Happy Thanksgiving!

I'll be away from a computer till next week, but I'm sure you have more than enough to catch up on here. I'm headed up north with my family, along with thousands of other travelers. Should be an interesting drive! I hope we take some back roads, on purpose.

I'm a little worried about the drinking that's going to happen. Even my dad drinks on holidays, and he never drinks. It's also the holidays, where I'm used to celebrating with my family. How do you celebrate without alcohol? Will I be comfortable there in the house? Will I be able to keep myself asleep without freezing to death? It's damn cold there in the farmhouse.

I've found an AA meeting in the small town where I'm going (they really are everywhere) on Thanksgiving day, so it should be good. I'll get to spend some time with alcoholics and maybe go to coffee with someone. It will be better to have an hour or two hour break from the drinking going on at the house.

Anyway, happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

Life mantra

Don't sell yourself short, and don't act out of desperation.

Michael told me this today, and said it applied both to my job hunt and dating life. I need to be a little more picky about what I choose to do and who I choose to be with. I haven't been very picky thus far; dating anyone who asked and taking any job that wanted me because I felt desperate to get out of whatever situation I was in.

But I'm worth more than that. I can do better than whatever comes along. I can be picky. It doesn't make me elitist or stuck up, it just means I know myself. I can't take a job where I'm going to be bored, because then I'll just slack off and get myself fired again for not doing anything (least that's the reason of the week). And I can find a man with whom I can share conversation, activities, and love. Someone who wants to be around me all the time, but can be without me too. Someone I can talk to and who can talk to me.

So don't settle for whatever comes your way. Be picky. Don't act just to act. Show yourself some love and self-care.

Lessons from the therapist

I got homework from the therapist: a)get your sleep back on schedule, b) make a vision list, c) pull away from the bad things in your life slowly, d) think about dating.

My sleep has been funky, as you can tell by the times on all the posts. I've been up into the wee hours of the morning just sitting here on the computer being prolific. Go me. So I've got to find another way to have time alone, rather than waiting to stay up all night just so it seems like I have my own apartment. Tonight I've got to go to bed early because we're getting up at 5 tomorrow and hitting the road to head up north. Traffic should be awesome.

A vision list is something you do that's kind of like a fourth step: what are my characteristics now, and then what do I want them to be. So if now I'm obsessive about stuff, and I want that to change, what does that look like? Also, the simple things like how do I want to dress in the future, and what will my career path look like? It's like making a five year plan, but looser.

I told her I quit smoking and she commended me, but also warned me about the difficulty of doing that while I'm trying to find a job and do a million other things. She thinks I can do it, but I need to change those habits slowly and realize that if I slip it's not the end of the world; I just need to get back on that horse.

Oh, dating. She talked about how I have the obvious capacity for intimacy, since I've shown it with Adam, and how a lot of people just aren't capable of that. She thinks I have the potential to find a really fulfilling relationship one day. She suggested I look into the possibility of dating, but not having sex. Just taking it one day at a time - maybe just going to dinner or a movie. I think it's a nice idea, because I don't really want to be in a relationship right now, but I do need the practice, and it's good to meet people. We'll see what the sponsor has to say.

I'm still really bad at wanting to listen to my sponsor. For starters, she's 26. What the hell did I know at 26? Nothing. I'm sure she knows a lot more about AA than I do, but when it comes to life, I think I've got a leg up on her. So it's hard for me to want to tell her things and then listen. I mean, if I think of her like a friend and she's giving suggestions, then that's cool, but it seems like in AA they expect you to do exactly what you're told. I think I'm going to be a rebel. I hope that doesn't hurt me in the end.

Pheromones and smoke

I've had two people tell me in the past two days (since I quit smoking) that I smell different. And it's not just the absence of smoke, it's different. Which is funny, because they were both men, and women actually have a better sense of smell than men.

But men can smell pheromones better. I think it's because I'm ovulating (you wanted to know that, come on), and my pheromones are probably going crazy right now, and they're not covered by smoke.

So already there's a benefit to not smoking: I smell better, and I smell attractive. I like that. I wonder if I'll be soon able to smell better as well, and be able to smell things I've never smelled before. Maybe I'll be able to smell pheromones without even knowing it. The two guys seem to have really acute senses of smell to be able to identify something like that; to pick it out from other smells.

36 hours down

It's been 36 hours since I quit smoking. Apparently my blood pressure should be back to normal, and the nicotine should almost be out of my system. All I can think about is smoking a cigarette. I'm bored, and my dad isn't here, which is a recipe for cigarettes. But instead, my friend Don is coming over for lunch, and we're going to hang out and not smoke. He doesn't smoke, so that's easy.

I'm not eating the lozenges because they taste like cherry chalk, which is disgusting. And the nicotine in them made my stomach hurt the one time I tried them. Maybe I can sell them on Craigslist just to try and recoup some of my money.

