would have been really tight, especially after paying for gas. I really did make the right move, financially, but was it a geographic again, even in sobriety?

A brief thought from someone else

"For me, who always ran, always quit, always blew things up or burned them down, the change was to stay put, keep going, set a length of time to see things through. For me the change was to NOT change anything for a while. To live in the same place, the same job, the same skin, for a year or so and see what that was like. And what it was like, by the way, was hard."

Ah, to change. So far I've changed a lot this month, or this sobriety, and most of it was external change. How not to change anything? Wow, I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to stay put for long. Once this newness of AA has worn off, will I want to change again? Will I want to do something different?

Beginner's ain't so bad

Had another great night out with the girls tonight. Went to a beginners meeting with my sponsor and met some more of her friends and other sponsees (pigeons). Now, normally, I hate beginner meetings. All they do is open it up for questions and people just chat about boring shit or read Living Sober (which I actually think is uproariously funny). But this one was different.

The format was just like a normal speaker meeting, and they read How It Works! Thank God. It was nice to see the sobriety in the room - from five days to 22 years. People were really there to support the newcomers.

Afterwards we headed to Rasha's house for pizza and smoking time. Luckily the girls all smoke, too. And of course, we all talked about how we want to quit. I suppose that's what smokers do, especially AA smokers.

Tomorrow I'm going to a golf tournament filled with sober folks, and I already have a service position there.

At the meeting we all went around and introduced ourselves and said if we had a sponsor and a home group. I need to find a home group. I do like the Thursday night Unity Plus meeting I went to last night. There were a lot of great people there, and lots of sobriety. It's not too far from here, either. I want something kinda close to home. If I get a job in the city I may stay here in my town instead of moving to the town closer to my mom, though that wouldn't make sense, since I would have to take the dog to her house anyway unless I train him to be home a few hours and get a dog walker for the day. Maybe I could pay my mom train fair to come walk him.

But I'm getting WAY ahead of myself. I think right now I'll make this town my home, and find a home group here.

Only alcoholics have drunk dreams

I've been having booze dreams lately. I've been asleep, and woken up in a panic thinking I actually did it. Sometimes I can taste the alcohol going down, or in my mouth. Sometimes I like it.

The other night I had a dream about being back at the wedding and asking for a mimosa. That's all I did: ask for it. And I woke up.

I've had dreams about champagne, beer, wine. I always think in the morning, "Thank God I didn't do that!" But sometimes I'm sad it wasn't real. It would be nice to be able to drink like everyone else, but I know that I can't. I know that once I start, that thirst takes over and I just can't stop.

But apparently this is totally normal. Many people, even after years of sobriety, have these dreams. "He referred to this necessary part of recovery as a 'flushing of the psychic toilet.'" I like that. Flushing the psychic toilet. Getting rid of those thoughts and letting them get away.

You can still celebrate

It's pretty cool what the Rangers (an major league baseball team) did. Instead of celebrating their victory with champagne, they celebrated with ginger ale because of their teammate who is a recovering alcoholic.

It's pretty nice when your friends rally around you like that. My friends were all super supportive of me not drinking. They all took it in stride, and would ask me if it was ok to drink or buy me diet coke.

People around here have been supportive, too. They ask if it's ok to drink. They support my decisions. I've found a nice group of kids, too, who are already sober. It's nice to have support in this journey.

All things great and small

Sometimes I look at pictures of animals and think: tasty. And other times, I think: dear God, how can I eat something sentient?

I believe all things have a soul. All things, including grass and trees, octopi and platypus. Platypuses. Platypi. I love English. Anyway, I believe that each thing has a part in this world, but can speak for itself in it's own language. They've done studies where plants actually make noise or signal other plants when they're in danger. And now the complexity of the sucker on the octopus is explained. Jesus, I like calamari and all, but if even the suckers are that smart, how smart is the octopus?

It's kind of like Paul the octopus who predicted the world cup soccer tournament winners. "Common octopuses like Paul are very intelligent. We equate their intelligence with that of a dog and they love problem solving and figuring things out."

Like a dog? How can you justify eating something so smart? And pigs are smart, too. Cows on the other hand are pretty dumb, so burgers are still in. Or, are they: Cows are also capable of feeling strong emotions such as pain, fear and even anxiety — they worry about the future. But if farmers provide the right conditions, they can also feel great happiness. Yeah, that whole article makes you want to run with PETA and set all the animals of the world free.

Perhaps it's time to go vegetarian? I usually eat vegetarian unless I go out to eat somewhere, and I already don't like chicken, so there's no biggie. It would be giving up shrimp and hamburgers that would suck. But I think I could do it. I think if I think about how smart the animals really are I won't be able to eat them. Well, hell, I'm unemployed, let's try to experiment.

