Damnit I shopped

I just did it again. I bought something. Well, a few somethings. They were on sale! I got a cute sweater, a shell, and a t-shirt. They were all 30% off, so I don't feel too bad, but I'm unemployed and don't have money coming in except unemployment, which is damn slow. I finally got a check, and it was meager. I just spent a fourth of it, and I'm going to spend the rest on my tattoo.

For some reason tattoos don't count as shopping for me, but getting my eyebrows waxed does. I don't know the reasoning behind that, since tattoos are about $400 and eyebrows are around $30. But it's all going to keep Ann Taylor Loft in business instead. Jesus. I have got to stop. At least I didn't put it on my credit card.

I'm looking at shoes right now. I don't need any more shoes, really. I had two big boxes of shoes when I moved, and I can always find something in the right color. I need to just close the browser and walk away. There. Done.

Fear and sanity

Bread and butter

Here's a little story from CNN about the rally.

Afterwards, we all went to a great restaurant in the city, and I had a peanut butter and banana sandwich. My ex's mom used to call them Superman sandwiches. This sandwich definitely lived up to it's name.

I was with 3 other sober women, and we talked about all sorts of great stuff. On the way to the rally, I talked to Samantha about her take on AA. "As long as people follow the steps, I don't care what they do." I like her point. AA is about the steps, and using them in your life to improve it, not to gain power over others or get up on a soapbox. I think a lot of us have trouble following orders, but I'm going to have to start listening to my sponsor. No, I haven't traded her in yet. We haven't had time to talk, and I think she might actually end up being helpful. I'm going to bring up the medication thing and see if she balks at it.

Since I don't know where I'm going to live, I don't want to change sponsors again until I know if it will be too much of a pain to see her anymore. I'm kind of on hold with everything right now. I don't want to get a psychiatrist either, because I'm not sure what kind of health insurance I'll have, if I get a job soon. It's all if I get a job soon kind of stuff. And who the hell knows? I could have all these interviews and nothing to show for it.

God that scares me. What if I go through this whole process with 5 places and no one wants me? I hate rejection, and getting a job is really about if the people like you. It's a popularity contest, it really is. So I hope I displayed some good traits. One woman called me "poised and mature," so that's a good sign. Apparently I was on my game.

A little fun

The rally on the Mall today was amazing. People had the funniest signs and costumes! I didn't get to take pictures, but a friend of mine did and I'll try to post some good ones once I get my camera back.

It was a great day. We walked into the city because the metro lines were totally full. There was no way we were getting on to a train, but people cheered every time a new train came into the station. The crowd was incredible. Kind, allowing for personal space, and funny. We had a lot of fun cheers back where I was. We could hardly hear what was going on, so we kept chanting, "Louder!" People crack me up.

Didn't go to the Day of the Dead exhibit. My friends were both too tired after our 8 hour ordeal, and so I headed home to rest my feet. It's amazing how exhausting a rally can be! The exhibit goes on until the 9th, so I think I'll take Monday afternoon to head down there and check it out. But look! I've added fun to my life! And, I hung out with sober people!

I'm doing it again

So I'm planning again. I've been looking at apartments in the city, and they're expensive! If I'm living close to work (I've been looking around the places I'm interviewing) then it will all work out because I'll save on subway fares, but a lot of the ones I think I'll be able to afford are studios.

I've been trying to think how I can fit a one bedrooms' full of stuff into a studio. I think I can do it. I've got a wooden screen that could set off the bedroom area from the living room, and if I put a bed and dresser in the corner, I can hide it. I think I can fit it all in, really.

But I'm getting ahead of myself, as usual. I don't even have money coming in, and I wouldn't be able to get a place until I have a first or even second paycheck in. I'll be living here until at least December, and maybe that's not such a great time to move. It gets pretty cold here, and who knows if it will be snowing that time of the year. Moving in the snow would suck.

Sort of show tune therapy

Ok, it's kind of show tune therapy, but not really. You can't watch this without laughing, it's so cheesy. Did you know they had My Little Pony live? It's kind of incredible.

It's rally time!

I'm ready to go restore sanity/and or fear! Should be an interesting rally.

My therapist has given me an assignment to bring a little fun into my life, instead of just focusing on the job hunt and other stuff that stresses me out. She says I don't have enough fun. I used to have fun. I used to throw parties and hang out with friends, watch my show with the girls, go wine tasting. I used to have fun. It's hard here, with everyone watching babies or having their own stress.

Adam is crazy busy at work. He's got so much going on that I haven't seen him all week. I've reached out twice, but I think I'll let him come to me when he's ready. I, of course, had a paranoid feeling that he was avoiding me. There's a girl who likes him that he's hoping to pull away from, but I think really, with me, he is just busy.

I'm going to the Day of the Dead festival after, and I'm thinking of just leaving my credit card at home. I've got to save my money for the tattoo finishing. I can't keep spending money at the rate I've been going. I have been pretty good the last few weeks, spending most of my money at Safeway or Starbucks. I think that's pretty minimal! No new shoes or shirts.

We know it's bad for us

"Drug users are well informed about the harms associated with the drugs they use, and perceive alcohol and tobacco to be amongst the most dangerous substances."

I am well aware of the consequences of drugs on my mind and body. I always knew when I was taking drugs that I was in harm's way, and could have had a heart attack or died. I knew it. I also knew that alcohol was harming my liver, especially since my meds work through the same system. I know smoking is bad for me. I know it's blackened my lungs and made me more likely to get dementia or COPD. I understand the risks. And yet, why do we do it anyway?

Dopamine! We get such "joy" from the substances. They socially lubricate us, they make us feel on top of the world, they take us out of our bodies, or we just believe all those things. But dopamine is released when you use these substances, and dopamine makes you feel good.

So do I think that putting pictures of lungs on cigarette packages is going to work (which they do in Canada and I think they're going to start doing here)? Maybe. Seeing the consequences every day might do it, but getting one pack when I was in Canada kind of made me laugh. It's just so obscene. Will I stop smoking when I start seeing that kind of thing? Well, hopefully I'll have quit by then.

Head twitch response

We were talking the other day (or I was typing and you guys were reading) about serotonin. I found an article with a good description:

"Serotonin has tremendous influence over several brain functions, including the control of perception, cognition, sleep, appetite, pain, and mood and mediates these effects through interactions with receptors located throughout the central and peripheral nervous systems."

In this study they looked at the difference between serotonin in the brain and hallucinogens. Apparently they work differently, since serotonin works through different pathways in the brain.

Another great quote:

"Both serotonin and the N-methyltryptamines produce what is known as a head twitch response in animal models, which indicates that the serotonin 2A receptor has been activated."

