Vitamin D makes the blues go away

My therapist suggested that I start taking vitamin D for depression, especially in winter. I don't have seasonal affective disorder, I just get sad all the time anyway. But vitamin D does a lot for your system.

"Researchers are discovering that D also promotes normal cell growth and differentiation throughout the body, working as a key factor in maintaining hormonal balance and a healthy immune system....What’s more, evidence from studies tracking the prevalence of disease by geography and nationality shows clear links between vitamin D deficiency and obesity, insulin resistance, heart disease, certain cancers, and depression."

People all seem to have a vitamin D deficiency. Maybe it explains a lot of things like the diseases listed above. So should I start taking vitamin D? It is a hormone, not a vitamin, so will it interfere with the other drugs I'm taking? Will it do me any good? My therapist says you can tell a difference right away. I suppose I might as well give it a shot.

Alignment

"The Law of Sobriety says that your values must be in line with your true essence if you want to resonate the positive energy it will take to attract everything in life that you desire. That means you stop doing things that make you feel guilty--because if you are feeling guilty, you're not acting in accordance with your values. In sobriety, you have the freedom to live by your values. Your addiction doesn't run your life--you do."

One thing I've been hearing a lot lately is you have to stop lying. You have to stop doing things that create resentments or reasons to make amends. I really have a problem with letting people get close to me. I keep them away by lying or being surly.

I'm a surly person. I'm really nice to everyone, but I can have a temper when someone annoys me. I get irritated and touchy. I do it at work, I do it in friendships. It makes me feel really guilty, though. I hate it when I get mad. I used to cry when I got mad, and that annoyed the hell out of me. I couldn't just get mad and be mad, I would have to cry and my face would get red.

Now, I'm just mean. So does AA mean that I'll start being better about this? If my values are in line with my true essence, then will I stop acting like a child when I'm upset? Will I stop acting like this and making myself feel guilty?

And how do I align myself with my values? What are my values? I don't want to be like this. I want to be a better person, a person people want to hang out around. Someone who doesn't lose their temper and act like a big baby. I suppose it's time to figure out who I really want to be.

Drugs and pregnancy

I've always wondered whether or not to have kids. I think I would like to have kids, but I also think if it never happens it won't be the end of the world. I'm kind of in the middle of it. But one of the big concerns I have is as a bipolar woman whether or not I should have kids, and whether or not I should stay on medications.

Beyond Blue had a little interesting article on this topic this morning. It's not a yes or no statement, really. Taking medication is a decision you take on with your doctor and your partner. It's something that can work for one person, and maybe not for another.

Scientists can't ethically test drugs on pregnant women, so there isn't a lot of information out there about the effects of drugs on a developing fetus. But there is a lot of anecdotal information. Think about when you go off your drugs now. What happens? You get manic, or depressed. Now add the wild card of pregnancy hormones and you have a lot of risk factors for a relapse.

So is it more important to you to be stable through your pregnancy and risk the side effects, or make sure there are no side effects from drugs and risk a relapse? One of the things the article reminds you of is the fact that when you're manic or depressed you're more likely to take actions that may put a pregnancy at risk; like driving erratically, missing appointments, drinking and smoking, etc.

It's a choice every woman has to make, and there is no right answer. You just have to weigh the pros and cons as you understand them, and go for it. It's all a crap shoot.

Smokey smokey

Ok, this is both hilarious and horrible. The FDA is putting those pictures on cigarettes now to discourage people from smoking. Take a look at the pictures. Corpses, really guys?

We've talked about this before, here. Would this really discourage people? It's so outrageous that I think it will just make people ignore the packs after a while. Sure, it might be good to discourage people who don't smoke, like kids, but anyone who still smokes isn't going to stop just because they get a visual reminder of what they're doing to their bodies.

I just finished a pack, and don't have cigarettes on reserve. I'm thinking I won't buy another pack. I know last time it made me crazy, but I'm hoping that now that I'm back on a running kick I'll be able to do something constructive with that energy. I keep thinking of quitting, anyway. I feel more winded lately. I don't like the feeling I have in the morning, either, of tightness of chest.

So we'll see how long this time lasts. Let's hope I can make it a week. After a week it gets better.

Obsession

"Obsession is a lie you tell yourself."

