I saw three ships come sailing in on Christmas day....

It was a merry, merry Christmas for me. I hope it was for you, too! It even snowed a little. We're supposed to get more tomorrow, and it's supposed to stick. I'm so happy!

Adam and my mom came over to hang out with my dad's family for Christmas. My mom emailed me later to say it broke her heart to hang out with all those happy people that she was "ripped away from." Come on. She initiated the divorce, it's been 17 years, and my dad only went through with it because we had to commit her and she ran away to Europe and disappeared. What the hell was he supposed to do? I saw how it broke his heart, and she's lucky any of them talk to her. But they're all bigger people than that. They like her, crazy or no. It just bugs the hell out of me. She makes herself the victim, the martyr. Ugh. Gross. Take responsibility for yourself!

Adam and I went to a meeting after dinner, and hung out with one of his friends. He and I went back to his house so he could give me a present. He got me the most awesome present! He knows what I like. I'm wearing a necklace he gave me 7 years ago for Christmas. He noticed, of course. We were walking out the door and he said, "You missed your opportunity," and pointed up. There was some mistletoe. I reached up and kissed him on the cheek, and he pulled me back in under the mistletoe and gave me a long, wonderful kiss.

In the car he said, "I don't want to over analyze that kiss, I mean, I'm in no place to date," blah, blah, blah. I don't know what he's scared of. Getting hurt, I'm sure, but aren't we all afraid of that? Don't we have to take risks? Look at me, yelling at everyone tonight. I'm the Christmas Grinch!

No, really, I'm not upset. I'm happy for the kiss. I really enjoyed it. I love his lips, his kisses. Sigh.

Merry Christmas!!!!

Sober, not somber

I went to that holiday party tonight. The one I was going to bail out of. My dad convinced me to go. "Cathy and Laura are both pregnant, so they won't be drinking. And I don't drink. Plus, you've got to learn how to be around people who drink. Just have some water, it's what I do." He's a smart man, my pop.

So I went, and it was fine. The boys were all drinking home brewed beer, and I had a moment of panic when they didn't have diet Coke, but I was fine with water and cookies. I think my cousin had A beer the whole time, and Mike maybe had two. So it was basically a sober evening. And you know what? It was still fun! We were able to laugh and play with my baby cousin without being drunk. We watched old movies and Yo Gabba Gabba.

Oh, and I ate my share of cookies. I had a sugar cookie, a chocolate chip cookie, one of those ones with a Hershey kiss in the middle....

God is the fabric of your life

I went to Christmas mass with the family tonight and got to see a lot of little kids doing the Christmas pageant and singing while dressed up as angels. They had the little tinsel halos on, just like I did when I sang in the choir as a kid. Some things never change.

I sat there, well, stood there because there were too many people, and listened to kids read the gospels and letters about Jesus, and listened to the incredible Christmas carols by the church choir/band. Usually I hate that church because they have a band, and I don't want a bunch of people up there making up songs or singing stuff written in the 1970s. I want something written in the 1790s. I like the original sounds of Christmas, besides Mariah Carey, of course.

But the best part of the mass was the homily. The priest commented on a man he met earlier in the day who he had to turn away from the free lunch program because they had closed for the day. It was the man's birthday, and so the priest gave him a dollar for every year of his life. "Since you can't come in here, where are you going to go?" "Assembly of God is open," he replied. The church roared with laughter. See, Assembly of God isn't a Catholic church, but it is right down the road.

And the priest's point was, and he said: "God is in the fabric of everything. He's in the fabric of that man's life, he's in the fabric of my life, and he's in the fabric of yours."

God is everywhere. He's in all things we do, and all things we see. He's everywhere. He's in the flowers and the animals, the people around you, the snow or the sun. It's pretty amazing. And what a nice thought at this Christmastime. I keep getting away from the church just because I never want to wake up on Sunday's, but I do like going to church. I think I'm going to start getting up again.

I ran!

I got my ass off the sinking spot on the couch where I spend my days and went to the gym. I ran for 40 minutes, completing not a lot of miles. I'm supposed to be doing 9 miles on Sunday. I'm not sure I'll make it, but I'm going to do at least 6. I promised myself I would get as far as the highway.

Treating myself well, including eating well today, has made my day a little better. I feel more refreshed now that I've worked out. I even inspired Michael to work out today. He's definitely planning on doing 9 this weekend, but he says he's going to do it tomorrow - Christmas.

I can't wait for Christmas. I love it so much. I love just seeing my dad in the Santa hat opening his presents. I love listening to my cousin's excitement as he opens every gift - he just gets so riled up! I love Christmas.

So I'm going to enjoy the holiday and try to be good to myself some more.

Uncertainty

Reverb today asks: What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

I could say the moment my therapist reminded me how lucky I am to have a safe place to fall. I could say watching snow fall and remembering why I wanted to come back here in the first place. I could say a lot of things about this year. But, they might be false memories. I don't know if everything is going to be alright.

There's so much uncertainty in my life right now: joblessness, dealing with addictions and wondering if I can do it on my own, Adam, finding a place to live, medical coverage. Everything is up in the air. I feel like I can't put down roots anywhere. Like the therapist says, I'm in limbo.

So is it all going to be alright? Yes, I'm sure it will be. Do I believe it yet? Maybe.

Paulo Coelho speaks

Traditional religious practices are important: they allow us to share with others the communal experience of adoration and prayer. But we must never forget that spiritual experience is above all a practical experience of love. And with love, there are no rules. Some may try to control their emotions and develop strategies for their behavior; others may turn to reading books of advice from "experts" on relationships---but this ia all folly. The heart decides, and what it decides is all that really matters.

