The fizzing makes me crazy

Sometimes the sound of a Coke can fizzing makes me crazy. One time while I was on LSD, I started hearing the sound of a Coke fizzing. It was the only thing in my head. It made me super paranoid, like I couldn't hear anything anyone was saying over the noise. So when I open a Coke can now and can hear the bubbles, it just takes me back there. It makes me nervous that I won't be able to get it out of my head anymore.

I haven't been thinking about coke or other drugs lately. In fact, I've been pretty sober, besides the fact that I'm shopping and can't seem to stop eating candy. But it's just that time of the year. I still fit in my pants, which is a good gauge of insanity.

Running away

Well, I'm off to go run that half marathon I'm totally not prepared for. I haven't been running, and I'm still kind of injured from a few months ago. My foot just has an ache to it that won't go away. It's probably not great that I've been wearing heels to go to interviews, but such is the price of beauty.

Other than being nervous, it will be good to go back cross-country. I can't wait to see all my friends. I've missed them so much! Unfortunately, or fortunately, I'm coming home with a lot of stuff I didn't pack. I have a whole bag of goalie gear that arrived after I left, and a new computer from Michael. He rebuilt an old one for me, cause this one is developing issues. It's old, but I love this computer. I hate traveling with baggage, though.

I suppose everywhere you go you go with baggage.

Insulin rocks the brain

"Defects in insulin function -- which occur in diabetes and obesity -- could directly contribute to psychiatric disorders like schizophrenia."

Interesting! So besides the usual suspects like dopamine and serotonin, your insulin levels might have something to do with your mental illness. I wonder if there is a higher incidence of diabetes in people with mood disorders?

"We know that people with diabetes have an increased incidence of mood and other psychiatric disorders." And there it is! But diabetes alone can increase mood swings. Apparently insulin has a lot to do with mood.

So why is it that a lot of the drugs we take to make us less crazy actually cause diabetes? I have to get tested every 6 months because the lamictal can cause it. So is it helping my mood swings to take medication that may mess with my insulin? There's so much about our bodies that we just don't know, and yet we keep pouring chemicals into them in hopes that something will work out. In fact, we're all just test mice.

Nature and nurture

Stress can cause psychiatric disorders later in life, they think.

"'Previous studies have shown that kids from at-risk families are at higher risk of having a psychiatric disorder in their lifetime,' says Ellenbogen. 'We know that they're not just inheriting these traits but they are also being raised in environment that is stressful, chaotic and lacking in structure.'"

So is it nature, or nurture, or both? Genes, as we've seen, play a big part in whether or not you have a tendency towards psychiatric disorders, but living in stress seems to be the trigger that starts the whole process. I don't know about you, but I had enough stress in my life to set off whatever genetic issues I may have had.

So can you provide a supportive, stress-free environment for your kids? No. At least, I can't think of any way to do it. Life is stress. There's no escaping the fact that life is hard, even when you have the "perfect" family, there's always something else going on out there. Kids get bullied, some are just hard-wired for stress anyway. So can you avoid getting an illness if you're genetically predisposed? It sure doesn't sound like it.

Give it up

"Through believing that a Higher Power can help, a man or a woman formerly eaten up with raging fear, anger, shame, doubt, guilt, and frustration may become calm and begin to grow spiritually by focusing on doing some simple steps, going to meetings, reading the Big Book, and talking to a sponsor."

Ah, those seven deadly sins. The fear, and anger, shame, doubt, etc. And frustration. My therapist and I were talking this afternoon about being in limbo. You're in that state where you're grieving over the past, looking to a bright future, but in neither of them. I feel like I'm there now. I've got that fear of the unknown, the shame in getting fired, anger at my situation, and doubt that it will all turn out ok. I'm trying to be really positive now about getting the right position, or getting a position in general. I'm trying to offer it up again: let go and let God.

I haven't been very good about that lately. I've been trying to just be peaceful about this whole process and try not to control it, but it's so hard to do! I need to just say, "God, this is all in your hands." So I'm waiting and hoping that the more I turn it over, the more I'll realize the promises. Things will get better once I hand it over.

Building a social network

My therapist thinks it's important for me to start building a social network. She's right, you know. I only really have Adam, as my other close friend is really busy raising a child. I have some AA people, but I don't hang out with them, I just go to meetings. I suppose I should make more friends in AA and have them actually be "friends."

It's hard, though, because I don't know where I'll be living. I'm not sure yet, so it puts me in limbo with a lot of things. I don't know where to register my car, or start going to regular meetings, or make friends.

Sometimes it's nice to make friends at work, so that will be a pool I can mine. I do think AA will be helpful. It's hard now, because I don't want to rely on Adam too much. He's got his own life, and I don't want to be needy or anything. But I do enjoy talking with him. He's a smart and funny cat.

