Well, this is it

My house is all in the truck, just barely. I should have gotten a bigger truck! It's going to be hell getting it all out again. Michael is really strong, and I don't know who's helping me on the other side besides Daniel and Adam. I think they can manage the furniture between the two of them, but it would be nice to have more people.

I can't believe I'm leaving. It just hit me, and I'm starting to freak out a little bit. My life is so going to change. I'm going to miss all my friends so much.

Everything is topsy turvy. I have a giant tattoo of Alice through the looking glass on my back, because her story is so like mine. They just got closer.

A sweet run would be nice

If I had a shower now would be a great time for a run. The fog is hanging high above my little town, so there are little drips of rain coming down, but not enough to make it "rainy." The streets are silent now that the bars are closed, and there is no one out on the sidewalks. Everything is quiet and nice.

I would put on my shoes and run out some of this anxiety. Just run until I was tired and then turn around and exhaust myself. I could run along the beach until I get to the big dog park at the other end of town. I could run under the aging oak trees, dripping their little bits of the fog. I could even run without my iPod and just listen to the silence.

But I don't have a shower. And I don't really feel like getting into bed exhausted, gross, and wet. I packed my towels because it seemed pointless to have them out anymore. Oh, crap. Everything in the yard is going to be wet. I have some stuff out there that needs to go into the truck and it's going to be all sandy when I wake up. I suppose tomorrow morning will be spent hosing off pots and my big iron plant holder. Maybe it'll wash the lawn chairs for me.

Sobriety and moving

What's kind of funny is through all of this, this change and stress and nervousness, I haven't wanted a drink. I did have a booze dream the other night, but I woke up in a panic until I realized it was a dream. I don't want to drink anymore. Just like I'm done with this place, I'm done with that part of my life. My life is different now, and better. I don't have to take to alcohol whenever something doesn't go my way. I can just be.

I have been chain smoking, though. That's just boredom. I don't know what to do with myself, so I smoke. I used to drink like that. I know the next addiction I need to kick is cigarettes, and I think it will be easier while living with my dad. See, he's retired and "doesn't know" I smoke, which means no smoking while I'm at home. It's not like I can just step outside and sneak a smoke. He lives on the damn 6th floor. I'd have to have a good excuse. And I'm sure I'll make them up. "Going to the store" or "getting the mail." To which he'll probably reply, "Oh, I'll come with you." He likes to hang out with me. So smoking will be hard. Which is a good thing. Maybe I'll get down to one or two a day and then just not buy another pack.

Adam has already said he knows some good sober ladies I can hook up with when I get there, so that will help integrate me into the AA fellowship in my new town. AA is a nice way to meet folks, and I'll get to figure out where all the churches are, at least. I'm sure I'll remember eventually. So AA will come soon enough. In the meantime, I think I'm going to be just fine on that front.

I want, I want

I have to move tomorrow. What the hell am I still doing up? Why can't I sleep? Oh yeah, cause I'm making the biggest change one can make besides getting married or having a baby. I'm moving across the country and leaving everything I know for a place I think I know.

This is big. Maybe I'll stop in Albuquerque and just drop off the map? Maybe make New Mexico my home and become a hermit. Then I won't need an income. Right. I have always wanted to live in New Mexico, but I'm just fine with visiting.

I've also always wanted to live in Boston. Maybe I'll go stay with my uncle for a month and see how it is. Or maybe I'll just visit there, too.

I really want to be home home. I don't want to leave it again permanently. I want to stick around and make it my home again. I want to find a nice place to buy with a yard and three bedrooms. Somewhere safe and yet close to transportation. Somewhere with a chimney and brick facade. A place with bright sun streaming in the windows where I can put my plants. I know just the place and just the neighborhood. Of course, it's gentrified more now than when I left, so I might have to buy someplace I can afford, first. But we're dreaming, here.

I want to find a nice guy who is smart and funny and "settle down." Deep down, I'm pretty old-fashioned. I want a 60th wedding anniversary party. I want to find someone I can really share everything with, and have a couple of kids. One to three. I'm an only child, and I hated it, so maybe two is good.

I want to find a profession I enjoy and am good at, with a nice pensioners fund. Good luck, right? Well, there's always the government.

I want all these simple things, and I want them to happen at home. So I'm going there to find myself, just like I came here to do the same.