Vente Latte

Ok, having a moment of frustration and I just need to bitch for a minute.

Why are there no jobs all of a sudden? There's not even anything remotely close to my skill set for which I can apply. 1) I would like a job, 2) I need to apply to things in order to get my unemployment. And speaking of unemployment, I still haven't received any money from them. Does it come once a month or something? That would stink, but it would still be something coming in. I feel like I'm desperate already. I have a couple of bucks trickling in here and there from odd jobs, but I just paid my bills and got hit with a whammy. And I need to pay off my credit cards, which I don't have enough money to do both. One is simple, the other is still plane tickets.

And I'm going back to run a marathon with Michael, but now he's hurt himself and I haven't been running. I'm trying to convince him that we shouldn't run. It just seems stupid, especially since he's got two more marathons coming up. He should just heal now and run later. And I'll never make it.

Blah.

Oh so early

Sometimes you've got to sacrifice sleep in order to get to meetings.

I have lunch with the old folks in my family on Saturday so I need to hit a meeting before just to steady myself. My crazy old aunt will probably mock me for not drinking, just because she's kind of a caustic person. Then again, I was wrong about Diane, so I might be wrong again. Anyway, I want to go to a meeting beforehand just in case. So guess when I've got to go? 7:30am. That's right, AM if I want one before. Ugh.

There are tons of meetings after, and I'm sure my sponsor will take me to one Saturday night. I still haven't found a social life, but I think now with these ladies I'll have more things to do than I have time to do it. Adam is busy this weekend with his dad visiting, so I'll have tons of time to make connections. Not that Adam stands in the way of that, but on a typical Saturday I would ask him to take me to a meeting. He knows so many great people and he's just fun to be around.

I can't seem to sleep. I think I'm on a meeting high. I am just really excited about that meeting I just came from, and all the good people I met there. I hope to keep cultivating these relationships. Hey, being unemployed is good for something!

All the young folks

I think I just found my niche. I went to a great meeting tonight at the behest of my sponsor. She couldn't go, but gave me a number and said I was carpooling. I love being told what to do. You don't have to think. I am usually more independent, but again, I'm working on being dependent.

So Jane came and got me and we rolled out to the meeting. It was a young people's celebration meeting, and the room was packed. It was pretty hilarious, though, all the women on one side, all the men on the other. I love it.

I met a group of ladies who all have varied levels of sobriety, with a few still living in the women's home. I got about 6 phone numbers of women who want to take me to meetings and to hang out. And there were tons of smokers, so we all stood around for an hour afterwards and hung out chit-chatting. They were funny, and fun, and talked about all sorts of things, not just sobriety.

My sponsor and I are headed into the city tomorrow for another young people's meeting and to get together to finally chat. It'll be nice to get to know her more.

Free falling

Step three is a free fall, they say. "When we truly accept our powerlessness over life, we discover that there is only falling." Rami Shapiro, Recovery. You learn that hitting rock bottom is just breaking through the ego and learning that you're falling, and there is no bottom. You just have to trust that there is something out there bigger than you that's going to control your fall.

That's a scary thought. To be free falling through life. But I suppose it's pretty true. But through step three, "We are given a peaceful knowledge that we are alright and our lives will proceed as they should, if we just keep letting go." Marya Hornbacher, Sane.

Every day I work on letting go. I'm not sure if I like the free falling metaphor, but perhaps the walking blindly through life. You can touch and feel things around you, and respond to them, but what's leading you is that inner something, that feeling that you're going in the right direction.

So how do you give it up to your HP? By remaining powerless and, according to Marya, just doing the next right thing.

New shoes for me!

OMG new shoes. I love it! I got three pair and a new purse in the mail yesterday and today. I love it. I have a bright red purse now, which I've never had. I've got to wear my red lipstick to match tomorrow. And my new black boots.

I love shoes. I used to wear Chucks, Birks, and Docs, and that was it. Or I would be barefoot. I was a little hippie chick with flowy skirts and bells on my ankles. I even had dreadlocks at one point. I would walk around with jeans that were too big with holes in them.

Now, I've got more of an Ann Taylor/Punk look. I love studded boots and big purses, but I dress up wherever I go. I hate wearing jeans and t-shirts now, and my docs are only worn in the snow. But I still wear them, of course.

Changing perspective

Had lunch with Adam today. It's nice to be so close and be able to hang out with him on a semi-regular basis. He really does give the best hugs.