I get obsessed all the time. I focus on something I want, or just something, and make it the focal point of my dreams and day dreams. I think about it all the time and plan to make things happen. I plan my future around these things.

I need to stop doing that. These things I "want" aren't reality. I need to not plan around them, or even for them. It's like this whole job thing. The other day my mom told me I need to plan to be here with my dad for at least a year. That just kills me. I planned to be here three months, tops, but what if I don't get a job this round? I already had one place let me know they went with another candidate. What if that happens with all the places I interviewed? I can't just focus on maybe getting a job this time around. It might take me a year.

All I want is a place of my own and a schedule. I want to have to wake up in the morning, instead of forcing myself to get out of bed simply because it's daytime. I want to have something to do. I need money. I'm slowly draining my reserves (getting tattoos isn't helping, neither is the shopping) and I don't have a lot of money coming in. Whoever says people purposefully live on unemployment is full of shit. You can't live off this stuff without help.

And my obsession with Adam. Who am I to know what will come of it. Sometimes I dream that he'll just kiss me, but even I know that's not his way. He just wouldn't do it, so it's unrealistic to think of that. And do I really want him or is it just an obsession? I do love him, but do I love him more as a friend? I don't know. I've just been in love with him so long that I don't know what's real anymore.

What a trip

Had a great trip, which is why I wasn't on here at all. I got my gigantic tattoo done, and starting planning the next one with my artist. I ran the half marathon in pretty good time, and didn't manage to hurt myself or die, which is a miracle.

It was really nice to see everyone. I got to hang out with the girls two nights in a row, and just talk about everything. Michael and I spent a lot of time together (the marathon was a 6 hour drive away), and amazingly didn't get sick of each other. We travel pretty well together, anyway. We drank a lot of diet Coke (he's a fiend). I asked him if he wanted to drink, drink, and he said he really had no interest. I guess I was the instigator.

I miss them all already, but I'll be back there in the beginning of the month.

Drop the rocks

We carry around so much baggage with us, and surround ourselves with issues that push people away. I heard someone talk tonight about how she never wanted to be with people; how it made her so nervous that she would rather be alone and drink. But then through AA she discovered the truth: you have to drop the rocks.

I've got to let a lot of stuff go. I keep hiding behind lies and mistruths. I keep lying to my sponsor about going to meetings. She asks, "Have you been to a meeting?" And I always say yes, or I'm going to go, even when I have no intention at all of going. Adam thinks I hate AA around here and wish I could go back to the old AA I knew. He's kind of right, but kind of wrong. I don't HATE AA here, I just don't like it as much.

Everything is different, which is fine, since I like different, but it's more intense. Everything in this town is more intense. People just live like that here, so I need to get back into that level of grind. I'm just not there yet. I'm not all "gung-ho" AA lady.

Sure, I've thought of going rogue; going on to just be sober on my own and not have to have a sponsor. But when I think about it, that's the road to a drink. I like AA. I like the steps, I like going to meetings, I like the literature. I suppose I just haven't found my niche yet. I've met some good people, but no one I think will be my friend.

That's another thing. It's nice to meet people, but I just am weary. I don't want to have friends based on just the fact that we're both sober. I don't want to sit around with someone and talk about sobriety all the time, which is what everyone seems to do. It's getting on my nerves.

They tell you to change everything, and a lot of times I hear people say your past friendships are all built on alcohol. Well, I think that's b.s., or at least it is for me. My friendships have lasted these 5 months of sobriety, and actually grown stronger because I'm able to think about them and not just myself. I want to, and will keep these friendships. I don't like when my sponsor gets all weird when I talk about hanging out with friends she doesn't know.

Maybe it's my sponsor who I don't like. She's nice, and we've moved me back to step 4, which is where I was before I left, but she is gung-ho AA. She got sober when she was 20, so this is all she's ever known. This is where her life is. AA is not my life. It will never be my life. It will be a part of my life, and an important part, but not the center of my living.

I know Adam will hate that. He thinks AA should come first before everything. If it works for him, that's great, but I really think people are more important than theory. It's like I wouldn't put my religion first. I believe in God, and I believe in AA, but they are things, not people. I'm not going to let someone get in between me and sobriety, no, which may be his take, but I'm also not going to let AA take over my life.

I'm rambling.