Seriously? "Head twitch response?" Love the side effects.

Breathe deep

"...burning frankincense (resin from the Boswellia plant) activates poorly understood ion channels in the brain to alleviate anxiety or depression."

I always loved incense. I used to use frankincense soap when I was a kid, and burn it all the time. It was my favorite smell in church, and I used it as a perfume for a long time, along with sandalwood. I smelled like a dirty hippie, but that's what I was at the time.

So now they've figured out that incense might actually be good for you. All that Bosweilia in frankincense might ease depressive symptoms. But in current medical science, if you can't put it in a pill, it's worthless. So let's see what they do with Bosweilia as a supplement.

And my favorite quote from the article:

"...burning incense really does make you feel warm and tingly all over!"

Obesity is in your dopamine

Another fascinating new study about obesity. It turns out people who overeat really do overeat to compensate for missing happiness. Eating releases, guess.... dopamine. They've found that people with obesity lack certain receptors to dopamine:

"Obese individuals have fewer pleasure receptors and overeat to compensate."

"People with fewer of the dopamine receptors need to take in more of a rewarding substance -- such as food or drugs -- to get an effect other people get with less."

Such as food and drug, huh? Well, perhaps that's my problem. I'm not taking in any substances except food, so I'm controlling my happiness by eating a lot. Apparently that happens in depressed people, too. They compensate for their unhappiness and overeat to feel better.

So what is undereating? I think when I've read before about it it's more of a control thing than a dopamine thing. I'm not sure if there's a gene for it, but I do know that undereaters cut more, which is also a control type response to external stimuli.

So it's not my fault I'm eating too much, right?

Bored

Man, all I want to do is go out and smoke a cigarette. My dad is here playing with his baseball cards and he's not going anywhere anytime soon. My mom is coming to pick up the dog, but that's not till around 7. It's only 4:30. I think it's because I'm bored. I'm still answering a lot of emails, but it's just not the same.

Ok, I just used the dog as an excuse to go out. Good dog.

I'm still trying not to make a spreadsheet, but I think I'll make one of things I need to do when I move, or things I need to do before the end of the year. I have a couple of trips coming up, and I need to prepare for them. Maybe I'll make a packing list.

Day of the Dead

Found it! I found exactly what I'm going to make an arm sleeve tattoo out of. It think it will be gorgeous, especially when we make the roses the same color as the roses in the rest of my tattoo. Now, just to figure out how it fits in with the tattoo that would be between it and the back piece. I'm sure my artist can do something.

Lazy days

I have done nothing but nap and walk the dog all day long. I've just been sitting here at my computer while I'm awake, answering emails from people. I've been getting tons today.

My horoscope says I'm going to meet someone new today. Ain't gonna happen unless it's the mailman, and he only goes downstairs. And I think he's there now. Perhaps I'm meant to spend time with my dog.

I'm trying to research and find something interesting for you guys, but I suppose Friday is a slow news day. We shall see.

WAIT: Why Am I Talking...

Mr. Sponsor Pants has got some good slang in his archives, too. Here's a good one:

WAIT: Why Am I Talking...

I sometimes feel like I shouldn't talk in a meeting, but they say when you don't want to talk you should. But a lot of the times I just shut up and listen, even when I feel like chiming in. Especially when I feel like I have to add my 2 cents to the conversation. So I like this. WAIT.

Halloween is not the same

Happy almost Halloween! I grabbed this from Mr. Sponsor Pants this morning. He had a nice Q&A about sobriety that I highly recommend. He's a smart dude.

I love Halloween. I love kitsch. I usually host a Halloween party with all the trimmings: ghosts and ghouls decorating the yard and my house, pumpkin carving for friends, Day of the Dead materials throughout, including decoration stations for sugar skulls, punch inside a pumpkin, pumpkin soup, pumpkin seeds, and bread. I go all out for holidays, and this is the beginning of the season. It makes me happy to just go crazy for this kind of stuff, and really show my friends a good time. I also love to dress up. Last year I was Dr. Frankenfurter from Rocky Horror. I did the whole outfit, heels, tights, and all.

I suppose Halloween is going to be like any other day this year. My friend canceled her party where we were going to hand out candy, and I'm pretty sure no kids trick or treat here in my dad's apartment building. That might be weird. Going from floor to floor knocking on doors....

I'm going to a Day of the Dead art show tomorrow, which hopefully will get my fill of DoD. I love that part of the holiday best. It's so beautiful and full of meaning. I'm hoping to restrain myself from buying something.

I suppose this may be the beginning of a disappointing season. I won't be able to throw my own parties this year. I won't be able to decorate, since I don't have any of my decorations. My dad goes crazy for Christmas, so maybe I'll get to decorate his place instead. And perhaps he'll let me throw a small gathering or something.

Plan away

I love planning ahead. I have spreadsheets for everything - mapping out my next few moves, even with a five year plan. Not a detailed plan, but things like: still play hockey, take a trip, save to buy a house. I just love planning.

I'm trying not to get ahead of myself with the planning of the new job and place. I'm hoping that I can control myself, and not start a spreadsheet of places that look good to live, or neighborhoods where I'm going to plant myself. I'm trying not to count on one or two positions which I've only interviewed for, and not been offered anything yet. I'm trying, I really am.

But I'm so excited! If I get a job this month or the beginning of November, then I can get out of here in December. Not that living at home is awful or anything, it's actually nice not to have to pay rent or utilities, and to have tv, but I need a room of my own. I love living alone; it's the only place I can sit in the silence and be ok with myself. I love all of my stuff. My trinkets, my art, my color scheme. I worry constantly about my stuff in storage. Is it getting wet when it rains? Will the glass on my pictures break in the cold winter air? I know, irrational, but it's what I think.

Keep your fingers crossed for me on these next few interviews. I really want the one I interviewed for on Tuesday, but I'll take the one on next Tuesday, too. You would think with 5 interviews I'll get offered at least one of them. Hopefully not the part-time position.

I love research

Cocaine is fascinating to read about. I know I didn't have an addiction, because I never sought it out or paid for it myself. I only did it if it was around, and then I did lots of it.

"The lining of the nose and sinus cavity has enough water to dissolve the base drug and it is absorbed into the blood stream there." It's really interesting to know how it works in your body. It can cause paranoia, but it normally just causes euphoria. It can make you feel on top of the world, and it's short lived, which is why people have to take more and more to get that feeling.

I love research.