Hopefully it will get easier to resist temptation and I'll be able to be around cigarettes without the incredible urge to bum one. If I can do it in this time of stress, then I can stay smoke free forever.

Negativity in a positive world

So the negative self-talk thing. I know how to solve it; you just start being nicer to yourself. You repeat good phrases, like when Adam says, "I am lovable and capable." You just can tell yourself something good instead of something bad. But why do we do it?

"Sometimes we initiate negative self-talk because we are afraid of a new experience or a scary or uncomfortable situation." Scary and uncomfortable is definitely where I start to tell myself the bad things. But I know I can't control anything, which is probably why I'm scared.

When Erin talked the other day she said, "When I was drunk I wasn't afraid of anything or anyone. And then when I got sober I realized that really, I was afraid of everything and everyone." I'm not scared of anything, I thought, but I am really scared of being jobless for a long time. I don't want to do it, and the longer it takes to find a job the more down on myself I get. I worry that no one will want me; that it's obvious I can't do the position. This is all just negative self-talk, I know.

But, "The first step toward change is to become more aware of the problem." I'm already there, which has to be a good sign.

Celibacy is a lie

Ok, so I've been lying (on a blog only I read... weirdo). I haven't been celibate for the whole 6 months. I've had sex. I know, I know; it's not a good thing to go against what your sponsor tells you to do, or not to do, and it's bad to lie to her about what you're doing. But I had sex with someone in AA who doesn't want anyone to know about it because he'd be 13th stepping me. So we haven't done it again, and probably won't.

I don't like being his "dirty little secret," though. It makes me feel gross that he doesn't want to expose his behavior to the light. It's kind of selfish and creepy. I mean, what's the problem? You did it, now accept the consequences. But, of course, I'm not doing that either by lying to my sponsor. Adam does this too by saying, "This never happened" when we lie on the couch together or something. Makes me feel dirty.

I also had sex with someone outside of AA. I know! I'm kind of a slut, but they were both people I know really well, and have had sex with before, so it kind of doesn't count. I just couldn't hold out. I'm a sexual being, and 6 months was just too long of a time. I figure as long as I'm not in a relationship everything is cool.

I don't even have any interest in being in a relationship right now. I get my intimacy from Adam (which is probably bad), and I have too much going on to focus on someone else's happiness. I can't even take care of myself right now, much less someone else. Though I do have a lot of time on my hands to go to lunch or dinner.

Building self-esteem

I feel like a fool sometimes for loving Adam. I know that's "negative self-talk" but I'm not full of serenity enough to do any better right now. Mr. Sponorpants says about self-esteem, "Look at your using history and your time sober and consider that you may just have to wait for a bit for your brain chemistry to catch up with the rest of your sobriety."

6 months isn't a lot of time, and I've been smoking, which is also a depressant. I figure by a year I'll have a little more chemical balance, and be able to start working on how I really feel. But right now, I feel like a fool. When you love someone and they don't love you (like that) back, it just makes you feel like an idiot for doing it in the first place. I'd like to not feel like this anymore.

So what can I do to build self-esteem in the meantime, while my chemicals even out? Perhaps the running will help. I need to not base my self-esteem on how men see me, which is a common problem of mine. Perhaps being celibate is a really good idea, though it's killing me to even think of another 6 months in a "dry spell."

What else? Getting a job would really help, but I have no control over that. I just called one of the places I interviewed, the job I really want, to see if I could answer more questions, but I stumbled through the message and sounded like an idiot. More negative self-talk, I know, but it's the truth.

How do you separate the two? What is the truth, and what's just being down on yourself?

I'm grateful for you

Here are some good steps to take to be grateful. One of the things she talks about it keeping a gratitude journal, and thinking of everyone in your life, bad or good, as someone to be grateful for.

I'm frustrated in this interview process, but I have to be thankful for the people who have found my resume interesting and are taking time out of their work schedules to meet with me. I'm thankful to them. I'm also thankful for the opportunity to even apply for jobs. There are so many jobs out there that I have options, which is really nice.

I'm grateful to have my dog back. He makes me happy. It's great to cuddle with a small, warm dog on a cold night, and he's always so happy to see me. He's snoring on the couch right now, which is totally adorable.

I'm thankful for the support of my friends and family during this rough time. Everyone has been great, and supports my sobriety as well. People that I tell are all interested in congratulating me, and helping me by not drinking around me, or finding other ways to have fun. I'm definitely grateful for that.

I have a lot of good in my life right now. Sure, finding work is really hard, but I can do it. I'm doing it already.

What is happiness?

There's really a Wiki for everything. From WikiAnswers on how to get over someone: It's not about getting over a person, it's about feeling good about yourself. It's about knowing that you are the most important and you need to be happy. If this other person doesn't feel the same way, it doesn't really matter.