On today's theme of changing your perspective, we talked about people who rant all the time instead of looking for solutions. I'm a pretty solution oriented gal. I like to look for the things I can do instead of the things I can complain about. I usually don't complain a lot.

He's having trouble at work and home with complainers who don't want solutions. I feel for him. I'm pretty lucky that both of my parents are pretty optimistic folks who look on the bright side of life and always made really good lemonade from lemons. Though my dad does complain about politics. I always tell him to go back to work and work for change if he's so mad, but he is loving retirement.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it to that meeting tonight. It's a dual-diagnosis one in the city, but mom just dropped off the dog. I've got to make sure my dad will be here to hang out with him, since she didn't bring the cage. Enough about me. How are you?

Always look on the bright side of life

Shifting your perspective on things can have an amazing effect on your life. When you look for the shitty stuff in life, that's what you'll see.

"But Katie suggests a subtle, but profound shift to this belief: "Everything happens for you, not to you." You can begin to see that even the painful or undesirable experiences in life are there for you to learn, to feel something different, or to help you grow and mature as a person."

Everything in life is a chance to learn. I'm learning a lot from this unemployment thing. I've learned a little patience so far, and that having the time to work on my sobriety has given me the chance to grow as a person, and grow in my spirituality. Working, I would usually make up an excuse, like I'm so tired, to not go to meetings or read at night.

I am also learning how to be dependent without it threatening my feelings as an independent woman. Just living with my parents and relying on them for a lot of things doesn't mean I'm lost and don't have opportunities. I have been able to do a lot of things, like professionally write and volunteer for organizations. I've been able to spend some time working already, and supporting myself with my savings instead of financially depending on my parents.

So shift your perspective. Everything happens for a reason, and despite how it may look, that reason usually leads to something good.

Being fired probably was my fault

It gets you no where to think that other people are the source of your problems. I have been thinking that my old boss was just a jackass who didn't like me. But tonight I was talking to the ladies and they suggested something: maybe they did know about my alcoholism and it just took a while to catch up?

It had been three months since I quit drinking when I got fired, but perhaps they were just waiting till I had finished that project? I was working on something big, but they did fire me right before an event I was working on.

I had shown up to work drunk or hungover all the time. I fell asleep at my desk almost every day. I really wasn't accomplishing anything because of my alcoholism and depression. I did play a part in this, but it wasn't my fault. It was no one's fault. I can't beat myself up over it, I just need to acknowledge my part in it. And that's part of step four.

Drinking in school

I was thinking, when Niki was talking about boarding school, that I haven't told a lot of my boarding school stories here. I got in to trouble, but they always seemed to let me get away with it. I was expelled twice, once because I was pregnant, and once because I overdosed on LSD and lithium. Hey, at least I was taking my meds.

Yep. Overdosed. Did I tell you this already? I think I did. So I won't until later when I forget that I told it already.

I was a drinker in high school, too. I was definitely an addict. I couldn't get enough drugs to fill my system, but I was beginning my foray into drinking. We (the ladies and I) used to sit around at night and smoke and drink. We would hide in the forest after lights out and play around with drugs and alcohol. My roommate and I hid a bottle of Jack in my desk and would put a little into our diet Coke's during study hall.

There was always drugs and alcohol in school. You would think being underage, 4 miles from the nearest town (where everyone knew us - it was a really small town), and far from anything else (50 miles to the city) that it would be hard to get those things. But it wasn't. Someone always had something, and it was usually me who brought in the drugs. I'm so lucky no one else ever overdosed.

So when you think you're saving your kids by sending them to boarding school, just remember that they have all the same opportunities to fuck up there as they do at home - they're just watched more closely.

A woman's home

I went to a great meeting tonight at a local women's recovery program house. It was full of sober women who were ready to share, and they read How It Works! I missed that. I met a group who really wants to get sober, and put themselves in there in order to give themselves the best shot at sobriety.

I also got a sponsor. Niki is younger than me but has 6 years of sobriety. She was the lead tonight, and really told my story. She was in boarding school, too, and had trouble with suspensions and expulsions. She had homelessness and institutions, she had parental problems and mental illness in her story. What she said really spoke to me.

We were outside with the other ladies talking, and she asked if I needed a sponsor. I said yes, I was looking to start over with step one with someone on this coast. She offered, and I accepted. She seems really sweet. She's in school, and doesn't work either, so I'm sure we'll have time to work on things.

I'm really looking forward to having a sponsor. I can't wait.

Shopaholic

Just got new shoes in the mail! I love shoes. I was talking to my therapist and she said I'm not spending enough to qualify as manic, really. I think $500 is a lot to spend when you're unemployed, but I do that so often that I think it's probably just my normal state at this point.