And I did. I found boundaries. I found out who I was when my family wasn't around. I learned to love myself and even like myself, too. I found out a lot about who I am and how I work, and now I can take that knowledge home with me.

So here's hoping.

Bring it all!

What can I get rid of? Do I need all this furniture?

Let's see. My couch and chair. They are kind of hideous, and the couch is not comfortable. But I love them. They're old, forties style construction in a gross, shiny yellow-green color. Hard to describe, really. The cushions need restuffing, badly. But they make me happy. Stay.

Screen. Stays.

Bookshelf. Stays. It's from World Market, and I love them. I wish I had 3.

Trunks. Stay. One is from when I drove a friend cross-country for her move. We stopped at every little antique shop along the way because she's a collector. We added some stuff to her already full Penske, and I got a beautiful old steamer trunk in Missouri. It was $45 and perfect. I refinished it, and added Mexican tiles to the top. The other one came from the side of the road in the city. When I first moved here and lived in the city, I came down a hill one day and saw this big, beautiful steamer trunk on out in front of my neighbor's house with a free sign on it. It was in disrepair and smelled (still does) of mothballs. I took it home and spent a long weekend completely refinishing it. I love them both. Stay.

Bed. Hm. I could get rid of the bed. You can always get a new bed. Let's think about this one a little.

Dresser. Another freebie, but it's made of solid wood, and you just don't find that nowadays.

I'm a pack rat.

COBRA strike!

Ok, so my current health company offers unemployment health insurance as well. It will be nice to stay with the same company. It varies from $146 to $258 a month, depending on the deductible amount and out of pocket limits. I'm going to have to talk to my dad about this one. Knowing me, I'd get the cheapest one and then have to have a leg amputated or something. I know he'll counsel me to get the medium one. So that's about $200 a month in health insurance.

Let's see here:

$300 car payment
$118 car insurance
$200 health insurance
$143 storage
$100 Discover card

Let's say $900 a month. That doesn't include prescription refills, vet visits and dog food, food for me, or anything else. That's my unemployment right there. I am so glad I'm moving! Jesus. I wouldn't be able to afford rent, anyway. I made the best choice.

Unemployment!

Apparently if I move to another state and still want to claim unemployment I have to call an 800 number. I knew I wasn't the first to do this, I just didn't know where it was in the booklet they sent. Thank God I have insomnia and was just reading this thing.

So we'll see what they say. I think as long as I keep looking for work and remain a resident of this state, I'll be able to keep claiming benefits. Here's hoping. It would turn out to be about as much as working a retail job, which wouldn't have kept me alive here, but if I'm living with my dad it will pay all my bills, and maybe even COBRA, which is insurance for unemployed folks. I need to look into that, too.

Last time I was unemployed and had no insurance I was a mess. I know I've written about it here before. It was when I didn't leave the big red chair for weeks. I was manic, and then I was more depressed than I've ever been. So I'm getting a 6 month prescription on my meds from my doctor, and then I'm going to get some sort of insurance to tide me over. I can't go without meds again. That will just make the situation bad, and any opportunities will be wasted on me.

A box of books

I still can't sleep. I'm just walking around labeling boxes, "Open me first" or, "Dad's" to mark which ones need to go at the front of the bus. Or the back. Maybe I'll put them in the back so I unload them last. Everything else goes into storage for the time being.

Everything else goes into storage. My life is all in boxes and is headed for a cold, dark cell for the next whoever knows how long. All my pictures and trinkets from travels. All my furniture and books. All my towels and sheets and crap I can't even remember now because it's been in a box all week. Funny how that happens. There are two boxes I keep reopening, and I think those are the two that will have to live at my dad's house. That and my clothes.

I have no idea how it's all going to fit. See, my dad is a collector. Some might say hoarder, but it's really only books. He has a two bedroom apartment, and little paths to everything. The walls are entirely made of books. There's no room for anything. My old bedroom furniture is still intact, but everything is books otherwise. There is only room to get to the two twin beds, and the closets have all of my grandma's clothes because she comes to visit so often.

Where am I going to fit? I think that's my big question. Where do I fit in the world now that I'm unemployed and homeless? Where is my space to carve out a home? A place of my own? Where the hell am I going to put myself for the next who knows how long?

