Keep coming back

So I admitted to the room tonight just how lazy I've been all week about going to meetings, and that I only came cause I thought the secretary was going to yell at me for not coming - and she's on vacation! But I went, and I feel better.

There was a guy there who had 5 days, and man did he smell like booze. It's his second time around, but he said he's happy to be back, and really serious this time. I hope to see him again around the rooms.

The speaker was quiet, but had a lot to say. She has been working her program for 24 years, and spoke about how she wasn't really raising her kids before she got here. Her 5 year old used to change the baby's diaper because she just couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I'm glad that, if I stay with this program, I'll never have to say that of my children. They'll never have to see me so drunk I can't bother to feed them or take care of them.

I'm glad I don't come from an alcoholic family. Both my parents abstain, for different reasons. Although living with a borderline is like living with alcoholism, my mom was always able to feed me and keep a roof over my head. Well, I suppose that was all my dad, but my mom was still able to be there, most of the time. My dad is a rock. He's never been drunk or unstable in any way, shape, or form, and I'm grateful every day for his steady influence.

So maybe one day I can be that steady influence for someone else. If I keep working at this program, I'll be amazed before I am halfway through, they say. I'll have a life better than I could have imagined, and the capacity to be there for those I love, and those alcoholics who have and haven't found these rooms.

Struggling with bipolar disorder? Look no further

I really like this blog, Struggling with the Elephant in the Room. Dave just got diagnosed bipolar, and he sounds like he's having a bit of trouble with it.

When I was first diagnosed I was totally confused. What the hell does that mean? I did so much research and read a lot of great books - especially Kay Redfield Jamison's books and others on people with mental illnesses. It gave me perspective in to the disease and the life people can lead with it. It is a full life, with just a tiny bit more obstacles than the rest of the world.

As bipolar's we tend to blow this thing out of proportion. Everything is drama! Woe is me! But it's really not that bad. Bipolar hasn't prevented me from doing anything I want to do, it just gets in the way sometimes of the everyday. Sometimes you're too depressed to move, but that's what sick days are for. After that, it really is the power of positive thinking (take a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy class and that's what you get out of it). "I can beat this. I can get up." And then you just do it. You learn how to just do it anyway, even when you feel like you just can't go on.

And another important thing is to 1)always take your meds as prescribed and 2) watch yourself. Learn what the early symptoms of an episode are, and get your friends to watch you as well. When you can catch it early, it's much easier to call your doctor and let them know you're headed one way or another. Your doc and your therapist need to know what's going on with you - always be honest with them. Always.

You will be ok. Just know that now. It's never as dark as it may seem. You will overcome the initial hesitance to deal with it, and it just becomes second-hand nature to watch your moods and report to the people who are there to help you deal. Take advantage of all the mental health community has to offer, and read books. The more you know, the better.

Lazy river take me away

I'm feeling really lazy this week. I think I'm down off my manic high and back to low-level depression. I just need to sleep. I can't seem to get off my ass and do anything, especially at work.

This also translates to a laziness with meetings. I've been to one a night this week, but tonight I just don't feel like going. It's a great speaker meeting, and my friend is the secretary, so I kind of feel obligated. I've got half an hour to decide, but man, all I want to do is go to bed. I'm just so tired!

This weekend is going to be super busy, too. I won't get to sleep in at all. I'm helping Amanda move, and then Michael is having a bbq. Sunday I'll try running on this hurt foot again for the first time in weeks. Man are my pants tight. I've got to stop eating so much, which is also the depression. Again, time to call the doc.

Your cycle and your addictions

More great news:

"Women may be uniquely vulnerable to substance abuse and its effects, because female sex hormones affect the brain’s reward circuitry, influencing women’s response to drugs....Scientists noticed that women more quickly escalate to heavy drug use and more readily succumb to the accompanying social and physical damage."

Women are more likely to succumb to the accompanying social and physical damage because we get more of a high from substances than men do. It's, again, all about the body chemistry. The article says that when progesterone levels are high in women it is easier for them to quit because the high is less than when our estrogen levels are up.

"...asked half of 202 female smokers to try to quit during the second part of their cycles—when progesterone levels are high—and the others to make the attempt earlier in their cycles. The results were stunning: 34 percent of the women in the first group had not smoked 30 days later as compared with only 14 percent of those who tried to stop smoking when progesterone levels were low. 'When women are smoking early in their cycle, they’re getting more of a kick from their nicotine, more pleasure maybe, so it might be harder to quit,'"

So a key to quitting may be to watch your cycle. Or, birth control has a lot of both hormones in it. I wonder if the heavy progesterone brands would also work as an aid to quitting substances. When I quit alcohol, I was in the part of the cycle where estrogen levels were low, which I assume is what made it easier to stop suddenly. When I tried to quit smoking, I was in the opposite end of the cycle, which is presumably what made it so hard. So watching where I am might be the key to quitting.

AA keeps um coming back

AA celebrates 75 years this year. That's thousands, perhaps millions of lives changed by a simple program with a simple message: just don't drink. Apparently the longer you stay in AA, the better chance you have at not drinking.

"...a 2006 study published in Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research followed 349 drinkers over five years. And scientists found that success rates correlated with the frequency and length of A.A. attendance.

Of those who dropped out of A.A. after the first year, only 43 percent were still sober at year five. Of those who went to 60 meetings a year, 73 percent continued to abstain. And 79 percent of those who attended 200 meetings annually had gone into remission by year five. Maybe most surprising, is that 61 percent of those who attended 200 meetings in their first year but dropped down to six meetings in year five, were still able to stay dry."

