Holy crap its almost Sunday

This is what happens when you have friends in town: you totally lose track of what day it is, get fat, and forget to blog. I'm alive! I am, really. And fat. I've been to more restaurants this week than I have in the past 3 months. And really good restaurants, too. No McDonalds for this foodie; only the best. And I'm stuffed.

I've also been to a lot of bars. My friends make fun of me for getting a diet Coke every time, and encouraged me to branch out. So tonight I got coffee and a root beer. Look at me! Sober girl, testing out new drinks. I also almost gave some guy my number but hesitated too much and he walked away. I should be quicker on the draw. But it proved something to me: I can be spontaneous and silly on just caffeine (I have had a LOT of caffeine, but still). I don't have to be drunk to be the fun girl. I am still me without booze. The magic ingredient is getting out of the house and hanging out with friends.

Now, to find friends....

On a roll

I made it to another meeting today. I drove Ed to the airport and just decided to stop on the way home. It's one of those, "if the light is green I'll make the left and go to the meeting, but if it's red I'll make the right and go home." Light was green, so I went.

The guy who led had some serious issues going on in his life, but one thing he did reiterate for me from last night's meditation was that moment of pause. Instead of reacting immediately to something you have the opportunity to take a moment and pause, breathe, and reconsider your reaction. Instead of getting angry or hurt, you can just pause. I like that a lot. Jumping on the emotion and really investigating it's origins and if it's the appropriate reaction.

Andrea and her boyfriend are in town today, so it's off to guide them around the area and do some touristy stuff. Fun! I love exploring my own town.

It has nothing to do with you

I just remembered something while I was writing that last post. We were talking over dinner, and I don't remember the context, but Adam said that if he were to make a move on me he would be shunned by his community because I don't have a year yet. A light kind of went off for me, then. It's not about him being on a white horse, like he says, it's about being a member of a community and living by the social rules. Without them, things fall apart, and in order to remain an upstanding member he has to play by the rules. And the rules say don't mess with people of the opposite sex who have less than a year in the program.

Good. Again, it's not about me. It has nothing to do with whether he even feels like that about me or not. And things could change in 4 months. Who knows? Maybe by then I'll be dating someone else, or maybe we'll have decided friendship is the best route. Or whatever. I can't tell the future. I just have to let go of any idea of he and I together. I need to let it go. It's just not going to happen any time soon, so I have to stop looking for reasons it should.

He also asked me if I had ever just dated. I don't like when he suggests I date, because it sure feels like rejection, but now that I realize that I have to get over it it doesn't need to matter anymore. I have dated, and I was fine with it. It was entertaining, though nothing really came from it. I did find a new friend. (This was last year.)

Ramble, ramble. Anyway, it's time to go to bed. Let's see if that happens.

Listen, Tara

Wow, two meetings in one day? What the hell kinda day is this?

Adam and Ed and I went to a meeting tonight that wasn't AA, it was a meditation meeting. The woman did a little kind of guided meditation and then gave a little talk on a topic. Tonight she talked about "trance," or the way we split off from ourselves. She talked about an old Buddhist story of a girl who was in love with a young man, and then when told she couldn't be with him she cleaved in to two: one who went after him and lived with him away from her family and lonely for them, and the other who stayed with her family alone from him and depressed. Eventually the two parts reconnect and she becomes whole again.

The leader talked about how when facing scary things or happy things, or anything, really, we tend to get into trance-like states. We focus wholly on one thing and leave the others out. It was a really interesting thing to spend 2 hours just pondering. And I got a lot out of it. I can't tell you why, but it just helped me learn two things: there's no rush, and it's no reflection on me.

Oh course, I'm talking about Adam. He was sitting right next to me as she was telling the story of this girl whose love for another cleaved her in two, and all I could think was, yeah, I get a little "tranced" thinking about this whole thing. But it hit me: just because he doesn't know how he feels right now doesn't mean it's all a wash. He doesn't have to know, and I don't have to know, either, because the end of the world isn't imminent (for all we know). For all we know, we both have time to see what this is and where it goes. It could stay just where it is, and that would have to be fine.

And that was my other thing: it's fine. It's not a reflection on me. He's dealing with his own stuff, and just because he doesn't want me sexually doesn't mean I'm unlovable. He loves me; he tells me so. That's enough. I need to accept that he means it, and not think that because he's not showing it physically that he doesn't mean it. Physical love isn't all there is to it.