I got my haircut today, which my old therapist and I figured out I do when I'm manic. It's really cute. I call it my Ramona haircut. With the brown color I dyed it a month ago, it really does look cute. I dig it. And I didn't go too short like I usually do.

Ok, off to a women's meeting. Let's hope this one is good.

Bring the kitsch

Just an entertaining article:
16 Ways Depression Is Like a Pumpkin

The holiday season is coming, and most people hate this time of year because they get depressed with all the dark time and lack of sunlight. But I love it. You know I love kitsch, and tis the season! From pumpkins and costumes to santa and stockings, I love it all. I usually have a theme for Christmas where I give all my family something along the theme lines. I did Jesus last year, and gave my cousin Roger a thing that you press into bread and then toast the bread, and it displays the Virgin Mary. It was a big hit.

I don't have a theme this year, and I don't have the money to do gifts... maybe I'll have to get some clothespins and make reindeer. Yes! Reindeer gifts made from clothespins. It's perfect.

I can't have parties this year, unless I rent out the room downstairs in the building, but that's expensive. So I'll have to just decorate my dad's house with kitsch. I have to get my holiday box out of storage. I'm going to a Day of the Dead festival with some sober friends the day before Halloween. This is where my season starts. I always have a DoD party with all sorts of cool decorations, so now I'll get to see artwork by real Mexican artists.

I hope we go north this year for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I love the snow up there during the holidays. It really makes it feel like Christmas, and my aunt really goes crazy! She has 8 (?) siblings, and they all bring different things to her open house, and family comes and goes all day long. We all stay in their big farm house, where it's freezing and haunted, but perfect. I love being with my family. Like any family, they make me crazy, but I do love them.

An alcoholic practices not drinking

Had lunch with Diane, the crazy cousin. It was nice to see her and hang out and gossip. She had three glasses of wine with lunch and then went back to work. Ah, the alcoholic. She looked through all my Facebook pictures and had the realization that in all my pictures I was holding a glass of alcohol or a pitcher of beer. She said, "It really was time to quit, wasn't it?" Yeah, it was.

I finished my salad before she finished lunch, so she ordered my favorite dessert for me: tiramisu. About halfway through I thought to myself, isn't this made with alcohol? I quit eating it, and I'm going to have to look up the ingredients. I hope it wasn't, but I seem to remember it was made with Kahlua. That would be really disappointing. It's my favorite treat! But not drinking is not drinking, right?

Look ma! Smoking is good for something!

Good news! "...they may be able to eliminate debilitating side effects caused by a promising Alzheimer's drug by stimulating the brain's nicotine receptors."

So nicotine can be ok! Thank God it's good for something. It lessens side effects from a lot of stuff, it seems. I wonder if it works as well as pot for chemo. I guess pot just makes you hungry and calm, but nicotine has calming effects as well.

I'm starting to feel like quitting smoking is coming up. I'm starting to get sick of having to sneak out. We shall see. I always say that.

The new old Big Book

Pretty soon they're going to release the original manuscript of the book Alcoholics Anonymous, with the original hand written edits in the margins. A lot of people are excited about this, and it is an amazing historical record. It will show what changes were made to the original ideas, and show us just how the group conscience worked in the editing stage.

"One of the most pervasive changes that readers will see is the transition from the 'you' voice to the 'we' voice. Instead of giving directives to people trying to recover from alcoholism and telling them 'you need to do this,' text was changed to the 'we' voice of the fellowship, to show by example."

And how amazing this "we" voice really is. Without it, you might think that you could do it all on your own. But by making it a "we" program, it shows that everyone needs to participate in the group, and the group can be what carries us. I hope to grab a copy of it when it comes out.

Addiction Recovery resource

Just a quick resource for you:

"Oklahoma - Narconon Arrowhead, a residential drug and alcohol rehabilitation program is reaching out to people all over the country as they launch their new web-site, www.addictionrecoveryforalifetime.com which is geared towards providing free help to those in need. The site is a resource that will supply visitors with a free booklet designed to point addicts and families alike in the right direction when it comes to choosing an addiction treatment center."

Protest the liquor?

A neighborhood in San Diego, CA is trying a new approach to the homeless.

"Fletcher said he knows alcoholism is a disease and believes the supply of alcohol needs to be cut off. So he and some neighbors are targeting two local stores that sell alcohol and asking that stores don't sell liquor to known alcoholic transients."

