Back to my former home

I've made so many plans for when I'm going back to the west coast in a week. I'm meeting up with lots of folks and getting my tattoo finished. It should be nice to see everyone again.

My friend Jennifer is moving to Louisiana to be closer to her parents and go back to school, so it may be a long time before I see her again. I'm hoping once she's done with school she'll move here because this is where the jobs she'll be qualified for are.

Michael and I are running a half marathon that I'm totally not ready for. I think I hurt my knee the other day, and my foot still isn't right from the injury earlier in the year. We'll see how it goes!

Boo!

Tonight I'm going to a haunted forest with Adam. I'm excited! It's supposed to be pee your pants scary, and I love scary stuff like that. Our show is all about scary stuff, and I love it. Last night the show was about vampires, and I'm sure there will be some tonight.

I'm also excited to spend a little time with Adam. I really enjoy spending time with him, and he makes me feel safe, so it'll be great to go somewhere scary with him.

His will for us

Just went to a fantastic meeting with a good friend. She was so funny. "I wanted to point out across the room: gay, gay, gay, I don't know, gay." She was trying to make me feel more at home from where I came from, even though I'm not gay.

The women talked about the second part of the 11th step, praying only for His will for us and the power to carry that out. I keep praying for His will for me. I am trying to practice patience again, and just wait to see what God has planned for me, instead of using my ego and forcing my will on everything.

A lot of women talked about how they've had trouble lately with work and letting go. A lot of people were also unemployed or had other issues going on in their lives. It's kind of nice sometimes to know I'm not alone in this.

So God's will. What is His will? Obviously it's for me to have interviews, but we'll see which one turns out. Should I take the first one offered to me as a sign of His will, or should I wait for the one I want? I hope His will is for me to get a good job I like, that I can stay in for a couple of years.

Kay Redfield Jamison

If you haven't read Kay's Unquiet Mind, you need to. It's the quintessential book on bipolar disorder and how to live your life with the help of therapy and medication. Beyond Blue had a great article today with a quote from Kay's book.

I wanted to share it with you:

At this point in my existence, I cannot imagine leading a normal life without both taking lithium and having had the benefits of psychotherapy. Lithium prevents my seductive but disastrous highs, diminishes my depressions, clears out the wool and webbing from my disordered thinking, slows me down, gentles me out, keeps me from ruining my career and relationships, keeps me out of a hospital, alive, and makes psychotherapy possible. But, ineffably, psychotherapy heals. It makes some sense of the confusion, reins in the terrifying thoughts and feelings, returns some control and hope and possibility of learning from it all. Pills cannot, do not, ease one back into reality; they only bring one back headlong, careening, and faster than can be endured at times. Psychotherapy is a sanctuary; it is a battleground; it is a place I have been psychotic, neurotic, elated, confused, and despairing beyond belief. But, always, it is where I have believed--or have learned to believe--that I might someday be able to contend with all of this.

No pill can help me deal with the problem of not wanting to take pills; likewise, no amount of psychotherapy alone can prevent my manias and depressions. I need both. It is an odd thing, owing life to pills, one's own quirks and tenacities, and this unique, strange, and ultimately profound relationship called psychotherapy.

A cure for depression?

"Gene therapy delivered to a specific part of the brain reverses symptoms of depression in a mouse model of the disease.

Many researchers believe that poor signaling of the neurotransmitter serotonin is responsible for causing depression, and common antidepressants act by increasing serotonin's concentration. "

This gene works on the serotonin receptors in the brain, binding them like antidepressants do. So is it permanent? They don't say, but that would be a neat thing. To mess with your genes until they come out "right." A cure for depression? An interesting thought. But what would the world be like without depression?

There are tons of people who are or were depressed who have made amazing contributions to this world. I mean, for crying out loud, Stephen Hawking has depression, and he's probably the smartest man in the universe, right?

Do you think you would keep your depression or have it permanently taken away? What would that be like?

We're back to dopamine

"Researchers at the University of Copenhagen have succeeded in creating a model of the way the brain releases dopamine, an important chemical involved in transmitting signals between nerve cells.

In the brain, dopamine is involved in a number of processes that control the way we behave. If an action results in the substance being released, we are more likely to repeat the action. This applies to actions such as eating, sexual intercourse or winning a competition. However, the same also holds true when individuals take harmful narcotics. Scientists believe that mental illnesses such as schizophrenia can be linked to dopamine imbalances."