So let go, right? This friendship is good. I need to be good in what is, and not think that I'm unlovable because it's not what it used to be. Things change.

Yeah, yeah, I know

I made it to a meeting this morning, thanks to Adam. He had to go to the doc, and so I got dropped off at the club to fend for myself for an hour. Not a bad deal. I ran into a friend there, too. A woman who was sponsored by my old sponsor was there with another woman. She came up to me after the meeting to ask how I was, and to tell me she relapsed over Christmas. To tell the truth, I'm not surprised. She was having a tough go of it, and my old sponsor was only annoying her. "I'm giving her another 90 days and then I'm going to figure it out," she said. I told her to hang in there with the sponsor and to call me if she needed anything. I hope she does. She's unemployed, too, and without a license, so it's tough for her to get around.

The meeting was the fifth step from the 12x12. I should be on my fifth step right now. I've got a finished fourth step just sitting there waiting for a sponsor, but I heard something good this morning. A man said even when he sponsors people he doesn't hear their fifth step. "I think it's best done with a member of the clergy or a therapist. I may have experience being sober, but I'm not trained for when people fall apart."

I had been thinking of doing the fifth with a priest anyway. Before I got sober I "did a fifth step," or like we call it in the church, I went to confession. I was serious about it, and told him everything. All the dirty little secrets only I knew. And though he had a little look of shock, he told me that God forgave me, as long as I wasn't going to go back out and repeat myself. I have never felt the grace of God like I did at that momemnt. I felt light and free! I still remember that feeling to this day, and it's been 2 years or so. Maybe 3.

But I do need to find myself a sponsor. I'm not sure where to look for one. I don't know if the club near me will really be a good hunting ground. It's mostly men, and I seem to be hitting all the old biker guy meetings. I want someone older than me, and so this is a good spot to look, but who knows. Time to get serious about it, I suppose!

What is this?

It's a miracle! I got up before 2, and I made a meeting already today. I've also had an inexorbinant amount of coffee. Like 2 espressos and a regular coffee. My head is a buzzin.

Today is Adam's birthday. I'm sitting here typing while he's taking a shower. He came to get me last night and I spent the night curled up with him again. It's always a nice feeling to wake up curled in his arms listening to him snore. Well, the snoring isn't nice, but it is funny. I'm probably the only person who finds snoring amusing, but I do.

We talked a little last night about how he's working on building intimate relationships on different levels than he's used to, and how our relationship is something he likes working on. But he keeps referencing "whatever this is between us." And that's what I want to know. What the hell is it? Where do I stand? I know two things: he's the most intimate relationship I've ever had, and I'm glad we're still able to grow together. I like just hanging out with him. Do I want more? You know, I do. It's strange; no matter how odd he is or confusing to me, it's the little things that make me remember I love him. I just wish I knew where I stood.

All things shall come in their own time, I suppose. I need to develop that patience. I know he's working on the AA timeline first, so even should he figure out what "this thing between us" is, I know I won't hear about it till May. So damn frustrating.

You can see it, too

"You look much better, but maybe it's just the colorful earrings. Last week I thought you were slipping into a clinical depression. What's the chance you're going to hurt yourself this week?"

"Slim to none. Sure, I've thought about it in my darkest moments, but I have a secret weapon. See this scar? This scar tells me stories. It speaks to me even through my deepest, darkest moments. It can cut through any depressive thoughts. All I have to do is look.

It's just 2 inches long, thicker on one side, with a few spokes evenly placed. It's deep white on pink, lines of blue underscoring it's perfectly parallel placement to palmistry lines. It's quiet, silent, but with a booming, concussive meaning.

All I have to do is remember it's there and take a deep, unbreaking look. I can't let myself look away and forget for any instant just what this line means. This simple spot on my body which means so much. This little section of arm lacking feeling, holding emotion.

So all I have to do is take one good look. One moment to force myself to concentrate on the thick, straight line to know that no, I'm not going to hurt myself this week, or any."

And we're still up

If you've been reading the times and dates on the last few posts you will have come to the conclusion that it's 8am Tuesday and I haven't been to sleep yet. I can hear my dad coughing in his room, so I know he's still up, too. He doesn't have the benefit of a blog to keep him company, though.