Coke is not my friend

I was thinking about relapse today in the car with Jane after the meeting. We were talking about drugs, and she asked my drug of choice. When I was young it was LSD, which I don't think is a lot of people's first choice. But in the past few years it's been coke. I love coke. I love snorting it, rubbing it on my gums, just doing it. It makes me happy.

I don't have a craving for alcohol, and I hang out around it all the time. But I think if I were presented with the opportunity to do coke, well, it would be really hard to resist. I just love everything about it. Would I relapse? There's a good possibility. Will I see coke anytime soon? Probably not. I don't know anyone who does coke anymore, and hadn't even seen it in a while.

So will I relapse? Hopefully not anytime soon.

A replacement for cutting?

Speaking of tattoos, my therapist is convinced I traded cutting for tattoos. I totally think she's right. Whenever I get super stressed now I think of getting a tattoo. I have about 6, but one is a full back piece. It's truly awesome, and I love the feeling I get from getting a tattoo. The only problems with covering your back are: you can't see it; there's nowhere else to put a tattoo that no one else can see.

I would love to continue the tattoo down my arm and make a sleeve out of it, but that's damn hard to cover up. I'd have to wear long sleeves all the time, or at least ones that come to my elbow. I think I could manage it, but I would be wearing my black sweater constantly. I already can't wear dresses without a sweater to work, so there's no difference there. Maybe I'll just do it. I only trust one artist, and I would like it to be all of his work. I have three that aren't his, and they don't come close to the kind of special work he's done.

Also, what to do next? A sleeve requires a lot of thinking. I could just continue the rose pattern all the way down my arm, but it would be nice to have another symbol of myself built in there. I could put another scene from Alice in Wonderland, but I wonder what I would do. The red queen and Alice was another one I wanted in the back piece, but didn't fit. Perhaps that's the way to go. Or since the bear paw would be in the middle, that might have to fit into the theme.

I'm always getting ahead of myself. I still have 4 hours left on the back piece!

Spirit animals - Lizard and bear

Interesting how one of my spirit animals really pertains to my life right now. As I mentioned, the lizard and the bear are my spirit animals. I already have a tattoo of a bear claw, and so I think lizard is next. Just where to put it is my problem. I have a dragon already, which may have to be the substitute.

"If Lizard is your power animal, heed your own intuition before anyone else’s. Lizard is proposing immediate change in one or more areas of your life. You may need to let go of old ideas, patterns, belief systems, habits, actions or lifestyle because the old may threaten you in some way now. It is time to let go."

Right now is the time to let go. I've been trying to let go and let God, and to redefine myself not by the DSM. I have to let go of the past, and let my intuition speak for the future. Also, as a Pisces, part of my life is spent in the dream world, which lizard governs.

Bear is my other spirit animal, which also has a lot to do with following your intuition.

"From this we can see it is good to know and realise that we sometimes need to be alone, to ponder and reflect, to examine our thoughts and emotions, where we are headed on our life journey. We need to trust and follow our instincts."

Again, being quiet, especially in winter months, and following what your introspective self will lead you to.

I seem to have pretty incredible spirit animals, and those that match my personality perfectly.

Apparently it's meditation day

Over at Mr. Sponsor Pants he's talking about meditation, too. This morning must be meditation morning. Here's a great video about meditating at your desk.

Yoga is another great way to meditate. I always feel better after a yoga session, when we're lying on the floor in prone position just relaxing. I wait for the chime, which I love, and just breath into myself. I still have trouble just not thinking, but I know you can breath into the thought and then let it go. Guided meditation is another great thing for me. I took a class in college where we spent some time doing guided meditation. I was able to get deep into myself and make a spiritual quest of sorts. I was also able to talk briefly with my spirit animals (a bear and a lizard woman), which my professor said was indicative of two shaman watching over me, which is rare. Here are some guided mediation links.

Listen to the silence

A great insight this morning from Moving Beyond Addiction:

"Are you afraid of what you will hear in that stillness? Don't be. Some of our truths are ugly, but that's never the whole truth. All of us have an innate wisdom--somehow, somewhere, we know what is really going on with us and we know what to do about it. That's why I say in the exercises in The Law of Sobriety that you can breathe in the questions and breathe out the answers. In some part of you, you already know the answers. I am discovering that even if I don't find the answers right away, they will show up when they are ready to un-fold. I can't push the answers, but rather allow them to flow effortlessly without pushing them too soon."

Sometimes it's best to just sit in your thoughts and let them in and out through breath. That's a good reason why prayer and meditation are so heavily relied on in AA. In order to hear your HP's voice you've got to quiet down your own voice. Don't be afraid of the silence you may hear.

I have a serious problem quieting my mind. There's so much going on up there, especially now. It's hard for me to sit in meditation, but my therapist says it gets better the more you practice it. Sometimes practice and repetition lead to habit, and habit makes everything easier. Apparently it works in monkeys, too.

5 months!

I just realized today is the 27th. Guess what that means? It's been 5 months since my last drink; since I was wasted on a Wednesday night and blacked out on the phone with Adam. Five months I've been writing this blog, updating you and me on what's happening in the world of addiction and mental illness. 5 months. It seems long, and doesn't seem long all at the same time.

I can't believe it's been 5 months. I've been able to deal with a lot in that time, and dealt with it without drinking. I've been unemployed, had to move, dealt with Adam, became dependent again, and more. And I've done it all sober.

It really is possible, guys. It's ok to not drink. It's fine to be sober and go through personal troubles. You can do it! If I can do it, me who's addicted to everything, then you can, too.

I am not the DSM

My therapist also told me to stop defining myself by the DSM. The way I talk about myself is in therapy terms, like I'm bipolar, have some psychosis, am a cutter, etc. I always look at myself through the eyes of the DSM, putting my feelings in the descriptions of illnesses. Instead, I need to focus on who I am, not what I am. So who am I?

I'm a good person. I'm smart and capable. I'm loving. I'm open to change and willing to listen to others. I'm a recovering cutter and a recovering alcoholic. I may have bipolar, but it doesn't define me. I am not my illness.

I am a person with feelings, not illnesses. It's ok to feel a little down and not be depressed. It's ok to have weird thoughts and not be psychotic. I need to work on identifying my feelings and just feeling them.

What am I feeling? Scared. A little worthless and useless. Excited for the future. Really.

Focus on the future

My therapist said I need to stop focusing on the future, and look at what I have today. Make a gratitude list. So here's my list for today.

Rain
Dad letting me stay here
Interviews
Adam
Mom taking the dog
Halloween
New clothes
Boots
Good friends

I need to stop making myself crazy by focusing on what might happen; what might happen when I get a job, when I reach my year, when this and when that. I need to let this time be this time. Put myself where my feet are.

