John

So I joked about cirrhosis earlier in the week, but I just got a call from my aunt saying her brother was dying. His lungs collapsed, and he's bleeding from the esophagus. It's been years that he's been sick - he has hepatitis C and is an alcoholic. He got the hep C from drug use. The don't think he'll make it through the weekend.

I've heard so many stories from people in AA who talk about looking at someone who has drunk themselves to death, and how petrifying it is. The people are all bloated, and just don't look the same. My aunt said she's bringing down his 2 boys in the morning, but I'm not sure that's a good idea. They're in their early 20's, but no one wants to remember their parents like that, sick and on a ventilator. I don't even know if John is conscious. I don't think he is.

What a thing to happen, and at Christmas. The moral of the story is: stop drinking like a fish. If you can drink A glass of wine every now and again (not every night or every hour), then go for it, but for those of us who can't, just stop it, damnit. You hurt yourself, but eventually you'll hurt everyone else.

Drinking doesn't help your meds work

"Many of us with alcoholism and another mental illness - such as depression or bipolar - also struggle with what I call "episodic illiteracy."

"Episodic illiteracy" is characterized by the inability to read the warning labels on the prescription bottles of our antidepressants and mood stabilizers."

This is a hilarious little essay on how stupid we alcoholics and depressives can be. I know I loved to drink all the time, medications be damned, but I was always worried about taking other medications that might interfere with my meds. Just writing that makes me shake my head at how stupid it is! Of course, alcohol was the thing that was really messing with my system. The moment I quit drinking was the moment my drugs started working. I could feel it happen. Almost instantaneously.

Is being unemployed a hinderance?

Ok, I don't usually read the Huffington Post, not that there's anything wrong with it, but I found this article in a search. Apparently, some employers refuse to hire unemployed people. They always say it's easier to find a job while you have a job, and this just kind of proves it. I wonder if not having a job looks poorly on me. I mean, I have to say I moved on for better opportunities and to relocate, which sounds irresponsible of me, but I can't say I was laid off. I mean, they'll check, and it's part of my contract with my old job that I have to say I left, not that they let me go.

My mind just went blank. I think I'm going to cry.

But I want to take my meds....

I found a pretty funny site called "Stuff Unemployed People Like." He hasn't written in months, but some of them are really funny. Like that we all dream of that vacation we wanted to take, and we wear work clothes to sit around the house. I know I'm doing all of that.

Being unemployed, sober, cigarette-less, living at home, and without health insurance is all a crazy mixture for a bipolar chicka. Every one of those things can make you depressed, and the fun thing is, most of those things make you gain weight, too. My pants sure as hell don't fit. My biggest worry is being without health insurance.

When a bipolar person doesn't take their meds, well, there are lots of possible outcomes, but I usually get really manic for about 2 weeks and then crash really hard. I crash harder each time, and I'm sure this time I would be suicidal, what with all the other factors happening. I'm already feeling such loss and humiliation that I just can't stand it. I really don't want to go there. I want to keep on the meds, but it seems like no insurance company wants me to. $967 for 3 months of meds? Really? I can do it once, but not twice.

So what does a responsible girl do? I don't know. If I'm still unemployed by February I'm going to beg the pharmaceutical companies poor people plans to help me. If they can't do it, I'm going to work with my psychiatrist to try a new cocktail. I don't want to be unstable while trying to interview! Jesus. I need to not worry about this kind of stuff yet.

I just know it - I'll have a job by then.

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

It's a week till Christmas. I love when you come around, all jolly and pulled by reindeer. I love that you have elves working for you to build toys for all the good little girls and boys. I believe in you, Santa. You could be my higher power.

I just have one favor to ask of you: I need a job. I want a job. Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is a job. A nice job, you see, someplace I can grow and love to be. A place where I can be jolly and content, just like your elves. Someplace kind and loving.

Dear Santa, I would like to hear from someone in the end of December or the beginning of January. I don't mind moving in the snow or going to the northeast in the winter. I know I can keep warm; that's why God invented heaters. I would really appreciate your prompt response to my inquiry. See, I can't stay here much longer. I'm bored and feeling a little claustrophobic. I'm having trouble thinking about Adam and how he wouldn't follow me somewhere. I'm having trouble relying on my family, and being too poor to buy them Christmas presents.

So, dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is a job.

Dog is a traitor

You know, I committed to a dog. I knew it would be 20 years or so (small dogs live forever) before he died, and I wouldn't give him back, or anything. I totally committed. And then after about 2 years I started giving him to Michael's mom for the days while I went to work. I often left him there overnight. It was like having a weekend dog. Now, my mom has kidnapped the dog. He whistles (he whistles when you come in and he missed you) for her, and not for me anymore. He jumps to her, and not to me. Traitor.

But I'm kind of glad. First, my mom really loves him and he gets more exercise than he would with me. Second, not having a dog is easier. I can have a social life now and not worry about getting home to let the dog out (if I had a social life). Moving some place will be easier.

I feel really bad about giving up the dog, and I love him and miss him, but it just makes my life easier. How selfish, I know! This is why I think I shouldn't have kids. Man, that's a big commitment. And marriage. I want to get married some day, but I'll have to deal with this character flaw first. I've wanted Adam for 7 years, but maybe it's because I can't have him? What if we got together and I got bored? I somehow don't think that would happen, because my relationship with him is so different from any other. But there's always that chance.

Committed to commitment

"the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled."

Obligated. They say commitment is making a plan and following through with it. I have absolutely no problem with that, but it's the feeling obligated, perhaps, that is the question for me. I can set my mind to anything and jump, but that's just it: I love the jump. I love to try new things. I love to move (I move apartments every year or so). I love to meet new people. I love to visit new places.

When I went to Austria I wanted to move there. Wherever I go I think about moving there. Now, because of the job hunt, I have to go wherever I find work, which I find exciting and fresh! I can't wait to find out where so I can plan. There's just so much to do, and it's all so much fun! Even things like finding a new dentist make me happy. I love shiny and new.

Perhaps it's not commitment, it's just attention span? I think they go hand in hand, though. I can't commit long-term to anything because I get bored. I need to try something new. Restlessness and short attention span are manic symptoms. Maybe I just hit the manic part in my cycle about once a year? I usually get these urges in the spring, which is historically when I've been manic.

But let's not blame it all on the mania. Let's blame mom! After all, we're all programmed by our past experiences. But really, I'm sure a lot of this is learned behavior. Leave before you get disappointed. Leave before they leave you.