60 meetings a year is a little over one a week. I wonder what would happen if people attended 104 meetings a year, or two a week? Would that increase the rate of sobriety? I bet it would. I know I need a meeting almost daily to keep me invested. I'm sure eventually I'll taper down, but at this moment in time the more meetings I get the better.

I've been lazy this week. I didn't hit my lunch meetings except for Tuesday. I know, I know, but I've been going to night meetings instead. At least I'm getting one in!

It's starting

So I've had two interviews so far, but with the same organization. They seem like a nice place, and they've got a great mission. They seem to do a lot for the community, which I like. The CEO seems good, too; not too crazy or full of himself, but really entrepreneurial. That is a long word.

Anyways, haven't heard back from anyone else, yet. Looking forward to the process. I love to go through the process. I don't find it stressful at all. Just interesting. You get to learn a lot about organizations and their outreach.

It would be really nice to be home before Christmas. I would have to come back here in November for the marathon, and in December for a conference, but I think that's doable. I love moving, too.

Adam asked if I'd told my sponsor, and I have talked to all the people in my life I consider mentors. They all are supportive, and have said, "Follow your fish, and let God decide." So I'm leaving it up to him. If it's right, he'll tell me so.

Liar, liar, pants on fire

Apparently this is a trait of any good alcoholic, but I've noticed lately how much I lie. I tell little white lies a lot of the time. If I go out at work to smoke a cigarette, and everyone knows I smoke, I'll say I went out to talk to my mom. Or I got a soda and ran into someone I know. What in the world is the reason for me to lie, there? Who knows why I do it, I just happen to do it a lot.

I tend to make up things, too. I just say whatever comes to mind first, whether it's true or not. Adam, unfortunately, has truth serum, and I say the stupid truth 99% of the time, sometimes to my disadvantage. I'm also an over-sharer. I tend to tell people all sorts of stuff about my personal life - things not everybody needs to know, like the fact that I'm bipolar. Sometimes you need to keep things to yourself. I just can't seem to help it!

So I'm going to make a concerted effort to stop lying, but to not spit everything out, either. I need to be more reserved in the things I share. Here's to another project.

It's been a while

Today is 70 days sober. It's amazing to me that I've gotten this far and still been able to hang out with my friends in drinking situations. I've been able to deflect offers of happy hour, and told those closest to me that I had a problem, and I'm fixing it.

My poor dad said tonight, "I never knew you had a problem." I'm pretty good at hiding most anything from people, and I always came in and just plopped down on the couch after a good drinking spell and then quickly went to bed before he noticed. He notices my cousin's problem, though.

I had a fight with Adam tonight - not a real fight, but he got annoyed with me and then I got annoyed that he was annoyed. He took something I said personally, and it didn't have the meaning he took out of it. And you know what? I thought afterwards, huh, I didn't have the desire to drink! Usually when he yells at me I get really frustrated and just want a glass of wine, but I didn't even think about it. I just thought, there's something I would normally be doing, but I'm not. What is it?

I think this non-drinking thing is beginning to take.

I also think it's time for a med update. I've been going up and down over the past two weeks, and I'm on the downslide right now. I'm tired, and just can't seem to make myself address the papers on my desk. I know they need to get done, but it just stresses me out to think about them. So off to the doctor I go!

A cutting story

Dave over at Struggling had a really good post this morning on cutting and what led up to it, and how it made him feel. It reminded me that I haven't shared my cutting story.

I always used to cut. As long as I can remember, I used to take the bread knife in my parents kitchen and press it into my wrist, making little blood bubbles. I eventually had little scars, and I couldn't figure out what they were from - I had blocked most of that period out. I progressed to having an exacto knife in my room, and cleaning it every time with betadyne. I would cut my fingers open, and draw on the walls of my room with blood. I would write poetry, and then cover it up with posters. I also had notebooks full of drawings in blood.

When I was 23 I did the worst damage. I hadn't cut since high school, but something led me to it that day. My mom cuts. She cuts deep, with razor blades, and always ends up at the hospital. I had recently taken away her blades while she was away, and didn't know what to do with them, so I put them under my bathroom sink.

I was out that night, getting wasted with my friends. My bartender friend and DJ roommate had to stay at work, so Emily, her sister and I went back to my apartment to drink more. And then Emily laid it on: you're wasting your life; you need to get out of here; you're blah, blah, blah. I felt so awful. I started crying, and I never cry. Her sister dragged her out of there.

I collapsed onto the floor of the kitchen, crying harder than I'd ever cried. Suddenly, I thought of cutting to make the pain go away. That adrenaline rush makes the depression disappear, if only for a minute. I went into the bathroom, grabbed a razor, and did what I used to do: I pressed. I had never used a razor before, and didn't understand the damage it could do. I looked down, and all I could see was a broken tendon and the fat cells in my wrist. I immediately knew what I had done, and put my hand over it to hold in the bleeding. I ran to the phone and called 911.

The paramedics didn't seem to care. They bandaged my arm, and slowly walked me to the ambulance. I showed up at the hospital, and it took hours for someone to see me. The doctor sewed me up without anesthesia, probably because I was already drunk, and told me, "If I ever see you here again, I'm not going to help you." I was already devastated, and hadn't stopped crying yet.

They took me upstairs to the psych ward and locked me in for the night. I couldn't stop crying and by this time I was wailing. They gave me a sedative, and I woke up the next morning crying all the same. I called my dad. I didn't want to. In fact, it was the last thing I wanted to do. Suddenly, I had lots of visitors. I didn't want to see anyone; I was so embarrassed. But they all came anyway. Everyone who loved me showed up. And they always show up in my life. I knew then that I could never do that again, it was too risky.