Basically they're protesting the stores that sell alcohol to homeless people. There is an epidemic of homeless people who have alcohol and mental health problems. Many people are schizophrenic or alcoholic, or both. In San Diego, "In a recent survey of downtown homeless, 54 percent said they either currently or in the past have had a problem with drugs or alcohol."

54% Wow. I would imagine it's even bigger in bigger cities like LA or NY. But we can't protest all liquor stores. Or can we? And is that a first amendment issue? I mean, you can't tell people they can't do something just because you don't like it. It's not really free speech, but you know what I mean.

Parity or parody?

Your tax dollars at work? Apparently in a county in Ohio, most of the people treated in abuse and recovery centers are covered by tax money when they are ordered to attend. People who have insurance often have to rely on their own money to fund recovery because insurance doesn't cover visits to recovery or mental health institutes. But all that is supposed to change. On January 1, 2010 they passed the Mental Health Parity Act, which was supposed to make abuse and mental health services available the same way surgeries and other health benefits are.

"Benefits for treating substance and alcohol abuse have been much more limited than medical care benefits. Previously, insurance companies would pay for the health issues caused by the abuse, but not treatment for the abuse itself. For instance, someone with liver problems would receive medical treatment, but limited or no alcohol recovery treatment, Hollingsworth said."

But: "The law does not require that all MHSA conditions be covered. However, once an employer or other payer decides to cover a MHSA condition, then that coverage must be on par with the medical-surgical benefit. Some payers/group health plans may decide to exclude certain MHSA diagnoses."

So really, they don't have to cover anything. They can pick and choose among the DSM-IV to see what they will cover or not cover. Pretty shitty, eh? One would think that they would want people to be healthy and survive illnesses. To treat the disease and not just the symptoms. But, of course, the health insurance companies only care about the bottom line. How disgusting. If only we could protest by not getting insurance, but then where would we be? My dad broke his pinkie and it cost $8,000 AFTER insurance. Imagine what it would have cost him without insurance? Too much.

So let's see as time goes on just how much "parity" we get.

Loko drinks

There's a new "energy" drink out there called Four Loko that actually has alcohol in it. It's apparently been causing a lot of overdoses in kids and deadly accidents.

"I've been practicing emergency medicine for 13 years in Lancaster," he said, "and I have yet to see one alcoholic beverage that has caused so much intoxication in such a short amount of time." (Lancaster, PA)

This thing is pretty dangerous, and reminds you that you have to check everything for alcohol. I've heard of people going out of the program on things as simple as mouthwash or vanilla extract, but so far not on energy drinks. I wonder what's in the rest of them? Besides coffee and soda, most alcoholics I know consume tons of Red Bull. I'm sure there's nothing healthy in there, but at least there's no alcohol.

Meeting laziness

I am so lazy with meetings this week, but really I've been busy. I helped a friend with some computer work today, and so missed my morning meeting. I skipped my night meeting, though, with no good excuse except I'm tired. I am sleeping or sleepy a lot. And tomorrow I have lunch with my cousin Diane, so I'm going to miss the meeting again.

I found a meeting in the city that's for dual-diagnosis people in recovery. I wonder what those meetings are like? It's on Thursday, so I think I'll try it out. I also found a club only a few subway stops from me, called the Unity Club. I'm going to head over there tomorrow and just hang out and go to meeting after meeting. It's easy to get there (according to the website), so we'll see how long I think I can stay. Maybe I'll find some folks to go to dinner with.

Is there a shopper's anonymous?

I am shopping. I know, I know; I'm unemployed and need to save my money. But I shopped today and yesterday. I bought a dress (40% off and on sale), a sweater (totally not on sale), 3 pair of shoes (all on sale), and a purse (on sale). So at least I'm responsibly shopping.

But I'm not drinking. I haven't had a drink today, which is a miracle, right? One day at a time.

I have to go to a meeting tonight, but I'm so tired and I just can't seem to get up the energy to want to go. I think I have time for a nap, so we'll see when I get up whether or not I can function. I think I'm getting a little depressed, but I feel manic. I'm sleeping a lot, and eating a lot, but I'm also shopping a lot and focusing on stuff like reading 10 books at a time. I'm reading that book Recovery which is really interesting. He talks about AA in a spiritual sense, and uses quotes from all religions. Maybe that's what I'll do instead of nap?

Compassion

Did you know that the word compassion means shared suffering? It's the idea of sharing another person's pain and suffering.

"Compassion is that which makes the heart of the good move at the pain of others. It crushes and destroys the pain of others; thus, it is called compassion. It is called compassion because it shelters and embraces the distressed. - The Buddha."