Let's build somethng together

"What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?" I'm digging these Reverb posts.

You know what I'd like to try? Longevity. Longevity, you say? How odd. Well, I have that impulsivity problem we talked about before. I like to jump from place to place, from thing to thing. I can't seem to stay in a job for more than a year and a half before I just have to get out, and I take the first thing that comes along. I don't wait to see what's coming, I just jump.

So what I want to try is longevity. I would like to make a commitment to my next job, and stay. Stay for maybe 5 years. Stay and grow in a job. Build relationships, and really give it a shot. I would like to move someplace, or even stay here, and stay for another 5 years at least. I would like to maybe get in a relationship that lasts more than a year and a half.

See, that seems to be my breaking point. After a year and a half I get bored with everything and everyone. I need something new, something refreshing. I get too close to people, or they get too close to me, and I have to push them away. I get too settled in a job, and I have to run away. Why am I afraid of commitment?

Wow, I just realized that. I'm afraid of commitment. Huh.

Coffee loves me back

So what's my next addiction I need to handle? Caffeine. I consume about 5 cups of coffee and 3 sodas a day. I know, I know, it'll rot your stomach, etc, etc, but man do I love coffee. Decaf just tastes so gross. I know I could give up soda just fine, because I only really started drinking it when I quit booze. But coffee? Sigh. Why do I love it so?

"Caffeine blocks adenosine reception so you feel alert. It injects adrenaline into the system to give you a boost. And it manipulates dopamine production to make you feel good."

Dopamine! It's always dopamine, isn't it? We've discovered, or you have if you've been following my ramblings, that everything is about dopamine. It is effected by every substance, like coke, booze, nicotine, heroin, and now caffeine. Even mental illness effects your dopamine. So us addicts are really just addicted to dopamine and it's effects, not, perhaps, on specific substances.

Caffeine is just bad for you, too. It causes bone loss, but it's good for something: it reduces memory loss. I know this year isn't the time to give up anything more, especially something that makes me as happy as a cup of coffee. Maybe what I should do is just slow down on the caffeine. Maybe just 3 cups a day, or one cup and one soda.

I feel like I'm addicted to coffee. I have it once I get out of bed, and often drink it till night time. I probably am. I feel like I'm not awake till after the third or fourth cup. Sigh. I love you, dopamine.

7 questions

There's a blogger out there who says he uses 7 questions to see if someone is really serious in their journey to AA.

Here are the Seven Questions:

1. In looking back over your life – what memories are still painful, guilty, dirty?
2. In what ways do you consider yourself an inadequate person?
3. Who do you resent – and why? Be specific.
4. What do you conceive to be your defects of character – as you see them today?
5. What is the nature of the ongoing problems you have with people close to you – in human relations – what seems to always happen when you have these things that blow up?
6. In what way do you believe that A.A. can help you with any of these problems?
7. In what way do you believe that A.A. can begin to change things?

He says if someone takes longer than a day to address the questions, he thinks they're not ready and moves on. In the beginning I would have done these in an hour. Now, I'm just thinking about thinking about them. I probably wouldn't sit down with my journal and do it (though I just might now that I've thought about how silly that is - not to address important things).

So what memories are painful? Well, let me tell you they all deal with my mom. There's just so much there. I think I couldn't cover it all in a day. And inadequacy, well, without a job I feel like I'm completely inadequate. I think not having patience makes me inadequate. My resentments. That's a whole 8 pages at this point. I've gotten that far in my fourth step.

My defects of character: impatience, impulsivity, emotionally blocked off from people, cruel sometimes, and I'm sure there is more. What always seems to happen is I pull away from people. Once I'm sure they love me, I pull back and try to protect myself from what could possibly happen. Can AA help me? Can AA change things?

Riding the waves of depression

"Feelings are like waves, we can't stop them coming but we can choose which ones to surf."

Can I surf this depression and ride it to the end? I feel like I don't have a choice with depression. I have to surf it, or it will drag me under. It's like a riptide, pulling you back into the ocean, far from the shore. If I get on my belly and surf the tide, I'll make it back to shore. There's always the fear that I'll fall off and crash, or I'll hit the shore too hard, but I think surfing is the best way to do it.

Sleep calls to me

Uh oh. I've started to sleep again. I woke up at 2pm today, and only because my dad came in and said, "You're still asleep?" I wasn't really. I was lying there dreaming, which I do when I'm just lying there trying to sleep. But 2pm? I thought it was maybe 10am. I felt like I had just turned off the alarm, which goes off at 8:30am.

Sleep is a total symptom for me. A symptom of depression. I lie in bed, sleeping or not, and just let myself relax. I tune out the world and stop thinking about the things that are bothering me. Mostly, I dream about having a job and living in a neat new place. I dream about living with Adam. I dream about a lot of things, but always in a positive light. My dreams make me happy.

But they lead to depression. Am I getting depressed? I think so. The other night talking with Adam about everything that's going on in life, I almost started crying. I always feel comfortable crying around him, and I seem to do it a lot. I wondered at the time what things I'm shoving down and just not thinking about. I can't seem to bring stuff up with my therapist - I just always think of feeling ok about everything.

I don't think meds will help, either. I feel like the cocktail I'm on is great, and this is just a situational depression. Wouldn't you be a little down by now?

Lessons lie in challenges

One major lesson I learned this year, and am still learning, is how to be patient. I'm horrible with patience. I've never had a lick of it. I'm impulsive by nature, and it just doesn't seem to go with that innate characteristic.

But I am learning now. Trying to go through unemployment with a strong head and an optimistic view is tough! After being unemployed these 4 months (thank you Congress for extending the unemployment), I've learned that sometimes an interview doesn't get you a job. I've learned you can't even count on being the top candidate - sometimes circumstances don't lead to a job. And that all has led to patience. Patience waiting for that next call, and looking at it as just an interview, not a chance for a job. I've learned that I can't just jump into something. I've learned that being bored as hell at home doesn't mean I need to go get a retail job - I would lose my unemployment.

So patience. Patience is a virtue I still don't hold, but it's getting better.

A window opens....

"A door closes, a window has to open. The hallway is a bitch."

Just a little something from a Twitter account I saw. I'm in the hallway right now. My little limbo period. This hallway doesn't seem to have any doors. Or maybe it has too many doors. Remember that movie Beetlejuice, and the main characters go in search of their case worker? They walk down that long hallway that never seems to end, and it's got tons of doors: doors with lost souls behind them, places they didn't want to go.