Dopamine really is an amazing thing. It is probably responsible for mental illnesses and addictions.

Bar folk

I hate having to sneak out for cigarettes. Wasn't my plan to quit because it would be so hard? Instead, I come back from a meeting and my dad says, "You smell all smokey." I say I was outside with the smokers, which is true, and he says, "bar folk." Yup. Bar folk.

Last night I was at the coffee bar at the club and there was a guy in front of me who totally looked like me ex John. Ahh, John. He was the first alcoholic I moved in with, really my first alcoholic boyfriend. I worked with him, and he asked me out to a concert one night. We made out, went back to his place, and I never left. Really. I just slowly moved my stuff in to his place, until we decided to get a place of our own. I think when I moved out I didn't even have one box of stuff, and that was a year later. I don't know what I had over there. I didn't have a car, so I'm sure I just wore the same few shirts all the time. I had a uniform for work.

I don't remember a whole lot from living with John, except that we went out every night and then drank in. He took me to the Bahamas once, and that was lovely. He was a wonderful salesman, and could get a deal to anywhere.

But man was he an alcoholic. I think he was on his third DUI by the time we broke up, and he had gotten away with all of them. I don't know how, but really, he was an incredible salesman. I miss him sometimes. He was an interesting cat, and I really liked him. I keep trying to find him, and I suppose I could if I really tried, since I know where his mom lives and everything.

I ran into him a few years ago at a bar, and we hung out all night. I went home with him, and it was just like old times. He was really good in bed. I suppose I miss that, too.

It's not what you think it is

It's interesting, the phrase "you have another thing coming" actually is "you have another think coming." Which means:

"To have 'another think coming' is to be greatly mistaken. The phrase is usually spoken by an antagonist as 'you have another think coming'; the implication being that one will shortly be obliged to adopt a different viewpoint, either by the presentation of indisputable evidence, or by force."

I think that's really big in AA. It's time to change when you join the parade of sobriety. You can't keep on going with your old life like nothing has happened. So you have another think coming, meaning you have to change your views.

It's hard to see where you can change, at first. I know I'm having trouble thinking of what has to change, besides my impatience and my reliance on my own self-will for everything. I suppose in your first year that's enough to change.

Don't leave untreated

"Bipolar disorder is estimated to affect approximately 1-3% of adults, but also can affect children and adolescents. Untreated, this disorder is associated with greater risk of drug and alcohol addiction, of interpersonal relationship difficulties, of school and, later, work problems, of engaging in risky behaviors, and of suicide."

A good friend of mine was just diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It's a good thing, too, since she's been super depressed for about a year now. She really needed some help. I sent her to my old therapist, and she is making progress. She's also unemployed, and feeling a little lost.

One to three percent doesn't sound like a lot, but I know a few bipolar people. I think it's like addicts: we're just attracted to each other, like magnets.

It works if you work it

"Faith without works is dead."

You have to work this program. God can give you the tools, but you've got to use them. One of the great tools is listening to other people tell their stories - really listening to them instead of being up in your head about it.

"Your brain isn't there to think," said one guy tonight. "I thought, 'I'm an intelligent girl, I shouldn't have to ask anyone else,'" said another girl.

I think I'm an intelligent girl. This month has been about asking for help when I need it. I have been calling people when I'm feeling crazy, or asking my parents for help with my life. I've been networking with people to help find a job. I've been reaching out for the first time in my life. I'm listening to God, and using the tools that He gave me. And I'm trying not to think too much. I need to shut up the committee that's telling me I'm stupid and useless, and shiftless. I need to just listen to God and move along at His pace. I'm intelligent, yes, but I need His help to be a better person. I've got to give up being the director, and let Him take charge.

Take what you like

I like this, from Guinevere Gets Sober:

He sighed impatiently and waved his hands in my face.

“What part of Take What You Like and Leave the Rest do you not understand?” he said. “It’s not, Take What You Like and Fuckin Argue With Everything Else!”

Take what you like and leave the rest. I feel like I can really take it or leave it with some of the AA stuff. I really like the spirituality involved, and the sharings of experience, strength, and hope. So far, I don't have any problems with AA as it stands. I like the way it's not structured and how each group is self-supporting.

So if you're scared to come in, just take the leap. You can take what you like and leave the rest in the rooms for someone else.

Take your drugs!

Had lunch this afternoon with my mentor and a man I met in the rooms. I was trying to hook one up with another because they're in the same field, and the AA kid is looking for a job. I think it went well.