It's about being happy in my skin. I don't hate myself, anymore. Really. I like the way I dress, the way I look on the outside. I like how much more dependable I've become since I quit drinking. I think I'm compassionate and kind. I could work a little more on being a better worker and not so lazy, but that's all going to come as I start to focus more on myself.

So when you take Adam and unemployment/living at home out of the equation, am I happy? I think so (thank you Abilify). I don't want to die, so that's a good thing. I guess I'm not sure what happiness in your own skin really looks like or feels like.

From an interesting short story by Ikeda: "...the secret of happiness lay in building a strong inner self that no trial or hardship could ruin. She saw that happiness for anyone - man or woman - does not come simply from having a formal education, from wealth or from marriage. It begins with having the strength to confront and conquer one's own weaknesses."

To conquer one's own weaknesses. Well, this all relates back to step four, now doesn't it? Finding my character defects and getting the strength or even just willingness to overcome them. Perhaps through this process I will learn what happiness really is.

The song says it

So I was mining my music for something to put on my iPod before I go to sleep. I found some Mumford and Sons, which if you haven't heard the Sigh No More album I highly recommend it. And then I saw the Phil Collins and thought, "Hey Phil! Long time!" So now I'm listening to "Separate Lives" and feel like throwing myself in front of a bus. Jesus, this is a depressing song.

Sometimes you just have to listen to depressing music. It fits the mood and makes you feel better; less alone in your pain. I'm not in pain, per se, I'm just feeling weird. I suppose what I need to do is what I've done with everything else I've quit: I just need to make a decision. Do I want to change? Do I want to stop thinking about him like this and just focus on the great friendship we have? Well, do I?

Go find this: "Winter Winds" is another good song by Mumford and Sons. "Was it love or fear of the cold?" "My head told my heart let love grow, but my heart told my head this time no."

I want to shop, now

I can't have a cigarette, I can't have a drink, so the next urge to come to me was to shop. I want to login to my favorite stores and just check out what they've got. Except I'm awful at "window" shopping online. I just put stuff in my cart and buy cause I'm usually getting a really good deal. I wonder what my dad thinks about all the packages I get. At least he knows it's not drugs.

So why shop?"...shopping activates key areas of the brain, boosting our mood and making us feel better — at least for a little while." Like all the other things we're not supposed to do too much of, it does make us happy. And people who have compulsive shopping addictions are just addicts like the rest of us. Why? Of course. "Much of the joy of holiday shopping can be traced to the brain chemical dopamine."

Dopamine really does a number on us addicts. I need to find a better outlet now, since all I have left is shopping and food and neither of those are good ideas. Getting fat again would make me really depressed, and shopping isn't good for my meager bank account. I can't shop the way I want to on unemployment, and where in the hell would I put everything? I already need to go through and give away everything I don't use anymore. I'm sure there's something in there.

A habit in a hat

Jesus, now all I want is a cigarette. We have one intense conversation and all I could think was "When can I smoke?" I really do associate comfort and all other emotions with cigarettes. Breaking those habits are going to be really hard. I think once it's been 12 hours the nicotine is out of your system, so I'm good there, but habits take a lifetime to build.

It's just like AA or Weight Watchers, or anything else you do to try and change your life: it's all about changing the underlying behaviors. You have to learn to deal with your emotions in a better, less dopamine-riddled way. You can't just add a substance and feel good for a minute and expect that feeling to never return. It's going to be there until you deal with it, which is why we keep going back for more substances.

So I need to change a lot about me in the coming months. I suppose that's part of my fourth step, now isn't it. I'm on the column where you label what the resentment you have stems from. Is it because it dealt with your fears, stability, security, sex? What did it "threaten," or so that's how I interpret the step.

There's a lot I need to deal with. So how am I going to change? Well, I'm going to try and associate walking with just walking, not smoking. I need to figure out how to get somewhere early and not feel the need to "kill time." I need to still learn how to have fun and not feel awkward without alcohol. I need to get over Adam.

Eros, my frenemy

Eros, in Greek mythology, "was the primordial god of sexual love and beauty." He also had a sad love story:
Aphrodite is jealous of the beauty of mortal Psyche, as men are leaving her altars barren to worship a mere human woman instead, and so commands her son Eros to cause Psyche to fall in love with the ugliest creature on earth. Eros falls in love with Psyche himself and spirits her away to his home. Their fragile peace is ruined by a visit of Psyche's jealous sisters, who cause Psyche to betray the trust of her husband. Wounded, Eros departs from his wife and Psyche wanders the earth, looking for her lost love.

Ah, love. What a pain in the ass. Unrequited love is the worst. "Unrequited love is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired." Something not openly reciprocated. He just wants to be friends. When we talked about what I should do about it, I said I either need to get over it or hang on to it hoping something will change. "That's black and white thinking!" he said, and kinda freaked out about it. But I don't think it is. What other options do I have?