And so now when I feel like cutting, I go get a tattoo. It provides that same temporary relief, that same adrenaline. I can't even be around razors anymore. So don't worry about me; I'll always remember that night. I have the scar to remind me every day.

Children always know best

Pam said she read something this week that really struck her.

"Children have an unexpectedly sophisticated grasp of spirituality, and they’re happier for it."

Children, with their amazing capacity for wonder, often grasp spiritual terms and life much easier and faster than we adults can. Remember when you were a little kid and you knew, just knew, there was something bigger than you? Whether it was God, or fairies, mother nature, whatever. There was a universe, and you were part of it.

"Often when people talk about a spiritual experience, they’ll recall something from childhood, she says, but over time, society and even religious institutions themselves encourage people to suppress that youthful capacity for wonder.

'Children are very familiar with mystery and with not knowing, which is a quality of spirituality,' she says. 'Their days are filled with new discoveries and new insights. They’re open and they’re curious; they understand that we don’t always have words to describe what it is that we’re thinking and feeling.'”

Why can't we maintain this curiosity? We end up "socialized" and lose that sense of wonder that makes everything possible. So this is your homework for the week: regain your sense of wonder and play. Do something child-like. Even if it's just playing with your kids and watching their excitement at learning about the world. Do something good for your soul.

I'll laugh, God plans

In the meeting tonight someone said her sponsee once told her that God laughs while we plan. She didn't like that, God laughing at her, so she changed it. "I'll laugh, God plans."

God (or HP) has plans for us that we can't even imagine. He is willing to do for us what we can't do for ourselves, and often has things in our future that we never thought were possible. He gives us things we don't think we deserve, but we do. God takes care of us.

I've been thinking a lot about moving jobs, and I've been applying to some in my hometown, and some here. I've found a perfect one in each place, so I've applied and now I'll sit back and let God work. If I don't get either, that's ok. It's all going to be alright. I have a job, and it's a pretty good one, too, in some respects. And if He decides that it's time for me to move back home, He'll let me know. Every year I apply to positions back home, but they've always fallen through. I know now that God was trying to tell me something: I wasn't ready yet. I needed to grow more, in a way that I could only do here. He put me in a position where AA meetings are two blocks from work, and 4 blocks from home. He knew it was coming, even when I didn't.

So sit back and laugh while you let God do the planning for you.

Boredom kills

"Boredom is not a unified concept but may comprise several varieties, including the transient type that occurs while waiting in line and so-called existential boredom that accompanies a profound dissatisfaction with life."

I'm so bored with life. Not that I don't have anything to live for, I just have a "profound dissatisfaction." I don't like my job, and I'm not sure I even like the field I'm working in anymore. I like to create things - like publications, websites, events, and more - and I don't get a real chance to do that in my current position.

I also don't know what I'm interested in. My therapist and I have been going over what actually makes me excited, and all I can think of is the study of the human mind and how it works. I love studying religion and psychology, but you can't get a job in either of those without teaching, and I hate public speaking.

So I don't know what to do with myself. I've been applying for jobs in a new field, and I hope that will help me feel more challenged. I also enjoy new challenges in my personal life. I love to try new things, and to do things that make me scared. It's the dopamine impulsivity thing, me thinks. So I'm trying something new. I'm playing a sport that makes me nervous, and I'm trying to reach out to new people in the program, which also makes me nervous. Hopefully taking risks will bring me out of my boredom.

It's all about the dopamine

Dopamine has an incredible job in our brains. It works with mental illness, as well as addiction, and the amount of dopamine your body produces and how you process it depends on genetic factors. Now a new study links dopamine and addiction/impulsivity.

"The people who had the highest levels of dopamine release reported subjectively stronger cravings after we gave them the drug," Buckholtz says. These findings "suggest a neurobiological link between human impulsiveness and drug abuse vulnerability," they said.

Mentally ill people are already pretty impulsive. I wonder if dopamine makes people more impulsive, and mentally ill people even more so?

"Some drugs for psychiatric conditions related to dopamine dysfunction, such as schizophrenia, work in broad strokes with 'kind of a sledgehammer approach,' he explains. Homing in on particular receptors and firing patterns might help develop drugs that could modulate in a 'more targeted and perhaps nuanced way,' he says, helping people with a broad range of dopamine-related ailments."

So this new research could be great for adapting dopamine targeting drugs to mental illness and addiction. Perhaps they'll come up with something good in the near future!

Smoking and drinking

There's always a correlation between addictions, it seems:

"Smokers are more likely to drink alcohol and to consume greater quantities of alcohol, and they are four times more likely to meet criteria for alcohol use disorders. Diseases related to tobacco use are the leading causes of death in alcoholics."

I wonder why smokers tend to drink more than non-smokers. You would think that since we stop drinking in order to take a drag, that we would be slower drinkers. And in states where you have to go outside to smoke and can't take your beer, it should take you even longer.

I hate how tobacco related diseases are the highest killers of alcoholics. It seems like liver disease should be number one and other strange killers like alcoholic lung disease. But I suppose everyone I know who is a heavy drinker is also a smoker, and that puts us at risk for lung disease, heart disease, and more. Sigh. I really have to quit smoking, and soon.

Feeling a move

There are 34 pages of jobs in my hometown, and only 2 for where I live now. That's insane! There are a bunch of really good things out there, too. Hmmmm. I may have to consider a move. I do this every year - I apply and then interview, and then never hear back. Hopefully I'll hear something from some of these people.

I need a new job, no matter where it is. I'm unhappy where I am and not challenged. I need to move into a different type of position; one that will better fit my interests and skills. I'm good at what I do, but I don't particularly enjoy it.