When he was driving me back home, he said he had to ditch a sponsee one time because the kid was taking prescription speed (probably Adderall), and so he couldn't "in good conscience" sponsor him. He said the kid found another sponsor who also told him to quit, and he did. I wonder how that kid is doing now without his meds.

These people scare me. It takes a lot to get on meds and believe in them, so it seems cruel to get someone off of medication. I'm going to ask my sponsor tonight what she believes about taking medications, and tell her goodbye if she doesn't approve. I'm worried about getting involved with these people. It just seems like a bad idea. Maybe I'll call her now and tell her I'm looking for someone a bit older and slower.

Asian flush

Apparently there are many Asians who have a genetic ability to ward off, as they call it in the article, "the demon rum." Many Asians get sick when drinking. You've seen it: the Asian flush. It happens to my Native American friend, too. Apparently Benedryl makes it go away, which means it really is an allergy to alcohol.

"Kidd's team was studying a variant of one of a set of related genes that code for alcohol dehydrogenases, enzymes that help in metabolism of alcohols, including ethanol. Variants of those enzymes have been known for many years to protect the individuals carrying them against alcoholism.

The particular gene studied, a variant of the ADH1B gene, is very common in some East Asian communities, as high as 90 percent in some areas. But he also noted that lower rates of alcoholism in many of the Asian communities may well be due to cultural as well as genetic causes."

Is that why I've only ever seen two Asians at AA?

Lightweights have an excuse

So lightweights can blame their parents, too.

"The variant, in a gene called CYP2E1, is associated with a person's response to alcohol. For the 10 to 20 percent of people that possess this variant, those first few drinks leave them feeling more inebriated than the rest of the human population, who harbor a different version of the gene.

Previous studies had shown that people who react strongly to alcohol were less likely to become alcoholics later in life."

So all those kids you drunk under the table in college actually had a valid excuse.

Don't mess with the frontal lobe

"It could be that intense drinking during adolescence leads to delays or incomplete development of frontal brain regions, which in turn leads to problems with attention and executive functioning."

So drinking and drugging in high school does make you dumber, or at least effects your "executive functioning." Well, what the hell is that?

"The concept is used by psychologists and neuroscientists to describe a loosely defined collection of brain processes that are responsible for planning, cognitive flexibility, abstract thinking, rule acquisition, initiating appropriate actions and inhibiting inappropriate actions, and selecting relevant sensory information."

Ahh, I love that: inhibiting inappropriate actions. All of us drunks and druggies have inappropriate actions in our lists of amends we need to make. We all act strangely based on information we often misinterpret. It's all caused by our early non-development. We didn't develop our frontal lobes because we were pouring substances in there. Good news: it can come back.

Blame your mom again

Your genes have a lot to do with your pre-disposition to alcoholism and addiction.They messed with mice again, and altered one gene that works on, you guessed it, dopamine.

"This study shows that the effects of chronic alcohol consumption on brain chemistry are critically influenced by an individual's pre-existing genetic makeup."

We've all seen the addiction that runs in families, but now they've finally found what may cause that. I suppose the alcoholism gene really did skip my parents and made it's way to me. It would explain why I have an addictive personality - I really genetically have one.

Also from the article: "(the study) suggest(s) that deficiency in dopamine D2 receptors may make people (and animals) less able to experience ordinary pleasures and more vulnerable to alcoholism, drug abuse, and even obesity."

Ordinary pleasures are less pleasurable, eh? Sounds a lot like depression to me. I wonder if they'll eventually link the D2 gene to mental illness. If the majority of us crazies have alcoholism and addiction, and the majority of alcoholics (that I've met) are nuts, this would explain a lot.

A night in

Just had a great night hanging out with Adam. We watched our show (3 full episodes!) and ate some good pizza. It's always nice to hang out with him. He makes me feel better every time.

We talked about my need to find a sponsor I like. I think I'll start hanging out at this one club near me and see if I find someone I like there. Or maybe I'll walk to the other one near me. I don't know. It's hard to know where I should plant myself since I don't know where I'll be living. I don't want a sponsor who's going to be super far away. I suppose I know where I'll be in general, and nothing around here is more than 30 minutes from everything else.

Let's see if I can sleep tonight.