All of us have had this experience. At some point, we have each said through our tears, "I'm suffering for a love that's not worth it." We suffer because we feel we are giving more than we recieve. We suffer because our loe is going unrecognized. We suffer because we are unable to impose our own rules.

But ultimately there is no good reason for our suffering, for in every love lies the seed of our growth. The more we love, the closer we come tto spiritual experience. Those who are truly enlightened, those whose souls are illuminated by love, have been able to overcome all of the inhibitions and preconceptions of ther era. They have been able to sing, to laugh, and to pray out loud; they have danced and shared what Saint Paul called "the madness of santliness." They have been joyful---because those who love conquer the world and have no fear of loss. True love is an act of total surrender.

(Text: Source:
Paulo Coelho writes in Author's Note of the story "By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept")

What is love?

Paulo Coelho is my favorite author. He writes a lot about love; self-love and love of others. He defines it in many ways, and has written numerous novels about it. He says, “Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.”

Ahh, waiting. We've all agreed that I have no patience. Waiting for love is an incredibly hard thing to do, but waiting for unrequited love is worse. It's something you know isn't coming, but you wait anyway. But yet, forgetting is painful, too. Forgetting means letting go; stop obsessing, stop thinking about it, stop making plans. What I need to do is make a decision. Do I forget, or do I wait some more?

I always have reasons to wait a little longer. I always see some sort of potential out there, some sort of something to hold on to. Well, perhaps it's time to let go. Perhaps that's my new year's resolution. Perhaps that's what I'll do: forget.

All I want for Christmas are Mariah Carey's shoes

A wellness toolbox

Develop a wellness toolbox

Come up with a list of things that you can do for a quick mood boost. Include any strategies, activities, or skills that have helped in the past. The more “tools” for coping with depression, the better. Try and implement a few of these ideas each day, even if you’re feeling good.

1. Spend some time in nature.
2. List what you like about yourself.
3. Read a good book.
4. Watch a funny movie or TV show.
5. Take a long, hot bath.
6. Listen to music.
7. Take care of a few small tasks.
8. Play with a pet.
9. Write in your journal.
10. Do something spontaneous.

A little self loving

Like any addiction, love addiction therapy recommends self-care as a tool to healing. Something I'm doing for self-care right now is listening to Christmas music. I love it so much. I can't wait for this time of year. I decorate, make Christmas cookies, listen non-stop to Christmas music, and pray for snow. It really is the most wonderful time of the year for me.

Some other things I'm doing for self-care are eating well, blogging (it's like journaling, which spell-check says is not a word), thinking about exercising (ok, so I did it once this week. Maybe I'll get out there again), and spending quality time with my dad and grandma. I suppose napping is self-care, but not at the rate I do it. I sleep all the time, which is probably a bad thing. I'm just so tired. I can't seem to sleep at night, and then I sleep during the day, almost all day. When I get up I just don't have the energy for anything. I need to fix that before I hit a bad depression.

What else can I do for self-care? I can take a hot shower. I'm freezing in here, and I need to wash my hair. I only do it every 3 days or so, because it's better for colored hair. I have this nice shampoo and conditioner that I treated myself to. It's nice to take a long shower like that. I wonder what else I can do?

Yes, there is a love addicts anonymous

Really, Love addict totally nails it for me. "Enters relationship in haze of fantasy--found this stable, strong, accepting individual." "Love addict acts out anger & revenge, turns to affairs and addictive sex." "Line up next relationship before leaving current one--forming love triangles. Instant closeness, looking for “magic” feeling."

Sigh. Yes, there is a love addicts anonymous, and they have 40 questions about whether or not you are a love addict. "More than once, you have carried a torch for someone and it was agonizing." Sigh, two. I have that unhealthy obsession with Adam we've talked about. I totally want him and he doesn't want me. I agonize over why he doesn't want me. I think about it and daydream, and dream, about the day we'll be together. And it makes me crazy. These are totally love addict responses.

So what to do? I'm sure as hell not going to go to more meetings, even if there were some in the area. I have enough trouble hitting AA meetings. So what do I do? I'm sure someone out there would say to use the steps. Do a sex inventory. Make amends to all the people I've cheated on (all of them except Adam). Most of my amends list is just these boys anyway. I suppose it's time to start working on my co-dependency problem.

A lot of the info out there talks about not being able to let go; remaining friends with all your exes; keeping them in love with you. I do that. Michael admitted he's still in love with me, and I do everything to keep it that way. We have sex when I see him (though we hadn't for months), I let him take me out to dinner, etc. I'm great friends with all of my exes, even the fiance I left and cheated on. I don't know why, but he still talks to me. A lot of them talk about how I'm the one who got away. They're crazy! I was a manipulative bitch who cheated on them, and they all know it!

Love addict. Co-dependent. Totally makes more sense than commitment-phobe.

Love addict?

The title of the article below is "Healthy Sexuality for Co-Dependents." Co-dependency is defined as "is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others."

The article says: "Our sexual energy may be blocked. Or for some of us, sex may be the only way we learned to connect with people. Our sexuality may not be connected to the rest of us; sex may not be connected to love – for others or ourselves."

Sex has never been connected to love for me. Sex for me is a way to get to know people better, to connect to them. It's just something fun to do. I always worry about the other person and if they enjoy it, and Michael always said I get really passive. I'm not a passive person at all, I don't think, but during sex I totally am.

I'm not sure what any of this means, or how to fix it. There's tons of stuff out there about sex and co-dependency, but I just can't weed through it all. I know I don't have an addiction, per se. I guess the best description is a love addict/avoidant person.