Somehow I think being home will cure my loneliness. I know that's not entirely true, but I'll have more people who love me surrounding me, and be able to go out with them more often. I really miss them all. Even my mom. Maybe not my cousin Diane, so much, but the rest of my cousins.

There are also some nice townhouses available in the neighborhood where I eventually want to buy. It's like living in my little town now, only in the middle of the city. Well, we'll see. I don't want to get my hopes up or anything.

A chemical dependency, not

I'm giving you a lot to read today.

"...the intensity of cravings for cigarettes had more to do with the psychosocial element of smoking than with the physiological effects of nicotine as an addictive chemical."

Apparently it's the habit of smoking that controls your cravings more than the actual nicotine. That's why sometimes you don't crave cigarettes in places you can't smoke, until the time draws near that you can smoke. Back when I smoked in the car, I always felt like I needed a cigarette when I got in the car. Now that I don't anymore, I don't crave them when I'm driving. I crave them when I'm getting close to my house, because I know I can smoke there. Interesting.

Another interesting thing about cigarettes and withdrawal, "Withdrawal symptoms represent a smoker's brain and body adjusting to being nicotine-free, and they typically peak within the first three days of quitting smoking and last for two weeks or longer.'This study suggests that the typical smoker begins to feel somewhat out-of-sorts within an hour of his or her last cigarette,' says senior author Brandon. 'Although they are not yet in the throes of full withdrawal that they would experience after a day without nicotine, they can already perceive that they are not feeling quite right, and that a cigarette would offer temporary relief.'" Researchers Find Nicotine Withdrawal Begins Quickly

Back when I tried to quit smoking last week, I started feeling crazy almost immediately. I felt nuts by the end of the day, and couldn't even think about anything but having that relief that cigarettes would bring. I can't imagine that going on for two weeks. I think it's going to have to happen sometime soon, though. I need to stop having these addictive traits. I know I'm an addict by design, but there are some things I have control over. Well, some things I can give to God and ask him to give me the strength to have control over. One of those things is smoking.

So if I can just train myself not to smoke at work, and then not to smoke on my way to meetings, that should put me at one or two cigarettes a day. From there, it will be easy to get down to one, and once you're there, they start to taste bad. Slowly but surely I will ween myself off of them. I'll give myself some time to do it, though.

Another article said that exercise helps curb withdrawal and cravings. Once I get back to running three times a week, I should be able to stop smoking at work and start being good to myself again. I sure need it.

Your eyes give you away

I found another article that might be helpful to you guys. "...retinal deficits may contribute to the perceptual problems associated with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder."

Visual perception, which is often altered in us crazies anyway, can actually be an indicator of a schizophrenia or bipolar. Our eyes may actually be different from other people's.

When I'm manic, my friends say I look "coked up." My eyes get bug-eyed, like I'm straining to see. All the colors around me get brighter and whiter, and often when psychosis starts to set in I see things in my periphery like ghosts and fairies. I know they're just hallucinations, but they can be very frightening, nonetheless.

So it may actually be that my eyes take in the world differently than people without mental illness, and this reaction is common among us. How interesting to think that one day they may be able to diagnose through our eye function.

Just like mom

"'The problems caused by alcoholism are not limited to the individual who suffers from it,' said Peter T. Morgan, associate professor of psychiatry at Yale University and corresponding author for the study. 'Children are particularly susceptible to the negative effects of alcoholism in a parent, and adult children of alcoholics are in general at much greater risk for developing every type of psychiatric illness.'"

I believe this is probably true for people who grew up in families with other dysfunctions, like mental illness. Besides running genetically in families (which they can't prove yet), I think mental illness also has to do with the nurturing received by one's family.

My mom was always a little crazy, she just went super crazy while I was in my teens. I always knew something was wrong. I tried to be in control of her from the very start. My parents tell stories about when I was 4 or 5 when I would tell my mom not to do stuff cause I wasn't big enough to save her. I would always try to guide her. I must have known something was wrong, but was too young to process it and deal with those emotions. I'm just getting to know them, now, and learning to deal with them. I still have almost no memories from childhood, so I know there's a lot blocked out there.

Other people I know who grew up in mentally dysfunctional homes or alcoholic homes seem to have a higher rate of mental illness, especially depression. It seems that those early influences have a deeper effect on us than we thought, and science is beginning to prove it.


Need help? Try these guys (just a recommendation, not an endorsement):


Adult Children of Alcoholics is an anonymous Twelve Step, Twelve Tradition program of women and men who grew up in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional homes. We meet with each other in a mutually respectful, safe environment and acknowledge our common experiences. We discover how childhood affected us in the past and influences us in the present ("The Problem"). We take positive action. By practicing the Twelve Steps, focusing on "The Solution", and accepting a loving Higher Power of our understanding, we find freedom from the past and a way to improve our lives today.

Doing the drug dance

"Patients with bipolar disorder who failed to find relief from their depression with other standard treatments experienced fast-acting relief from a single intravenous (IV) dose of a drug called ketamine, according to a new, small study."

Um, ketamine, like Special K? Uh, people have been abusing that for years. Yes, of course it brings you up - it works like PCP!

"Ketamine produces effects similar to phencyclidine .... Ketamine produces a dissociative state, characterised by a sense of detachment from one's physical body and the external world which is known as depersonalization and derealization."

I totally used to snort and smoke Special K for the amazing effects it had on me. I loved PCP, so when K became more available I switched. Well, used both is more like it. It can take you out of your body, which is nice when all you want to do is escape yourself. Like any drug, it makes you feel like you don't have any troubles, but it can also make you feel even crazier.