That's what we do in meetings. Even though there's no crosstalk (where you comment on other people's shares), just by the fact that people are sharing together their strengths and weaknesses, their hardships and happiness. We come together to share everything.

Part of our ability to be compassionate seems to come from the anonymity. You would think that you would be more compassionate, or able to identify with someone elses suffering when you are close to them, but many people say they feel closer to people in the program; they feel like they can share anything and still not feel judged.

Judgment is definitely not part of compassion. To judge someone is to alienate them by pronouncing your opinion. Often those that are closest to us try to "fix" things in our lives, or more pointedly, to control things. As we've talked about, control is something that can't be done, especially of other people's lives. So compassion is listening and experiencing without trying to control another.

AA gives you that. AA lets you share without judgment, and identify without trying to control the situation.

Bring us back to nature

"Forests -- and other natural, green settings -- can reduce stress, improve moods, reduce anger and aggressiveness and increase overall happiness."

Have you ever read Last Child in the Woods? It's a really incredible book about "nature deficit disorder" in which children of our "wired generation" who don't get enough exposure to the natural world end up with depression, obesity, anger, and more illnesses.

I remember as a kid my parents tried to use all of our vacation time to visit as many national parks as possible. We always camped (I didn't stay in more than 2 hotels until I was 20-something). I loved spending time in the woods. I would roam around and play with the clay ground, listen to the crickets late at night, and climb over rocks and streams. I always felt better in the woods. That's why I tried paganism once (but I just can't seem to shake Catholicism).

I believe we've all got nature deficit disorder. We don't get outside enough (as I'm typing in front of the tv...). We need to get back together with nature. To take our illnesses outside into the world. So grab your 12 and 12, grab your mental health books, and head outside into the sun, or if you prefer, the shade.

Unmanageable

Unmanageable. Life is unmanageable. But what is management?

To manage is to orchestrate something. "To continue to function, progress, or succeed, usually despite hardship or difficulty; get along." It's like the Big Book says, we try to be the director of the play of our lives. We take on the roles of scriptwriter, actor, manager. We believe that we have control over our lives, and that the things we do really can lead us to one thing or another, when we don't really have that option. We can do everything "right" and things can sometimes turn out in a different manner.

We have no control. Does this sound depressing? A little, maybe, but really, it's freeing. We don't have to control anything, because it's useless to try.

And this is where the freedom comes in. When we believe in a higher power, we can accept that it is in control, not us, so we can let go. We can stop stressing about the outcome of everything, because in the end, it's really not up to us. Instead, we can let go and be free.

Acceptance

Tathata is sort of the Buddhist equivalent to a higher power. Shapiro says in Recovery, "Tathata is the way things are at any given moment. Tathata is not static; it is changing, but changing at it's own pace."

Ahh, the pace of God. He does things slowly, or quickly, depending on your perspective of time. The promises of AA say that things may come to us quickly or slowly. We can not expect things to be done any other way. We have to come to grips with the fact that we are not in control. We are just waiting to hear from our higher power about what's happening, and then move to act on it.

We expect things to change instantly. I want a job, and I want it now. I want an apartment, and I want it now. You may want something to happen, and you want it last Thursday. But that's not the way life, or your higher power, works. We've got to wait, and not hurry up to wait like we do when we're racing through bumper to bumper traffic.

We need to accept things as they are at the moment. That's part of powerlessness. Acceptance. Probably the hardest thing to do. I know I'm having trouble with it. But once I do it, I feel free. I feel better. It's just a continual process of letting go.

I am powerless

"Fighting an addiction pits your will to resist a craving against your will to succumb to it. You are the addiction, and fighting the addiction is fighting yourself, and fighting yourself gets you nowhere." Rami Shapiro, Recovery

Powerlessness. You can't fight yourself. You can't fight against what's inside you. Instead, you need to accept powerlessness. "All we can do is work with what happens moment to moment." I have to stop fighting myself, and instead succumb to the fact that I am an addict. I am addicted to alcohol, cigarettes, food. I am addicted to love, to disaster. And instead of trying to control those facts, I have to just accept them, and accept life on life's terms.

Step one is one we need to come back to often. We need to continue to realize that we're powerless over our addictions. We can't control any of them. But we also need to realize that we can't control anything in life. We can't control the weather, other people, places, things, etc. We are completely powerless.

But that doesn't mean we have to give up. No, it's quite the opposite. The only thing we can do is accept this powerlessness, and continue to live our lives with that in mind.

Step three

"..for it God Who works in you to will and act according to His good purpose."
(Phil. 2:13)

God is really teaching me step three all over again. Let go and let God. Hand it all over to him. All this stuff with the job loss and the housing situation; it's not for me to worry about. I just need to relax and do as He asks of me. Let the situations speak for themselves.