In that last article it has a chart, and one of the things a love addict/avoidant does is "Avoidant gradually becomes distant and shuts down, abandons relationship in some way." That is totally me. Remember when we were talking about commitment issues? This sounds more like it. I idealize and obsess over the person, and then pull away, often getting angry at the person for no reason whatsoever. Fascinating.

I'm not a quitter

"Don't give up before the miracle happens."

I don't think I'm "giving up," per se. I'm sure as hell not giving up on sobriety. It was the best gift I've given to myself. I feel better, I think better, I drive better. My sobriety is important to me. I'm not going to bars or putting myself in situations where everyone is drinking. I'm taking it one day at a time and committing to myself.

And I'm not "quitting" AA. I'm just...reconsidering. Thinking about whether I want to keep sober through AA. I don't know. I think it's a great program, and I've seen it work. I just don't know if I need it.

A good place to go

"AA is a helpful framework for creation because there is an entire fellowship of people and a bunch of meetings established for you to go to. An active life in AA can be an answer to the question: “What am I going to do with myself now that I’m not drinking?” Being actively involved in AA can replace the absence of drinking with something meaningful, but it is not the only solution available to you. It is merely a convenient one."

It's true: AA is a place to go to replace the bar. It's a great place to meet people who will give you support in your sobriety. And at times like the holidays, it's a great place to go when you feel you can't go to any other party. A lot of people say spend as much time going to meetings as you did drinking. Use that same time to do something good for yourself instead. As of most of AA's suggestions, it's a good one.

It is awfully convenient considering there are tons of AA meetings all over the place. I mean, there are 5 clubs just in a 10 mile radius of me. They're great places to hang out in and meet with people who have sobriety in mind.

Access to meds

Something you would think is obvious:

"...psychiatric patients who reported access problems with their medication visited the emergency department 74 percent more often than those who had no such difficulties."

This is what I worry about. And since I don't have insurance, the taxpayers would be taking on the cost of my hospitalization. What's cool is I have a doctor who is willing to work with me to find a generic that will cost a quarter of what I'm paying now, just in case I don't have a job in March. And I'm sure my dad would help me again if I need to buy expensive meds. No one wants me to be hospitalized or go crazy, and we all have seen what happens when I don't take meds.

There are so many people out there who have no access or can't afford medications. It's just horrible. It makes them even less appealing to insurance companies because they are more likely to be hospitalized. It's just a vicious cycle, and a catch-22.

Is AA the only way?

"From a scientific perspective, the effectiveness of all support groups for addictive behavior is unproven. The only way to answer that question is to attend meetings from all available groups, and reach a personal conclusion about the best approach to recovery."

Apparently there are other resources out there for alcoholics looking to recover. I know about Moderation Management (which Michael says is a bunch of people lamenting about their last binge - last night). There's also Women in Sobriety, SMART, and some other little ones based on books. All of them focus on different ways to get sober, like scientific instead of spiritual based, but a lot of them have meetings, too. It's interesting to see what is out there.

There's an interesting article that talks about what an alcoholic really is. A lot of it is the same way AA lists alcoholics: someone who blames others for their troubles, who gets into tons of trouble, "riddled with self." When I read this, I don't identify at all. I blame myself for my troubles, and know I drink too much. I never went more than 2 days without a drink, but that's because I didn't see the point in not drinking. I never had the urge to quit.

I know I need to go back and re-read all my earlier posts. I know that I have a problem with alcohol, and I was starting to get into trouble. But I'm starting to think AA isn't for me. I believe in sobriety as a program for me, and I'll stay sober, but I don't know if AA is the only way. I mean, I like it. I like meetings - they're really interesting, anthropologically. The steps are really neat - I like personal growth. Having others to talk to is good. All the aspects of AA are good, but I feel fine two weeks without it. I still don't want to drink, and I'm more relaxed. I don't feel like I'm guilty for not going.

But maybe it's my laziness talking. Maybe I'm just thinking too much about how I don't really feel like going. Maybe I'm just still upset about how different AA is here, and how I don't really like it. Maybe I just felt too much pressure to drink the Kool-Aid and I'm not interested anymore.

I told my therapist: I'm a fast learner. I dove into AA and got a lot out of it. I grew, and was able to learn some tricks about how to avoid getting drunk again. And now I feel like I've gotten everything out of it. I know helping others will make me feel great, and making amends is a good thing, but I don't really even know many people I would make amends to, except former bosses, and I won't do that because it would hurt me professionally.

I don't know. I guess I need to go back to meetings and give it another shot. If I'm not digging it after a year, I'll just not drink on my own. But I do like getting chips.

My sarcastic Christmas letter

Dear friends and family,

Boy what a year! It's been amazingly topsy-turvy and full of exploration of both other lands and self.

Dad took a cruise this year with the brothers, sisters, and mom, and lost the straw pull. He had to sleep in the same room with grandma. She's losing her hearing, and man can she talk! She complains about a lot, but she does tell the neatest stories of WWII. Dad got another cold from her, and was down for the count for almost a month.

Dad also broke his finger this year, and arthritis set in right away. He can't move the finger more than 50%, and it's starting to hurt. But, of course, he did wait more than a month to go to the doctor. Silly dad!

Anne also traveled a lot this year, and had an awesome time in Europe. Doing another geographic, she plotted her move to Europe, but it didn't work out. She also got sober this year! Thank God, right? We all know she had crazy addiction problems, and hopefully now she'll stop driving dad crazy with all the dangerous things she does. And, she quit smoking! No more holding your breath when you give her a hug.

Anne really has had an interesting year. In September she was fired and forced to move back home. She doesn't have health insurance, and so is worried about getting her bipolar meds, but thank God for credit cards. What's another $1,000 charge, anyway? She's currently sitting on the couch staring off into space and hoping for another interview.