I have nothing to write about, really. I have no sober words of wisdom, no report on the depression, no scientific articles to quote, no further insight into the path my life will take. I'm just up and thought I'd say hi. Hi.

A new plan dawns

I was rereading some of my ramblings and something has become abundantly clear: I don't like working behind a desk, and I'm super bored doing what I'm doing. So then why am I looking for work in a boring field? If I'm not going to be mentally stimulated, then why even try to work again? Why not come up with something that will make me happy? I was pricing some items yesterday at work, just going through the motions and was peacefully listening to my music. I like retail. I'm fine with working hard physically. And as people came in I remembered that I like interacting. I like to do things with people.

My dad was wandering in earlier (nope, he's still not asleep. He's watching the weather channel and eating some soup I just made), and we started talking about what I would be good at. "Anne, everyone always tells you you're a great writer, and I think you would be great at teaching. Why don't you do that?" That, referring to the program of study that I would like to do but which would just be fun for me and not career related. Well, why the hell couldn't I make fun my career? Why couldn't I do something like that? Just because the only job you can get in that field is teacher doesn't mean I'm excluded from that field. Hell, both my parents were teachers at some point in their careers.

So I've made up my mind. I'm no longer going to apply for positions. If one of the things I applied to until now offers me a job I'll consider it (especially for the health care), but my plan is to start on the road to a PhD. That's right, Dr. Anne. I just laughed out loud as I typed it. It's something I've always wanted to do, I've just never thought I could pull it off. Well screw it, I can always try. I have 8 years of skills in something else that I can fall back on now, so I might as well try to do something I love.

My plan is to meet with the university (I am REALLY lucky in that a local university has just the program I am looking for) and talk to them about the process, the potential outcomes, and if they are really what I'm looking for. I'll assess the program, take my GRE again, and start applying places. I wouldn't start a program till fall, which gives me time to take out loans and start language programs. I would have to be fluent in two languages other than English, which is a bummer cause I'm totally not.

I have a friend who is doing school and living on loans. I think I'd take out enough to pay off my car and credit cards, and then move out once I start the program. I need to think through the money thing a little more, but that's the initial plan.

Insomnia is cute

Just a little something cute from me to you.

So we were talking about staying up late in order to be alone, right? Well, it's 3:30am and I'm listening to Tom Petty, surfing the internet, and talking to my dad. Dad, you say? Yep. He's up, too. He's an insomniac, and it's really bad today. He's on the phone with the airlines (he's going somewhere for a week) because one of his flights was canceled. I think he just got through to someone. He came in a minute ago and said he'd been on hold for 18 minutes. When I left the living room last he was drinking chamomile tea and trying to rest. Wonder what happened to trying to go to bed.

And yeah, it's 3:30am and I'm still here, too. I'm wandering around the internet not getting anything done, but getting stuff done all the same. I did find the awesome picture above, which has to count for something.

The power of people

Last week I stayed in and watched my show. This week, I spent 2 days with Adam and went to a meeting. Posts last week: 5. Posts in three days: 15. Hm. Interesting that actually having a life gives me something to write about. It makes me feel better to be around people; to interact. The book says something about a 2's worst day (enneagrams again) is being locked up without human contact. I think that's pretty true of me. I need people. My dad is a loner, so he's no good for human contact. Plus he just talks lately about stuff Glen Beck says, and it's driving me nuts.

Anyway, I need to get out of the house more. I signed up for Meetups on meetup.com. It has some neat groups like running groups, coffee, yoga, young professionals, etc. I did one when I moved out to the other coast and met some nice people. I'd like to start meeting nice people again. I need to cultivate relationships so I'm not dependent on the few I have. I need to learn things you can only learn by getting out there and living. So I signed up. Watch me go, she says sarcastically.

And yes, I'm going to go back to going to meetings. I think if only for the getting to know new people thing it's worth it. And the getting the hell out of the house every now and again. It took having to drink a Red Bull to give me the energy, but now I know I can do it. I can function outside of my pajamas. I can put on my big girl pants and get the hell out of bed to do something. I mean, I knew I could, but it's nice to have proof.