Heavy drinkers aren't normal

Apparently heavy drinkers drink less over time, but never return to "normal" drinking.

"Given that heavy drinkers often don't become "normal" drinkers on their own, the takeaway message for clinicians and family members is to help connect a problem drinker to a community social service agency or Alcoholics Anonymous."

Problem drinkers never return to the level of other people. That's what AA has been saying the whole time. You can't do this on your own, and you need to accept that you are powerless over this disease, or whatever it is.

What are all these drugs for?

Sometimes I hate getting up and taking my drugs. I have a hand full of pills, all difference colors, that are chalky and gross. I choke them all down at the same time to get it over with. I'm on an anti-depressant, mood stabilizer, anti-psychotic, and whatever the hell Abilify classes as nowadays. If I have any more anti's I'll probably have to start taking a pro.

So what do all these drugs do? Well, the anti-depressant is an SSRI, which as we talked about earlier, helps regulate the serotonin in my brain, making me not so depressed. The only trouble is, in people with bipolar, too much serotonin makes us crazy manic. So I take the mood stabilizer which seems to, you guessed it, stabilize my mood somehow. I've been reading around, and it looks like they don't know how it works either.

The other, an anti-psychotic, helps deal with my super crazy side where I start seeing fairies, not sleeping, and wanting to jump in front of subway buses. It keeps me from getting insane. I try to only take it when I'm nuts, because it makes me sleep for days on end when I'm depressed. When I'm manic, I get about 4 hours out of it. It's also great for panic attacks.

Aripiprazole (Abilify)is also used with an antidepressant to treat depression when symptoms cannot be controlled by the antidepressant alone. Aripiprazole is in a class of medications called atypical antipsychotics. This is good stuff that seems to work fast. When I was in my depression, my doc upped the Abilify and everything was suddenly better.

So each one has it's purpose. I wish there was a multi-vitamin type pill that I could take which just worked on everything. Luckily, all my drugs have minimum side effects, except "the lamictal headache" which I have almost all the time. It's getting worse since I've been taking my meds at different times during the day. That's a problem I've got to remedy.

Why SSRI?

So if dopamine has all this stuff to do with mental illness, why target serotonin in your medication? "Most antidepressant treatments do not directly enhance dopamine neurotransmission, which may contribute to residual symptoms, including impaired motivation, concentration, and pleasure." Why the hell not?

First, what is an SSRI (that's probably what you're taking if you're on meds). It is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. What does that mean?

"SSRIs seem to relieve symptoms of depression by blocking the reabsorption (reuptake) of serotonin by certain nerve cells in the brain. This leaves more serotonin available in the brain. Increased serotonin enhances neurotransmission — the sending of nerve impulses — and improves mood. SSRIs are called selective because they seem to affect only serotonin, not other neurotransmitters."

So they give your brain more serotonin. When we have more dopamine, we respond with elated feelings, like when we have sex, take drugs, etc. What about serotonin? How does it work?

"A normal level of serotonin promotes feelings of happiness, but at times, the body becomes overly stressed and will begin to use higher levels of serotonin to compensate for being overwhelmed. Because of the increased stress level, the body will not be able to produce more serotonin to replace the amount that was taken from the reserve. The body will suffer a recession, so to speak, which can lead to a mild to moderate case of depression. The lower the level of serotonin in the brain, the deeper the depression."

So a lot like dopamine. They're both neurotransmitters that work to make you feel better. So which one is the cure for depression? Do we treat both? A new group of drugs does: SNDRI's.

"A serotonin–norepinephrine–dopamine reuptake inhibitor (SNDRI), or triple reuptake inhibitor (TRI), is a drug that acts simultaneously as a reuptake inhibitor for the monoamine neurotransmitters, serotonin, norepinephrine (noradrenaline) and dopamine, by blocking the action of the serotonin transporter (SERT), norepinephrine transporter (NET), and dopamine transporter (DAT), respectively. This, in turn, leads to increased extracellular concentrations of these neurotransmitters and, therefore, an increase in serotonergic, noradrenergic or adrenergic, and dopaminergic neurotransmission." A long explanation for "it works on both."

Some of the new ones like Effexor and Cymbalta work like this. I wonder if they'll get more popular? Of course, they're uppers, really, so bipolar folks would have to take a mood stabilizer as well.

What is dopamine?

They're messing with mice again. This time, they're screwing with their genetic dopamine receptors. "This study shows that the effects of chronic alcohol consumption on brain chemistry are critically influenced by an individual's pre-existing genetic makeup." Proving once again that your genes are what ails you.

We talk about dopamine here a lot. Well, what is dopamine? It's a neurotransmitter, which means it is the something that goes between the neurons in your brain and makes them talk to each other. Imagine neurons as the little pieces of the different lobes of your brain. We're talking microscopic, here.

So, "Dopamine has many functions in the brain, including important roles in behavior and cognition, voluntary movement, motivation, punishment and reward, inhibition of prolactin production (involved in lactation and sexual gratification), sleep, mood, attention, working memory, and learning." Which is why we see it in the addiction and bipolar articles all the time. "Amphetamines are similar in structure to dopamine."

(One with neat little drawings.)

So dopamine is an important part of the brain's systems, and the part that vexes us alcoholics and mentally ill folks the most. Now you know who your friend/enemy is. You can't get rid of it, but you can mess with your serotonin to help with mental illness. Why serotonin? What the hell does that have to do with dopamine?

I forgot what the title should have been

"Heavy smoking in middle age appears to be associated with more than double the risk for Alzheimer's disease and other forms of dementia two decades later."

Jesus, really? I was sitting there watching tv and my dad heard this and said, "Hear that?" So I read the entire article. It had some interesting discrepancies.

"The link between smoking and risk of Alzheimer's disease, the most common subtype of dementia, has been somewhat controversial, with some studies suggesting that smoking reduces the risk of cognitive impairment," they say.

So this is just one study that may have something to do with something, but they don't really know because other studies have shown the opposite. So it's just crying wolf, really. Also, "Former smokers, or those who smoked less than half a pack per day, did not appear to be at increased risk." So I'm already at the normal risk. I only smoke about half a pack or less a day.

Ok, ok, I know smoking is really bad for you and increases your risk of pretty much every disease, but I keep having these delusions that I'll quit and my body will go back to where it's supposed to be. Right.

Stiring my lemonade

Over at If You're Going Through Hell there were some good insights this morning about your attitude towards life and how it affects everything. He said, "We are free to choose the attitude we wish to bring to any situation, no matter how terrible."