Well, we've had an interesting year! Hope yours has been better!

Love, Family

My Christmas letter

We just got a bunch of people's Christmas letters in the mail. "We've traveled the world." "We've traveled the U.S." "We all got promotions and the kids are on the Dean's list." So I asked my dad, "What would our Christmas letter look like?"

Dear friends and family,

This year has been full of surprises and alternating relaxed days. It has been a year of changes and growth; a year of retirement for both of us.

Dad began the year with a cruise around the world, stopping in Dubai, Vietnam, Hong Kong and more. He traveled with his brothers, sisters, and mom. They had a wonderful time and made sure to email the kids every now and again to brag.

In early March, Anne celebrated her 30th birthday by going to Europe, and wandered around Paris, Switzerland, and Austria. She plotted a move to Austria afterwards, saying how kind the people were and how perfect the snow-capped mountains.

Dad has been enjoying his retirement, taking long walks every day and counting the ducks on the river. He's decided that Canadian geese would be perfect dinner roasts, and is planning the day when he runs for office and makes geese legal to eat.

Anne is also taking an "early retirement." She moved back from the other coast to live with dad and take a little time off from working. She's enjoying her time meeting up with old friends and connecting with family.

We wish you all a wonderful new year, and a happy holidays!

Love, Anne and dad

I'm so lazy

I went back to bed. When my dad got home from his walk he came in and woke me up. "Anne, you've been in bed all day!" "I know," I said, "But I took that Seroquel." Which is totally true. I've been so sleepy all day. I just want to lie down, still. I should really go for a run. I still have my running clothes on.

Good news! I have an interview in the new year, and a phone interview sometime this or next week (he asked when I was available). The one in the new year is for something I wouldn't be as enthusiastic about, but it's something I've done before and it's a step in the right direction.

There I am getting my hopes up again. I already had 11 interviews and nothing has come from any of them, and now I'm getting my hopes up about 2 little interviews, one just a phone interview. I don't want to get all excited, but they're both here near everyone I want to be close to. I would love the job up north, but one of the jobs here is the same title and more money. So we'll see. Hopefully the new year will bring something great, and soon!

Getting through the holidays

"Don't stay home and mope." Not that I'm moping, or anything, but I'm sure as hell not participating in life. I'm just sitting here on my space on the couch (which I feel is getting an imprint of my butt). I'm thinking about stuff like running, going to meetings, traveling, getting my next tattoo, etc. But I'm not actually doing any of it. I'm just sitting here.

The article is about what to do in early recovery to get through the holiday season. A lot of it is what we've already discussed: don't go places where there is alcohol (or drugs), don't mope, find some AA people to hang out with. All great suggestions. Will I take them? Probably not. Why? Because I'm lazy. I know it. I know it's one of my character defects.

I suppose what you do about that is force yourself to do stuff until it becomes habit. My therapist sent me a bunch of resources like Meetup.com where I can find social activities to get me off the couch. She thinks I need to make some new friends, not that my old ones are bad, but I need more. I think she's right. But will I do it? You know the answer.

Seroquel

I took some Seroquel last night so I would sleep through the night, and it worked, but now I feel like I need to sleep through the day, too. I'm so tired! It just knocks me down like a tranquilizer. I made the mistake of taking a whole one, too.

So I woke up, put on my running clothes, and am ready to go for a run to wake myself up. Will I do it? Only time will tell. I sure hope so. I put on my indoor running clothes (shorts) cause I'm sure as hell not going back out there in 37 degree weather to run up the hill. I'm not sore or anything, but it gave me that cough I can't seem to rid myself of.

Adam called last night just to talk. He didn't have much to say, just wanted to talk and have someone listen. I like to do that. I like to be able to listen to someone and not have to proffer advice.

Ugh, I can't stop yawning! Time to go back to bed.

Hark? Bells?

This is my favorite song. I just love the harmony in it. I love Christmas time.

Oklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plain

A little show tune therapy for you, and me.

The limbo elves

There is something afoot. My therapist says it's the limbo elves. Like normal elves who come in and cobble your shoes at night, the limbo elves come in and make sure you're on the right path. They distract you from things or point you in the right direction. They say, "No, no, no!" when you're heading off in the wrong direction.

Limbo elves. It's like mini higher powers at work. They come in and invade my dreams, keep me from getting a job until it's the right one; they know what they're doing. Damn elves.

I'm feeling a bit better. My therapist thinks I'm a little manic, even though I've been sleeping during the day and up at night (which I usually equate with depression), and I'm bitchy. Huh, ok, that is more manic. I guess I've been writing about being a little manic for a while, and a little crazy, but I haven't really felt it. I do know that being this optimistic all the time is weird. We agreed the drug cocktail I'm on is probably the only thing keeping me from a breakdown at this point. Everything is crazy in my life, and I'm fine. I don't even want to drink or smoke. Normally I would be treating unemployment with booze and drugs. It's just what you do, right? As an addict, it's just what you do.

I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just post-therapy rambling.

Scream it from the mountain tops

You know what's funny? You can have a Facebook, LinkedIn, Yahoo, Gmail, Twitter, or any other spot to say what you want to say, but there's no place like an anonymous blog to say what you REALLY think. F*&K! That's what I want to say. Don't you ever just feel like yelling it really loud? Screaming: It can be good for something other than warning signals.

What's going on over there? You may ask. Nothing, really. Actually, today is pretty good. I got a job lead from my mentor and just followed up. It would be a great position, a perfect step up, good pay, central location, and working with some folks I know at a premier organization. Just what I'm looking for. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I think it would be a really great thing.