Really? What else is there to do?

I put the dope in dopamine

What is love? Love is a drug, according to Roxy Music and some researchers. As we know, anything that makes us feel good is, say it with me, dopamine!

But how does that chemical travel?"A U.S. News and World Report article explains the importance of the vagus, a nerve that threads through your whole body. It transports signals from your brain to your organs, 'setting the heart pounding, making the stomach do flip-flops, and of course, lighting the loins on fire'....

Tennov's group also reported 'intrusive thinking,' where it seems like your brain is fixated on the object of your affection."

This is my problem with Adam. I get that intrusive thinking and the loins on fire, and I lose my capacity for rational thought. And I know it's just my dopamine! I know there doesn't have to be a reason for it except chemicals. I mean, he's a great guy, he's cute, he's smart, and he has a really good heart, but he doesn't want me. Why do I insist on torturing myself? Dopamine. Cause I'm an addict at the heart of it all.

The chemistry of love

Sigh. Adam and I hung out again tonight. I went over and helped him clean his place. There were some major dust bunnies out there under the bed. We went through all of it, and stopped in between rooms for hugs. I also sat there eating ice cream watching him finish the living room. It was a fun night.

But, of course, we had to talk about feelings. I just wanted to jump him, because there's something chemical going on with me right now and I'm just in the mood. I can't figure out why I want to just jump him, and it doesn't really apply elsewhere. Well, that's not true. I want to jump everyone, but with him, I'm more interested in kissing than anything else. I just want that intimacy.

And I think this is the whole problem: I don't know how to have a friendship without that intimacy. When I'm giving of myself, sex comes with that. I've slept with all my closest friends, except Andrea and Jennifer. That's just how I get close to people. I want to be close to Adam, and we are close, but for some reason my brain feels the need to be "closer."

So how do I really feel about him, then, when you take out the chemical response? I don't know. I... I don't know. We talked about feeling your feelings and sitting through the pain and letting it speak to you. I told him I'd been sitting in this pain for 2 years and it's time for me to make a decision. "Two years?" he said. I think I surprised him. It's not like all of a sudden I just decided I was in love with him. It crept up on me. But then there it was, blaring me in the face.

But what is love?

This is why people don't quit

What causes weight gain after quitting?
When nicotine, a chemical in cigarette smoke, leaves your body, you may experience:

* Short-term weight gain. The nicotine kept your body weight low, and when you quit smoking, your body returns to the weight it would have been had you never smoked.

* You might gain 3 to 5 pounds due to water retention during the first week after quitting.

* A need for fewer calories. After you stop smoking, you may use fewer calories than when you were smoking.

They say people gain about 10 pounds, but this says your body averages out to the weight it should be. Seriously? Maybe I'll lose weight, then.

Never just one

"When it comes to smoking cessation, there is no such thing as just one cigarette. They travel in packs."

I need to remember this all the time. That's why I'm avoiding places where cigarettes are right now. I know, just know, I'll bum one, and then I'll give up and just go buy a pack. I was at Rite Aid today and thought about buying a pack "just to have," which is such a lie. I would've smoked the hell out of those cigarettes.

There are a million things I could do instead of smoke. I really should get out for a run tomorrow morning. My body will thank me, my dog will thank me. I need to break in my new shoes, too. Maybe I'll run down to the river and run along the river for a while. It's Tuesday tomorrow, so not many people should be out on the path. Good for dogs, since he's scared of bikes and strollers.

I need to keep in mind the principles of AA during this quitting smoking time. Like H.A.L.T: Hungry, angry, lonely, tired. Like they trigger drinking, they trigger smoking urges, too. I need to walk through my feelings; to really feel my feelings as they are instead of trying to hide them with cigarettes.

So just like AA, I'm admitting I'm powerless over cigarettes, and I need the help of my higher power to not smoke. I'm going to treat myself well, and hope that everything gets better. Cause it will.

Words of wisdom

"Just Remember: you will find another job, but if you lose your sanity you can't get it back."

I love that. If you lose your sanity in this process, you can't get it back. If you give up and give in to the depression the depression will take you over.

Tips for job loss

"6. Come to terms with why you were fired. Sometimes it's hard to be honest with ourselves, but when we are, we can learn from the experience. By coming to terms with why you were fired, you can analyze what you can do in the future to prevent this."

There are some great tips in this article, but this one stood out for me. Figure out why you were fired, and change that behavior. So why was I fired? A lot of people will say it was because my boss was a horrible jerk. Others will say my drinking caught up with me. But what would I say? I might say I just wasn't doing my job. I was lazy. I was stagnant.