Like Michael from AA used to say, misery is optional. Everything is the way you look at it. Is it hard to be unemployed, yes, but is it also a blessing? Yes! I get to take a break from the grind of going to work, living on a schedule. I get to do whatever I like during the day. I can accomplish anything, and amazingly, my schedule is pretty full right now. Granted, most of it is with interviews.

I'm so grateful to be able to live with my dad while this is all going on, because then I'm not desperate for a job. I can hold out for the one that will suit me, and I'll suit them, so I don't end up somewhere that I hate.

All in all, I've been really lucky in this whole process. I have an incredible support system, and nothing to complain about. I even have health insurance, for crying out loud. That's not something every unemployed person has access to. So I'm not just looking on the bright side and making lemonade, I had lemonade to begin with.

We're off to see the wizard

I'm getting so ahead of myself. I'm all worried about the commute and where I'm going to live. I don't even have a job yet! I really hope something comes through soon so I can move out.

A thing about moving into the city - I wonder if it would make it really hard to see everyone here all the time. It would take me some time to get here, and I wouldn't have the time to do it on weekdays. I do know a couple of folks who live in the city, and one of them would only be 2 subway stops from me if I worked at the place I interviewed with today. He's a big drinker, but he knows I'm on the wagon and respects that. It would be interesting to live in the city. I've never done it before, and maybe I would take more advantage of what it has to offer. Also, my favorite book store would be a subway stop away.

Living in this area would mean and hour and change commute to the job I interviewed with today, and the one next Wednesday. Oh, and the one next Tuesday. They're all a ride and a transfer, and a ride away. Would it be worth the commute? No. Probably not.

What to do with el doggo?

So I did a little calculations, and I would have a pretty good chunk of money leftover at the end of the day if they paid me on the top of the scale. The only thing now is the commute. I would have to leave my house at 7am, and wouldn't get back till 7pm. That's kind of insane. I suppose I could stop at the club two metro stops away and go to the 6pm meeting, and get home at 7:45 or so. Maybe 8. That's hard with a dog.

Something my aunt suggested yesterday was to "give up custody" of my dog to my mom, and just take him on the weekends. I think that would be ideal, since I'd be gone all day and most of the night every day. I'm mostly home on weekends anyway, and I could take him to the dog park and running and such. It might be the best idea. I wonder if my mom will fall for it. If I live near her, she could keep my car during the week, too. It would be a good deal for her and the dog.

I'm getting ahead of myself a bit. I still need to be offered a job.

More interviews

Had a great interview this morning with the job that is out of my comfort zone. It would be a great place to work, with tons of benefits, and really nice people. It would be a hard job, but a challenge I'm willing to work on. One of the women I interviewed with said it was obvious I am poised and mature, so there's that.

The only problem is it would be about an hour and a half commute. If they paid me on the top of the scale, I think it would be worth it. I would have to calculate in subway time and money into the equation, but it would be a good job.

I have another interview next week for a position that is below me. I sent in my resume just thinking, why the hell not? And I'll meet with them just for the hell of it. I think that's 5 interviews? I guess my resume is good! Hopefully I'll have some options. I don't think I'll take the part time one, and we'll see how the one next week goes. If they're nice people and the job would be worth it, I might take that one, but the commute would also be long. It's not too far from the other one.

Actually, career-wise, it would be good to take the one I interviewed with today. It's a director position, where the other one is a manager position. It makes me nervous, but I think I could handle it.

A horoscope to live for

My horoscope:
For Tuesday, October 26 -More often than not, emotional situations don't work out the way they should -- like they do in the movies, that is -- but now, thanks to something that happened recently under highly unusual circumstances, a magical ending could actually be on the agenda. Your job is to refuse to make an opera out of anything that could ruin that happy ending -- anything you might be tempted to get involved with that isn't worth the effort. Do your part. Dreams do come true.

Really? So what if I shouldn't push him and get involved? I think talking to him about it could ruin the happy ending. So I just wait? Jesus, waiting is not my strong suit.

Ketamine again

"It's like a magic drug -- one dose can work rapidly and last for seven to 10 days."

They're talking about Ketamine again, which is called recreationally "Special K." Apparently it's been used for years as an anesthetic (I always wondered where it came from), and abused by drug addicts all over the place. Now, it might be able to help rebuild your synapses and cure depression. Pretty amazing what modern science can do for your brain. It works quickly, too, which is good for people in acute trouble, like people who are suicidal.

But what about all the people who would abuse it? Depressives aren't known for taking their drugs as prescribed (at least no one I know), and Special K is worth some money on the market. Chopped up and snorted, just like Adderall, it can make you feel like you just did a ton of coke, and it's a hell of a lot cheaper.

Those of us who have a history of drug abuse would never get prescribed this anyway, but will they make it available given that it can easily and has a history of being abused?

Walking to AA

I just looked up where the place I'm interviewing next week is, and it's right by an AA club, the one that has the 6pm dual-diagnosis meeting. This is the job I'm hoping for, too. It would be nice to be able to leave work and hit a meeting before I went home, and they also have noon meetings, which would be nice on stressful days. I really hope they contact me about a job before anyone else does. I don't want to make the mistake of holding out for that one and missing the opportunity to have a job, any job.

I need to go to a meeting tonight. There's one at 8:30 that I went to last week that was pretty good. I like the heroin addict meetings like that. It's a scruffy club. I need to start going to more meetings in the town where I think I'll be living instead of going out here. Not that they're all far from each other, but I'm sure I'd be more motivated to hit a meeting if I'm in closer proximity to it.

Maybe I'll do a little reading on AA tonight. I need to catch up on my reading. I haven't been doing it lately. I've been kind of MIA lately. I just really want a sponsor I can work with, instead of be nervous about. I need to talk to her about not wanting her to be my sponsor anymore. I've just been too chicken to do it. Maybe tomorrow will be time.

Dad

I just went downstairs to get a package for my cousin not expecting mine to be there. When I left, my dad said, "See if we have any packages down there." We. It's funny to be living here with my dad. He loves having me around, I think. He's always so funny.

Damn, on the tv there was just a news report that smoking in middle age can increase the risk of dementia and he said, "Hear that?" Damnit. I thought we were still pretending I didn't smoke.... I really have to quit.

The science of sleep

Jesus, your genes really do control absolutely everything. Kind of a duh statement, but you never really think about it.

"The people with the DQB1*0602 gene variant were sleepier and more fatigued while both fully rested and sleep deprived. Their sleep was more fragmented."

The gene they're talking about is usually present in people with narcolepsy and those of us who are sleepy all the damn time, or need more than 6 hours of sleep to function. I think I probably need less, but I don't get very rested sleep. I'm up all night long, tossing and turning.