Intervention

So I can't sleep, and I turned on the tv. Guess what was on? Intervention. I love that show. I love watching tragedy turn to a happy ending, which it usually does. Sometimes these stories are super sad, and the families are always so miserable. The episode on is about Marquel, an alcoholic.

So far, she's running from the intervention. Her family just tried to come into her apartment to talk to her and she ran away. Her dad is following her through the streets of their town trying to talk to her. It's pretty depressing.

I'm so glad my family never had to see me like that. I kept everything separate from them. They only saw me drink a few glasses of wine and then disappear at night with my friends. I would stumble in after they were all in bed and no one would see me. Or I would stay up until they all went to bed, and then I would have a few more. I'm glad they were all pretty clueless about it.

Are you a drunk?

Some interesting stuff:

"Of those who had alcohol dependence during their lifetimes, only 24.1 percent ever received treatment, and 12.1 percent of those with alcohol dependence during the previous year received treatment during that time.

The average age at which patients first received treatment for dependence was 29.8 years--eight years later than the average age at which they developed the condition. In addition, treatment rates are slightly lower than those found 10 years earlier, where 23.5 percent of those with lifetime dependence and 13.8 percent of those with dependence in the previous 12 months sought treatment."

How do you know if you have alcohol dependence? Try this! I got a 22. I always score high on the crazy scales. How drunk are you?

Aripiprazole is a great word

Maybe the desire to stop drinking came from the fact that drinking wasn't as pleasurable anymore, and I was just blacking out instead of feeling good. And maybe, just maybe, the Abilify had something to do with that.

According to a study released in 08, Abilify may reduce the pleasurable effects of alcohol and make it more of a sedative. "'Aripiprazole is a dopamine partial agonist,' explained Henry R. Kranzler, a professor in the department of psychiatry at the University of Connecticut Health Center and corresponding author for the study. 'Since dopamine is involved in the rewarding effects of alcohol, we thought that aripiprazole might reduce those effects.'" So it reduces the rewards we get from alcohol.

I can't remember when my doctor upped my Abilify. Wait, it was after I quit. So when did she put me on it? I wonder if she put me on it because she wanted me to quit drinking. She kept trying to get me to do it. Sneaky little witch.

Men are drunker than women

Another interesting study that may explain why men are often more afflicted with alcoholism than women, or so they say.

"Despite similar consumptions of alcohol, the men had greater dopamine release than women. This increase was found in the ventral striatum, an area in the brain strongly associated with pleasure, reinforcement and addiction formation."

Also: "another important observation from this study is the decline in alcohol-induced dopamine release with repeated heavy drinking episodes. This may be one of the hallmarks of developing tolerance or transitioning into habit."

It really all has everything to do with dopamine.

My God, make it go away

"Big Book page #50: Once confused and baffled by the seeming futility of existence, they show the underlying reasons why they were making heavy going of life. Leaving aside the drink question, they tell why living was so unsatisfactory. They show how the change came over them. When many hundreds of people are able to say that the consciousness of the Presence of God is today the most important fact of their lives, they present a powerful reason why one should have faith."

So you are saying that once I get back with my God I'll like myself. Interesting. I do feel more at peace when I commune with God, but what happens the other 23 hours of the day?

The promises

"To read your own mind is to look at your self and read your soul. Hatred becomes love and that is the path I am working on." According to Richard Gere.

Ok, so working on my soul will make me like me? Is that what you're saying, Richard? I think it's what AA is saying, too. If I work with my higher power and develop a spirituality, things will get better. The promises will be fulfilled; I'll like myself. The AA promises:

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

Sometimes slowly. I hope not too slowly.

Who are you?

Something I love about AA is that you often don't know what you're thinking until you open your mouth to share.

I hated myself as a kid. That's why I started doing drugs. I wanted to fill that hole inside of me. I don't know where it came from, but it was always there. It was just that something I lived with. Deep down inside of me there was an emptiness. Did drugs fill that hole? Kinda. I felt even worse. I seriously hated myself. All the time. I thought I was fat, ugly, stupid, you name it. Everything. And drugs didn't make it any better. But they made me forget for a minute. They made me outgoing, and outgoing made people like me.

So I developed an outgoing personality. I became an anthropologist. I studied the culture of the people around me and tried to be just like them, but I never really succeeded. I was always a little weird, a little on the outside. But people liked me. I have tons of friends! People were always drawn to me. Inside, I was miserable and couldn't stand to have people around, and sometimes I would hide from them, but people liked when I was there. So I kept doing drugs, and kept trying to be someone people would like.