Is that my hallway? What am I going to find? Will I have a lot of doors to try? Will I just have to jump and pick one? Will it be the only one to choose?

What's the itinerary?

,
Ohhh, I like this:

"I've often said that I'm definitely okay with God's plan for me, as long as he slips an itinerary under the door every day so I know what it is.

Today, there's no schedule, so I'll just have to go on faith."

Thanks, Ed. It looks like he doesn't post much, but when he does it reads well.

I have so much trouble with the third step. Or I suppose I don't. I just say it every day: I'm not in control here, something else is. I have nothing to do with the outcome, I can only do the steps needed to make something happen.

Progress, not perfection

"5 percent of the population suffers from an addiction to alcohol."

And now there might be a pill to solve all your problems. They found something that was already on the market that might just work. But would you take it? I suppose if you're desperate, there's a pill for everything. But for a lot of people, just the 12 steps really work. Or maybe not:

"A significant number of people who try these programs do not find them helpful or suffer relapses." Or so says the same article. And another piece says "The Harvard Medical School reported that in the long run, the rate of spontaneous remission in alcoholics is slightly over 50 percent. That means that the annual rate of spontaneous remission is around 5 percent." And they claim AA has only a 5% success rate, which means AA doesn't really work, since 5% of the people relapse.

But is success based on whether people stop drinking forever, or keep trying? I mean, doesn't success mean walking the line? Progress, not perfection?

But I get why people don't like AA. Sometimes it really does seem cult-like. People who hang out there seem to ostracize folks who don't hang out as much - or at least these kids do. I've found some great meetings where people just talk to you when you're there, call every now and again when you're not, and don't try to shove it down your throat.

And people are God obsessed. But not really. It's not about God, it's about realizing you're not the most important person on earth.

So really, there are tons of things wrong with AA, but right when you look closer. But I get why people don't like it. It's a lot of work - it's a commitment. It's the same commitment it would take to keep drinking; the same amount of time can be spent doing one thing or the other. But I get why people don't like it.

Good news: Livers grow back!

Cirrhosis is no joke, but man, some times I thought my liver was swollen. Sometimes I could see it sticking out. It was getting bigger, I swear.

"When someone engages in heavy drinking over a long period of time, the liver becomes swelled and fatty."

Swelled and fatty! Then the liver cells die and it becomes scar tissue. Gross. I wonder what my liver looks like after 17 years of drinking, and at least 7 years of that in black out drunk drinking. Man, I used to drink so much I would wake up on the metro somewhere in another state and have to turn around to try and stay awake enough to make it to my stop. Then I would stumble the half mile home, sometimes in the snow or rain, just trying to stay sober enough to walk.

I've had some friends complain that they think their liver sticks out. I really want one of those whole body scans. I want to see what it looks like in there, especially since my meds work through the liver. My therapist was reminding me that caffeine isn't so hot for the liver, either, and I need to be careful.

What's really cool is "When a portion of a normal liver is removed, the remaining liver can grow back (regenerate) to the original size within one to two weeks. A cirrhotic liver, however, cannot grow back." So as long as it's not scarred, my liver might be just fine.

Emotional Sobriety

We've talked a little about emotional sobriety, and I found something that I thought was interesting to share.

"Emotional intelligence consists of four core abilities:

Self-awareness – The ability to recognize your own emotions and how they affect your thoughts and behavior, know your strengths and weaknesses, and have self-confidence.

Self-management – The ability to control impulsive feelings and behaviors, manage your emotions in healthy ways, take initiative, follow through on commitments, and adapt to changing circumstances.

Social awareness – The ability to understand the emotions, needs, and concerns of other people, pick up on emotional cues, feel comfortable socially, and recognize the power dynamics in a group or organization.

Relationship management – The ability to develop and maintain good relationships, communicate clearly, inspire and influence others, work well in a team, and manage conflict."

So I've got social awareness down, and I'm pretty sure I'm good in the relationship management part, but the italicized stuff is tough for me, and I'm sure for a lot of you.

Oh, to know my strengths and weaknesses. To finish my fourth step. Yeah, I know, I'm still behind in that manner. I've been working on thinking about doing it. I'm still waiting to look at it and think, "Oh yeah, that's why I do that." And a lot of reasons why I "do that" is the other thing, self-management. I'm impulsive. I know it. I say what's on my mind, sometimes to the determent of the conversation. I pick up and move in a week because I think it's the right thing to do (and it was. I'm just saying, I'm often right.)

Perhaps some of this will end up on my fourth step, but I don't know how you do things about emotional sobriety. I need to recognize these character defects and be able to, well, to at least recognize them. I suppose once I know what they are I'll be better able to handle them.

Love is for keeps

"How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?"

It was a gradual change, and it took me a bit to notice, but it was all there: love and understanding. It wasn't one friend, but all of them. They showed me caring and compassion I've never known, or perhaps just never noticed.

As you all know by now, I quit drinking on May 27, 2010. I was wasted the night before, and realized I was wasting my life. I was filling that sad hole inside with booze and drugs, and I was miserable. I didn't want to end up 40 and that drunken embarrassment. And so I quit. I made up my mind, and I did it.

I got a sponsor and let myself follow all the traditions of AA. And I made friends, I loved it. I moved here 4 months later and got a new sponsor. "You hang out with people who drink?" she wondered. "Our friends when we were drinking hung out because we were fun; because we drank." Really? But I was pretty sure my friends loved me.

But as the months passed I noticed something. My relationships all changed. Something happened. Each day they counted on me a little bit more. I wasn't the one who would come over just to drink, and so they invited me over more. We had dinner and sat around drinking coffee. At parties it was always, "Is it ok if I have a drink? I don't have to if it makes you want one." They were so considerate of my new found sobriety.

As the months passed they relied on me more. They called me in the middle of the night to talk about their problems; they trusted me to be there for them and not to be drunkenly complaining about my life, or whatever I did blacked out on the phone. And so it all changed. Gradually, but my friends made my life better, and I contributed to theirs in a healthier way. My whole perspective on friendship changed when I got sober: I knew I had love in my life. I knew it was for keeps.

Blame the simple sugars

Oh, the rats! Scientists fed rats with predispositions to mental illness and control rats diets high in simple sugars and the rates all went nuts.

"What if the increase of simple sugars in the American diet is contributing to the increase of these diseases?"