I miss my puppy

Got to see my puppy along with the plant drop-off. I miss my dog a lot. He's a sweetheart, and he makes me happy. I've been looking at a lot of apartments around the area, and the cheaper ones are of course no pets. I think it's important to have my dog around, even if it's only on the weekends.

Sometimes I can't believe I'm sober. I think this whole process of job hunting is incredibly easier to do when sober. I'm not waking up confused and foggy anymore, and it's easier to answer questions clearly. I passed one of my old haunts yesterday, my dive bar, and today I passed the fancy restaurant my gay boyfriend used to take me to. It's his favorite place, and we always ended up with three bottles of wine, or so, even after we'd been out all night.

It was funny to pass by and not have been there. He called the other day and said he had to look up online what to do with a sober friend. Apparently, "it's take you to a park or read the bible." He cracks me up.

A little more like home

My mom is bringing my plants over today. It was supposed to frost last night (it's damn cold here!), and so I asked her to take them in from outside. I have more room in here than she does, so they're coming over.

Having my plants will make it feel a little more like I'm home. I love tending to living things, and not having my dog is a little sad. It will be nice to have something that reminds me of having my own apartment.

I had another interview this morning, with a place that I would like to work for. The interviewers seemed nice, and perfectionists, which will inspire me to do my best and not slack off, which I have a tendency to do when I'm bored. It is a position almost identical to what I did before, but should be busier because they have a more expanded mission. There's a little admin work, but it's just the basics like filing, which is fine by me. Easy enough. It's closer to here, too, but I would eventually move into the city to be closer. In the meantime, it will work.

I think I would stay here until January to save a little money. I really want my own place, but saving money is really important.

Can you interview for sleep?

I have an interview tomorrow, but I feel insomnia coming on. I did take a 2 hour nap today after my other interview, but I really should get some sleep.

I applied for 3 new jobs today, and an hour later I got a response from one of them asking me to have an interview on Friday. I'll be across the country, but I'll be in the car driving to the site of the marathon, so it might just be perfect timing. It's a really great organization, and a perfect position for me, but they have the reputation of a place that chews people up and spits them out. I hope it's not that way anymore. It would be nice to work there. I know they have really great benefits, and the position is just what I want to be doing.

So it's time to go to sleep.

My way or the highway? Nah

The other night Adam mentioned to me that his therapist and sponsor said he's ready to date again. I didn't say anything, and just let it hang in the air. I didn't know what to say. I obviously want him to date me, not anyone else, and he wouldn't think about it until I've hit a year sober, anyway.

I was talking to Jennifer tonight, and she said how unfair it was of him to mention that. What am I supposed to do, be happy for him? Encourage him to date? She thinks I need to talk to him and remind him how I feel about him, and talk about how it would be difficult for me to watch him date.

But would it be difficult? Yeah. I think it would be a bit of a slap in the face if he started dating someone before I even get the chance to try, but he's his own person, and he's welcome to live his own life. I would get over it. If he makes a statement about wanting to date other people, and not me, then I would have to sit down with myself and make sure I can stay friends with him without hurting myself. I would have to get over him once and for all.

I'm pretty sure I can do it. Sure, I love him and want to be the one to be with him, but if I'm not, that's ok. I love him as a friend enough to want what he thinks is best for him. I would support his decisions. So it might take me some time, and a little heartache, but I think I could handle it. Therapy would help, too.

It's so long in between

You know, it's just silly to start smoking again every morning. I usually stop smoking at 8pm every night, because it's the last excuse I can think of. And then I get up at noon sometimes. If I do that, that's almost all the way to 24 hours without a cigarette. It doesn't make sense for me to then break that fast by smoking once I get the first chance.

It's 6 now, and I haven't had a cigarette since 1pm. If I don't make any excuses tonight, my next chance will be at 8am tomorrow on the way to another interview.

I just bought more cigarettes, though. Maybe I'll stop and just hold on to the pack in case I think about cutting again. I haven't thought about it when I've been sitting here not smoking.

Jesus, now I really want one.

Oh, sleep

"Results show that extroverts who were exposed to 12 hours of social interaction were more vulnerable to subsequent sleep deprivation than those who were exposed to an identical period of isolated activity."

I hate going out at night. I usually end up staying up way too late when I get home. I just feel overwhelmed by the energy. I get a lot of energy from hanging out in crowds, some nervous energy, some because I'm an extrovert.

I didn't used to be an extrovert. I was, I think, when I was younger, and I've never been afraid of anything (except cockroaches and silverfish, but not "afraid" just creeped out). I went through a period of really low self-esteem where I was a crazy introvert for a while. But I do have a bubbly kind of personality, and I think I attract interesting people by being outgoing.