Of course, it's 2am and it's not looking like I'm going to bed any time soon. No big deal, since I didn't get out of bed till 4pm today, but it doesn't bode well for getting out of bed tomorrow before 4pm again. I really need to get the sleep thing in order, but as I told my therapist, it's the only time I feel like I'm alone, and I need alone time. Even just sitting in my room all day doesn't give me the alone feeling, because my door is open and my dad comes in and talks to me. But when he's asleep I have time to think; to be alone.

So I'm going to type more tonight, I'm sure.

A little Joni

It's not a show tune, and it's not horribly happy, but it's what I'm listening to right now. This song makes me feel.

Med delay

I just called the drug company that's shipping my meds and she said they should be here this week, even after the Homeland Security delay all the drugs have been having. She also told me about a "7 day stay" that you can get from any pharmacy. They'll give you 7 days of meds to get you through a gap like this, as long as your doc calls it in. So I'm going to call the doc and have him call the local pharmacy to give me a little layover. That should hold me until anytime this week they get here. She said they were expected to be delivered on the 6th, which means with the week delay it should be Wednesday or so. Not bad.

It's kind of ridiculous that it's taken almost a month for my drugs to get here. I'm glad I ordered when I did, or I would have been in real trouble. I'm already walking a very shaky line. One thing that sucks is if I call the doc and tell him I'm depressed, it won't matter. I can't go messing with my meds since I can a)not afford new ones or dosage changes b)wouldn't get new ones or dosage changes for a month anyway. So maintenance is all I've got right now.

Which means: I need to snap out of it. Right, telling a depressive to snap out of it is like telling someone with no legs to walk it off, but hell, I'll give anything a shot.

Positive self talk

The enneagram book says some more neat things, but they have a list of things a two should tell themselves, and since I'm giving the book back tomorrow I thought I'd write um here for posterity, and such.

"I am as important as everyone else.

It is as important for me to receive love and help as to give them.

I will speak up for what I want.

I do not have to give to be loved.

It is important for me to spend some quality time by myself."

So true, all of these things. I am important, and I have needs that need to be met. I should surround myself with others who will give and not just take. I should start relationships with emotionally available people and not try to save people from something. It talks about codependency in the book, and saving people is a huge 2 thing. I totally do that. I find the lost puppies with anger problems and try to fix them. Look where that's gotten me.

It also says be aware your desire for sex may camouflage your need for attention and approval. That kinda stung when I read it. I know I use sex, but I was never sure for what. I suppose it is just a mechanism for knowing that people like me. Maybe that's why it's so frustrating that Adam won't sleep with me. I can't tell how he feels about me.

Wow, I'm glad I'm in therapy.

229 is the magic number

229 days. That's how many days I have sober as of right now. 229. That's a lot of one day(s) at a time. That's a lot of vacations and work days, travel days and unemployed days. That's a lot of people I've seen and places I've been to. That's a lot of days.

In just these 229 days I've faced a lot of adversity and joy. I've faced moving and job loss, disappointments of all kinds and glorious setbacks. I've faced depression and overwhelming joy. I've been to weddings and holiday parties, church and AA meetings. I've reconnected with people and let everyone know I'm on this journey. I've stopped and started numerous things. I've been strong and I've been weak.

And it's over half way to 365 days. It's getting closer and closer. Soon it will be 365 days of continuous non-drinking (and at that time it will be 6 months of no smoking, too). What will happen between now and then? What will happen then? Only 136 more days can tell.

Enneagrams

Have you ever done the enneagram tests? They're neat little personality tests where you can find out a little more about how you tick. I'm apparently a 2, which is the helper. We are "motivated by the need to be loved and valued and to express their positive feelings towards others." Sounds about right, maybe. But then I read a book my therapist gave me and it said:

"How to get along with me (a 2):
-Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
- Share fun times with me.
- Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
- Let me know that I am important and special to you.
- Be gentle if you criticize me."

Wow. That's so me. I really need to know I'm loved and needed. It's important to me that others see that I do care, and I want to be here to help. I want them to come to me with their problems; I want to be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to hear their concerns. And man do I get defensive when criticized. I hate it. It makes me think I'm unloved, and I just can't stand it.

It also says twos have trouble asking for what they want, and so become manipulative. Yeah, that's me, too. I have so much trouble even knowing what I want, and I don't usually know until I've manipulated the situation to give me what I think I need. I tend to "rule" other people in order to play out the situation the way I want it. I get frustrated when I'm not in charge. All two-like behavior.