Shopping without shopping

Just got a package in the mail and it was like Christmas! I ordered a bunch of stuff before I was unemployed, and Michael sent it to me last week. It finally got here, and now I have two new pair of pants, 2 sweaters, and a multi-colored shell. Everything looks like a rainbow all spread out on my bed. It's so nice to have the feeling of shopping without having to spend any money doing it.

I finally took a peek at my bank account this afternoon. It's not as scary as I thought it would be after I paid a bunch of bills, but it's still really low. I think I have three more months before I'm out of money. If I don't get a job, I may just sell my car and use that money. Or I have $4k left over from when my grandpa left, which would give me another 4 months of security.

This money thing is the worst part of being unemployed. I still haven't received any unemployment checks. I really hate financial instability, and I'm feeling really anxious about it. I think I'll go smoke a cigarette.

Love is all in your brain

You do fall in love with your brain.

"...falling in love can elicit not only the same euphoric feeling as using cocaine, but also affects intellectual areas of the brain. Researchers also found falling in love only takes about a fifth of a second."

A fifth of a second. Is that why every time I see Adam or hear his voice I remember that I'm madly in love? Madly.

"Expressions like 'madly in love', 'crazy for you' and 'lovesick' may be more accurate than we think. When we fall in love, our brains experience an explosion of powerful chemicals. The neural profile that emerges has led some scientists to compare the initial stages of love to mental illnesses like obsessive compulsive disorder and mania, the manic phase of manic depression."

Maybe it is all a chemical process. It sure feels like my heart hurts sometimes when he's so affectionate but talks about staying on his white horse and not doing anything until after I hit my year. Jesus, it just makes me mad. I think he's scared of me. Of course, that's my paranoia that nobody likes me or he would never date me because I'm crazy. I know that's illogical - he loves me, I know it. How could he not, with the way he acts? Sigh. Love bites.

Anxiety causes smoking

It's not just in my head that quitting smoking is super hard for me. Oh wait, it is in my head:

"...participants with anxiety diagnoses were much less likely to quit smoking.

Study results also showed that anxiety diagnoses were very common among participants -- more than a third of them met criteria for at least one anxiety diagnosis in their lifetime."

I think I've talked about my panic attacks and anxiety before. It apparently makes it harder to quit, and in the study even a combination of the patch and the lozenge didn't make people quit. Fascinating. I wonder when I'll be able to do it?

Superstition is the way

Wow, apparently my resume has lucky charms all over it. I just got another interview.

I am a totally superstitious person. I believe that if the trinkets on my shelf are facing one direction, and life is going well, that I can't move them (even to dust). Right now I have a trinket, that forgot to get packed, in my purse. It's just a little polished rock bear in the Native American tradition. Bears are my spirit animal. Just having it in there is a comforting reminder of living back where I moved from, but now it just might be a lucky charm.

"New research shows that having some kind of lucky token can actually improve your performance -- by increasing your self-confidence." See? They really work.

Sleep brings dreams with it

Ok, now I can't stop sleeping. I have been awake for a few hours today, but I keep going back to taking naps. Suddenly I'm really tired. I think perhaps I just need something to do to keep my mind occupied and away from bed. I bet you, though, round 10pm suddenly I won't be tired anymore, and I'll be tossing and turning all night again. Maybe, also, I need less diet Coke and more water.

I had a dream my dog bit someone's face. I hate when people lean down to talk to him, and I tell them he's going to bark at them, but they do it anyway. He's adorable, I know, but he's also a big jerk. I really worry all the time that he's going to do it, so when I have those hallucinations that he's doing it to me, I'm probably not that far off base. I don't think it's paranoia if it's got a grain of truth to it.

So maybe I'm just depressed in a weird and functioning way.

Speaking through the pain

From Beyond Blue this morning:

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." --Helen Keller

* "Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world." --C.S. Lewis

God truly does speak when you're in crisis, or at least that's when you hear him the most. Maybe it's a hallucination, but I think I can hear his will for me.

The interview process

First interview went really well. I think they like me, and I might be a top candidate. They're rushing the process to get someone in there as soon as possible, which is good, but also bad. It's only a part-time position, and I would have to stay living here if I took it. The organization is incredible, though, with a mission I could really get behind.

Tomorrow's interview will be all day, and really intensive. I am hoping I can exude the confidence my friends saw this weekend, and really impress them. It would be out of my comfort zone - a position I've never done before and I'm not sure I would be awesome at. It would be a sales related project, going out to people and making an ask to support the organization. I've been doing this in writing for years, but never in person. We'll see. It's full-time, and pays well, but it's also pretty far away from here. It would be about an hour commute.

I'm hoping for the third one to come in sometime soon, but I don't meet with them again until next week. The mission is more aligned with something I believe in strongly, and the position is right up my alley. I think I would be perfect for it.

You like me, you really like me!

Holy crap, 23 people came here yesterday! I can't believe anyone is actually reading this blog. All I do is ramble about random stuff and quote magazine articles. Thanks everyone. It's nice to be read.

I snuck out

Thanks Adam for the reason to go outside and smoke. When I'm on the phone my dad doesn't ask me where I'm going. I hate that I need a rouse.

So I have some interviews tomorrow, and I've been looking at some apartments in anticipation. I have another day long interview on Tuesday. I hope these pan out. The one tomorrow morning would be nice, but kind of boring and only part time. The one on Tuesday is way above what I have been doing, but if they're interested in me, I must have been doing something right. I didn't even have a phone interview with them, just this day long process. I don't know if that's good or bad. I need to figure out what I should wear tomorrow. Tuesday is more important in the line of full time jobs, but any interview is an important interview.

Adam wondered tonight what was going on in my head around our nap yesterday. He just laughed and let the moment pass without really asking me how I felt or what I was thinking. I don't think he wants to know, but he brought it up in the context of talking about sex.

And you know? I wasn't thinking about sex when we were sleeping together. I was thinking about just being close to him. I don't know if he really gets how I feel about him. Yes, he turns me on like no one ever has, but it's about much more than that. So what am I thinking about yesterday? That was nice. I'd like to do that more often.

How to quit

So, I didn't make it to a meeting today. My aunt is leaving tomorrow morning and I went down there with 2 hours to spare, and came back 30 minutes after the meeting would have started. That's what I get for not paying attention to time. You and I both know I probably wasn't going to go anyway, but hell, I at least told myself I was trying. That's gotta count for something.

Instead, I watched bad tv with my dad. Now I have to find a reason to slip outside for a cigarette before I go to bed. I wish he was like old folks and went to bed at a reasonable hour, but the man has worse insomnia than I do. I know he can hear me going outside when he's in his bedroom, so I know he knows where I go when I "sneak" outside.