I wonder sometimes if all the damage I did by doing drugs just made my mental illness worse. It probably didn't help.

Perhaps cutting back is the answer

"For regular smokers, caffeine takes half as long to process—which, in some ways, explains why smokers often drink more coffee and feel more agitated and anxious, because they're unaware of how their bodies work without cigarettes." What Caffeine Actually Does to Your Brain

So I do need more caffeine than other people - which would explain my now insane addiction to coffee and diet Coke. I've always drunk a lot of coffee, and it has little effect on me. I can sleep right after drinking it, and it doesn't make me wired until I'm on cup #4 or so. And diet Coke. Wow, I went to Costco and bought two giant sized groupings of it - one for home, one for work - and the home one is gone already. It's only been a week and a half!

So I think I should cut back on the caffeine. I'm taking a lot of it in, and it does change your body chemistry, like any addiction will.

"The reasons for the withdrawal are the same as with any substance dependency: your brain was used to operating one way with caffeine, and now it's suddenly working under completely different circumstances, but all those receptor changes are still in place. Headaches are the nearly universal effect of cutting off caffeine, but depression, fatigue, lethargy, irritability, nausea, and vomiting can be part of your cut-off, too, along with more specific issues, like eye muscle spasms."

Um, eye spasms, can't wait. I already have depression, fatigue, and irritability problems without withdrawal symptoms. It's going to be hard to cut back on caffeine and cigarettes, but I have to do something. Habits are expensive!

Choose wisely

The speaker this morning said, "Just because you sit in a garage doesn't make you a car." Just because you sit in these rooms doesn't make you recovered. You have to work for it. Work, work, work, they say.

We all make choices every day. We can make the choice to get sober, and stay sober, or we can make the choice to stay out there. God may be in control of the outcome, but He presents you with the choice and the fork in the road. I really liked what she had to say. She also said: The past is gone, tomorrow hasn't happened yet. All we have is today.

That's right. All I can do is stay sober for today. One day at a time is all I need to do. I can't think about what's going to happen tomorrow, and I can't dwell on everything that has happened in the past. I just need to be the best Anne I can be for today.

It's amazing that you always hear something you need to at a meeting. God really presents you with great insight through the words and deeds of others.

Moving on up

I think about moving all the time. I think about being home (on the east coast), closer to my dad, Adam, and all my baby cousins growing up. I have a few under age 5 and a new one on the way. It would be great to have them around and see them more than at Christmas. My entire family is there (even my aunt is moving there) and I already have a team of friends who love me and are there for me. If I ever get married, I'd love to be closer to them all. I would move to have my parents close to help me raise a child, and I would love to buy a house in a certain part of the town near where I grew up.

I love being there. I even love the snow. I don't like the humidity, but the transportation system is excellent, and the jobs are plentiful. I like the area a lot.

But I like this area, too. It's beautiful, close to a lot of great things, I have good friends, and... well, that's all I can think of right now, but that's a lot.

So I vacillate wildly between wanting to move and not wanting to move. Right now I'm looking at jobs in both places. Maybe I'll apply in both places and just see which one comes up first. To tell the truth, I'd go wherever... nevermind. I miss my family.

I wanna go home

My escape from things happening in my life is always to go home. I get to see the people I love, and get a little love back. My life isn't that bad right now - I kinda hate my job, and I'm a little stressed. Stress makes me want to go home. I can always regroup there. But tickets are like $400! It's amazing how much they can charge you for stuff.

I was thinking October is a good time. I'll have a couple days off then, but I also am going back for a week at Christmas, which wouldn't be too far off. I think I can wait, yeah?

I'll just deal with my stress here. I need to learn how to deal with my emotions, anyway. I think I'm feeling lonely, as well. It's nice to have people in the program to talk to, but I'm not that close to them yet. And my sponsor is still on vacation. I can email her, but it's not the same as sitting down with her. I know this post has nothing to do with sobriety, but this is also becoming my dumping ground for thoughts.

About a year ago I had a total mental breakdown. My job was horrible, and I had to run away to get myself together again. Someone at work back-stabbed me, and made me look incompetent. I couldn't handle it anymore. I just went into shut down mode. So I went home for a long weekend. I didn't even tell anyone except Adam that I was there. I needed support and love from him and my dad to get me sane again. It worked, and I was able to come back and get a new job. I'm not there right now. I'm still feeling ok with it here, but I know that won't last. So it's time to look for something different.

It's all about the We

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol....

We came to believe....

It's all about the we. We of the program. A few people have mentioned lately that it says We not I in all of the steps, and how profound that is. Even when they were writing the steps 75 years ago they recognized the importance of the group power. They saw just how important We was.

I love that. I couldn't do it without the people in this program, like my sponsor, my friends, and the other newcomers I see heading in the door. It's inspiring to know that others have these problems, and that I'm not alone. I'm not out there crazy by myself drinking myself into a stupor. I'm in a room with other people who have been there, and understand my willingness to do this program, even though I still have that desire to drown my sorrows in alcohol. And they are there for me through it all.

AA is like a dog

Someone said tonight, AA is like a dog.

Dogs offer you something special. They'll give unconditional love to you, anytime, day or night. They know when something is bothering you, and are willing to lick your face to make you feel better. They're incredibly loyal, protecting you from things that would do you harm.

AA is like a dog, only it lasts longer. The only problem with dogs is they never out live you (unless you're super old and get a young dog).

AA offers something special, too. A place where people will love you unconditionally, and will show up in your life day and night. People in the program will stand by you in the toughest times, and everyone seems to know when you need a hug or a helping hand. AA's are loyal to you as well. You can relapse, but they're always there to help you stand back up. And the program outlives you. What you put into it and other people lasts through those people you have helped, and gets passed on to the next generation.