It's funny when some odd little test can pin you down so perfectly. My horoscope does that all the time, too. It just seems to know me. Any book you read about my sign usually has me pretty much pegged. I don't know how.

Adam's mom had a psychic friend who did a map of Adam and my future while we were dating, but she never showed it to us. She said she couldn't let us effect the future by reading it. I have always wanted to know what she saw, because I'm pretty sure it would be right.

Curiosier and curiousier

Something Mr. Sponsorpants said that I wanted to share. He had a REALLY crappy day the other day, and made this deal with his readers:

So here's the deal: You don't lie, and bail, or drink or use or kill yourself -- just get through the day with as much dignity and grace as you can muster -- and I'll do the same.

I think that's the best deal you can make with yourself or others. Just don't drink or use is of course super important, but there's also the other great bits of wisdom in there. Don't lie. Live by the Golden Rule: do unto others. So if you don't like being lied to, don't lie. Don't bail on plans you've made. Follow through. And don't kill yourself. It's so not worth it.

I heard someone say when they were using every day they would wake up and think, "God damnit, I'm still alive." And now, after 4 years sober, they wake up and think, "Man, I'm curious what's going to happen today." Cultivate curiosity. Find something to look forward to. Hell, make it up. Try to look forward to the sun setting every day if you can't think of anything else. Look forward to the temperature change at dusk and try to be there to feel it. Anything that gets you through the day.

So let's make a deal: Just for today, don't drink or use, don't lie or bail, and cultivate the curiosity to live with.

Ambitious

She said it in a matter of fact voice; a matter of fact thing: "I run from the things that scare me. I just learned it. When something makes me uncomfortable I sink into depression, I withdraw from others, I take that pain inside. But at least it takes less pain now to make me realize what I'm doing."

I thought Nicole was so right. When something is wrong I sleep more, I sink into depression, I withdraw. And I don't know if it's the depression that comes first or the pain, but I'm starting to think it's the pain.

Losing your job hurts. It doesn't just hurt for a second, no, that's just the initial sting, like a scorpion. But then it aches, and the aching doesn't just fade. It stays with you, like a migraine. And eventually, all the lights, the good things in your life, just hurt, too. Eventually everything hurts and it's all too much, and then there you are - in depression.

So here I am. I'm grateful for a lot of stuff, but it just seems the more I'm grateful the less happy I am. It's not having the desired effect. And I think it's because I'm a snob. I think maybe, just maybe, losing my job and not being able to find one is a lesson I'm supposed to learn. Maybe my HP knocking me down a peg. See, I wouldn't ever date a guy who lived at home (didn't care the circumstances), I would look down on people without even thinking about it like that. I would spend money carelessly on things like blenders and gourmet foods because I could afford it. And now that I can't even buy cheap groceries, I'm remembering what a farce expensive food stores are. How silly it is to eat out all the time.

I think I'm supposed to be learning a lot more from this season of my life than I've been getting out of it. Working in the store has taught me, again, the value of work. It's good to have a job, any job, and when someone asks you to do it, and really counts on you, you have to get it done. There's no messing around and ignoring your projects in a job like mine. I don't get to come in and sit at my desk and check Facebook. I have to do the laundry, and code the packages, and price the new products. He's counting on me.

So I'm relearning the value of work, and real work. Not desk work, but actual labor. And I'm remembering how much more I enjoy it than desk work. If I could make the money I made sitting at a desk by doing retail work I would take it in a heartbeat. I'd rather be on my feet greeting customers, running the register, refolding products instead of staring at a computer screen and being bored out of my mind.

Maybe I should just take a part time gig and then work retail. Maybe that's the best way to go about this. Maybe I should take out that loan and go to school for what I want instead of what will further my career. Maybe I'm just not a career girl, afterall....

Right where I am

"So I said fuck it, I'm done with you people. I've heard all I need to hear: the same old stories, the same old platitudes. I have a ton of literature, I have phone numbers that I use, I have a connection to a higher power, and I journal. What else can you possibly have for me?" And they all laughed. "Damn right!" someone yelled.