Once I overdosed, I turned to alcohol to fill that need, that hole. I became bell of the bar. I danced, I sang, I flirted. I hung out with everyone and made my house the center of the party. I became the cool girl, the drunken good time girl. I was again someone people would like. I fit in. And I was miserable. This time, instead of overdosing, I tried to slit my wrists.

I was on the up trajectory with my friends across the country. I was the cool girl, the one who threw the big parties, the one who got everyone home safe at night, the one who bought the good booze or made sure everyone's glass was full. I was fun to hang out with and everyone's friend. Until I started to drink alone and go to the bar after drinking with my friends at their houses. They weren't the kind of girls to go all night; they were the have a few bottles of wine at someone's house kind of group. Which I loved, but I never had enough alcohol. So I drank at home.

And I hated myself. Here's that cursor blinking again. I hated myself.

And now, I'm in AA, I'm talking, I have a sponsor, I'm reading step books and calling people. And I'm acting like everyone thinks I should be. I'm doing the right thing so people will like me and I'll appear like one of the crowd. I'm pretending again. I'm pretending to be someone I'm not.

So who the fuck am I besides miserable?

Heroin is not your friend

Is it weird that I feel most comfortable in a room full of old heroin addicts and cons?

I always wanted to be a heroin addict. It was my goal. I would watch MTV as a kid and think about how cool it would be to be the girl in the Cherry Pie video who was chained up to the fence writhing around like she was on dope. I wanted to be her. I wanted big teased hair and to wear all leather. I wanted to get high. I didn't know anything about it, but I wanted to be high.

I first found marijuana. Gateway drug, whatever, but it was for me. I would smoke pot every day and I loved to smoke it with anything laced on top: crack, heroin, PCP, anything. I loved it laced the most. Pot alone was kinda boring. If I had to smoke just pot, I would light my bowl with my cigarette so at least I was getting something else, too. Even if it was just nicotine.

Tonight a man spoke about his heroin addiction. He had all sorts of horrible times, and now is finally clean and a dad. He's loving his life now. I can't wait till I don't want to be a heroin addict any more. I mean, I don't want to be a... well, I do think about drugs all the time. I love drugs. They make me feel so much better. I think I like drugs more than I like alcohol, but I was never that great about getting them for myself. I always had to have a boyfriend who could get me something, and I was nice enough to share with all my friends.

So yeah, there's still something in me that wants to be a heroin addict. I'm watching the cursor blink at me, and I'm thinking how crazy that statement sounds.

Midtown is not for me

So apparently I have a problem. I have seemed to have fallen into a group that has a bad reputation in the area. I don't like to talk about where I live, but this will give it away.

There's this group within AA here in my city that has been accused of all sorts of stuff like going against AA principles and being cult-like. They've been said to take in young people and use them for money and sex. Some people claim they don't think you're sober if you're on prescription medication. "“They told her that she would not remain sober if she continued taking the medication,” Kate said. “Within three days she had a psychotic episode and was hospitalized again.”" Some say that it "is 'a coercive, cultlike group that uses the trusted AA name to induce young alcoholics into a radical fringe movement that has little resemblance to traditions.'" They've also been said to ostracize other people who don't conform. Interesting, right?

I talked to a friend of mine who I met on the retreat and asked her about this, if she had any first-hand knowledge. (If you looked at the dates, all these articles are from 2007.) And boy did she. Her ex-girlfriend used to be a part of this group, and says it's all true. They eventually ostracized her after she came out, and she avoids them at all costs now. My friend met my sponsor once, and says she's deep in this group. So...

I have a problem. I need to get myself out of this before it turns into something. AA isn't about a social life or working to please other people. AA is a program of we, yes, but it's a program of we only in that it's hard to stay sober without the help of other alcoholics. You can't do it alone, but you can't do it under the thumb of someone else. You've got to do the work yourself.

And to not take prescription meds? That's what keeps me alive. I would be dead if I didn't take my meds. I know it.

I think I'm going to tell my sponsor that I want someone older to sponsor me, which I do. I don't like feeling like I'm being shuttled around to meetings and people's houses. I want my own program, not someone elses.

To tell the truth, hanging out with these kids kinda made me want to drink. I was uncomfortable there, and felt very strange. Time to break free.

Oh the mice

"Yale University researchers have found a gene that seems to be a key contributor to the onset of depression and is a promising target for a new class of antidepressants, they report Oct. 17 in the journal Nature Medicine."