And I heard from my professional development group chair (I volunteer for an organization still) and she talked about which committees I want to serve on this year. I am totally open, and I just talked to someone else about a coordinator position which might be nice.

So, everything is fine. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm just grumpy because I got 4 hours of sleep. I don't know.

A higher power in the solstice

The total eclipse tonight was pretty cool. Click here to see NASA's photo stream from Flickr. It was pretty amazing to see that big rock just sitting there in the sky. It looked like it was just hanging there "Like a balloon," my dad said. It makes you think about planets, rocks, gravity, and the expansive nature of the universe.

There's so much out there that we can't possibly be the only sentient-life-formed-filled planet. There has to be other places where souls exist in some form or another. A place where they've come up with their own higher powers. Where they watch total eclipses and think of rocks and gravity, even if they haven't discovered gravity yet. Or did way before we did.

So why would a higher power give a shit about us? Well, maybe when you think like that, you just have to think "higher" doesn't mean "smarter" it can just mean bigger. Something out there is bigger and more important than you. And that's an easy one to see. It's pretty obvious we're little and the world revolves around something other than us. If you believe in the bigger not necessarily wiser version of a higher power, you still have to admit that the laws of physics know more than you do, and the universe is incredibly smarter in it's constant turnings and twistings to keep life forms alive and giant rocks flowing in different patterns.

Whatever you think a higher power is, it made a pretty good show tonight. Happy solstice!

How don't you know?

Ok, so that last bit has been making me think a lot more. Ten years ago I was 20. I was in college, living at home, and had just made a friend with someone in my class, finally. She took me to a bar where I ended up going every night for the next 5 years. I lived in that bar. I took home half the male population of that bar, or more like it, they took me to their car and then I came back and drank more. I was 20, what do you want? So I was a bit of a slut. Oh yeah, and yes, I was drinking underage. Oops. No one seemed to care, and I didn't either.

That bar is where I met my dear friend Amanda. It's where Emily and I left and she got pulled over by the cops, and got a DUI. It's where many a man has serenaded me from the stage, and many a beer has been poured on my shoes. It's where Halloween was every day, and where I broke up fights. It's where I sang God Bless America on holidays with the boys, and where I met Adam.

I don't remember the first time we met, but I do remember a lot of the times we talked. We would be standing behind the dj picking through the book for our next song to sing, and he would give me that great, sexy look he gives. Or he would be playing pool with someone I knew and I would sit on the stools and look on. I saw him everywhere, and I loved to hear him up on stage. His voice. Oh, his voice. He mostly sang rock songs, but there was still something soft to it. And there was always something in his eyes.

Ah, a wounded animal. Just my type. We found each other one night away from the bar and connected over finishing a party's keg. Our eyes met, our lips met, and that was it for me. I could never look at him the same, and I could never look away. Something just happened to me. Some sort of magnetism.

Amanda and I were talking about it today, and we just came up blank. There's just something about him, something you can't put your finger on. He just has the je n'sais quoi. And it's like a tractor beam to me.

Sometimes, most of the time, I don't want to love him like I do. I want to just be friends with him, want to love him like a brother. I just want to care about him, and for him, but not want to be with him, not want to give him anything he asks for. But I can't seem to shake it. And it's killing me that he doesn't know how he feels, so he says. How can you not know? Not knowing is code for I don't feel that way, and I wish he would just say it. I wish he would stop acting like he wants me, but I know he can't. He's a Lothario. He's Casanova. He just loves women, and women love him. I don't think he knows how to just be friends with a girl without touching and flirting.

No matter what happens with he and I, I'll probably have to teach him one day. I want to be the last woman he flirts with, but I may end up being the one to teach him about just being friends. Ugh, I don't want to just be friends. I need to make up my mind: can I handle this or not? There's always something in the way, like he doesn't know how he feels, or the meds make him not know, or I don't have a year yet. All bullshit. He needs to know. He has to know. How can you not know how you feel about someone!? I'm so sure....

Five year plan

Reverb tonight asks what I would say to myself if I could talk to me 5 years from now. What advice would I give? What would that 5 years wiser (and still young) woman say to this lost and confused one?

I can only imagine she'd say, "Don't worry, we're all lost and confused. Sure, you were, as they say, down on your luck for a while, but you know what? It was a really great period of growth for you. Don't you remember how great 2010 was? All the things you did? All the things you gave up? You should have been a little more proud of yourself instead of focusing your self-worth on the fact that you got fired from a job you hated, and by a crazy person. Really, Anne! Come on, now, give yourself a pat on the back for not drinking through that one."

Because she's me, she wouldn't ruin any of the surprises, either. "Where do you end up getting a job? Well, you'll just have to wait and see. You'll have to go through it to find out if you and Adam ever become anything but good friends. And marriage? Children? Honestly, 5 years from now? Maybe a stretch for you, love."

I really wonder what she'll look like. Will her hair be shorter? Will it be going grey or will she be coloring it? Will cigarettes have aged her face though she no longer smokes? Does she smoke again? Is she still sober? I hope she's just as amazing then as she is now.

Ah, young me, you were so cool

Dear self,

You didn't do anything wrong. I'm not here to tell you how to live your life, because I know you'll never listen - you never do, you just jump. I'm here to tell you that your instincts have been pretty right on. You know what you want, and you go and get it. You're doing a great job.

I'll tell you some things you already know: that degree? Just a pretty piece of paper, and no, you'll never frame it. It's in the closet at dad's house still in the roll they mailed it in. But it's a pretty green roll. And, yeah, rely on that counseling office a little more. I think you can get out of it more than they're giving, though they'll always be really good to you. Just try a little harder.