So maybe it's the sugars and not that more people are predisposed to depression? More people are getting depression lately; the numbers have been going up for a while. Maybe it's all the crap we eat like fast foods and sugary sodas and cereals. Maybe that's what is making it all worse?

I wonder.

Depression can make you smoke

Depression and smoking can go hand in hand. "24 percent of surveyed callers to the California Smokers' Helpline currently suffered from major depression and 17 percent of callers had mild depression." Those smokers that had depression were less likely to stay quit than their non-depressed counterparts.

I think that's what has happened to me in the past. I was smoke free for over a year once, and then something happened with my mom and my first reaction was to go buy a pack of cigarettes. Once you get over the smell and taste of the first one (which makes you gag) you can easily continue. I know how silly that sounds, but man is smoking one hard addiction to quit. I've had more moments where I want to smoke than I have where I want to drink.

The Abilify has been really helpful. I think it has kept me out of depression during this rough period, and really helped. I hope not to switch back into depression, but the longer I'm unemployed the more unhappy I seem to be getting. It's just a lot of rejection and a huge time suck. All I do is blog and apply for jobs. I'd like to be working! I would like to hang out in an office with people other than my dad, even though he's cool.

I hope, though, if I'm unemployed for a while longer I don't just pick back up the smoking. I'd like to stay quit this time. I like how I smell; I like how my mouth tastes; I like that I'm not gross.

You're so vain

This just makes me laugh:

"Seeing the effect smoking will have on their faces shocks women into giving up the habit."

We're so damn vain! But I do have to admit, it was one of my reasons, too. I see all those haggard looking women at meetings, some who are 50 and look 60, and think: that could be me one day. I, too, could have wrinkly, paper thin skin and look ashen. Ugh. So I laugh, but I know it's true. Vanity can help you quit smoking.

I wish they had pictures in this article.

HP can keep you sober

Sometimes they say alcoholism is a spiritual malady; a hole in the soul, if you will.

"However, new research shows that as attendance of AA meetings increase, so do the participants spiritual beliefs, especially in those individuals who had low spirituality at the beginning of the study."

So that belief in a higher power actually does do you some good. It can help you heal that alcohol problem you have. In other words, rely on your higher power. But don't let it be the fellowship for too long. Mr. Sponsorpants hates that. Because:

"It's not the fellowship which gets us drunk. It's our unrealistic expectations, our ego, our resentments, towards people in AA which will get us drunk -- it's on us, not on them, not on the fellowship."

Only a higher power is something that can lead your life, and lead you to a life free of alcohol. Something or some people that can lead to resentments (because no one is perfect) will get you back on the bottle in time. Of course, lots of people develop resentments against their God; even Mother Theresa was mad at God in her journals. But if you rely on that higher power you can let go.

Being a teen is hard

Another study on those poor rats. They found that kids who binge drink in high school, or who smoke pot before the age of 16, have higher levels of cortisol, which is associated with high stress levels.

“That is the same type of profile that we see in adult patients who have been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder” and other mood disorders, says Pak. “They are not able to get used to stressors and they have very exaggerated responses to mild stress....Stress can pull the trigger on the genetic gun.”

In other words: that high stress life in childhood might just be the trigger that set off your genetic pre-disposition to depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, or other diseases/disorders.

I know I had a lot of drug/drink use in high school, as well as a lot of external family stressors. They know kids who are lonely are also predisposed to this kind of disorder, and I sure had 2 years in public school where I had one friend, and I was absolutely miserable. I had a boyfriend who was just with me to make his ex jealous, and I still think that some guys are tricking me. Especially with Adam. I thought it was too good to be true.

I wonder all the time if a lot of my bipolar symptoms are actually the result of all that LSD I did in high school. I was up to maybe 16 tabs, which is past the "legal limit" for sanity. I wonder, too, what my brain looks like. And what my poor liver looks like. I should donate my body to science.

5 minutes in Salzburg

"Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010."

Wow, what would I remember most about 2010. There's so much! The feeling of being sober for the first time; the smell of being smoke free for the first time in 15 years; the sensation of moving cross-country and starting a life over.

But I think the thing I wouldn't want to forget is Salzburg, Austria in the snow. It was a beautifully overcast morning in this medieval looking town. The huge fortress bore down on the landscape, surrounded by snow-capped mountains. I took my coffee in the sunroom and watched the snow start it's drifting to the ground. I watched as it covered the rooftops and chilled the air.

After breakfast I bundled up and headed outside. Into the cold, and out in the snow, the world was perfect. The little city buzzed with people on their way to work. The old Mirabell plaza was covered in white flakes, and the chimes of the church bells rang out into the silence. I stood in the gardens and felt the snow fall in large flakes onto my nose and eyelashes. It stuck in between the toes of the golden statue. It coated the trees and the fountains.

Riding the gondola up to the fortress, the snow kept falling. Unlike in certain states, the snow didn't deter people from going about their business, but like snow everywhere it made the world a silent haven for thought. The fortress itself was chilled and windy. The old windows letting in every draft, the thick stone floors chilling you through your boots.

But the view. The tiny city of Salzburg covered in snow. At once, I wanted to live there: to be a part of the snow all the time. I wanted that morning in the sunroom, that walk to the gardens, that chill in the middle of the alps. It was perfect.

Snow, snow, I love you so

Just a note from the Christmas obsessed: send out Christmas (or holiday) cards! People don't get enough stuff in the mail anymore. It's nice when you open your mailbox and find something wonderful from a friend. Don't you love getting a personal letter instead of junk mail?

So go get some cards and send them out to people on your list. It only took me a little while to get everyone to send me their address, and now they'll get a little cheer in the mail.

Happy holidays to you all!

Boys are stupid

"Why do you want me to stay? Are you just lonely or do you want me to stay?"
"Why a why question? Can't we just be best friends and sit here together and not have to talk about our feelings? Can't we just hang out?"
"I think it's a legitimate question. Are you using me? I think I should go."

And then I stayed. I'm an idiot. You all know how I feel about him, and he knows it, too, and I even said, "This kind of stuff is hard for me, because I just want you, and I want you to want me. I'm fine being on the couch and hanging out, but when you want to cuddle with me all night I get the wrong idea." But I stayed anyway.

I'm going to get hurt. I feel fine today - we cuddled all night long, really. Just that. But he kept touching my face and brushing back my hair. "Why do I want to kiss you right now?" He said in the car yesterday. I asked him not to say that stuff out loud unless he's going to do it.