Friends make the world go round

Can I just have a little flip out for a minute? OH MY GOD I'M NOT READY! I mean, I'm ready to be home, but I'm not ready to leave these people behind. They're so important to me! They have made my life so much better! They have added an incredible value to everything I do, and they've loved me through thick and thin. They've been there to cheer me on when I do something, even when I do weird things, which I do. They've been my friends, lovers, co-workers, everything. These people I'm closest to are all banding together to help me move far away from them. Virginia is even making me my favorite cupcakes, as long as I promise to buy her KFC (It's next door. Sometimes the smell is enticing, sometimes repulsive.).

Michael. Michael was my first friend here. We've definitely had our ups and downs, but all in all, he's been a good friend. He lets me use his mom as a dog sitter, and he fixes my computer when I mess it up. He makes me go for runs even when I don't want to, even though I introduced him to running. He takes me out for Pho when I'm sick, and gets movies for me. Michael is a pain in my ass, but I'll miss him.

And Virginia. She's one of my absolute closest friends ever. She and Angela and I are like three peas in a pod. We're a gaggle of crazy geese. Virginia loves the world in a bright manner. She can be stressed, but underneath it all she always seems like she's doing just the very best she can. She tells me crazy stories and cracks me up. She's a hard worker, and an even better friend. And Virginia makes dessert all the time.

Angela and I are so different, but we have so much in common. She is one emotional lady, but that's what I love about her. She feels everything, and let's it out. She's not hiding anything. And her boyfriend is the best cook. He acts like he doesn't care, but he's the most protective father figure I've ever had. I think he might be the most upset one of all.

These are my people. These are the loves of my past 5 years. And I'll miss each one differently. And immensely.

Goodbye big city

I have a lot of stuff. Have you ever looked around your house and really thought about all the stuff you've accumulated over a lifetime?

When I moved here, I had a little four door car with some stuff in it. I had an oriental rug, some cast iron pans, three small boxes of books and clothes, a trunk, and some plants. Seriously. I left that morning, after saying a teary goodbye to Adam (and I swear I cried for two states), and set off into the sunset.

Now I'll be driving into the sun with a Penske full of stuff. I'm leaving with 39 boxes, a bed, a couch, a chair, some bookshelves, and more boxes of books. 7, to be exact. And a dog.

I've had a life, here. I had put down my roots and settled in for the time being. I knew one day I would move back, but who knew "one day" would come so soon?

I got my last look at the city skyline today. It really is beautiful. I always enjoy seeing it. And with the sun setting and the fog rolling in, it was even more beautiful. So goodbye, temporary home. It has been wonderful. I'll miss your people, your weather, your fascinating politics. But it's time to say goodbye. It's time to go home, for good.

Ah, to sleep, perchance to dream

I can't sleep. I know if I lie down I'll be tired, but I just can't make myself do it. All I want is a damn shower, but our water heaters are still without gas, and I'm too chicken for a cold shower. I just like to sit in the hot water and think. It's my thinking spot.

I'm nervous. Not about being home; that's going to be great. I miss all those people so much, and I can't wait to have a million dinner dates. I have friends all over the place, and now I have time to drive out to see them. I can go visit a lot of folks! See how 5 years has changed their lives, too. That, I'm excited about.

I'm nervous about leaving. Am I making the right decision? I can honestly say, yes. I think I am. But that doesn't make me less nervous about all of it.

And I'm still a little scared. The future is so unknown. Wow, just typing that. The future is so unknown. The world can be an unfair place at times (as just sung on the radio, weird), but it can also hand you all sorts of opportunities when you're not expecting them. Perhaps this is my big break? Perhaps this is just the turn I've been waiting for. It's all going to be ok.

It's Friday night and I'm no longer alone

So I have this tv show I watch with my girls every Friday night. It's been off for the summer, but it starts again next week. We got together tonight to watch the last of last season just to catch up. They made my favorite dinner, and we sat around and chatted about everyone's summer and my leaving.

Man, I'm going to miss those girls. They were hard to find, but I'm so grateful to have every one of them in my life. They are all such different people, but all so giving and loving. Not a bad bone in any of them.