You made the right friend back there, and she took you to a place that will give you friends for life, and the love of your life. You already know him, you just don't think of him like that. He's just a sweet and crazy guy, right now, but really look in his eyes - you love him. You still do. You always will.

And that's the one thing I might want to tell you: it's about him. But you know what? I'm not going to. Things turn out the way they're supposed to, and right now there's a me in the future writing to the current me and telling me how it all worked out. Or how it's still going on. But I won't spoil the surprises for you. Just keep up the good work.

Oh, and maybe just throw away the sharp things. You can't hide them from her, but maybe hide them from you.

Love always,

Anne

Dr. Adam says

So Dr. Adam says it's bronchiospasm, which is basically a part of asthma, which is causing my cough. Here, check out the details. Apparently it's very common in athletes, especially in the cold. He (who has asthma) says I can use an inhaler beforehand, but the article says I can do simple things like put a scarf over my mouth and nose, or warm up inside before I go out to run. All things I should be doing anyway. I read the symptoms, and I definitely had them, down to the upset stomach. And I blamed it on coffee. Poor coffee. Never did me wrong.

Speaking of Dr. Adam, we had a nice little chat about how he's always telling me what to do in AA and I finally said it, "I'm not as involved because everyone keeps yelling at me and trying to tell me what to do. AA isn't fun anymore." And he said something I didn't expect. "AA is supposed to be enjoyable. You're right. Sometimes it's not fun." He suggested I find some different meetings, which would be what I'm doing could I get my ass to a meeting.

We tend to argue a lot; he even called me bull-headed and argumentative, which I am. But, he's bull-headed and argumentative, too, and he speaks louder than I do, which makes it seem like he's yelling. He'll get really loud and then stop himself, breath really deep, and then try to start over at a lower pitch. Why do I think that's cute? Jesus, I don't know, but it is.

Map my run

I just mapped some runs. (One way)

- From my house to the therapist: 3 miles exactly one direction, 4.21 in the other.
- To the closest AA club: 1 mile.
- To the club that has more meetings: 6 miles (and there's a metro stop next door).

So now I have NO excuses to avoid any of three things: therapy, running, AA. Everything is in running (or even walking) distance from me. It's freaking cold outside, but it's not South Dakota or Canada, it's just cold. I can do it. That's what hats and mittens are for. And running. That will keep me warm.

So tomorrow I'm going to leave an hour early and run to therapy. It should only take me 30 minutes, but I just want to make sure I can get there (in case I wuss out and walk some) and it would be nice to get some coffee before the meet. Also, there's a metro across the street from therapy, so I won't have to run home in the dark.

Holiday drinking doesn't have to be

The holidays are full of alcohol. From Thanksgiving to New Years, there are even drinks created in honor of the season. Egg nog, spritzers with candy canes, flaming shots, and minty creations all hit the scene. Champagne runs free, and many people accompany all of that with their other drugs of choice: coke is out for all to have; even grandma is smoking pot in the basement with cousin Ted. The holidays are just a time of excess.

And a scary time for those of us new in sobriety. This is my first holiday season sober, and I feel like I'm doing just fine - I have no interest in drinking. I haven't in a while. But then, I haven't been presented with a problem, yet. Thanksgiving was booze-free, thanks to my aunt who just didn't bother this year because we were a small crew, and half under 21 or who didn't drink. Easy.

But now we're coming to the two drinking days. I'm hanging out with other family this time, and they are totally going to make nog and crack champagne. They are all great people, and know I'm sober, and will have diet Coke available (and I'll be bringing some), but it will still be hard, I think. I'm so used to having a celebratory glass of wine with dinner, and a few before, and a few after. I'm usually the one who makes the nog in the first place, though I hate the taste.

So I'm doing what they suggest: I'm making alternate plans. I'm plotting out when the meetings are and avoiding holiday parties I don't have to go to. Like my cousin's friends party on Christmas eve. They are nice folks, but I don't really need to be there for them to have fun. I don't NEED to be anywhere for people to have fun, but you know what I mean. So I'm trying to plan an alternate event with Adam where we can hang out and have Christmas. He's alone here (his family is about 1k miles away), and I don't want him to be alone. And, of course, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to spend a little time with him.

Sober Recovery has a good 12 step program for the holidays (like make an alternate plan or host your own event) which can give you some good ideas. The point is, you don't have to drink to have fun, and you don't have to have fun where there are drinks. You can say no to a party if you don't feel comfortable, and you don't even have to say "it's because I don't drink alcohol." There are a million other reasons, and AA encourages you to say true ones, like I have something else planned, but I also advocate for lying if you have to. "I don't feel well tonight" is a perfectly fine excuse if you think going to an event would make you want to drink.

So stay sober this holiday season. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself to some candy caned themed something non-alcoholic. Like a mocha! Man, I love those Starbucks themed drinks. Some even taste like egg nog, if you're into that kinda thing.

Stop the stigma

"...people diagnosed with alcoholism at some point in their lifetime were more than 60% less likely to seek treatment if they believed they would be stigmatized once their status is known." And that's just alcoholic stigma! Imagine if you have an inkling that you're mentally ill, too!

"The percentage of people who said they are unwilling to work closely with someone with major depression was 46% in 1996 and 47% in 2006. The percentage of people who considered people with schizophrenia to be a danger to others was 54% in 1996 and 60% in 2006."

That's right. Read it again. 47% if people wouldn't want to work closely with someone with depression. Just plain old depression. Now imagine people thinking about working with people with bipolar (which a lot of people equate with schizophrenia, even though they aren't the same thing). So now just sit back and imagine you have alcoholism AND bipolar disorder. Imagine you're trying to find a job, or a partner, and you know those statistics. Will it make you more afraid to disclose yourself to your boss or your partner? Will you be more likely to stop seeking help because you don't even want your partner to know, or your health insurance? And what happens then?