Stick with the winners

As I left the retreat, Sister Bonnie said to me, "I know I'll see you back here. You can see it in your face: you want this. Stick with the winners."

I do want this. I want a better connection to my God. I want a better, drug free life (even cigarettes), I want to grow enough to help other people overcome their addictions. Maybe I should go back to school for social work or counseling. Addiction counseling would be interesting, but I would want some mental health training there, too. I bet the college of social work at my old university would take me. I could get a reference from my old therapist. What an interesting thing to think of.

I could even go back and get a master's in religion (I have my BA in religious studies), and do religious counseling. Maybe even one day lead a retreat like we just had: small, intimate groups. I hate big speaking events.

A change is in store. Let's see what it is.

Don't fear the reaper

"Don't fear meeting your God," says Sister Bonnie.

I fear death. I never did before, but I do now. I never really thought of death, but I always had a visceral reaction to it. I swear I cried more at my grandfather's funeral than my grandmother did. I was so hurt and afraid. I had no reason to be. He was a spiritual man, and would go to meet his maker. This I believe, as a Catholic, that we join our God in heaven.

I have no idea what it looks like, but there is something out there.

There was a woman at the retreat who had lymphoma 10 years ago. Three years ago she had breast cancer. Now, she has a tumor in her lung, her armpit, and her stomach. But she cried in gratitude for being sober, not in pain for the fact that she was dying. She was living her life, and feeling like she was giving her best to the life she had left in her. She was fighting death, but not afraid at all. She had a spiritual program, and a deep relationship with her higher power.

I need to work on not being afraid. I need to work on believing in my God, and His power to make things right. Death would be an opening to a world I have never known; a place the bible promises is beautiful and sweet. I believe in a hell, too, but as a Catholic I believe that my faith will save me from that disaster. As I get closer to God, I get closer to heaven.

Mazel Tov!

"This I must enjoy."

Whatever it is, wherever you are, you must enjoy it. You only get one life, so far as we know, and what's the point of wasting it fretting and wasting your life away?

I must enjoy being unemployed; not having the bills I used to have; being back home where I wanted to be. All things are going well! I know I have a Pollyanna view of life, but that's what keeps my life enjoyable. Even when I'm depressed, it's just a little harder to find the silver lining. But there is always a silver lining, a lesson to be learned, in your problems.

So this I must enjoy. This I must take with delight.

Word from Sister Bonnie

More thoughts from Bonnie:

Get off yourself and get onto something big.

The task ahead of us is never as great as the power behind us.

Don't get so involved that you lose yourself.

Put your sobriety ahead of other people's.

You have to be there for yourself, not others.

If the situation isn't going to change, you've got to; get on with your life.

AA = Awareness and acceptance

So I'm wrong, so what?

"I have a right to be right, and a right to be wrong."

Some people feel bad when they're right, and they prove other people wrong. I don't feel "bad" for being right, but sometimes I feel too "good" about it. I have too much pride in being right, that I'll make up answers just to sound smarter. Or someone will ask me if I've read a book and I'll say yes, even if I haven't. But when I am right, it's ok to feel good about it. I have that right.

And I have a right to be wrong. Sometimes I don't know the answer. I need to work on admitting that, and not having an answer for everything. It's ok if I'm wrong. I don't have to feel sorry, or feel bad, as long as it's not life threatening. My friend Amanda told me about her cold symptoms today, and I thought she had a sinus infection. She called the advice nurse, who told her it was just her cold going away, draining out. So I was wrong, but I don't feel bad about it. I want her to be healthy, and I was encouraging her to call the doctor anyway.

It's a little different when you have to admit you're wrong and it's embarrassing. That's where I have trouble admitting I'm wrong. I don't do well with shame; really, who does. I hate feeling like I'm ashamed of something I've said, or done. But actually, it's ok. I'm only human, and humans are wrong sometimes. I need to remember that.

His time, not mine

"The fact is, Jesus did command the ten lepers, 'Go show yourselves to the priests.' Why are the nice who did so criticized, while the one who seemingly disobeyed, by returning, is praised? One possibility is that the nine were all too ready to accept what Jesus, knowing their weakness, offered them" their old lives back. That's why they were sent to the priests: the priests would certify the cure, and then they could return home and have their old lives back. How often do we desire much the same when we are confronted by traumatic events, by sudden reversals of fortune, bu illness or advancing years? We want our old life back. Here is where we can learn from the Samaritan, from the one healed leper who returned and perceived that with Jesus, something more and something better was on offer than simply having his old life back. Who perceived that his old life was not intended, had never been intended, to b his final destination. Another adventure, a life of discipleship, beckoned.