Sure, I was trying, but I wasn't trying very hard. I was coasting along not really doing anything to make my work better. I was just doing the rote work. I could have tried harder. I could have done more for the company. I could have worked hard. But I didn't. I just worked, but I spent most of my time messing around - emailing friends, playing on Facebook, etc.

So what can I do next time? I can take work seriously. I can find a place I really want to work for, and I can do the best job I can. I can stay away from the internet during work hours, and just email friends on breaks. I can work.

AA meetings make me want to smoke

I just looked up some meeting times up north for turkey day. I hope they still have them that day. I will need one because of all the booze that will be around me. I'm so used to standing on the porch in the cold and smoking and drinking. Now I'll have to go to a meeting to get away.

I should go to a meeting tonight, but as I said, I'm worried about bumming a cigarette. By now, since it's been about 24 hours, it will taste bad, but that's never stopped me before. An ex of mine commented earlier that I was pretty good about not smoking while we were dating, and I think that's cause he didn't smoke or really drink. I did both while at the bar, but not necessarily around him. Perhaps I just have to hang out with people who don't smoke, which is great cause none of my friends smoke except Jennifer, and she's only an occasional smoker. And she lives 3,000 miles away, now.

So maybe I'll go to a meeting and just bail out early so I don't run into the smokers? Maybe I'll just stay here and sweat it out a little more. I don't want to call my sponsor because she'll tell me to go to a meeting and I don't want to. Ah, childish, I know.

PJs are the new power suit

“In this way, being unemployed is a lot like being depressed. You know how there are millions (O.K., a handful) of things you swear you would do if you only had the time? Now that I had all the time in the world — except for the hours during which I was looking for work — to read, write, watch birds, travel, play minor-key nocturnes, have lunch with friends, train a dog, get a dog, learn to cook, knit a sweater, iron the napkins and even the sheets, I had absolutely no energy for any of it. It made no difference that music and books and nature had long been the mainstays of my spirit. Just thinking about them exhausted me. I had absolutely zero experience in filling weeks — what if it became years? — with activity of my own choosing. Being unemployed meant being unoccupied, literally. I felt hollow.”

This is the best description of being unemployed. You really think, when you're working, that work just gets in the way of all sorts of stuff. "If I had time, I would travel, spend time with my family, meet my friends for lunch, etc." What's funny is I've been doing all of these things, and I still have tons of time on my hands. I suppose AA fills up some of that time, but not enough.

If only I could stop and read more. I have lots of magazines, and I have the time to read them, but I haven't really read in about a month. My eyes are tired, or I'm just tired from not really sleeping.

But that hollow feeling. I'm glad others have it as well. It's a weird feeling to have. I know that I've got so much going for me, and my life is actually pretty full, but I just feel lacking without a job. Jobs really define you as a person whether you like it or not. It makes people uncomfortable when I say I'm unemployed. It's kind of funny. They get quiet and weird, or talk about other people they know who are un- or underemployed. But sympathy doesn't really help. The only thing that will help is getting a job.

I want to go to bed

Wow, that's pathetic. I don't know what to do with my time. I was filling at least an hour or more a day smoking or sneaking out to smoke. Now I have nothing to do in that time period. I've already taken a shower, checked the mail, taken the dog out, etc. I haven't hit a meeting, but I don't think I'm going to tonight. I think I'm going to sleep. I'm still out of whack. I went to bed at 1 and got up at 7, which is not enough sleep for me.

It's only 6pm.

Maybe I really should go to a meeting. I feel like I would bum a cigarette from someone if I went. I'm just not strong enough to stop myself, yet. I still am a smoker, until I get over this craving period. Or like alcoholism, are you always a smoker? I think you can be an ex-smoker just fine.

The last cigarette

I haven't had a cigarette all day, despite having an interview and going out to a big lunch. I'm stuffed, and that usually means cigarette. But last night I took the last two, crushed them, and threw them in the trash can. I haven't gotten rid of my lighters yet because I want to give them away. I just bought them, and there's no point in wasting them. I may throw one in my dad's match collection, too, just to have it for candles and stuff.

No, that's not an excuse. I thought about it already, and I do use my lighter a lot besides smoking. So I'll keep one around and get rid of the other ones.

Not smoking is hard. Everything is associated with smoking. Walking is the worst, or waiting. I used smoking to kill time. I knew it took 5 minutes to smoke a cigarette, so if I had 10 minutes to kill I knew I could go in early, after my cigarette. I have urges to smoke, but I know they'll pass. I think it's supposed to get worse before it gets better, but two people today have told me I smell like girl instead of smoke, so that's a benefit already.

Stop quitting

Apparently we're all bad at staying on our meds. "Only one in every five patients properly completes their treatment," say the researchers. Apparently you have to wait 6 months to see if your drugs work, and people go off of them before then for all sorts of reasons.