He confuses me. We're best friends, and I love him. I do. But I also love him, and I can't seem to make it go away. He acts like he loves me, but talks like he doesn't.

Boys are stupid.

UPDATE: He just called. "I had therapy this afternoon. You know I'm slow to process things. I just wanted to let you know that it's you I want to be there. I like your company. I want to hang out with you, not someone else. It's not because I just want a body in my bed." This all makes me feel better. I don't want to be used, even if I'm using myself, in a way. He still makes me crazy. I just want to make love (hate how cheesy that sounds) to him. I want to, as we used to joke, fuse. Sigh.

My head goes buzza buzza

My therapist calls it "limbo." It's that state I'm in right now where nothing is certain; where I don't really have anything, per se, I'm just holding. My life is all up in the air.

And it's true in all corners of my life. The unemployment for one. I can't really seem to find a job I want that wants me, too. I would like a nice career, but I suppose I just need someone to give me an offer before I can start being picky. And this all prevents me from settling down. Even if I'm going to stay in this area, it's got a lot of suburbs to the city, and I wouldn't know where I would be settling down. What state would I even register my car in? It's all up for grabs.

I can't really settle here, anyway, because now I'm looking all over the place for jobs. Who knows what city, what state I'll end up in. So I can't do things like get a regular hair cut person, or find an AA home group. I mean, I can do all these things, and I have, but I know they are just temporary, so I'm not holding on to them or investing much in them. It's all limbo.

And there's so much uncertainty to that. Will I be here 6 months from now still wondering why I don't have a job, and desperate enough to take any old thing that comes along? Will I be living up north? Will I be with Adam (since I'll have a year by then, and he'll have no excuse)? What does my life hold? I suppose these are the things that keep me up at night.

Come with me

I can't sleep. It's 4am and I'm just lying here, thinking about Adam. Damn him. He was talking about maybe going back into the service (he got out about 6 years ago) to become a doctor. I think he would be wonderful at it, and it would be a great career decision for him. But I would miss him. I don't know where they train doctors, but I'm sure it's like Germany or something. And then he'd owe another 8 years after training to the service. And I'm sure he'd end up in Afghanistan or North Korea (cause I'm sure they'll be a war there by then).

And I would miss him. I would want him to be safe, too, and I would worry about him all the time. I was just lying here thinking: what would he do with all his stuff? Well, maybe if I got a 2 bedroom (assuming I get the small town job, cause then I could afford it), and gave him a bedroom to put all his stuff in. I would start his car once a week to make sure it stayed ok, and keep his clothes and the dressers that I'm sure he'll never get rid of (though I hate them).

It's hard to be in love with someone and have them return it, but not take the reins and just be with you. He makes me crazy.

He missed me

Last night Adam called and said he was a block away. "I miss you. I want a hug." Alright, I said. Come on over.

I haven't seen him in about 3 weeks. I was up north for Thanksgiving, and then cross-country last week. The week in between was just crazy busy. He asked if I was passively pulling away from him, and I kind of was after the conversation we had about me loving him for the past 6 years, and after my therapist said I just needed to let go. I think I've let go. I've decided that if it happens, it happens, but if not, I need to be ok with that. I've expanded my search for a job to places that would be far from him, keeping us apart again.

It's sad, because we really love each other. He couldn't stop holding me last night, and kept kissing my forehead, or kissed my neck once. He was just getting super close to me. We even lay on my bed for a minute and cuddled. Oh, I'm so stupid. I was pulling back just fine, and then I see him and all I want to do again is be with him.

"Whatever this is, and I love you, whatever this is between us, I don't want to put all my eggs in someone else's basket. I want to be whole, first," he said. I understand. It's like they always say, you've got to love yourself before you love anyone else. But I think he's missing an opportunity. I think he's missing out on me, and perhaps he'll miss out on someone else by focusing too much on fixing everything. No one is whole - we all have pieces missing, I think.

I wonder if he would follow me this time. He's looking for new positions in his field, and I wonder if he would look for something with me. If we moved up north we could find a house really easily. We could try living together and see if we would kill each other, which I doubt. I wonder.

In the snow belt

Just had another interview, this time in a small town in the middle of nowhere, but a good job, and a Director position. It's in the same town as my little cousin, and only one hour to family, and one hour to a big city. It would be CHEAP to live in, and the high end of the salary is what I was making before, so I would be able to save a lot of money.

Sounds good, right? I love visiting up there, and it has really cool old farm houses I could live in. Hardwood floors, fireplaces, lots of room. I'm looking around and I could even find a place with a washer/dryer for under $700.

But living in the snow belt and in a small northern town? I'm not sure what the dating situation looks like up there, but I'm sure it's a small pool - though one of the premier medical schools is there, and there are at least 5 colleges around. Not that I'm looking for a college kid, but that means professors.

It's something I would have to think about more, and this City job would let me know before I'd hear back from the small town job, anyway. So if I have a smaller number of options, I might just take it (if they offer it to me). We shall see.

Thanks, Mom

In the past year I've been all over the place. I've been across the world, and across the States. I've been jobless and job-full, and lonely or not. But the one thing I've come to appreciate the most is family. How pat, I know! But really. Without them, I wouldn't have been able to accomplish anything. Especially, my mom.

My mom and I have an interesting relationship. She's bipolar as well, but she's what you would really call nuts. I'm just a little off - I make stupid decisions and get a little kooky, but I've never done a quarter of the things she has.

When I was growing up, it was always "save mom." She would run away to foreign lands, only to end up homeless and then in the local mental hospital. Europe especially doesn't like when you use their systems and you're not part of the Union, so it was off to rescue her and bring her home. Sometimes, she would just wander the streets of the city, usually naked, and get picked up by the police. It was always my duty to rescue her.

But in the past 2 years, she's been stable. So I took a chance. "Mom, will you come out and watch the dog while I'm in Europe?" It was a huge leap of faith for me. Mom would have my car, my dog, my house. Would she burn it down? Would she try to kill herself again and have no one to rescue her? Would she kill my dog? All valid questions 5 years ago. But I let her do it anyway. And you know what? She was fantastic.

Now, she's dog-napped my dog again, and they are having the time of their lives. She's also got my car again, and hasn't crashed it yet (knock on wood). She's living a responsible life. Who would have thunk?

So appreciate I do. I appreciate her taking her meds and becoming the mom I always wanted: the one I don't have to care for, but who will care for me. Thanks mom.