So maybe in order to sleep what I need to do is slow down from maybe 9pm on. Just calm down and not go to meetings or hang out with other people. Turn off the tv and read. Maybe that will help.

It's not a mistake

Adam called last night. He's a little stressed out with work, and it's totally understandable. He's really under appreciated in his position, and I think the company takes advantage of him. He's getting better at standing up for himself, and it sounds like he's going to get the opportunity to show off his skills even more now.

He bothers me sometimes. He said the other day when we took a nap together was a mistake. I don't like that he worded it that way. I don't think it was a mistake - it's not like we made out or anything. He's my closest friend, and I think it's ok. Like I said before, I didn't take it as, "Oh, he likes me!" It was just a nice time to cuddle a little bit, and man was I tired.

I've been so tired lately. I think it's from lack of a schedule. I don't get up or go to bed at the same time anymore, and sometimes I nap during the day. I would like to get on a schedule, and I set my alarm for the same time every day, but I mostly ignore it. I've got to start sleeping through the night, too.

On the job front

Had another interview this morning. A nice company, and someone who seems like a nice boss, though a little hyperactive and chatty. The only problem is it would be a step back for me. I don't think I would take it, as it also has some of the qualities I've hated in other jobs. A lot of database work and administrative tasks, which are so boring. And arranging travel.

At my first job I arranged travel for my boss and his boss, and I was told never to do it again. I tried to save the company money despite the fact that the flights were at annoying times from far airports. What? Saving money is a big thing for me. So arranging travel again just makes me not want to take the job. They wouldn't be ready to offer anything until Thanksgiving, anyway, and hopefully I'll have some other offers in by then.

I have another interview tomorrow, and it looks so far like the second one on my list. It's a manager position, which is something I would like to continue doing. It looks like a good match, but we'll see tomorrow.

I'm a statistic

"Prior research has consistently found associations between psychiatric conditions (e.g., depression, bipolar disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder [PTSD], schizophrenia and alcohol and/or drug use disorders) and risk of fatal and non-fatal suicide attempts."

Mostly a duh kind of statement, but interesting that women with substance abuse problems are at a higher risk of suicide. I wonder if part of it is the mind altering or depressive qualities of alcohol and drugs.

I hate to think that I'm a statistic. Drunk, bipolar woman tries to commit suicide. I'm on a list somewhere as a statistic. Boo.

Lies!

Oh, Mr. Sponsor Pants, sometimes you are speaking to me. Lies are always bad. Really. It's never as bad as you think it's going to be when you tell the truth. Often, we lie because we don't have faith in other people to handle things. You can't make decisions for others, and you can't know how they will react unless they know the truth of the situation. Lies of omission count, too. They're still lies.

I do it all the time, though. I try to protect myself by keeping everything smooth - not telling the whole truth because it might upset someone, or someone might get mad at me for something.

I've been lying to my sponsor all week. I haven't been to a meeting since Thursday when I saw her last. She asks every day if I've been or am going, and I lie and say yes. I old her bluntly this morning that I was going to hit a meeting tonight, when I had no intention of actually doing it. I know, I know, I feel better when I go to meetings, but I'm just so damn lazy. Not that it's really far away or anything, but I get stuck on this damn couch and just don't move.

It's kind of ridiculous. She's an adult, she can handle the truth. I know it will get me in trouble, and she won't like it, but why am I afraid of a 100 lb girl? Just because I told her I'd do something and I didn't? You bet I am. So I need to be honest from now on, and that starts with going to a meeting tonight.

St. Martin, patron saint of drunks

This is fascinating. Today is All Saints day in the Catholic church, recognizing all who are saints in name and those who we don't know about. It's a feast day, and is recognized in Mexico and South America as Dias de los Muertos (hope I got that right), or day(s) of the dead. Tomorrow is All Souls day, the other dias, where we celebrate all who are waiting in purgatory for the day that God comes back to judge us all and we go to heaven or hell. Purgatory deserves it's own post, if you're not Catholic.

There is a patron saint of alcoholism and reformed alcoholics. He's Saint Martin of Tours. His saint day (celebration day) is November 11, which is coming up. I would think all Catholics in AA should know this date, and have a medal of St. Martin.

St. Martin also has a spot on the road to Santiago de Compostela, the most wonderful pilgrimage site from France to Spain. It's a long, but walkable road where pilgrims travel, relying on the kindness of strangers to get them through. My friend Carrie and I wanted to do it a few years ago, but it takes a few weeks to do, and we couldn't get the time off. Now that we're both unemployed, maybe we can make it work. But not in the winter. I would like to go there, though. Especially now that I have another patron saint to visit.