"So I took a break. And then this morning my horoscope told me to come back. I didn't want to. Well, that's not true. I needed my 7 month chip. I do love the chips. And so I'm here, and I'm glad. I think that one thing that was missing from my program was this. I need the fellowship. I need to hear your stories, because as similar as they are, they're always different and they always hold some grain of truth I've been looking for. So yeah, I may not want to sometimes, but I'll keep coming back."

George came up to me after the meeting. "You know, you're right where you should be. Everyone feels that way sometimes, especially in their first year. You get this feeling that it's all bullshit, but they tell you to keep coming back, so you do. Just keep coming back through all the crazy."

Rich said, "All you need to do is just not drink and relax. Don't take it all so seriously. You aren't perfect, you just need to make progress, you know?"

"It takes as many months to clean out your brain as it did years to use. So how long did you use?" "Hm," I wondered aloud, "I guess let's just call it 15 years." "And what month are you on?" "7 1/2." "And there you go," George said. "You've got a few more months of complete crazy to get through before it starts to clear up more."

So I'm right where I should be. I'm in the rebellious teenage years of AA membership. Keep coming back, and maybe I'll just start to like it again.

Dreaming of a girl like you

Woah. I had a dream last night that I went out and did something and then picked up a six pack. I was walking home from somewhere and passed this familiar little kiosk area with an outdoor 7-11-like set up. I grabbed a six pack of beer, I don't know which kind, and put it on the counter. I also bought two packs of cigarettes, and not even my brand. I was paying when I woke up, but I distinctly remember having the conversation with myself: is this what you really want to be doing?

And I asked myself just that. Do you really want this? A beer? I'm not the biggest beer drinker, though I did used to enjoy them time to time, especially with burgers. But I told myself yes, I did want one.

And this was my horoscope for today: For Monday, January 10 -Being a joiner isn't for everyone, but you should consider aligning yourself with a group today. There are many perks you're missing out on, including the fact that seeing a group of diverse people on a regular basis will open your world to all sorts of exciting new stimulation. Seek out groups based around topics or issues you're interested in -- or a pastime you enjoy. Dancing lessons might also be a fun way to learn and exercise while you discover a new passion.

Does that scream get your ass to a meeting or what? I haven't yet, I slept the day away, but the day isn't over. I have to work now, but I get off at 8 and there's an 8:30 not far from here. We'll see if I have any follow through today.

Ah, ye temptresses of the night

It's confession time! It's been hard this week working in the store because we have a really great wine selection, and the owner is really into wine. He offered me a bottle and I told him I didn't drink. "Ah," he said, "My wife doesn't drink either. She said she had enough of it before she met me." I told him that was my thing too: I'd just had enough of it. And I have. But making the signs for the different regions and wines, visiting winery websites, especially of places I've been to before or places like Argentina where I would love to go, makes it hard. Can't you just imagine sitting on a vine covered patio in the cool breeze of the midday sipping a honeysuckle chardonnay and munching on fresh berries? I've done it before, and man was it fun. But I'll never have that moment with wine again.

Well, I shouldn't say never. I'm making the decision not to drink for just today. That's all I can say. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? One day at a time, and all that jazz.

Another thing we have is cigarettes. My job is really dull, and standing there pretty much alone for 6 hours had me staring at the cigarettes thinking, "I could just step out the back door...." But I thought about the taste and how really gross it is. "But if you just get past the first one...," nothing. Nope. Gross.

It's been a month and a half since I quit smoking, 7 1/2 since I quit drinking, and I have no reason to want to go back to either. I think having to think about them and look at them for hours on end kinda sucks, but I'll have to get used to being around things that make me uncomfortable one of these days.

You know what the best thing to do would be? Go to a meeting.

Brida

"She wanted to follow all possible paths and so ended up following none. After her first romantic disappointment, she had never again given herself entirely. She feared pain, loss, and separation.

These things were inevitable on the path to love, and the only way of avoiding them was by deciding not to take that path at all. In order not to suffer, you had to renounce love. It was like putting out your own eyes not to see the bad things in life."

Paulo Coehlo is a genius.

Dinner, but no movie

Adam and I went out yesterday and had dinner and then went out for coffee after. We checked out a place he likes that is new to me, but it was a nice little coffee shop in a great, burgeoning section of town. We grabbed some coffee and then sat in the window and settled in for a game of backgammon.