And they say it all burns off

"According to a 2007 USDA study, even after simmering or baking for two hours, more than 10 percent of alcohol remains; quick flamed desserts retain about 75 percent of the original alcohol; and stirring alcohol into hot liquid without further cooking retains 85 percent of its original potency."

I always wondered about this kind of thing. People always talk about how all the alcohol burns off when you cook with it, but I know a lot of alcoholics avoid anything even made with alcoholic anything, including vanilla and other extracts. Apparently, they're right: it does retain a lot of the alcohol in there, and for a lot of people that's enough of a trigger, or enough to get them going.

I don't know if I wrote about it, but I had tiramisu a few months ago. It's my favorite dessert, but it's made with a lot of alcohol. Sigh. No more tiramisu for me, I suppose. I'm not one of those folks that feels the need to drink vanilla extract just for the alcohol, but better safe than sorry, especially in my first year.

Plus, I just feel so great without any alcohol in my system, so why would I want to put it back in, even in small quantities?

Directionless?

I just saw a tweet that said, "Pay close attention to the direction that you are heading, it’s probably where you will end up." It made me think. What direction am I pointed in? Where am I headed?

I think I'm pointing myself in the direction of a career move; back to what I was originally trained to do, and what I enjoy doing. I have applied for a million jobs in this small sector, and I've heard from a few that they want to interview me. But I'm going to be picky. The one in the City looks like the best one right now. All the others are either just jobs - something I know I can do and do well, but that is a little boring.

Where else am I pointing myself? Where are you pointing you?

A break up by any other name

I did it. I broke up with my sponsor. I called and said, "Listen, I just don't think I can dedicate the time to AA right now, what with all the other crap going on in my life. I don't want to waste your time or mine." She was really great about it. "Just keep my number and feel free to call me anytime, even if it's a year from now."

I feel like a jerk, but kind of relieved. You all know my problems with her, but I'll recap a little. I think she just dedicated her life to AA, which is a great thing, but I want more than that. I don't want AA to be the central theme in my life. I don't want to have only friends in AA. I don't want to spend every night of my life doing AA related things. I want to keep the friends I have, and I don't necessarily want all of them to know I'm in AA.

And she's so young! I don't know if she really understands life, or life on life's terms. She definitely didn't understand the concept of a networking event, and how you can't just show up for a minute and leave. It's all about meeting the biggest amount of people, and giving out your business card. I understand she was worried that there would be booze there, but I think it was still important that I went.

And I know I feel better not having to lie to her. I mean, I didn't HAVE to, but I felt like she wouldn't understand my feelings about AA, and therefore I didn't let myself get close to her. One should be close to their sponsor; trust them with their life story. And I didn't.

So I need to find a new sponsor. It's time to go back to meetings more often, and seek out someone more like my original sponsor. Someone who gets life and knows AA can't be everything to me.

Change is fantastic

2010 = Change.

It all began on my birthday, really, not in January. Of course, that was only 2 months later. It began with a trip. I decided that in honor of the 30th year of my birth, I would take the time to treat myself. I gathered my resources and flew off to Europe to spend 2 weeks gallivanting around Switzerland, Austria, and Paris. I rented an apartment in Paris for a week and got to know the city in a way only a local can do. I got lost, I found treats, and I made sure to do all the touristy things I'd never done before. I walked the hell out of Paris.

By May I'd decided that alcohol was no longer a good influence on my life, and it had to go. I took that final step, and instead of drunkenly complaining about alcohol, I soberly took a pledge to stop drinking, and to seek help. I found the local AA meetings, got a sponsor, and started to take the steps seriously. I worked through the first 4, and gained a little serenity.

And then September. Oh, September. I lost my job. Fired, laid off, it's all the same. Whatever it was, it left me with a sense of relief, and yet a sense of pain and confusion. What a blow to the ego to lose your source of income and identification! What's the first question people ask? What do you do. And now I have to say: nothing. I job hunt. But again, a relief.

September also brought a big cross-country move, precipitated by the fact that I couldn't pay my rent without a job. I became a boomerang kid, and moved back in with my dad. I joined another group of statistics. It hasn't been bad - in fact, he's easy to live with.

In November I decided to gather another vice and throw it off the Anne train. Smoking had to go. After 15 years of half a pack a day, it was time to quit. And so I let go. I smoked my last cigarette on the 21st of November, and I haven't looked back.

It's the middle of December, and I've had over 10 interviews for new jobs. Will 2010 bring about another move and a new job, or will that be 2011? Whatever happens, 2010 will still be the best year of my life.

Unemployment rocks

Apparently I'll end up just as satisfied with life after unemployment as I was beforehand. I really hope not. I'm much more satisfied with life unemployed. Sure, there are tons of hardships and life is really uncertain, but it's better than working in a job you hate and struggling to get up in the morning.

There's nothing worse than hating what you do. When you have to get up in the morning and force yourself not to call in sick, there's something wrong. When you lose your job and feel nothing but relief, there was something wrong there.

I knew the job was bad the moment I walked in. My first manager turned out to be a micromanager who treated me more like an assistant than the manager I was. She would walk past the filing cabinet to put something that needed filing on my desk. How condescending. My second manager was fantastic, but spent most of her time out of the office. And we all know how my last manager worked. Crazy old man.

So it was a total relief to get out of there. I had been trying for months to get back to this coast, and it seemed to be working. I was getting interviews, and had a really good prospect. But unfortunately, that fell through at the last minute.

So here I am, unemployed and feeling pretty satisfied with the changes I've made in the past year, and hopeful for a great start to the new year.

In the City, ahhh ahhhh

Just had a great interview with the job in the City. It seems like a great position, building a team from the ground up. I like coming in to new departments and being able to start something that is mine. It also seems like a great organization. I also like that she didn't balk when I gave her my salary requirements.

They're looking to fill the position immediately - like by the end of the year, but I've heard that before. If they call me in for an interview, I would be able to get up there and look for apartments as well. Most of them call for a credit check, so maybe I should get that done now. I hope my credit is still good. I've been delinquent on some credit card payments lately, and I hope it hasn't bummed me down too much.

It's tough when you're moving and you aren't sure about the job yet. It would be tough to try to find a place and not know anything for sure. I don't want to go unless I'm positive that's the place I'm going to work. I need to take out some money, too, if I'm going to pay first and last months rent. Jesus, this process is just getting expensive!