AA is like a dog, good and kind, loyal and loving.

Psychosomatic illnesses

A person, could develop a cough.

I'm home "sick" today. I don't know if I actually am, I mean, I have a headache, I'm tired, not hungry, and I feel stuffy, but I don't know if I'm sick, per se. I think it might all be in my head. I think I might just need a nice mental health day where I sit around in my pjs and go back to bed every hour or two. I really should do something like go get my toenails done or something else girly and good for me, but I can't seem to make it further than my computer.

So why would I be feeling sick, if it's all in my head? I have therapy tonight, so that can be something I might figure out there. I really don't know.

I think it's Adam's fault. He has a cold, and I swear you can give a cold long-distance.

The power of a hug

Apparently loneliness can kill you, too.

"‘When someone is connected to a group and feels responsibility for other people, that sense of purpose and meaning translates to taking better care of themselves and taking fewer risks,’ she said."

So not only can AA save your life by helping you quit drinking, it can save your life by providing fellowship. One of the best parts of AA is the people. People in the rooms welcome you with open arms, and make you a part of their lives pretty quickly. The speaker this morning opened with, "Before I start, everyone turn to someone and give them a hug. A hug is what I was greeted with when I first came in, and it's what kept me coming back."

The power of a hug is incredible. It can comfort you in times of sadness or sickness, and it can be an expression of friendship and love. A hug can bring you closer to people and make them feel welcome in your presence. It's much better than a handshake.

I have to get better at hugs. I'm more likely to shake someone's hand, but AA seems to be a hugging group. I always forget to hug my sponsor goodbye, but she never lets me leave without one. I'm getting used to all the love, and to tell the truth, I kinda like it.

Dreaming of Bud

I had a dream last night that was so real. I was with some friends, cleaning up after a party, and talking to one of them. I reached out to clean something up, and the next thing I knew I had taken a swig of a Bud lite. I could taste it. I could feel it in my mouth and actually taste it. Suddenly, I got really worried. I didn't even remember wanting it or reaching for it, or even taking that swig! I wasn't sure if I should just get wasted now that I'd ruined everything, or if I should just freak out and call my sponsor.

The thing is, no one I know drinks Bud lite, nor did I (since high school).

I woke up without the taste in my mouth, and went to a meeting. I've heard people say they have booze dreams, but I'd never had one before. It was just so real.

Emily called today to talk about AA. She was really supportive, and asked if I had a sponsor and all sorts of other questions. She was great. I wasn't sure if she would remind me of her trip through AA and try to discourage me, or not. She didn't even try, she just laughed about her time there and had good questions. I told her about the quitting smoking and cutting thing, and she told me I'm an idiot for not calling her first. Honestly, it never popped into my mind to call someone. I just don't think like that most of the time. It's just not like me to reach out. But I will next time.

We talked about a lot of things, and it was really good to catch up with her. I need to call my friends more often.

Time to barbecue

I'm finally having a barbecue in my backyard, after 65 days of abstaining. It's just the four of us, my closest buddies, and I asked them to bring their own booze, if they wanted to. I don't think they will, but if they do, that's ok, too. At this point, I don't want to break my streak.

It's so nice to have people over. I like having the company of friends. It actually keeps me sober to have others around. And these guys are all really supportive of my sobriety. They've all said great and encouraging things, and have been careful to keep booze out of a lot of situations.

Every year we go wine tasting twice a year. I'm always the DD (drunk driver), because I drive better than the rest of them even when I'm sober. Amanda asked me yesterday if I should go in March (we're going to be at the marathon for the November one). I thought about it, and I'm not so sure. It might be tempting for me to drive from winery to winery with them (they have gourmet food tastings at each as well, and provisions for the DD's). I told her I'd think about being their real designated driver this time, but I'd have to wait and see if my sobriety is strong enough.

They say not to put yourself in unnecessarily tempting positions, so I think it'll be a no go. But I really enjoy those weekends. We get a house and sit around talking and eating. It's good fellowship, and a nice 3 days with good friends. We'll have to wait and see.

Getting back on track

The speaker this morning talked about addictions. "I'm addicted to addiction," he said. "It all started with sugar. Anything I can be addicted to, I am."

I totally identify with this. Anything that's addictive, I've had it. Drugs, alcohol, exercise, eating, diet Coke, smoking, men, love, drama. I've had it all. I could probably join all the A groups, like NA, AA, Al-Anon, OA, etc. It's just a never ending stream of addictions.

But I'm working on them. I've left drugs and alcohol in the past, one day at a time. At least for today. I can't speak about tomorrow, because I only have today, but I have the desire to stop those things. I'm working on the eating thing, too, but that's super hard. Like smoking, I eat out of boredom (apparently I blog that way, too.). And I get bored at home by myself a lot. I try to reach out to other people, but it doesn't always work out. I try to go to a lot of meetings, but that's only an hour or two of my day.

I need to get addicted to working out, again. My pants are feeling a little tight, though I bought pants yesterday in my same size. I used to run every day and do weights, but it's been about a month since I've been consistent with that. It stinks, cause during lunch one of my favorite shows (Deadliest Catch) plays on the treadmill tv. I'm so not caught up.

So this week, I promise to work out at least twice. I'm going to do it, damnit. And I'm going to try to cut back on smoking out of boredom. I'm going to start following my diet closer, again. I'm going to cut back on the diet Cokes. Wait! You say. Don't change anything in your first year! Well, these are things I did before I quit booze, so I'm just returning to what May looked like, minus the booze. I think that's a good place to start. Here's to a fresh start.