How do I, as a Christian, respond to misfortune? By demanding to rewrite the script, or by looking to do God's will?" (Lect. 144 - Year C)

Wow. This really spoke to me. It was the reading at mass yesterday. The lepers said, by not returning to thank Jesus for removing their afflictions, "All I wanted was my old life back." But the Samaritan said, thank you, and can I do your will?

Sometimes I want my old life back. I want my car, my dog, my place, my friends. Everything has changed. I had a stable life, and I want that back. But that's not God's plan for me. God's plan is to teach me patience. The rest of it, I haven't quite figured out yet, but I know that His plan isn't necessarily MY plan. I have to learn what God's will for me is, and follow it with faith that everything will work out the way it's supposed to, and all in good time.

"Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but they will always materialize if we work for them."

The 12 rewards

There are 12 rewards of sobriety, according to Sister Bonnie:

Hope and faith, instead of despair.

Courage, instead of fear.

Peace of mind, instead of confusion.

Self respect, instead of contempt.

Self confidence, instead of helplessness.

Respect of others, instead of pity or contempt.

A clear conscience, instead of guilt.

Real friendship, instead of loneliness.

Love and understanding of family and friends, instead of their doubts and fears.

Freedom of living without the bondage of an unhealthy relationship.

Codependent no more

Sometimes the hardest part about being an alcoholic is letting go. Letting go of your co-dependency on people, especially. I know this is more of an Alanon thing, but I've met a whole lot of AA people with co-dependency issues. But we have to let go of other people.

"Letting go is not to care for, but to care about."

I always took care of my mom. I rescued her when she was lost. I spoke with her doctors and tried to solve her illness. I talked to her and tried to convince her to get treatment. But just like alcoholism, you can't go for other people. I had to let go and stop treating her like my child, and just care about her from a distance. Luckily, it didn't take a lot of time, but she did ask for help. And I was there to give it to her, on my terms, not to let her be dependent on me.

"Allow others to affect their destiny's."

You can't lead a horse to water, they say. Like letting go, you have to let people live their own lives. A nun I was speaking to said she used to teach at a Catholic university in the 60's when women were starting to get abortions. A priest said to her, "How can you work with these women? The church condemns abortion, yet you continue to support these women?" And she said, "It's not my choice to have an abortion. All I can do is make sure that whatever they decide, they are safe." You can't make others' choices for them. You have to let go.

"To let go is to fear less, and love more."

Like the Lord

Sister Bonnie said, "Don't crucify yourself between two thieves: the regrets of yesterday, and the fear of tomorrow."

I never realized I had so many regrets until I started doing my fourth step. There are so many things that hold me back, because they take up so much of my brain and my time to think about. I think about them before I make moves, which is good, because sometimes it keeps me out of trouble, but sometimes it makes me fearful of moving forward. Life is change; life is forward movement. You have to keep moving, always. So don't regret the past, but don't wish to shut the door on it, either.

Ah, the fear of tomorrow. I've been having a lot of that lately. What is going to happen to me? Will I remain unemployed for a long time? Will I get this part time job? What if I do? What will happen then? Will I find a place of my own anytime soon? There is so much "unknown" out there right now, and I'm afraid of it. But I know about moving forward, and I can't be complacent.

So don't crucify yourself between your fears and your regrets. There is no place in sobriety or emotional sobriety for paralysis because of these things. You have to grow and move on in order to experience life, but don't throw away these things either. Learn from them.

Women's Retreat

Had a great women's retreat this weekend in the city. I met a ton of really great women, and had some inspirational moments. I'll share some with you in the next couple of posts.

The retreat was at a nunnery in the city, in a nice wooded area near a university. There were 5 nuns still living there, and a nun who is in the program led the sessions. She was hilarious and genius. Her name is Sister Bonnie, and I recommend her if you're having a retreat any time soon.

We had small sessions, and AA meetings, and conference meetings from the retreat director. It really was a wonderful time, and I got to hang out with some nuns.

I love nuns. They radiate peacefulness, and you can always tell a nun a mile away. They just give off this special aura. A nun once said to me, "If you don't question your religion, you're not a good Catholic." I believe it. It was nice to sit in chapel and repeat all the prayers I learned as a child, and I just avoided the one phrase I hate, "It is right to give Him thanks and praise." I just hate that it says it is right. It seems like all others must be wrong if that's right. So now I just don't say it. Ok, on to the good stuff.