Health insurance and jobs

I just canceled the "health insurance" I have, which as you know from previous posts, doesn't do anything. It is a prescription discount card, which discounted my $2,000 medication by $200. Still completely unaffordable. So instead of paying $200 a month for "insurance" I'll pay $967 every 3 months for prescriptions. It all about evens out, huh? Still highway robbery. I'd better get a job soon, or I'll run out of credit card space.

Speaking of money and jobs, I have 3 more interviews this week. One in the City, and one in two in a nearby northern state. One is close to my family up north, but far from any major town. It would be a tough dating situation, and I'm not sure I would want to do it. The other is at a premier organization, in a cool town, near my uncle.

I've had so many job interviews this year, and I just wish one of them would pan out. I'd like the ones farther away, I think. Not that this town isn't awesome, but the more I think about it, the better it was to be a little farther away from home. I love the people here, but it really does obligate me to spend a lot of time with them, and a lot of energy chasing my old friends.

We'll see!

Yes, Virginia

"Yes, Virginia," he wrote, "there is a Santa Claus. He exists certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy.... The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see.... Thank God! He lives, and he lives forever."

Just a little Christmas goo from Beyond Blue and me.

Rockin the pjs

Why are phone interviews still so nerve wracking? I mean, really, I'm going to sit here in my pjs with my hair all funky, probably before even brushing my teeth, and I'm going to put on my fake happy voice and talk about how professional I am. I might even still be lying in bed while it happens. So why am I up at 3am worrying about it?

Because I think this one sounds good. And because I'm always a nervous person. This job would be at a sober living foundation in the City, which would be great on a number of planes. I have always wanted to work in mental health, and that's about as close as I can come without being a therapist. I would be working for people who are trying to get their lives back together, and helping them do so by providing resources. How amazing. I'm always looking to work at a place with a great mission, and this one has it.

Also, I would get to move (again!) to a really cool place. I've never really given much thought to living there, but now that I'm thinking about it, it's pretty exciting. It's still close to home, and I have friends who live there or nearby already, so it wouldn't be like when I moved clear cross-country and knew no one. Although that was fun, too.

So I'm nervous. I'd like to get to know this woman a little and see if I could work with her. I don't know anyone who knows this foundation or the people who work there, so no go on the networking. I really don't want to take just another job, especially if I'm moving away from the security nest. I want a career. I want a place I can stay at least 5 years. How can you tell from an interview whether it's a real job or not? No idea.

My last job, I went in there with two pages of typed out questions I wanted to ask, and they all seemed to be answered satisfactorily. And look how that one turned out. Maybe I need a little help with the interview process. I know how to make myself look great, but how do I cut through their bs and find out who they really are? Maybe there lies the hub of my nerves.

A boomerang rants

That's right, I said Boomerang Generation. I hate those generational terms, like X, Y, Millenials, etc. This one also has a grating, shrill kind of tone in my ear. Boomerang. Like I couldn't make it on my own. But, well, that's exactly what it means.
"Some 37 percent of 18- to 29-year-olds are unemployed or out of the workforce entirely." We'll just pretend I'm still in the 29 year old range for the sake of the article. That's a lot of kids at home, and a lot of parents in retirement age still supporting young adults. Will this trend push back the retirement age of some of these parents? Lucky for my folks, they already retired.

So what does it mean to be a boomerang kid? Well, it means I can't support myself. It means I need assistance from mom and dad of some sort. For me, that means a roof over my head. I'm in my 4th month of unemployment, and I'm really glad I moved home. I wouldn't have been able to pay off my bills and rent at the same time. As it is, I'm still carrying heavy credit card debt which I won't even be able to touch. My measly unemployment covers my bills and that's it. And we won't even talk about my health insurance bills.

I suppose there's nothing wrong with moving home. Sure, your pride takes a massive hit, but I'm really lucky to have this fall back. What would I have done without this option? Well, I'd be car-less and living in a tent. Luckily, I own one already.

Tweet me!

Lord help me, I started Tweeting. Yep, it's technology-ville over here! I'm on Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, and if I had a cool phone I'd be doing FourSquare. As it is, I think blogging and updating status' all over the place is enough for me. I can't do any of it on my phone, except send tweets, so I'm sure it's all going to go down the wayside once I get a job.

For now, come follow me at #Sobrietybites. Or at least, I think that's how you do it.

One eye to the road

Holy crap: 30 million people admit to drunk driving. That's a lot of drunk folks on the road, and I suppose most of them are out now during the holiday party season. Sometimes I'm really glad I don't have my car right now.

But then again, I used to be one of those people. I was a really good drunk driver. I never got pulled over, I never (I don't think) hit anything, I never (I know) hit anyone. I never was in or caused an accident. But can any drunk driver be a good drunk driver?

You always know when someone is drunk if you're driving behind them. They're weavy, and over correct. You can kind of tell the amount of effort they are putting into driving. I always laugh at those folks, and let them pass. But I suppose quitting drinking is a lot like having kids: it makes you more of a stick in the mud. You know when you used to give a pass to all sorts of bad behavior because you did it too? And then something changed in you and you became the sort of person who reported those people. Well, I've hit that distinction.

Now, drunk drivers scare the bejeezus out of me. I call them in when I see them. I've heard too many horror stories at AA meetings about drunk crashes where someone has died, and I never want to hear another one. It's just scary out there thinking about all the folks with one eye closed glaring over the steering wheel. 30 million of us. All driving our way into someone else's front yard.

Actionable steps

"Action: When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?"

2010 has been all about action: taking actions to make myself a better person. Quitting drinking, quitting smoking, unexpectedly getting the time to think about my next career move, reconnecting with old friends, traveling, moving cities, and all the while staying sane. It's been one hell of a year. Now, here I sit, unemployed, 30, and living in my dad's house. I'm part of the boomerang generation. But you know what? It's great! I've got a clean slate. I'm starting 2011 with everything in my past, and a blank slate for today.

So what's my next action?

I think the obvious thing is: get a job. Why? Well, I can't live here forever. I suppose I could, but I don't want to. I want to redesign my life, and I need a job to do that. I would like to find a career, though. I'm sick of being at jobs I hate. I'd like to find a real job, with real potential to be a long term gig.

Again, what's my next action?

I've networked my butt off lately, and applied for close to 200 jobs all across the coast. I'm looking all over, at businesses big and small, inside my current field and out. It seems a wide net, but I've been careful to only apply to those that sound like they would be interesting. I usually just apply to things that seem like I could do them, which is where I think I've been going wrong.