It's good to have good people on your side. They are all sad, but that's understandable. I'm a big part of their lives, as they are and always will be of mine. We communicate via email a lot since I stopped working where they work (my previous, previous job), so it won't be too much of a shock not to see them everyday. But Fridays. Fridays were our nights to get together and review the week. To share secrets, and dreams, and hopes. To build our little community and spread love amongst us. I need that. I need the love of good women in my life. I'm going to do everything I can to keep in touch regularly, and keep them a part of my every day.

Depression creeps in

Ok, NOW I'm depressed. I slept all day today, except for a jont to Jiffy Lube to get my car tuned up. This is just amazing. I can't believe all this is happening.

Adam says to turn off the committee, and it doesn't matter what others think, but my committee is running rampant. This means I do shitty work, right? This is the second time I've been fired. That means I suck at this profession. I looked into grad school in another field that's close to this one, which would mean I'd be better prepared for something else. It means I would lose my unemployment (which they just approved), so I'm not sure about it yet. We'll see how much I have to rely on those checks.

I don't want this to get me down. I don't want him to win.

Life on life's terms

Oh, life, what wrenches you throw. There are a lot of platitudes out there, and I'm thankful for them, but they sure as hell don't help right now. I'm starting to feel a little depressed, but I think it's just situational, because some moments I'm just fine. Sometimes I feel good about all the things that are happening right now. It's a whole new world; an opportunity for anything. I could go back to school. I could get my graduate degree and start a whole new career.

I could change career paths. How amazing that would be. I was feeling disgruntled with my current path, anyway, so maybe this is my chance to change. It's frightening to think I would be unemployed for two years and incur all sorts of debt, but it might be a really good idea. I'll look into it.

Or I could travel some more. That would be a little irresponsible, considering I still have to make car and insurance payments, but I do have a little money. I could go back to Europe, or even to South America. I could spend a month backpacking across Chile and Argentina. I could do anything I want to do.

Everything is open to me right now. Let's see if I can take advantage of this opportunity.

Oh the places you'll go

I'm nervous and scared.

I don't like not having a stable income, or being able to support myself. I'm thirty-fucking-years old for crying out loud! I should be able to do it on my own. Instead, I'm unemployed and moving back in with my dad. I may get a retail job just to remain busy, as long as it doesn't interfere with my unemployment. If I get that.

I like change, I just like stable change. Everything was progressing so smoothly. I was having the best year of my life. Not that this is so horrible. This is just a bump in the road. God hands you lemons...blah, blah, blah. And I'm making the best of the situation. At least I have my family to move in with. Some people aren't that lucky. At least I have savings. At least, at least, at least.

But I'm still scared. Everything is happening so fast, of course, of my own making. It's all just going by quickly. One more day here in my apartment alone, and then I'm packed up and on the road. Two more days in the place I've called home for 5 years. It will always be here, but it will never be the same.

I hate to leave on a bad note, too. I hate to have one bad memory to leave on. I was hoping it would work out differently, but that's life. It doesn't do what you want.

So God is teaching me patience and perseverance. He's teaching me a lot of lessons this week, and I have a feeling he's not done yet. So we'll see where I end up. Hopefully it will be even better than before.

Little details

So, I mentioned the gas leak. Well, we've been without gas for two days, but now the stove is back on. But not the water heater. No shower for me! I'm going to be gross by Sunday night when we hit our first hotel. I'm also burping up Mexican because we didn't have stoves till about ten minutes ago, so I went out to eat. I knew I shouldn't have gone there, but it's a Mexican holiday, so I thought I'd be supportive. I know you wanted to know this.

The house is finally all packed. Even my plates and silverware are done. I just have one box with my contacts and other bathroom supplies that is still open so I can use everything.

I'm having everyone over on Saturday to load the truck, and I suppose feed them fast food since I will have a totally empty apartment. Pizza it is! On paper plates!

My therapist gave me license to call her anytime until I get a new one. She has been so wonderful. She gave me a picture of her therapy dog for my new fridge, whenever I get one.

My dream is to get the call for the job while on the road, and then rent an apartment from wherever I am. They have my application, they just need work information in order to rent to me. Once I have a job, I have an apartment. It would be great to pull up there instead of a storage place.

Cry me a river

I'm on my way to therapy, and I think I'm going to have a good cry. The more time I get to think about it, the more upset I am. Who would fire me? I didn't do anything wrong. I have a strong work ethic, and I take my job seriously. I don't understand any of it.