I have a friend on anti-depressants who is experiencing some of the more crappy side effects. He's kind of ok with it, though, which I don't know if I could be. I already have a few side effects I'm none too happy with. I bet new drugs would do it, but he probably just needs the Prozac and nothing heavier. I'm going to see the doc next Monday, so we'll see what he says. He might up the Abilify because of the creeping depression, but I hope he doesn't. I also hope he puts me on something other than Lamictal, cause I think that's the cause of my perma-headache.

But I won't quit my meds. Jesus, Adam and I were talking about how messed up we both were a few years ago, and it just made me remember how absolutely nuts I was. Besides the daily drinking and partying, I was off my meds and in a horrible job. That's the year I tried to kill myself, too. Man, I have a lot of amends for that one.

Is this rude?

We were supposed to try and go out to lunch, Adam and I. I told him I couldn't go til 1, and he wrote back that 1 was not good, so I asked about 2pm. He never responded. I understand that he backs away every time we talk about "us," but that's just rude, methinks. You should always respond, whether in the affirmative or the negative.

I'm off to a meeting tonight to hear Erin speak, and to go to dinner beforehand. She says she's got some stuff to talk to me about after seeing me with Adam last night, so this should be interesting. I wonder what she's got to say. I know Adam can be an ass sometimes, but I love him anyway.

You know, sometimes I think I love him more like a brother. I don't have any brothers and sisters, so I don't know how that feels, but I feel like he knows me better than anyone. Which is not true. He knows the old me, and a lot about the deep dark shit, because I can't seem to lie to him about how crappy I'm feeling, but I do leave things out. What's funny is the person who probably knows me best is Michael. Michael and I would be great together if he weren't such an ass in relationships. He's calmed down a lot, and so have I, but we just made each other mad all the time.

Maybe the common denominator is me. Maybe I just push people away. Am I too needy? Am I not needy enough? It seems to be different with different people.

Carolyn Hax is always right

"Feeling bitterness is essentially conceding that the end of the story has been written--but until you actually stop breathing you don't know that it's the end."

Carolyn Hax is always a good person to go to for advice. Someone wrote in about being bitter about where her career is taking her, and Carolyn said that. "Bitterness is conceding the end of the story."

It's not the end of the story for me. It's the beginning of the journey to a new future - one I may not have imagined. One I couldn't have imagined. It might be really different from how I pictured, which is probably good. I wasn't sure where I was going before, so it's not so different from right now, now is it?

It's not the end of the story, and the journey is what counts.

Insomnia and shopping mix well

Apparently the insomnia is back. I suppose that's what I get for sleeping all day. I thought it was just depression that was keeping me in bed. I suppose it is depression and boredom. I sleep when I'm bored. For some reason, now, I can't sleep. I'm getting tired, I think, but I can't turn off my brain. All I can think about is being unemployed and how much that just sucks. I think even Michael went to sleep, cause he's not answering emails anymore.

I just online shopped again. I got 4 things for 30% off, and two of them were on sale. I like a good sale. I got more sweater dresses. I love those. They cover the tattoos (if I had a job that would matter), they're warm and cozy, and they're cute. I like looking cute. I dress up just to dress up, nowadays. I can't seem to shake the need to look good, which is a good thing, I think. I don't like just running around in a t-shirt and jeans, though I have some cute t-shirts.

It's finally getting cold here. I like the cold, and some say it's going to be a blizzard again here this year. I kind of hope it does. I missed snow. I like the fresh crunch of the snow under my boots. I don't really have good shoes for snow (I have a pair of snow boots, yes) because I've been wearing heels a lot more lately, but screw it. Sometimes you have to sacrifice to look cute.

Self will run riot

"Psychological theories have traditionally explained depression as "Anger turned inward against the self." If you fail to live up to some internal standard of who or what you are supposed to be, some internal watchdog notes your failure and begins to let you know that you haven't been all that you could be--depression. People often talk about being angry with themselves because they have not accomplished or achieved or done what they think they should have. This explanation accounts for the diminished self esteem depressed people often report."

This is from an article on depression. Ah, the failure to live up to ideals. I think I need to be in one place in this time of my life, and I'm not. I thought I would be married with kids by now, but I got over that. I wonder if I'll just get over thinking I should be a career woman right now, and go back to working retail? I wonder when my unemployment runs out? I should look that up.

I do have high internal standards of who I'm supposed to be. I suppose everyone does. I'm constantly being told I'm too hard on myself, but aren't we all supposed to try and achieve? Aren't we all encouraged to reach for something better for ourselves? And what happens when it's all taken away from you by one swift action from an asshole like my old boss? What happens then? Well, wouldn't YOU be hard on yourself?

"Extinction learning"

They've found an interesting way to help addicts recover:

"This is the first time that a therapeutic treatment has been shown to block the retrieval of memories associated with drug addiction, a major reason many addicts experience relapse, says Mueller.