My next action: relax.

Does that seem counter-intuitive? I don't think it is. I've worked so hard to find work, that I think I need to let myself live it up a little. I've been using all my free time to job hunt, network, interview, or hone my skills. I think it's time to enjoy my unemployment a little. I was able to do that some while across the States, but it took the form of shopping, which we all know is a killer for an unemployed chicka. So how do I relax? I usually do it by travel, but again, the money isn't there.

So how do I relax? More apt, how do I relax without drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes? You tell me!

It's only for the willing

"AA never suggests you do anything you're not willing to do. If we're not willing, that's what we work on first."

Mr. Sponsorpants was answering emails today and said this to someone. Willingness. I know that is a huge part of AA, and a huge part of anything. If you are going to get anything accomplished, you have to be willing. Willing to try, willing to do, etc.

When I first joined AA I was willing. I was willing to go to meetings every day; in fact, I enjoyed it. I was willing to really think through the steps and read everything I could on them, conference approved literature or not. I was willing to get a sponsor and listen to her advice. I had willingness up the wazoo.

And now? Why am I not willing to listen to my sponsor? I think I just don't respect her. Not that she's a bad person, or stupid, or anything, but I just don't know if she has enough life experience to be telling anyone else to do anything. I know I need a new sponsor.

And why haven't I gone to meetings every day? I'm willing, yes, I just keep getting distracted by interviews or other obligations, and by the time I can pull my head up, it's 8 and my only option is the 8:30 meeting in the next town. Just thinking about going drains me. It's not a far drive, or even bad parking, but it's the fact of getting up, driving there, etc. that just gets me. I'm lazy once I've had dinner. I settle in to the couch and don't want to leave. Part of it is that being social so late keeps me up at night, but look, it's midnight and I'm up anyway. I could have hit the meeting and still accomplished the nothing that I've accomplished anyway.

So where did my willingness go? Has the shine worn off AA? Is it just because I don't like AA here as much as I did there? It is very different. I'm beginning to think it's the sponsor. I really need to just break up with her. AA shouldn't be something you have to force yourself to do, and I feel like I'm forcing myself to like her.

Stop talking about it and do it

Thanks to Guinevere over on Guinevere Gets Sober for turning me on to Reverb10. "Reverb 10 is an annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next." I am woefully behind, but I'm going to start with yesterday's prompt: what are 11 things my life doesn't need in 2011.

I can not believe it's almost 2011, by the way. I think in 2010 I've been able to get rid of a hell of a lot so far. It's been the year of shedding bad vices and pulling myself into a new way of life. So what else can I shed? What else can I get rid of?

1. Diet Coke. That's right, I can rid myself of one more addiction. Will I do it? Tune in....

2. Laziness. How in the hell is that possible! I have to figure out why I'm so lazy, first, which leads me to....

3. Procrastination.

4. Clothes. I have a Loft addiction, and my closet is bursting with price tags from new clothes. I don't have a lot of closet space, and I sure as hell don't have anywhere else to put things (no dresser space), so it's time to purge.

5. Lying. I've got to stop lying to my sponsor about going to meetings. Jesus, this is like a fourth step list now!

6. All of these things seem to be in the "addict behavior" category. My addictions, like diet Coke and shopping. My behaviors like lying, procrastinating, being lazy, and impulsive. Doing stuff under the radar and doing things I know I shouldn't, like sleeping with Michael and talking about getting married just for the health insurance. All these things are old behaviors I really need to get rid of.

All of these things I can rid myself of, but all in a year? I suppose that's where AA comes in. Actually DOING my fourth step instead of stopping mid-stream and ignoring it for a while. So maybe that's my end of year resolution: do my fourth step.

I eat dirt

They always say, "things were better/different then." I know my dad talks a lot about simpler times, and how kids used to just wake up and go outside to find something to do. Kids would just play with sticks and dirt, sometimes getting it under their fingers and into their mouths. Kids were always covered in mud. At least, I was. And now, it may be that the mud was good for us.

"Rates of depression in younger people have steadily grown to outnumber rates of depression in the older populations and researchers think it may be because of a loss of healthy bacteria."

Kids now a days (now I sound old) are just sitting around inside playing Wii, using the internet, and texting their friends instead of going outside and making up games. Besides being couch bound, which is horrible for your health, it makes them less able to protect themselves from depression because they don't get that dirt!

So send your kids, and yourself, outside for a bit. Leave your wired world behind and make a fort. Get some dirt under your nails. Eat it.

I love my horoscope

I like this one:

"For Sunday, December 12 -If you sense something new coming today, you are correct -- right around the corner there is an opportunity coming that will challenge and excite you. Your instincts, as usual, are totally on target. This is just one more confirmation that you are taking the right path."

Oh! Something awesome this way comes, so says the horoscope. The more I'm looking at moving into the City, the more it looks pretty cool. I wouldn't mind another big city. I really like them, and this one also has great public transportation. I wouldn't mind selling my car and avoiding $400 a month in car and insurance fees. That's money towards a nicer apartment! Plus, my mom has officially dog-napped my dog, so I don't have those bills anymore. It's sad, because I do love the little bugger, but it does make life easier. I don't have to worry about him being home alone, because she's retired, and that makes me happy. He's loving life.

So I have this interview tomorrow. It's a big organization, so I'm hoping the pay scale is large, too. I don't know what I would ask for, because I'm not sure what the scale looks like there. I need to do a little research, first.

Thin brains

More on smoking: Smoking can thin the lining of the brain, which is already thinned by age. It can lead to cognitive problems and such, and they've found that the thinning takes place (for smokers) right in the part of the brain that deals with addictions.

"The orbitofrontal cortex has frequently been implicated in drug addiction. The current findings suggest that smoking-related cortical thinning may increase the risk for addictions, including smoking." All addictions? So if you have a thinner lining of your brain, are you more prone to addictions in general? I would love to know.

The next study they say they're going to do is look at whether quitting smoking repairs the lining. Now that would be nice.

Smoke a little smile off your face

Quitting smoking might make you happier. "Researchers tracked the symptoms of depression in people who were trying to quit and found that they were never happier than when they were being successful, for however long that was."

It's actually amazing, I haven't been depressed since I quit. Once the horrible snottiness wore off, I still didn't want a cigarette, and I still don't. It's been two weeks, and no signs of wanting to cut myself or anything like that. It's been relatively easy. I'm not sure why. Maybe quitting really does make you happy.....