So I'm going to finally cry, me thinks.

Onwards ho

It hasn't really hit me yet that I'm moving home. And in with my dad. I love my dad, and that will be no problem, but I'm such a statistic now. "Adult moves back in with parents cause she can't support herself." What a loser I feel like! It does make the most sense, though. He was funny. He said, "It's not the first time you've moved back in with me." Ouch. I was 19 that time, so I think it was just fine. 11 years ago. I hope this doesn't make a pattern emerge. I don't want to be 40, unemployed, and living at home.

I'm kind of sad to leave this place. I have a lot of great, supportive friends who are helping me move even though they're really upset. I understand. It's all so sudden. I haven't given them a proper chance to say goodbye. But I hate goodbyes anyway. And I'll be back. I have to come back in November and December for stuff anyway (and get my tattoo finished!).

I'll miss the nice weather, even though I hate it. I miss snow and fireflies, crickets and thunderstorms. I'll get all of that now. But I will miss the eternal sunshine.

I can't believe I'm moving in three days. I better get this job!

It all makes sense

I'm awake and thinking about lots of things. They say not to change anything in the first year, and yet here I am, about to change everything. Or maybe, God is changing everything for me. He's given me a giant billboard that says, "Here's your opportunity." And so I'm taking it. I'm going to take this opportunity to reinvent myself. I can go back and be anyone I want, because I am someone different than when I left. I am a stronger person, now, and able to take change in stride.

I'm packing up my house in preparation and trying to figure out what else to do with my week. I need to get a few more boxes, and my friend Virginia suggested that I go sit with a cup of coffee at the bookstore tomorrow. I think that's a great idea. Just take it easy.

I'm still in a little shock about the job thing. I'm not quite sure what happened, and I'm trying to get in touch with HR for a good explanation. I've never been reprimanded for my performance, or anything like that. In fact, last week my boss said I was doing a good job! But he's volatile, and probably made a snap decision because he was mad over one thing or another. He's hard to get a read on. I'm a little mad (resentment!) over the whole thing. I hate that I'll have to mark it on any resume that asks if I've ever been fired. I wish I would have been given the option to resign.

But I kind of saw it coming once he became my boss. I had my resume prepared the week after he stepped in, cause I just knew something would go wrong. And I was prepared to move, anyway. It all seems to be making sense....

That's that

Well, I'm moving. As of the end of the week. I know, it's fast, but I was planning my move anyway, and I already had everything set up. I just needed to press send on some things, and so I have. Hopefully I'll get the new job! That would be perfect.

I'm moving in with my dad. It's better to pay $143 in storage than $850 in rent, especially since I'll have no income. So here we go!

Wow, that just happened

So I just got fired. My boss walked in and said, "This isn't working out. Go talk to HR." I have no idea what just happened.

And what's funny, is I have no inclination to drink. I didn't even think about it till Adam said to call my sponsor. My first thing was, how do I tell my dad. My second idea was to call my therapist and tell her I'm actually ok with it. I hated that damn job anyway. I'm kind of relieved. My boss was just such an egotistical ass.

So I'm doing fine. I think it's a sign that I should move home now. My dad said I can move in with him, and my mom can get me storage for $25 a month at her apartment complex. Plus, I get three weeks severance, so I'll be set for 2 months, at least. If I can get out of here before October, then I won't have to pay rent here. That'll save me more money. I can just get a truck and take my time cross-country. I can see the US!

It is strange to have nothing to do, though, so I'm packing up my place. I think I'm just going to order a truck and get on with moving.

Going deep

It's amazing to be sober. I know I keep saying this, but it's true. Everything is clearer and better.

I've been doing some work on myself lately, in and out of therapy and AA. In therapy we're starting to get to the deeper stuff that really bothers me, instead of just talking about my job and mom. We're getting to the heart of the matter. Talking about regrets and resentments, my personality, and things that need to change. We're digging deep.

Sometimes it's scary. There are some things in there I don't want to know. There's so much of my childhood missing that I'm afraid something happened. Maybe I'm just blocking out early signs of my mom being crazy. Maybe there's something more in there. I do remember my mom going after me with a wooden spoon, and I remember having to hide from her a lot, but I don't think she ever "beat" me. I know my dad is only guilty of being oblivious to everything that was going on. He's kind of naive. I'm a little resentful of that, too. He should have protected me, but I don't even know how he would have. He was blinded by love, me thinks.