Along with the discovery of propranolol's cocaine-memory blocking effects, the researchers also have identified the primary players in the brain responsible for "extinction" learning -- the ability to replace cocaine-associated memories with associations that have no drug 'reward.'"

So when you block the memory of the good times, you can focus on the bad. Kind of like AA. People tell their stories all the time, but the focus is on the bad things it did to them. They like to walk through the drink, and focus on the consequences associated with taking that first drink. I like that. It makes you remember what an ass you were, or all the trouble you go into, which wasn't the fun part. Apparently it really is a step towards the cure.

It's interesting how they call it "extinction learning." Changing that learning and associating the drink or the smoke or the drug with something bad instead of something good. I need to associate smoking with smelling bad. I think that's my biggest problem with it right now: I stink. And with getting out of breath in the first 30 minutes of running. Once my lungs warm up I'm fine, but those first 30 are a killer.

Look at those gums

"Our research shows that strong, negative graphic imagery -- and fear evoked from such imagery -- influences smokers' intentions to quit."

So they think it works! You should take a look at some of the images - gross. I bet carrying around a pack with gum cancer on it would be pretty awful. I bet there'll be a run on cigarette pack holders. Granted, some of the reasons I want to quit have to do with health, but it's not my driving motivation. What is my motivation? Good question.

I don't want to smell gross when Adam hugs me. I don't want to track smoke into the house for my dad to smell. I don't want to waste so much money. I want to be able to run better. Good reasons, eh? I think so.

Ah, the Adam factor. He's always there. Do I do things just to make him love me? Sometimes I think I do. I just want him to be proud of me. He asked me tonight if he should go away, if that would make it better. Maybe it would, but being far away from him made me want him more. Being close to him is giving me perspective on the situation. Being close and just hanging out reminds me how nice that is - that we don't have to do anything or have a relationship outside of that. I think being without him as a friend would just make me obsess, and losing someone so close to me would be terribly difficult.

Girl, interrupted

"Old behavior brings old feelings -- new behavior brings new feelings. So if you want to feel differently, behave differently."

New behavior. I need to start getting back up at 8:30am and not sleeping till 2, like I have been for the past week. I need to not be up at 3am writing posts and not letting my dog sleep, either. I need to run more. All these behaviors will make me feel better, no doubt. And will I do them? Yeah, I'll get back on schedule. I will. I'm strong, and determined.

But tonight. Tonight I'm going to feel sorry for myself. I really don't do it enough. I tend to take the happy sunshine approach to everything. I really do need to just let myself wallow every now and again. I need to feel these feelings of loss and sadness instead of stuffing them down with peace and fake happiness. "Fake it til you make it" they say, but tonight I'm going to stay up and keep writing depressing posts.

Perhaps this is my emotional bottom. I've talked about it a little before, but boy am I feeling it now. I'm feeling like shit. God I miss my life. I miss having my own things, my own place, my car, my friends, my independence. I miss my life. I don't have a life here. I am living, true, but it's not a life. I don't want this. I moved west to get away from all this. I moved to feel better, and I did. Things were just getting good. I was in the middle of my best year yet. I was getting sober and making it even better. And then it all got interrupted by this shit.

Who said this could happen? Last time I was unemployed it was 4 months of misery. I was off my meds and crazier than a rat in shit. I lost my freaking mind. And this time? I'm on meds, but I'm feeling more because I'm not drinking. I drank my way through unemployment last time, and only felt better when I got a job. It's been 2 months, and now it's all catching up to me.

The horoscope speaks for me

"For Sunday, November 21 -If anyone is famous for being able to withstand anything and everything with compassion, understanding and sensitivity, it's you. You're usually quite able to keep your temper under wraps, too. At the moment, however, it won't be easy for you to hide anything you feel, for better or worse. You'll also surprise everyone around you with your reactions. If you're accused of overreacting, hang in there. Just because they're not used to seeing you this way doesn't mean you're not justified."

Why is my horoscope always right? I don't feel like pretending anymore. I don't feel like kidding myself that it's all fine - that I know this too shall pass, that everything is going to be alright. Lots of people spend a lot of time in unemployment. My friend Sam has been unemployed for 2 years! Tim has been unemployed for 3! Sam had to declare bankruptcy, twice. I don't want to go there. I don't want to have to sell my car, or sell all my stuff in storage because I can't afford the $200 a month fee anymore. I could cash in my 401k and my money market accounts and live comfortably for years, but I don't want to do that, either.

I'm so worried about all of this. I just don't have any idea how it's going to turn out, or maybe, when it's going to turn out alright.

And this is how I feel

All dressed up, no place to run
No car, no girl, no pills, no fun
Nothing to do in this empty room
I gotta get my head together soon

Alone again, no plans, no friends
You come around at half past ten
You say "How are you holding up my friend?
Are you sitting around getting drunk again?"