Alcohol is the most dangerous drug

Thanks to Guinevere for this:

According to a new study in England,"Alcohol is the most dangerous drug in the UK by a considerable margin, beating heroin and crack cocaine into second and third place...."

"It examines nine categories of harm that drugs can do to the individual "from death to damage to mental functioning and loss of relationships" and seven types of harm to others."

Alcohol can cause all sorts of problems, as we've seen in other posts and articles, from liver death to dementia, to relationship issues and violence. It really is an amazing "drug." I suppose that doesn't need to be in quotations, but I still don't think of it as a drug. I guess it really is, though.

That's why I think AA is so helpful. You're not only solving the health issues, but just not drinking, but you're helping to solve the other issues that go along with drinking: failed relationships, job issues, financial instability, etc. It's tough just to deal with the drug and not all of the issues it represents.

My sponsor and I were talking about quitting smoking (she tries all the time), and I told her I cut when I quit. She reminded me that we're still crazy, the alcohol is just gone. And that's what the steps are there for: to help you get over the crazy and live a normal life. So stopping drinking isn't the answer, it's just the first step.

Obsessiveness haunts me

Bought the more practical, less expensive shoes. I hate that I just get a compulsion and have to follow it through. You ever get those? Like when your brain says, "Time to do something," and then you can't think of anything else until you get that one thing done. Like sometimes I just start thinking about shoes, and then I think of a pair I want, no, NEED, and then I can't stop thinking about them until I buy them. The obsession will not be lifted!

Luckily, I haven't had that problem with drinking, since I quit drinking. That used to be the way I drank. Have one, and then obsess about the next one until I was done drinking everything I could get my hands on: the bar was closed or so was the liquor store. Since I quit drinking, I haven't had to obsess over a beer or a glass of wine. I mean, once or twice I'll be looking at someone elses glass and think, "I could just take one sip...." But I never do, and I can get it out of my mind. I think it might just be practice.

So maybe that will work with shopping and smoking, too. Just don't take that first step. Don't smoke. Don't go looking for new shoes, and you won't find a pair you like. But for now, I have a really cute pair of boots coming.

Mmmm, pumpkin bread

So instead of buying boots, I went out and bought candy and the mixings for pumpkin bread. It's in the oven right now - three loaves. One for my cousin's downstairs, one for my dad's not-really-girlfriend-but-I-want-her-to-be upstairs, and one for us. I also stuck the candy in a bowl outside just in case the kids come to our floor. Some people in the building give out candy, and we just didn't get on the list in time (cause I found out there was one about an hour ago). It's starting to smell like fall in here, and feel like it outside. Plus, we're watching football. I'm feeling better already.

Now, for a costume....

Boot season

I'm slowly convincing myself I need new boots. No, not just any boot: I have lots of boots. Tall boots, booties, ankle boots, mid-calf boots, brown boots, grey boots, red boots... but I don't have a good pair of tall black boots. I mean, I have two pair, yes, but one is high HIGH heel and really uncomfortable, and one is really comfy but let's water in when it rains. I need something I can wear in the snow on my way to work, but keep on at work because they're cute.

So here's my dilemma: One pair of boots are cute, expensive, and I don't know how the heel is on snow. The other are cheap, still cute, and with rubber soles. But the more expensive ones are, of course, cuter.



See? The others aren't as cute:



What to do, what to do. How about not spend ANY money? It's just not going to happen.

Happy Halloween!

Didn't dress up this year. I did carve that pumpkin (I put on a demonic reindeer and a Santa hat, but it just looks like modern art), and I did say some prayers for the dead. I should go get some stuff and make pumpkin bread or something for tonight.

It sucks not celebrating one of my favorite season openers. I just love the holiday season, and I hope this isn't indicative of how the rest of the season is going to go. I love fall. Come on, fall, love me.

I should quit while I'm ahead

Annnnnd... now I'm eating too much. What's up with my dopamine? I thought my drugs had a big half-life. Or it could be that the last time I ate was at 5 and it's midnight. I could just be hungry. But I'm paranoid and live by the DSM. Sigh.

I wish I could stop spending so much money, eating so much, ignoring my running, smoking cigarettes. I suppose to have things wrong with me these aren't horrible, besides the smoking. Smoking sucks. My dad caught me again. My friends drunk dialed me and passed the phone around, and I went to talk to them on the porch to smoke a cigarette. Apparently while I was outside my dad came home. He just smirked at me when I came back in. Sigh.

And I know the shopping will make me feel better for a minute once I get the package, but it's all the same. Feel better, wear it, feel better, stuff it in closet with the rest of the clothes, shop more. And I'm running out of hangars. Sigh.