So it's time to go to therapy in a couple of hours. I'm not sure what I have to say today, so I think it will be a meditation day. She does guided meditation and we look into my brain for the hidden stuff. Should be interesting. I'm in a pliable mood.

Stop the shop

Ok, the shopping has officially gotten a bit out of control. I mean, everything I order I actually need (most of the time) but I'm still buying a lot, and I've started to use my credit cards.

I bought a ring on Friday. It's cool - decorative silver which covers half my finger and a huge turquoise stone in it. I bought it to replace something special which I lost while drunk. Last year, we went to an all weekend wine tasting. $40 got you two days and 20 wineries to pick from. We rented 2 hotel rooms to share among the 8 of us, and carpooled around the area. I, of course, was the drunk driver. We got home to the hotel on the last night, and drank even more. I put my $150 real turquoise and silver ring from New Mexico on the nightstand (I think) and passed out. In the morning, I forgot to put them back on. The hotel says they never found them, and I really have no idea where they were. The ring was really special, and was an investment for my collection of turquoise from my grandma. So this is a replacement for my sobriety.

Next, I purchased more clothes from Ann Taylor. I really should be banned from that store. I can't get out of there without spending obscene amounts of money.

On Sunday after hockey I gave in and purchased my own gear. It was $600, but now I'll have gear that's not falling apart and actually fits me. And doesn't smell. Using communal gear that at least 5 years of other goalies have sweat in is disgusting, and always gives me acne.

Stop me from shopping!

Early to treat equals less problems

Here's something interesting from 2007:

"The Journal of Pediatrics shows that childhood-onset bipolar disorder is more common than believed and often goes unrecognized and untreated for long periods of time, leading to lower quality of life and greater difficulty in treatment."

The longer bipolar goes undiagnosed, the harder it is to treat, and the closer together the cycles get (rapid cycling). My mom has this problem. By all accounts she was probably bipolar from the start, but didn't get treatment until well into her fifties. She had heavier depressions and higher highs than me, and I was diagnosed and first treated at age 15. Because I was treated so early, I have less rapid cycling, and depressions and manias which aren't as "deep."

"The patients also had an increased risk of substance abuse, a greater lifetime risk of suicide attempts, higher prevalence of lifetime anxiety disorders, and greater resistance to treatment."

Now here's where we differ. I have higher rates of anxiety and substance abuse, but my mom is allergic to everything (including pot), so she never really had the opportunity to do drugs. I, on the other hand, loved them. And I think the anxiety is a condition inherited from my dad's side. She definitely has the resistance and more suicide attempts.

All in all, I'm more stable for having been treated early in my life, and will remain stable so long as I keep treating my disorder. My mom will have a harder time at it, but can still achieve a level of normalcy with the help of medications. Interesting.

Neurons misfire again

Stress hormones can make your brain misfunction. Well, not quite, but they can mimic the aging process.

"Brain glucocorticoid (stress hormones)concentrations increase and glucocorticoid receptor occupancy decreases during prolonged abstinence after withdrawal from alcohol."

So even after abstinence you can still have higher stress hormones, which effect your brain functioning. There's just so much alcohol does to your body.

I'm neurotic and so am I

A new study compared placebos to Paxil, and found that antidepressants really do change your personality.

"But only the patients who took parox­etine displayed personality changes in two key areas of the widely used five-factor model of personality: they scored lower on neuroti­cism, the tendency to experience negative emotions such as guilt and anxiety, and they scored higher on extroversion, which includes traits such as talkativeness and assertiveness."

We all feel that way. Like we've changed; we're not ourselves. Some people discontinue their drugs because they feel like they've changed too much. And now there's proof that you do change - but for the better.

Neuroticism "is an enduring tendency to experience negative emotional states." Isn't that what we want to get rid of? Isn't that the essence of depression that we would like to be free from? And antidepressants help rid us of that feeling.

So keep taking your meds. You're only changing for the better.

Rant

My dad likes to talk politics, and I tend to try to avoid the topic. He's a teapartier, which I have nothing against, since they don't deal with social issues, yet. They're just focusing on government, and they don't like democrats or republicans, so they can have their fight.

