Down in the dumps

Made it out of bed by 2 and out of the house to watch the elephants and circus parade into town with the 2 year-old nephew. It was a short parade, but he was really excited about it. Then off to therapy. "It sounds like general apathy," she said. "Let's call the doc. Maybe we can get you on some different meds." Yes. Perhaps it's time. I just feel - blah. I don't care about anything. Nothing is giving me pleasure. There's no reason to get up out of bed or get dressed. I just feel ick. And it's gorgeous outside; everything is blooming and the sun is out. And I don't care. I'd rather be asleep.

I called the doc on the way home and left a rambling message. "I think I feel worse. I can't get out of bed. Here's my number." I don't know if it made any sense or if she'll even know who's calling. I hope I don't have to go in again, cause it's $85 every time. I'm sick of spending all my money on face time with the doctor and nothing is coming from it. "You were such a bright spirit in October, so full of life," said Julie. And look what's happened? Now I've lost interest in everything. I'm only writing this blog post so you don't think I'm dead. I can't even be bothered to read the news and find interesting links for you. Jesus, I bore even me.

So let's hope the doc comes through with some med changes. Something that works. Apparently Celexa does not.

The rest of the day

My dad came in at 8 and told me I had to get up. "Why are you still in bed?" Well, "I'm depressed and there's nothing to do." But he made me get up. Tomorrow he's making me go out into the world to see the circus parade into town. I am against circuses for a lot of reasons (scary clowns are the least of their worries) but I suppose I have no choice. He's made it so I have to help my cousin with her 2 little kids. I do not have the energy for little kids. I'll take the newborn.

I have done jack since I got up. Well, that's not true. I booked a flight out to the other coast for a wedding in June, complete with hotel and car rental. When I lived out there I flew back here 8 times in one year for weddings and stuff. Now, I've got 4 trips booked back there. I should just move to the middle and save on airfare. Though I do love to travel. I have a flight booked every month till June. Will be good to get out of the house and do other things.

I don't know if it's just my life is getting to me or the meds aren't working. I don't know if I should call the doc or not. I mean, my life sucks and has no structure, so it's easy to be depressed. I don't have to get out of my pjs if I don't feel like it. And I don't. I hate feeling this way. I need something to do with myself. Like a damn job.

Sleep is my friend

I can't even get out of bed. My mouse on my computer stopped working (it's built in) and so I'm having issues using the computer. It's just one button, but it's amazing how often you rely on the buttons for things. Michael just built this computer for me a few months ago, so it's frustrating that already something isn't working.

So I don't even want to play on the computer because it annoys me. I don't see the point in getting dressed, either. I don't have to leave the house till 5pm tomorrow for therapy, so why get dressed? Why dirty some clothes? Reminds me, I need to do laundry. Ugh. I don't feel like it.

I think I'm going to go back to bed.