Jennifer and I talked about how we've got to quit smoking. It's just ridiculous. It has such a hold on us both. We really are absolutely powerless over this addiction. So how do you quit smoking? I suppose just like you quit anything: you make a decision and you follow through. You get help where you need it.

So what's the plan? Number one: decide. Well, I'm not there yet. I don't want to quit that badly. It's not awful yet. But I do want to quit in some manners. It's expensive, it's smelly, etc. But what vices do I have left? What do I replace it with? What's something I can do instead of smoking? It's got to be something I can do anywhere, anytime, so it can't be running. Most people chew gum, but I hate chewing gum or suckers or such. I tried with the Tootsie Roll pops earlier this year. I wonder where those are... did I put them in storage? That's not a good idea...

I'm going to have rats.

No place like home

I actually left the house and bought some cigarettes, and now I just have to convince myself to leave again and go to a meeting.

Just spent the last 4 hours on the phone with Jennifer talking about her big plans to move and go back to school. I'm so proud of her taking on this new adventure. She's in such a great place for a life change, and I think it's the right move. It just sounds like the school and place will be perfect for her. I know moving is stressful (trust me) but when you go someplace you want to be, it all works out. Even living at home, I'm glad I'm here.

I'm not myself, you see

I'm running out of cigarettes, and I know that if I leave the house to get them that means I'm perfectly capable of leaving the house to go to a meeting. I don't really feel like being around people right now, but I know meetings always make me feel better. What I need to do is finally make it to that dual-diagnosis meeting in the city. It happens every day at 6, which while I'm unemployed would be super easy to make. I need to talk about how crazy I'm feeling.

It really just started last week when I wrote about how I always hated myself. I try not to think of those things. I'm a generally happy person, even in depression I try to put on a happy face. Thinking about how I really feel makes me anxious. It makes me more depressed to think of how depressed I am.

But I'm feeling pretty crazy right now. I can't stop thinking, and typing it out apparently, and my sleep is all messed up. I don't know if I'm up or down.

"I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir,' said Alice, 'Because I'm not myself you see."

Kids, kids, everywhere

One of the reasons why I wanted to come home is that everyone has kids now, and I'd like to be more than the auntie that shows up at Christmas and the kid forgets. You know? I'd like to be a part of their lives. I have so many kids in my family now, and I don't have siblings, so I've got to be friends with the next generation somehow.

You know when you're younger and you plan out your life? I thought I would have kids by now. At least 2. And here I am, no boyfriend, no prospects, just getting older and starting to worry about things like that. But of course, should I even have kids if the situation presents itself? Bipolar is not a fun thing, and it's hard to get under control and then sometimes harder to convince yourself to keep it under control. They look like they may be coming up with a genetic test soon, which you all know how I feel about genetic testing.

They say that the highest risk kids for developing mental illnesses have the nature and nurture problems. I've got my bipolar mostly under control, and I'm 99% positive I'd never freak out in front of a kid. I'd just be the kooky mom, but not the crazy one. Also, if your partner had mental illness they, of course, have a higher probability of getting the disease. Like alcoholics, I tend to date depressives. The two can go hand in hand, of course, but I'm sure any kid I have will end up with some sort of mental illness no matter how hard I try.

Do I want to bring a tiny baby into that? Is it fair? Is it fair for me to not be able to have kids because of that? See the things I worry about? Not even on the horizon and I'm scared about it. Dumb.

The Zoo

In the middle of the night I seem to find all sorts of interesting articles to write about, and now in the middle of a slow Sunday I got nothing.

I finally fell asleep and slept until 2 in the afternoon. My family ditched me and went to the Zoo, which I think I'm a little insulted about. I can't believe they didn't even wake me to ask me if I wanted to go. I love the Zoo. But I did need sleep. I'm considering just going back to bed, but I put on regular clothes in hopes that I'll get up the energy to go to a meeting. Maybe I should go for a run, too. Maybe that will make me feel a little less crazy. I really do need to call a psychiatrist. I have one here that I trust, but he's not on my insurance. Maybe I'll call and see how expensive he is without insurance. I'd rather be with someone I trust.

I didn't take my meds cause I got up so late, so I'm sure it's not going to help with the crazy feelings. I have two interviews tomorrow and one on Tuesday, so I need to be normal. My friend yesterday said I was exuding confidence, even radiance, but I think that's because I was with Adam. He brings out the best in me, and I always feel better around him. I try not to feel crazy, and I usually don't.

Psychotic depression?

Interesting. So I looked up having those crazy thoughts and depression at the same time. There were some interesting articles on psychotic depression. Psychotic depression is characterized by anxiety, agitation, insomnia at night but sleeping during the day, hypochondria, irrational thoughts or hallucinations, and constipation. This sounds more like it.

I have been sleeping during the day, but I can't seem to sleep at night. I just take naps all day long and then stay up all night doing God knows what (blogging mostly). I'm crazy anxious and can feel it in all my bones. My shoulders are up around my ears, and I'm nervous about everything. Agitated, even. I'm feeling like I can't be touched, which I hate, except by my dad and Adam. I don't mind them touching me, but everyone else makes me want to crawl out of my skin.

I'm a natural hypochondriac (if you couldn't tell from my self-diagnosis), so we've got that covered. And I've been having those irrational thoughts. They say bipolar folks with psychosis often know their thoughts are irrational, unlike schizophrenics who think they are real. I know my dog isn't going to eat my face off, but it sure feels like he might. I know I'm not going to "accidentally" fall off the balcony, but sometimes I feel like it. Like a small wind could pick me up and I would fly. Sometimes I think maybe I could fly. Like I could just spread my arms in a certain way and I would float instead of sink. And the pushing people in front of subway trains and other stuff. That's completely irrational. Perhaps I should print this for my therapist?

Perhaps it's hypomania

I think perhaps I'm hypomanic. I don't fit the mania criteria right now, since I'm not feeling like I'm on top of the world or having grandiose thoughts. But my mind is racing, and I'm feeling less need for sleep. Or at least having a lot of trouble sleeping. I can't seem to stay asleep even when I do go to bed, so it seems silly to go to bed and just lie there and toss and turn.

Hypomania isn't quite as much fun. I think it's really a mixed episode, because I'm feeling depressed, too. I don't know what I feel. Let's think it out here.