But now he's talking about the Virginia Attorney General who is talking about limiting the outpatient privileges of abortion clinics. He's trying to argue that they should be held to hospital standards, and I'm arguing that then so should dermatologists and proctologists. No one should do surgery in their office if an abortion clinic can't. If the attorney general gets this thing passed, it's rumored to close the majority of abortion clinics in Virginia.

I hate this. Abortion is something that should be an option, because sometimes you can't go on with a pregnancy. What about people who are too sick to give birth? How can you choose one life over another, or risk losing two? How can you still have the right to choose if you have no where to go? Sorry to get all political, but he's making me mad and I had to share somewhere.

Everything is better sober

It's amazing what you can do when you're not hungover.

Instead of standing out on the hockey field sweating out booze and having an incredibly slow reaction time, I was able to move around, stop balls, and basically not break a sweat in 10lbs of gear and standing in direct sun. I feel great! I had no idea how much my hangover was holding me back in everything I did.

I always told myself no drinking on Saturday nights so I would be ready for hockey, but that never happened. It was one of the nights I was able to limit myself, most of the time, but I could never go without a drink. And even if I ever did, my reaction time was still really slow.

I feel like I'm a better asset to the team, now. And a better asset to myself.

Normal is cool

"...mood reactions to daily events are similar between bipolar disorder patients who have achieved remission and mental healthy individuals."

Besides the addictions, like shopping, smoking, and diet Coke, my bipolar seems to be under control. Ever since I stopped drinking, and after the weird period where my meds got used to it, I've been pretty normal. Normal. I'm never sure what normal is, but apparently those of us in remission can feel normal emotions and not be having an episode.

It's ok to cry; it doesn't mean you're depressed. It's ok to be really happy; it doesn't mean you're manic. Normal emotions range from high to low, and everyone feels them. Just because you feel them, too, doesn't mean it's a product of mental illness. We just have to get used to "being restored to sanity." And it's ok. It's all going to be ok.

Hiding a bit of myself

I have to apologize to you, my readers. I am not being completely honest with you. There are some things I can't even write down on "paper." I know this is a safe place, but there are some things I just can't get myself to write.

A lot of it has to do with amends I need to make, or resentments I have that I'm not ready to share, or against people that read this blog. There are a few friends of mine that know about this blog, and I can't quite share yet. So I apologize for hiding a few things. I'm trying to be as honest as absolutely possible.

Don't run, walk

A friend of mine's last day at my Sunday meeting was today. She's moving to NYC to be closer to her support system. See, she's living in insanity. There's a lot of things in her life that are unbearable, and she needs the love and support that AA can't give her alone. She cried as she said goodbye, and thanked everyone for the love and support given her. She also admitted something: she's running away.

Am I trying to run away from here in order to go home? I know I'd like a fresh start, but I do like it here. I don't have any problems I'd be running from. I have great friends and an ok job. I have a place to live that I love (no matter how much anyone hates it), and my needs are met here.

So I would be running towards something. I would be running to the support of family, just like my friend, but it's been something I told myself I would do eventually, anyway. I gave myself 5 years here, and it will be 5 in January. So I've completed my mission: to grow, to give myself space from the insanity and learn how to thrive despite it. I ran away to come here, and now I'm going back to face my life and live it.

How do you organize your thoughts?

There was a neat thing on PostSecret this week about organizing your thoughts. The postcard said, "I love looking at people's garages because it shows how they organize their thoughts."

My garage is super clean in my part of it, with just things in tidy boxes, a tv, and a stationary bike. But my house is another matter. Everything is in it's place, but it's pretty dirty. I haven't done a deep clean since Adam was here in July. It's September. I need to vacuum, there are dishes in the sink, there's an eggplant waiting to go into compost, and dust is collecting on my books. I need to do laundry, too.

So what does that say about me? I'm organized but lazy? Maybe. I do organize my thoughts pretty well, using Excel, calendars, and more. But sometimes I'm lax about doing the regular things. I like to do the big things, the serious jumps that scare you, but the day to day bores me. Ah, patience again. I need to be where my feet are, and follow through on the everyday responsibilities no matter how boring they may seem.

We find magic everywhere

I was brought up Catholic, but I tried out paganism for a little while. I believe there is a spirit that exists everywhere and in everything, and I wanted to practice a belief closer to that thought.