We know what happens then. We know why we need to stay on our meds, and why we need to take them even when the side effects suck. Not that we're all violent or shouldn't be let out of our cages when we don't take our meds, but I would bet the stories of mentally ill folks hurting others are stories of non-compliance.

If you're reading this and you are just hear for the sobriety, take a minute to think about mental illness. Do you know anyone who is? Are you afraid of them? Are you stigmatizing mentally ill people every day by calling someone who acts out "bipolar" or "schizo?" I know I call others, and myself, crazy all the time, because I think it's lost its power, but I hate when people use bipolar to degrade someone.

Take a minute and go help out NAMI. They're fighting stigma every day. Hey, it's Christmas, make a donation.

All sorts of suicide facts

Some of these studies come up with obvious conclusions, but they're still really interesting to consider. People with mental illness are 12 times more likely to kill themselves (they don't differentiate in the article between killing oneself and trying). "The research found that the rate of suicide was highest in the first year following diagnosis (12 times national average) and that high risk persisted -- remaining four times greater than the general population ten years after diagnosis...."

It took me 7 years after diagnosis to try to kill myself, and that was a more alcohol and depression fueled go than just a depressive attack. Alcohol probably just made it possible where I'd only thought about it before. I read some study the other day to that affect, but I can't seem to find it now.

They also say the way you try to kill yourself (when you don't succeed) is an indicator of whether or not you'll do it again. People who try violent means are more likely to try violence again and succeed. People whose parents die by suicide are more likely to take their own lives. They don't say if the kids are more likely to do it the way their parents did, but I've heard of that before, and I tried in my mom's preferred manner.

Wow, this is depressing! Merry Christmas!

Run back into those pants

I did it! I got my ass up off the couch and ran today. I ran up to the mall (2 miles uphill) and did the last of my Christmas shopping, and then ran back down the hill. That's a whole 4 miles (with a 30 minute break in between)! It felt good, but damn cold. It was 36 degrees outside and I wore some workout gloves my mom bought me yesterday and some warm pants I got a month ago. My chest was a little cold (I had a backpack on which kept my back warm),and I asked for a warm running coat for Christmas. I had two layers on and it was just enough by the end of my run, but not quite enough during. I've got a bit of a cough now when I breathe in deep.

I've always thought I had exercise-induced asthma, because it always hurts to run in the cold, but I made it through with only a lot of snot. But since I self-diagnose, I read this: The contrast between the warm air in the lungs and the cold inhaled air or the dry inhaled air and moist air in the lungs, can trigger an attack. Once the attack is triggered, the airways begin to swell (bronchospasm) and secrete large amounts of mucus. I don't know about the damn cough, though. It could just be all the old smoking goo moving around. Yum.

I feel much better having worked out. I promised myself I would do it again tomorrow, but I'm not sure I'll be able to. I'm sure I'm going to be sore! But again, no excuses. I need to lose about 5 pounds to get back into my pants. That's totally doable by New Years if I go crazy, and by mid January if I go slow.

Too many sugar plums

Is this woman fat? Apparently, the NYTimes thinks so. This is pretty insane. I know I call myself fat all the time, and I'm not (anymore), but to call a ballerina fat is just insulting to all women. Ick.

Just had to share.

Sigh. Kool-aid

Adam finally got back to reading this blog and just called to yell at me for the last post and my confession of not going to meetings. "You get out of it what you put in to it." I know, I know. And I know I need to put more into it. And of course, he called me on being kind of distant from AA because I don't like it here as much as I did there. "Just try it, drink the Kool-Aid for a year and if you don't like it I'll gladly refund your money."

Ok, but I'm not interested in any Kool-Aid. I would like to get back to meetings, I would like to do the steps with a sponsor, but I'm not interested in making AA my life. I would like to make it a part of my life that is important, but not everything and every friend and everyday. I suppose right now is a good time to get really into AA since I have nothing else to do. So I'll go to meetings and I'll finish my fourth step (even though I have to do it again with a new sponsor). I'll give to it what I want to get out of it.

Withdrawal is my only option

Shit. I just read the email from Canada Drugs (where I refilled my prescriptions) and they say the estimated arrival of my meds is Dec. 31. Today is the 19th. I've got about 3 days left on my Abilify, and a few more days on the Lamictal and Lexapro. So, of course, I'm looking up withdrawal symptoms.

"The most commonly reported withdrawal symptoms associated with this drug (Lamictal) are; irritability with rage and feelings of hostility so strong that the person fears they have lost of control of their emotions; loss of focus and confusion to the degree that their jobs are at risk and their lives are unmanageable; lethargy and exhaustion, and constant, debilitating migraine type headaches."

Of course there's more, but I won't mention the zapping feeling in your brain or suicidal thoughts. Abilify only makes you manic or depressed and an insomniac, all which I can handle, I think. Lexapro includes these things as well as irritability, anxiety, and a "burning feeling," though they don't say where.

So, next week should be interesting. I'm going to be horribly irritable and maybe get really manic or depressed. I think I should just stay in the house. My poor dad.

A grateful list

Whine, whine, whine! I'm whining a lot lately on here. It is my blog, damnit, and I'll whine if I want to, but I don't mean to be a downer. I think I'm a pretty optimistic person generally, and I really am thankful for all I have. So, a gratitude list:

I'm grateful:

That I got to go to Europe this year;
That I'm sober;
That I have a place to live and food to eat;
That I have a great family who love me;
That there was snow the other day;
That I have so many interviews;
For my friends, who also love me;
For the changing weather (I love the chill!);
For Sunday night football;
For warm cups of gingerbread coffee;
For my funny cousins.