Today is resentment day

I just talked to my aunt, cause it's her birthday, and told her I joined AA. She was really supportive and proud of me. She said she's envious that I always can make good decisions for myself and actually follow through. I do have a lot of follow through. It's one of my good qualities. I actually do what I say I'm going to do.

She also asked me to call my cousin in Seattle. He just moved out there about 6 months ago, and doesn't know anyone yet. He works weird hours, and so is having a hard time connecting. I know what that's like. I didn't have any friends when I moved here until 8 months later when I met my boyfriend. He introduced me to a bunch of people, and I finally had someone to talk to.

We all connected over alcohol. I met him at beer olympics where I was a referee and he was the anchor; the one who finishes all the beer no one else can drink. We got super wasted and began throwing eggs at other people (eggs were part of one of the games). We moved in together shortly thereafter, cause we're both kind of impulsive and were lonely.

We drank together every day. We went out every night. It was about 2 years of nonstop drinking and hookah smoking. We never stopped. And he became a bit abusive. He used to tell me I was fat and crazy. He would punch stuff (never me) and drove his car into a stop sign while we were having a fight just to shut me up. It was kinda bad. We eventually broke up, but we still talk, and he's really gotten a lot better. He's been working on himself, and I like him much better now. He even admitted the other day what an asshole he was.

But what was my part in that? I became cold and distant, and I used to start fights a lot of the time. I owe him an apology as well. I'm not sure what else I can do to make it up to him, but that won't be till step nine, which is a long time from now. We'll see.

Add another resentment to the pile

Mercury must be in retrograde again. Like it always is.

All my technology is having issues. I have a back up drive for everything: my music, movies, pictures, and resume. It died this morning, and I don't have some of that stuff anywhere else. I know, I know. Stupid. I should have two drives to keep the important stuff on. At least I have my resume at work, but the movies are all on that drive. Michael is trying to fix it, but it's still blinking red.

My phone is dying, too. It went white screen on me, and the battery only last about 30 minutes before it dies. I was talking to my dad last night, and it completely cut out halfway through the conversation. Sometimes if I turn it off and let it rest for a minute it recharges a bit, but that didn't happen this time. With my plan I can go get another phone, but I'm pretty sure you don't get the good deals when you're just renewing.

My computer is also having issues, but it's mostly the internet. It also likes to die on me. And my mouse died earlier in the week, though Michael fixed that, too. It's nice to have techie friends.

So this might be an expensive month. I'm getting the next installment in my back piece (tattoo), which should run me about $400. If I have to get a new phone and drive, I'm going to be wiping out my bank account. I don't make enough money for this shit.

So I'm adding another resentment: technology. It sure can be helpful, and it sure can be frustrating.

In another life

Today is Jerry Garcia day, in recognition of his birthday.

I was a huge deadhead when I was a kid. I loved the Grateful Dead, and went to two shows while he was alive. The first show, I was 13 and went with my dad. We were sitting in a closed stadium, way up at the top, and all the pot smoke was coming our way. We sat there in the cloud, and eventually even my dad was dancing.

The second time was at Giants stadium in New York. My friend Nathalie and I went with her mom (I think I was 15) and listened intently to the lyrics, even though by then you couldn't understand a damn thing he was saying. The opening act was Bob Dylan, and he was even harder to understand. I didn't realize at the time that that would be the last time I would see him.

I went to a program for gifted kids (I don't know how I got in) in Pennsylvania when I was 14 and again when I was 15. It was a summer program full of arty and nerdy kids. I had a blast, and that's when I first smoked pot (with a counselor in the woods). All of my art was centered around dead bears and Jerry. I even did a portrait of him in chalk.

All I wanted in the world was to buy a Volkswagon bus and follow the dead. I planned that when I was 16 I would drop out of school and follow them for 2 years, and then get my GED. And then Jerry died in August of 1995, when I was 15. I was devastated. I was still in PA, and I heard it on the radio. They had been playing dead songs all day, and I was rocking out with my little AM/FM radio that I carried everywhere. I didn't understand why, until they announced it in the middle of the day. I had to leave class, I was so distraught.

I went to a little field in the middle of campus with two other deadheads and we sat and cried and told stories of concerts and tapes we had collected. I had all the albums, and many show tapes. We supported each other, and smoked a lot of pot.

So happy Jerry day, everybody.

Resentments

A lot of people talk about their prejudices coming into the program. "You weren't like me," they'll say. Or, "You don't look like me." People have found that the longer they were in the program, the less they had that black and white thinking.

One man this morning talked about how he had disdain for anyone who couldn't discuss philosophy with him. Another talked about how he couldn't relate to anyone who hadn't been shot or in prison. Sometimes I feel like I can't relate, but only because I haven't done those things. I've always been pretty accepting, except I hated bad grammar and bad driving. But those things, too, are black and white thinking.

I need to rid myself of those things that cause even the littlest resentments, even if I think they aren't resentments. Many talk about how they thought they didn't have many resentments, and then went on to write 30 pages of step four. Others say if you write more than 3 pages you're bragging.

I wonder what my fourth step will hold. I know I have resentments against my family. I definitely do against my grandfather, who wouldn't save me from my mom. In fact, he encouraged me to be her caretaker. He didn't even warn my dad that she was crazy even when they were married.

But what in the world can I do but forgive him? And that's a good step - forgiveness.

Get sober for me

From Post Secret
I liked this secret. I worried about that when Adam got sober, that he would quickly find someone else and would lean on her in order to get sober, and resent me for not being able to do that for him. He found someone relatively quickly, but he'd been sober for (I think) a year.

