Only the lonely

I think I'm getting insomnia again. It was fine for a month, but I think I'm used to all the workouts now, and am back to my old sleeping schedule. It does help you think about a lot of stuff.

I've got a handful of really good friends - People I would do anything for, and who would do the same for me. But they're all so different. Emily, Adam, Michael, Amanda, Jennifer, Andrea. They all offer something different. Some piece of my heart that needs to be filled is filled by each one of them in varying ways.

But I think I'm ready for love. It's been a few years since Michael and I broke up, and I haven't been in a relationship since. I've been pining over Adam, but that's just silly and fruitless. I think it's time to find love again, somewhere outside of the people I know.

So where do you meet people? I have no idea. I tried Meetup.com, but being an alcoholic, it's hard to avoid alcoholic events. Do I meet people in AA? That just seems like a recipe for disaster. Plus, I'm never in the same place long enough. Maybe I just need to get laid.

Emily calls

Thanks to the magic power of the internet and telephones, I had a Skype conversation with Emily just now. It was great to hear from her. She sounds a little down - they still haven't found good friends where they moved to, but she's got some folks to talk to and their baby has people to play with. And she's pregnant again! I'm so excited. It's a great thing - they're really great parents. She's coming back in October for a few weeks, so I'm going to make seeing her a priority.

Whenever I get a little jealous of her life - married, kids, living overseas, good job - I remember that life is rough wherever you are. All those things are tough, and she's just doing the best with what she's got. So I've got a different life, so what! We all knew I would. I wasn't destined for normalcy.

So what am I destined for? I don't know. But one thing it will involve is travel. I'd like to go out and see her, but it's around $2,500 to fly out, and I just don't have that kind of money. So we'll see. Maybe I'll suck it up and put it on my credit card and go see her next year while she's on maternity leave. I miss her so much.

Damn you horoscope!

"Any predictions from psychics, fortune cookies or bubble gum wrappers aren't going to give you insight on things today -- if they ever did. The fact is that there's no way to see into the future, so trying to do so is a huge waste of your time. Vague promises of future activities, future romance or even future jobs are feeling a bit empty right now. Position yourself as someone who needs to see something before you believe it and you won't be disappointed."

The toad prince

Tonight I sat outside on the phone and talked to Jennifer, Adam, and Michael. The whole time a giant toad sat two feet from me and stared. I don't know what he wanted, but he kept coming back. I tried to touch him twice, and he hopped away, but came back.

Adam worried me a bit this weekend when he was hanging on me and making comments about spending alone time together. I wanted to see how he was doing, and he's fine. Just the normal situations in his head. He's still working on him, which is important, and learning how to be alone (not in a relationship). It took me years to do that, so I expect nothing from him. "I have a lot of questions, and you don't have the answers," I said. He's just in a place where his spiritual development comes first, and I don't think he's even thinking about me. That hurts, a little. I want him to think about me; to think about us and all the possibilities there. But he doesn't, and that's got to be ok with me. I know I say this a lot, but I've just got to accept that he doesn't want to be with me, and move on.

And then there's Michael. Michael wants to marry me. He's asked a few times now, and he's coming out here in August to run a race with me. He is determined. I love Michael, I do, but there's no spark there. He's a great guy and a really good friend, but I don't crave him like I crave Adam.

My cousin keeps reminding me there are other people out there besides the two of them. I can look elsewhere. Perhaps someone who makes me feel that spark but who also wants me like Michael does. If I could just smush them together and create one man, that would be optimal! I don't have to settle for Michael, I'm in no rush to get married right now, and I don't have to wait for Adam. I can find someone entirely new.

But I don't want to. I want that familiarity. I want to feel as loved as Michael makes me feel, and I want that rush that Adam gives me. I feel like I'm going to cave under Michael's pressure. He does offer stability, love, and health insurance.

Maybe I should just disappear for a bit....Go off to toad princess land.

Pride

The 12 and 12 talks about the seven deadly sins we look at in our inventory (step 4). I've come to realize lately that I have a big nasty one: pride.

Now, pride can be a good, or a bad thing. It's good to look inside and see the good things about yourself and be accepting and even proud of them. But what I'm talking about it the pride of self that says, "I am better and stronger than everyone else, and therefore I don't need them." Sure, I take criticism. I listen when people point out my flaws, but I've always thought I was better than other people. People are inherently weak and flawed, so I have to be stronger and more "perfect."

But no man is an island. The moment I walked into the rooms of AA I admitted I wasn't all powerful, and in fact, flawed. I admitted that I needed the help of other people to make me a better person. I admitted defeat and made my first small steps towards humility.

Home is where the ___ is

I really wish I could feel better, but I don't. I have so much in my life. I have people who love me, but I don't trust them to love me. I have a place to live, but I feel alienated from it. I have meetings to go to with people who care. And that's true.

I feel lost without a job. It gives you a reason to get up in the morning and do something. It gives you something to think about besides yourself. It introduces you to new people and new experiences. I like working.

And now that my time up north is coming to an end (my cousin gets her license back next week) I don't know what to do with myself. I have no reason to stay up here, but I have no reason to go "home." Home is just my dad's apartment with FOX news and no food. It's a twin bed and all my stuff stuffed into a small closet. It's living out of bags and boxes. It's not having my car or my dog. It's going to meetings and not feeling comfortable.

I need my own space. I was thinking of going to see my aunt in Indiana and then Jennifer, who is a few states south. Maybe I'll stay the rest of the summer with them. But what do I do in September? I can't imagine another year of this. I'll just have to get a retail job and an apartment somewhere. Start over. The year of self reflection must come to an end.

Depression bites

Intentions

I wish I could read people's minds sometimes, though some of the fun is figuring out people. "Don't overthink it," Adam always reminds me. But most of my overthinking is because of him. Most of the people I know say what they mean and act the same way. He's so... bipolar! He says, "I want to be friends. I'm not looking for anything right now but working on myself." And then he says, "I want to spend more alone time with you," and kisses me on the neck. He was petting my hair (I got a haircut) and I asked him if he liked it and he just said, "I like you."

So, here I am, overthinking it. Does he want to date? Is this what all the touching and kissing is about? What does he mean he wants to spend more time alone with me? We see each other about as much as normal friends see each other.... So I'm all up in my head, and trying not to be. I have to go with what he has explicitly said. Like the saying goes, when people show you who they are, believe them. And he's shown me he's just as confused as I am.

Jennifer thinks I should just ask him point blank: do you want to be with me? And if not I should stop talking to him. I don't think it's to that point. I think I'm confused over whether I would want to be with him. Sure, my body wants him, and I feel happy and comfortable around him, but there's a lot that worries me. He's kinda racist and pigheaded when he talks. I know he's not racist, but people who don't know him might get the wrong idea. And he acts and dresses like a young boy, not a 30 something. Which is fine, but bugs me sometimes.

I think if we ever did get back together we would need couples counseling. He's still mad at me for breaking up with him 6 years ago. We would have to talk some of that old stuff out, methinks.

It's raining.