And I hear the desperation of those lines
Wasted hours, others wasted time
Uh, yeah, I been just fine!
...
And I wish I had the guts to scream
You know, things aren't always what they seem
When you walk away, I want to stay
Don't leave me here to pace and pray
....
Oh, happy, alright I might be, I guess
If I wasn't such a mess

Creeping depression

Here we go, folks! The depression has finally hit! Maybe this isn't a good time to quit smoking, but I'm going to do it anyway. It has to happen sometime, and there's always going to be stress in my life. I need to learn how to handle it better.

Ever since I upped my meds I haven't been feeling depressed. I think they really evened me out, and kept my chemistry normal. Now, it's depression, but depression for depression's sake. It's not chemical, it's situational.

So what can I do to change my situation? I can keep working on getting a job. I can job hunt daily. This is also a nice distraction from my life. I can run. I can go running tomorrow with the doglet, and make both of us feel better. I can focus on quitting smoking. I can focus on AA. I can just focus on making my self the best Anne that I can be.

But I don't really feel like doing any of that, even though I know I'll force myself to do it. I don't know who to talk to about this. My therapist is so happy all the time, and she wants me to do Ennegrams and meditation and shit. Fuck all that. I'm just depressed and I want some solution. I need something to change in my situation.

I'm listening to depressing music and it's sort of helping. I need to cry. I've felt like crying since sitting in the car with Adam. I just need to get it all out. I'm talking to Michael on email right now. He's good about this kind of stuff. He understands the crippling depression and the urge to kill yourself.

I don't feel like killing myself, but the thought does come up. What's nice is, I don't want to die. I have no interest in that. I'm too curious: I want to know how it's all going to turn out. But I do feel like shit. I do feel like I need some release. I need to go for a run. Or a cigarette.

Lonely sucks

I am so lonely. Moving back was a good decision, especially since I've been getting unemployment and it's pennies, but I'm so lonely. I suppose I was lonely before, just hanging out in my house with my dog, but I had drinking. And I had my Thursday night girls night and weekends with Michael. I had work and the people there. I went out to cookies and coffee all the time and chatted with folks.

I'm so lonely here. I have my dad, and Adam, and Andrea, but it's just not enough, almost. I keep calling my friends from where I moved and talking to them about everything going on. I miss them so much. They are the people I want in my someday wedding. I feel closer to them than anyone else. I love them, and they love me, and I'm lonely.

H.A.L.T. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired. I don't feel like drinking, but I do feel like I need something. Some human contact that doesn't have strings attached. I need to just lie down with someone, even if it's just on the phone, and discuss how I'm feeling without getting the AA version. "It's just the committee; you're going through and emotional bottom; blah, blah, blah." I just need a little sympathy. Life is really kind of tough right now, and I don't need the platitudes. I don't need the fake solutions to everything. I don't need advice, I need comfort.

I wanna be Bob Dylan

It's all in my head, I know. The "committee" telling me I suck in this business, and I'm just a horrible loser for living at home with my dad and being unemployed. The little voice that tells me it's easier to find a job when you have a job; that no one hires the unemployed. It's all in my head. My resume has found me 8 interviews, so someone out there is bound to want me eventually. Will I want them? Will I be desperate enough to just accept something? I feel desperate now. I just want to be working, I think. Or, I just want money coming in. "How does it feel to want?" says Adam. It feels shitty. I feel like shit.

I ran out of cigarettes tonight and went to a sober open mic with Adam. It was fun and I saw my friend Erin, who is speaking tomorrow at a meeting. I'm going to go hang out with her and get some gossip. Should be interesting. She's got so much going on, and it's nice to focus on someone elses troubles for a while.

Adam and I sat in the car and talked for a while after he drove me home. We talked about the committee, and how we feel about each other. "I don't know how I feel," he said. "I don't know how I'll feel in 6 months, either." Truth is, I don't know how I feel right now. I have so much going on in my life that I can't even imagine being in a relationship right now. And do I really want him like that? Do I even want to be in a relationship with him, or is the relationship we have just fine?

Sometimes I think I like it like this. I could be a bitch and say it's cause I can do better: I usually date guys with 6 packs and who are tall and blonde. He's none of those (well, he's taller than me), and some people find him obnoxious, but I don't. There's a good heart in there that's attractive to me. He's a good man. It doesn't matter what he looks like on the outside, or how many degrees he's got.

But I could find someone else, I know I could. I have in the past. It's not hard. I'm an attractive, fun person to be with. I give in relationships, and no longer let people just take. It's got to be even. And I generally don't take people's shit. I think I'm good in relationships. I have close friendships with all my ex's.

So why do I think I need him? Do I? No. I don't need him in order to be happy. I just like being around him. Does that mean it's love? Maybe not.