Man, I was so jealous. I almost hated her, and I didn't even know her. He was supposed to come back to me! He was supposed to fix himself and then come find me saying, "Look! I'm better! I can show up in your life, now." He had an odd way of showing up before. He would be there for me when crisis struck - he was awesome in crisis - but day to day living was different. He one time screamed at my boss on the phone about what a jerk he was (he was an ass.... Not Adam, the boss.), and was so drunk I had to rip the phone from him. He also had trouble putting me before that next drink or the next smoke. It was always more important than I was, and I was often heartbroken by his choices.

But he didn't. We remained friends, though he kept her and I apart, for good reason. She hated me because of Adam and my close relationship. I don't blame her. She was right to be worried. I loved him, still, and he loved me. I kinda feel bad for her that I caused jealousy and resentment. I hope she never had me on her fourth step list.

And now, we're great friends. He made his amends to me, and I accepted. He's been much more present with me now. He is still a little ADD, but can show up when I need him. He still has an amazing habit of calling or showing up when I'm in crisis. It's like he knows. I'll always be grateful for that.

Searching for something

"The next week, a bunch of us went camping, and we brought cases of beer. We finished it all. The others drank a lot, too, but I was the one who woke up in the middle of the night and started wandering around the countryside by the light of the moon. I was the one who walked fr miles searching for something. I know now what I was looking for. Unlike the rest of them, I wanted another drink." Flooded with Feeling, Personal Stories, Big Book.

At first, as a child, I would wander around in the woods behind my house, or I would walk the neighborhood in the middle of the night, looking for something. I didn't know what.

Then, when I was older I would often wander away from parties or people. I always used to wander when drunk. I tended to end up in the bushes, ditches, or the empty lot behind the bar just searching for something; looking alone into the dark.

I also liked to get into fights with people and then stomp off home, no matter how far it was. I often walked home from bars just to say, "I'll show you!" I remember Adam following me once or twice, trying to get me to come back. Poor guy. He really put up with a lot. That's going to be one hell of an amends when the time comes. Maybe I'll have to start getting him better Christmas presents.

And often when I was alone in my apartment and the bars were all closed, I would wander over to the neighborhood store in search of something. I usually thought I was going in there to get bacon for my hangover, but I always got another bottle or two of wine and went home to finish them. My alcoholic life was always searching for the next drink. Unlike some people I know, I could avoid the good wine in my house in favor of something cheap. I always felt like I wasn't good enough to drink the good stuff on my own. I knew I was an alcoholic and would just finish a bottle without putting any thought into it. There was no point in drinking the good stuff and not appreciating it.

And now I'm wandering again, but I'm searching for that something of my childhood. Perhaps, it's faith. I've always been a seeker of faith, but now I know I need it. I need to have that something that will take care of me, because I obviously have trouble taking care of myself. So let's just hope I can find what I've been looking for, and never again look for it at the bottom of a bottle.

The capacity to be honest

"What's different about serious mental conditions, though, is that the illness strips some victims of the ability to realize they need help - or even to know they are sick. Brain diseases such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder can attack parts of the brain responsible for self-awareness and insight. The disease itself makes the person believe that nothing is wrong." SFGate

Ok, I don't like the "victim" part. It's not a demon possessing us, it's brain chemistry. I'm not a martyr, I'm just... I can't think of a good word.

"There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest." How It Works

This part bothers a lot of folks with mental illness. "We're not stupid," I've heard them say. But we do have special circumstances. We are often impaired by our own illnesses into thinking we're not really sick, and that if we just stop drinking our troubles will go away. But that's not the case. Your mental illness (as long as it's properly diagnosed) is here to stay. It's not a matter of wishing it away. You need to realize that you are powerless over it, just as you are over alcohol, and that you need help.

So sometimes our brains can fight against our self-awareness, which is a great part of the steps - especially step four. You have to take a look at your resentments and character defects, which can be difficult if your memory is fogged by years of untreated illness, or even by medications, which can cause confusion.

But I believe we have the capacity to be honest. Just because we don't often remember everything doesn't mean we're not trying. And that's all you have to do: try. Just accept that it might take you a moment longer than other folks, but you can do it. We can do it together.

You're so fucking sober!

Adam likes to say this a lot when he does something that's super plan related. "I went to a meeting, hung out with other alcoholics, and read the big book," he'll say, "I'm so fucking sober!"

Well, looks like I'm getting there, too. Today I read As Bill Sees It, twice, Daily Reflections, and went to a meeting. I talked to other alcoholics and will email my sponsor in a minute. Wow. This plan really sucks you in!

I know people call it a cult, but it's super helpful. They don't ask you to do anything; the steps are but a suggestion. The whole program is a suggestion. It seems to work best when you do what they say, but you sure don't have to. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. The only thing you HAVE to do is not drink. Meetings, readings, and other people are only the icing on the cake. They're what helps me stay sober, at least.

But I still have urges, sometimes. I promised myself if I went to a meeting I could get frozen yogurt (I wanted to take a nap instead), so I left the house with my ATM card, which I normally just leave with a buck. I have to walk past two bars to get to the meeting, and each time I passed I thought, "I'll just go in and order a beer and stare at it. I won't drink it." But I know that's my disease talking. It wants to take back over. It's sick of this spiritual shit, this not drinking "experiment." It wants to drink with the rest of the people! It just wants us to be "normal" again.

But I was never normal. Normal kids don't start drinking so young. Normal kids don't drink to excess and black out in their 30s. You should know better by now, right? Smart kids don't drink and drive. So I'm going to be a smart kid from now on. I'm on the straight and narrow. I haven't taken a drink today, and for that, I'm grateful.