There's a lot of stuff in my life to be grateful for. I'm so happy to have all these wonderful people in my life, and appreciate the support from all of them. Everyone has been so great and loving. I'm grateful I have storage for all my stuff, and the money to pay my bills, too! The world is alright.

Stress makes you fat

It's interesting to think that stress has anything to do with obesity, but then again, you do tend to overeat when stressed, or reach for the chocolate (or tons of booze).

They measured mice (poor mice) who ate on diets and then gained it back, and found that they had higher stress response levels. These mice were more likely to gain weight than regular peers if they "crash" dieted a few times. "It also suggests that management of stress during dieting may be key to achieving those goals."

Stress sure makes you eat a lot, but so do the holidays. Man are my pants tight. I've done nothing but eat since I moved home, and now everyone is having a party and I'm eating my way through them. I can't believe how much weight I've gained. It's really distressing (ahh, there's the stress) and I'm trying to be better, but I just can't resist cookies and cake. I love them so.

But I can't wait till after the holidays. I don't want to be buying new pants!!

A confession

So I have to admit to you, dear reader, I haven't been to an AA meeting since the week after Thanksgiving. Now, that's only about 2 weeks ago, but that's a long time in the AA world. And I don't have a sponsor to call and keep me on track. That's also a big no-no. I also haven't been running or doing much but sleeping and sitting on the computer. No wonder I'm depressed! So I think I need to switch things up.

Tomorrow morning I'm heading out for a run. I need to do 9 miles (which is going to hurt) to stay on track for my marathon training. I need to get on that, even though it's 36 degrees outside. I have the clothes for it, and I have a treadmill downstairs if I chicken out. There's no excuse.

And I should go to a meeting tonight, but I'm pretty sure I won't. Instead, I'll try to hit the noon meeting that's a block from here. I would have no excuse not to go, even if it snows.

So really, no excuses, I need to fit into my pants and fit back in the things that keep me sober. I need to start back again from the beginning and get back in line.

We're all alcoholics here

"Functional subtype: 19.5 percent of U.S. alcoholics. Typically middle-aged, well-educated, with stable jobs and families. About one-third have a multigenerational family history of alcoholism, about one-quarter had major depressive illness sometime in their lives, and nearly 50 percent were smokers."

Sounds like me! Now, AA would tell you there's no such thing as a functional alcoholic. We're all dysfunctional; we all have such problems that we just don't recognize them. But researchers found there were 5 subtypes of alcoholics, and "functional" was one of them.

I sure as hell have a multigenerational history of alcoholism. My great uncle was a severe alcoholic, and died from it. He was also a life-long smoker. There are rumors my grandma drank too much, but she died before I was born and my mom only says good things about her. My uncle is totally an alcoholic. Neither of my parents drink - in fact, I think I've seen my dad drink twice in my life. My mom has a sherry every now and again (and I mean like every few years) but she went through a heavy vodka phase during the divorce.

I always felt functional, and I never lost things like my home and my job. But I can guarantee you I was, and am, an alcoholic. So if you're out there and you're not sure, talk to someone. Go to an AA meeting and just listen. You might not be, but you might just get a life changing realization from it.

A little of that healing touch

So false pride became the reverse side of that ruinous coin marked "Fear." - 12 & 12

Reverb today asks: how would you like to be healed in 2011. Oh, how wouldn't I. I suppose doing my fourth step, I'll figure out more about what's wrong with me in the first place, but what I really want, what I'd like to see healed is my ego. Oh! How wrong of an alcoholic, and how typical, to say it. After all, they say ego gets in the way of our path to sobriety. Ego is what keeps us drinking. We have to rid ourselves of pride and ego in order to beat this thing back.

But I'd really like a little pride back. A little ego. Maybe I should just call it self-love, or being proud of oneself. That's what I really mean, after all. It's tough to be unemployed and think of yourself as anything but a loser, especially in this town. It's a busy town, where the first question people ask is, "So what do you do? Who do you work for?" And I have to say, I'm job hunting. I suppose I could lie and say I'm taking some time off or something, and I sure don't have to say I was fired, but I'm taking that situation by situation. Some days I'm feeling creative and say I work for the state, and some days I just say I'm unemployed.

I would like a little pride healed up, though. I took a really big blow this year, and as time passes the wound just gets salted with every unemployment check I receive. And how would that all work? Does having a job really mean you have self-worth? No. I know it doesn't, but sometimes logic doesn't win. Sometimes you just feel things, and I feel worthless without a job. I feel like my pride is nonexistent. I sleep and don't leave the house. I feel like I have nothing to share with anyone (though I keep typing to you, apparently).

So yeah, 2011, I'll take some pride.

Cranky pants

So it's the time of night when I get grouchy. It's part of the depression, really. I get cranky with everything. But come on, how f*&%ng long does it take to make up your mind whether or not I have a job, and to notify me! I interviewed with some people in early November and still haven't heard a yes or no! Any place that wouldn't keep me updated is a place I don't want to work.

The job I really want said they wouldn't get back to me till January. They're all on vacation till after the holidays, and so no one is even in the office. God damnit. I just want to know: do I have a job? Do I have to keep looking? Can I move?

I'm still looking. I've applied to 2 things just today (one of which I realized later that I messed up the cover letter - damn). But I hate that I can't get an apartment till I know where I'm working and have the money. I just want a place of my own! I just need to get the hell out of my childhood bed and get my stuff back. Grrrrr.