Apparently, they found a gene that looks like the key to depression. It activates and deactivates neuron transfers, and when deactivated in mice it causes depression. (Poor mice.) Could this be a breakthrough? I wonder if they would start genetic testing after this.

I'm not sure how I feel about genetic testing. On one hand, it would be nice to know if you have a lot of these disorders and diseases, or at least good to be able to prepare for them. But then again, why live your life in fear? And how would insurance companies use that information? Would they be able to decline you even if you never presented symptoms of the disease? It's all so complicated.

The body is amazing, and so are researchers.

Just something random again

My dad is listening to Rush Limbaugh, who is actually kind of funny, but Lord, I need my own apartment.

I just applied to three more jobs, and I have another interview towards the end of the month. I'm hoping that at least one of these leads to an interview. That's all I need now: interviews. I interview really well, so I hope that once I get in there they'll want me to work there. I know, I'm not being picky enough, but I just need a job. I don't want to be unemployed. I already hate that there's a gap in my resume, since there was one two years ago already. I have an excuse I use for that, but I don't want it to look like a pattern.

I need to do some reading, too. I haven't been able to read the last few nights since these crazy AA kids have been dragging me all over town. They're coming to get me tonight, too. I think I'm going to have to tell my sponsor that I need a little more time to myself than they're giving me. I figure once we go through her meeting schedule, I can say which ones I don't like and which I'll keep going to. I like the ones that are closer to me, not in the nearby state, which isn't far, but I wouldn't normally do that on a Monday night. I like to stay near home.

No kool-aid available

So the meeting wasn't really cult-like, so far as I could tell, but damn, it's like hanging with the popular people. It's really like going to a frat party without the beer. So strange.

Another friend in the program warned me about this group, so I'm going to keep my eyes and ears open for weirdness. I'm hoping to avoid that meeting from now on, because 400 people isn't my idea of a good meeting. I like them small and comfortable. I can't really deal with the big crowds. It just makes me anxious.

My sponsor has me going to stuff every night, which is fine, since I don't have anything else going on, but it's not maintainable. I hope she doesn't think this is normal.

Finally got a run in today, which helped with the anxiety. I didn't sleep at all last night, and got up at 2am to take a shower hoping that would help. It did, a bit, but I still needed a nap today.

Good for today's meeting

Pisces February 19 - March 20

For Sunday, October 17 -You'll be feeling quite outgoing today, and it's perfect timing because you'll encounter an awful lot of terribly intriguing people during the course of the day. Put conversation at the top of your priority list, but be sure to go deeper than typical small talk -- your opinions are going to be challenged, and you'll have a thrill defending your position. And keep an open mind -- when one of your hardest-held beliefs goes down in flames, you'll be grateful for the new perspective.

We all share it

When I overdosed I went home from school and pouted in my room for a while. About a week later, after graduation, my roommate from school called and said she was on LSD. I was so offended. I wouldn't even talk to her. I just hung up. I couldn't imagine that after watching me almost die, she would immediately go back to doing drugs. It just seemed counter-intuitive, you know?

I'm so old

It's neat hanging out with a new group of people. You get to watch the dynamics and see who's really ok with whom, and get a feel for the history of the group. Really, hanging out sober is just like hanging out drunk, but without the alcohol. You watch stupid tv, you look up dumb puns on the internet, you eat too much junk food, and laugh a lot. But you're just sober. It takes a lot more energy, and man I'm tired.

It's also interesting. These kids are all five years younger than I am. That's really a huge difference. I was not mature at all at 25. Drinking or not, you grow up a lot in those five years. I kind of feel like the older sister invited to visit her little sister's sorority for the weekend and feeling old. I don't know how long I'm going to be able to keep up with this and still enjoy it. I like old people. I've always been more comfortable with people older than me.

I'm going to a meeting tonight that has about 400 people. It's in the city, and is probably the largest group. It has a bad reputation with other AA folks, though, according to a Newsweek article Adam read to me last night. I'm going in with an open mind, but if it gets cult-like, I'm outta there.

I like AA. I believe in looking for your spiritual self. I believe in following the steps and listening to those around you who have more sobriety. But I'm not IN this thing for it to become my entire life. I don't only want friends who are in AA. I have a lot of good friends, and I'm not interested in alienating them by drinking the punch. That's the reputation of this group. So we'll see. I'm a little nervous about it.