I can't sleep. I have a headache (probably from lack of sleep). I'm worried all the time. My mind is racing. I'm worried about things that may never happen at all, just for the fun of worrying. I feel like I hate myself and I'm a piece of shit, but then I tell myself how great I am and how lucky I am. Then again, hypomania is more about grandiose thoughts, goal related activities, and things like that. I am obsessively applying for and checking job sites. It's become an hourly ordeal that I go through. Check job sites, check email for job notices, re-read the postings I applied for, repeat.

At least I'm not irritable. Sometimes I get so damn cranky. I was cranky this afternoon, but I think it was because I hadn't eaten anything in a while. I'm also feeling really anti-social, rather than social, and I don't feel like shopping. I think that's the depression part of the mixed episode. I'm getting some of the psychotic symptoms I get in mania, like when I think my dog is going to bit my face off or I'm going to push someone into traffic. I hate those thoughts. I hate when I feel like doing something totally irrational like that. I would never want to hurt another person, but sometimes the feelings are really strong. Most of the time it's me I want to push in front of a bus, and I have to stand far away from the sidewalk just in case. Jesus, I want another cigarette, but I just went out and the door is so damn loud.

You're constantly rewiring

Now this is fascinating:

...severe stress and adverse life events, such as losing a job or family member, prompt neurobiological processes that physically alter the brain. Neurons change shape and connections. Some die, but others sprout as the brain rewires itself. This neural remodeling employs basic wound-healing mechanisms, which means it can be painful and occasionally incapacitating, even when it's going well.

"It's necessary and normal so that an individual can adapt, change behavior and deal with altered circumstances," Markou said. Real problems occur only "when these restructuring processes go into overdrive, beyond what is necessary and adaptive, and for longer periods of time than needed. Then depression becomes pathological."

So your brain tries to repair itself after stressful events, and that just leads to it changing it's neural pathways. But when that goes haywire, it leads to a chronic condition. I suppose repeated stressors can cause it to wire itself to depression. I know I had a lot of stress as a kid; I was just born a stress case, I think; and so maybe my brain is just wired this way now.

With these additional stressful events happening in my life, maybe my brain is rewiring again for more depression? That's why I wanted to find a therapist as soon as possible when I got here. I didn't want to fall into a depression unaided. But I think I might be getting manic instead. I can't sleep (obviously), and I'm just feeling kinda off. My psych doc said she would only give me 2 months prescription for my meds because I'm "not stable yet," so she wanted me to find someone as soon as possible. Perhaps it's time to call the psych docs in the area and set up an appointment.

Would you quit?

Would higher cigarette prices get you to stop smoking? Apparently they did a study on higher prices and taxes on cigarettes and found that people who have alcohol, drug, and mental disorders were more likely to quit when the price went up. That doesn't make any sense to me. This is the group that's most committed to smoking, I would think. I mean, booze and smokes go hand in hand. But I suppose the more bars that ban smoking the more that will change.

Higher prices didn't make me quit, it just made me find neighboring cities where the taxes were lower. It was $6 in my town, and $8 in the town I worked in. Here, it's only $5, so I feel like every pack is a bargain. I love being in a tobacco producing state.

I hate it, but I love smoking. I mean, I hate smoking: it smells, I feel self-conscious around people who don't smoke, I have to sneak around. But I love smoking: it relaxes me (despite what the studies say), it gets me out of social situations when I start to get anxious, I meet more people who are also hiding. It's social and anti-social all at the same time.

Does smoking help you stop cutting?

Damn. "...in the long term we found teens who started to smoke reported higher depressive symptoms."

I wonder if I quit smoking if I'll have less depressive symptoms? When I tried to quit earlier, it brought back all those self-harming tendencies, and I just wanted to cut so badly. I thought about this, and looked it up online. Apparently, I'm not the only one for whom smoking depresses the urge to self-harm. I really worry that if I quit smoking again I'll just start cutting instead.

I had a dream last night that everything was going wrong, and I had quit smoking, and there was no way for me to deal with my stress. I mean, I usually would drink, or smoke, or something it away. What could I do to control my emotions without substances? What the hell will I do when shit really happens? Will my meds and the program be enough to sustain me or will I self-harm, or take up smoking again, or something else?

Don't see it, don't eat it

Now, this is interesting: "people ate almost half as many mini-size Halloween candies when they kept the wrappers in plain sight."

I'm such a stickler for throwing things out and keeping my space clean. I wonder if having a reminder that I've just eaten would help me eat less? Maybe keeping my plate around instead of immediately washing it. Or using a plate, in general. Sometimes I eat over the sink, which I know is horrible. I tried tricking myself by only eating in one chair in my house, so that when I sat anywhere else I wouldn't associate it with food. It seemed to work, but there's no place to do that here. There is a dining room table, but it's covered in books, just like all the other available surfaces. I only have this little section of couch.

So maybe I'll start tricking myself again. I feel fat. My friend today said that I look better; I was too skinny last time she saw me. But I felt great! All my clothes hung properly, and I was getting skinny enough for a bikini (which I wore anyway because I felt like it). I hate being obsessed with my weight. It makes me sad.

Halloween is candy time

I love Halloween. I love holidays in general. One of the best parts, or course, is the candy. I love Almond Joys, Twix, and Kit Kats. Kit Kats bring back all sorts of comforting emotions for me and remind me of my grandmother. Apparently someone did a study on Halloween candy and it's takeover of the holiday. She gives her students a Hershey's Kiss and asks them to make associations with them.

"The students are always amazed at how many vivid and emotional memories they have wrapped inside a Hershey kiss -- childhood, holidays, favorite times, grandparents," she says. "This emotional connection is very real."

It's funny what we have wrapped up in food. Emotional eating is a true thing. We eat certain foods for "comfort." Like chicken soup when you're sick, and it reminds you of mom taking care of you when you were a kid. Or those Kit Kats that remind me of my grandmother. These things make us feel good, and so we eat them in excess to try to make ourselves feel better. Viscous cycle.

Take them anyway

Over at Mad Matters today she talked about her meds and how she wonders what they do to your body, and how shitty it is that they make you fat.

I want a body scan. You know those cool things now where it's like an MRI and they can see all of your organs? I wonder what years of drinking, smoking, drugging, and taking medications have done to my insides. My meds all work through my liver, and I was doing a number on my liver all on my own. I'm sure my kidneys aren't happy either, and my lungs are black at this point.

I definitely have the weight gain problems with my meds. Sometimes I dream about being anorexic because I just want to stop having to worry about getting fat, but I suppose that's all anorexics do is worry about getting fat.

I love reading Crazy Meds because they tell you all the fun "you're not going to get these" side effects of your meds. One of the fun ones of Lamictal is the insomnia even though you're tired. Ahh, Lamictal, how you help me blog.