I tried witchcraft. I learned how to read palms and tarot cards. I figured out spells and had all the materials, except a coven. I practiced in the second bedroom of my dad's apartment. One day, I tried out a simple communication with the world using candles and a chant. I felt so much power! I was shaking at the feeling rushing through me, and I thought, "This is too much to handle on my own. I need the company of others to help me through this." But I didn't want to be part of the "posers" I knew who were into witchcraft. They seemed to do it as a thing instead of truly believing in something. They just wanted to be identified as witches.

And so I went back to the comfort of Catholicism. After all, it was built on pagan traditions and myth. The rituals are a lot like those of paganism, only they believe in the trinity of God. There's a great Dar Williams song about christians and pagans, and a lyric I love is, "You find magic in your God and we find magic everywhere."

Lately I've been thinking about what my God looks like. I know I can rely on the "Him" that is of my childhood, but I still believe in fairies and power in the world that I can't explain. I know as a part of this sobriety I don't have to decide what the power greater than myself is, I just have to believe that there is one.

And so I believe in something. I don't know what it is yet, but I know it's there.

Patience is a virtue I don't possess yet

I love when you hear something great at a meeting. A gentleman was talking to me before the meeting and read me a passage out of the Quaran. He said, "Sometimes people and things are put in your path as a trial. You just need patience and to trust in Allah."

Ah, patience. I have been learning patience for the past few weeks. I know that there are a lot of things I'm waiting for, from the job to the trust of friends, and I know these things will all come in time: God's time, not mine. So these trials, these things "in my way" are put there to remind me of that. To remind me that patience is a virtue I need to learn.

Everything causes me anxiety

Another fun thing that causes me anxiety is hockey. No, not watching hockey, that's fun. Playing hockey.

Since high school I've played field hockey. I'm not that good, which is reason one for anxiety, but I love to play. It's fun standing out there on the field watching the ball and waiting for it to come to you. See, I'm the goalie. Another huge reason for anxiety. I'm the last defense against a goal. My league team is pretty good, and unfortunately I'm the weak link. Sure, I stop a lot of goals, but I'm not as good as the other goalies, and my gear is really old and falling apart. I have to duct tape it to myself to keep it on. And since I lost weight, the pants fall down all the time, and my helmet is too big. So I stand there trying to keep my gear on and out of my eyes while trying to keep the ball from the goal. It is really comical to watch, but scary sometimes to play.

And I think the captain hates me. She's naturally a little brisk, so it might not be me, but I'm so sensitive to any dislike on the field because I know I could be better. I've thought about getting training from another goalie, but I just don't have the time. It's an hour drive down there, and that's enough one time a week.

So I'm off to play hockey and make myself nervous for a few hours.

Therapy time!

We haven't had a good therapy session in a while, so here's some show tune therapy for your Saturday night!

Oklahoma - Surrey with the Fringe on Top

You really can't be sad with a good song, especially a show tune!

Like sands through the hourglass

I'm not sure if it's just money running through my fingers, or I'm just in need of a lot of stuff. I know I don't need any more shoes, though I just bought two more pair. I know I am out of hangers, but I just bought more clothes. Everything is really cute, was on sale, and is wearable to work and with other stuff I have. But man am I spending money like mad.

I also just spent $400 this morning to do more work on my tattoo, and I have two sessions left. That's a $1,400 tattoo, not including tips - and I overtip every time. I mean, the man is putting something permanent on me, I want him to be happy, too. He said he's going to add it to his book and website because he's so proud of it. That's pretty awesome.

So money is running through me like water. And my closet is full to prove it. And my back hurts. So at least I have something to show for my wastefulness.

I think I'm just nervous. If this job goes through that means I've got to get those last two sessions of tattoo done fast before I get out of dodge. Or come back. I don't want anyone else working on my tattoo but him. And if I'm moving home the dress code is WAY different. Here, it's really laid back. My boss wore sweats everyday. People show off their tattoos. At home, it's suits and high heels in the work place. None of this lazy, punk and blue hair stuff anymore. I even had pink hair this summer and no one cared. At home, that would never fly.

So updating my wardrobe is something I've been doing in order to go home. I needed some work pants and blazers instead of the cardigan I've been living in for 5 years. It's all necessary, if I'm moving.

If I'm not, at least I'll look nice while I'm moping around.