As you may have figured out by now, Adam and I are a lot alike. We're both pretty open and loving people, but also both really stubborn and can be immovable objects. And man can we fight. So a little game of backgammon turned into yelling in the parking lot and trying not to cry in the car, making sure he didn't notice. I was pissed, and just wanted to get the hell away from him at that moment, but there was no other place I wanted to be than beside him. Tragic, isn't it?

We drove in almost silence back to my house, occasionally spitting out something about how one was sorry, or this was about more than backgammon, and then he asked me what else was going on. I spit out, "My life is fucking miserable right now." And then realized what I had done. Luckily, he didn't run with it, but it's out there. Like he didn't know I was miserable, but I'm not, really. I'm just depressed, I think. I mean, I have a lot to be grateful for, and a lot of great things going. I have so many opportunities right now. And that's where I'm at the majority of the time. It's just the occasional feeling sorry for myself and horribly miserable. It's getting worse the longer I'm unemployed, but at least I can monitor it with my doc.

Anyway, that set me off. We pulled up at the intersection of two highways and I managed to squeak out through tears, "Please don't make me go home." He jacked the wheel and pulled us onto the highway that led to his house.

This morning when we got up we had breakfast, played video games, and then ran errands. I finally got some sunglasses to replace the ones I lost on Christmas, so I don't feel as blind outdoors now. He got a great shirt and the biggest damn umbrella I've ever seen. Well, I've seen bigger, but it's big. We had pizza and sodas, and then he returned me to my house. It was a really nice day, or two days. I had fun with him, like always, and we got in a little time cuddling, too, which is good for the soul.

He dropped me off and said, "It's almost like we went on a date last night." I said something snarky about not taking it personally, and immediately regretted it. He was being sweet, and I was jabbing it back in his face because his nicety hurt. Like a date. We have the weirdest relationship. If anyone on the outside looked at us they would think we're dating, but we're not. We just have a very touchy-feely, intimate kind of relationship. Does that bother me? Sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I'm dating someone who doesn't want to have sex with me, and other times I feel like he's just my best friend and we're both just lonely and need physical contact. I don't know what it is, and I suppose it's the former, because I tend to lash out at him when he says nice things like that.

His birthday is next week and I suggested we do this again and I'll make him breakfast in bed. Perhaps I'll just come over in the morning and do it. He said he needs to be careful who he sleeps with, and almost explained, but then as he remembered I reminded him he didn't need to explain himself. He said he'd been warned. One word: sponsor.

I don't know if it's that I don't have a year, or that I'm unemployed and depressed, or that I hurt him in the past, or that he's only a year out of a long-term relationship, or if it's all of those things or none. All I know is it drives me crazy how careful he's being. As his friend, I want him to be careful, I want him to be sure. But as a girl I hope is a prospect for him, I'm sick of the excuses. He says he doesn't know how he feels about me, but if I can read body language at all, then that has to be a cover for something else, something like, I'm scared.

Meds = Happiness?

The picture is right: I don't know how anyone else does it without meds. The world can just be such a disappointing place to live. There are horrible things that happen in the world; horrible, depressing things that make you question the whole purpose of humanity.

But then there are the great things in life: the trees and lakes, the smell of rain, snowflakes that stay on your nose and eyelashes, love. The world can be a beautiful place. And I suppose that's how most people get by: they focus on the good; they have short term memory for the bad. At least, that sounds right to me.

A simple prayer

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next."

Now, we all know the first part, but what about the rest of the prayer? And why don't we say it more often? It's full of good stuff. "Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time." One day, one moment at a time, and really living them, really enjoying every moment and not trying to think of the next one or the next. No strategy, no next steps, but living, truly living the moment. Sure, you need to take time to plan a little, I mean, God's not going to tell you what to wear to work tomorrow, but you know your HP will take care of the big stuff. Just live in that moment and enjoy it for what it is.

Which leads us to taking this "world as it is, not as I would have it." Life isn't here to make us happy. The purpose of life isn't to be happy. Happiness is fleeting. But when you take things as they are and as God or HP is presenting them to you, you can expect to be reasonably happy here on earth. And isn't that all we really need? To be better than miserable? And remember, misery is optional.

So try and say the full prayer sometimes. Remind yourself that it's about living one day at a time, the best you can, and not expecting things to be perfect. Remember, it's all progress, not perfection.