Just jump

Well, Adam and Roger are down with the will, so that's settled. I had a great breakfast with Roger this morning and he had some great advice on life in general.

"You don't give yourself enough credit. You've been through some shit, and I've never seen you fail. You always come out ahead. So, in the unemployment situation, you've got time to discover what you really want. What do you really want?"

I want to travel. I want to write. I wouldn't mind combining those two things and making something of it. He suggested I start a blog (ha ha) and write about where we live now as a travel blog for visitors. It is a highly touristed place, and there are all sorts of cool things that most people never learn about. And I'd be glad to experience them again to get a fresh perspective.

I'm going to the college Monday to talk to a professor about a program there. It's a program I've always wanted to study, but thought I could never do anything with. I think I'm beginning to see a future in it, all based on writing.

"The people who are the biggest successes take the biggest risks," said Roger. "I'm risk-averse, too, so I know you feel nervous doing something that's not a steady paycheck, but if it's something you love, you should do it!" I love him.

A little love

Smoke a dope

Waiting, waiting. Traffic sucks, apparently.

I think smoking makes me more anxious. I'm almost done with this pack and then I can quit again. Really, I could just throw then away, but what a waste of nicotine. I have a problem.

I'm seeing Adam tonight to watch our show, and so I'm going to have to take a shower beforehand. I'm sure we'll be cuddling - we always do - and he hates the smell of smoke. He hates that I smoke, I think. It's a nasty habit. It smells. I'm not smoking anymore. Three more, that's it.

Wakey wakey

It's nice that both my parents have insomnia. I hung out with my dad till 4, and now my mom is up. She's coming over to take me to breakfast. I'm going to talk to her some more about this will thing. It's complicated! I didn't realize how much until I started thinking about all my assets and passwords and stuff. If I'm supposed to plan it like my parents are both deceased, then who in the world gets my money? I'm not rich, by any sense of the word, but I'm not stupid with money. I have investments. And so far no children. Would I want it to go to charity? To family? If so, who or what?

This is best discussed over fried potatoes.

Write me in

What's too much to ask of a friend?

So, there's a long story, but basically my mom said I need to set up a will and power of attorney in case she and my dad are dead and I become incapacitated. It's a long stretch (knock on wood) but it could happen. There's some family money that I would need to have administered. She said, think of someone in your age group who you trust, would trust with your life and your money. There are only two people I can think of: my cousin Roger, and Adam.

My cousin has two small kids and I don't know if he would be willing to take on something like that. I would like to ask him, though. He's the most responsible adult I know, and he has a conscience that wouldn't let him do wrong even in the most tempting situations. I know he would be responsible and go by my wishes.

And then there's Adam. I trust him with my life, and I think if someone had to pull the plug on me he could do it (with a lot of hand wringing). He is my best friend, but what is too much to ask of a friend? That's a lot of responsibility. And he knows my family. He would have to deal with them around the money issue. I should just leave it all to him. That would be hilarious.

Anyway, I have to come up with something soon (she said). I want to talk to the family lawyer. I need to figure it all out, like who gets what of my grandparents in the event of my and my moms death. I mentioned writing a will to my dad and he started talking about all his books and what I should do if he dies. Ugh. I hope he never dies. One, because I love him, and two, because it would be a giant pain in the ass.

I hate death. But it's important to think of these things. I know Andrea is going to take the dog - she made that clear before - and Jennifer said she'd serve as dog backup. Hopefully I'll outlive that little bugger.

What to do

Damnit, it's 3:30 in the morning and I'm not going to get any sleep any time soon. And, I have cigarettes, but my insomniac dad is still up reading a book in the living room. No smoking for me. Damn.

I've been talking to Michael all night and the more I think about it the better it seems to go back to school. I mean, I love school. I love learning. I love reading. I love attending lectures. I really do. And I think the topic would hold my interest. Everything will just fall into place. I have to trust that.

Why's it so hard to just let go? Because I don't have the luxury my mom has of being taken care of. I would never just rely on my dad. I've been here 7 months and I feel awful about it. I want to pay rent, or something, but I'm too broke to bring it up. I feel like I have to move out after a year. Anything over a year is just pathetic. Ugh. Just thinking about that is making me sad. 7 months of living at home, basically doing nothing but traveling every now and again and hitting some meetings.

I got rid of my couch and moved everything into cheaper (free) storage at my moms apartment building. I think with the money I'm saving I can move out at the end of the summer. So I'll give myself till September. If I don't have a job by then, I'll get a room with some other folks. Let's go do the budget....

Learning

Was just talking to Michael and he had some good suggestions. "You were working in that field but you hated it. You're too smart to have to go to work and drag yourself in to do the least amount of effort. That's bullshit. Why don't you look into doing something you at least like and let the financial stuff come later."

I was really only working for the money. Not that I was making much, but I found a career path and stuck with it only because I was making money and had the potential to make more. I was just working to afford rent and plane tickets. But why not do something I like to do. What do I like to do? Well, I like to study. I like to write. There's a program that looks excellent at a university near here, but it would be putting myself in debt for no financial return. The program would just lead to... I don't really even know. But nothing big. Academia, more than likely.

I might just do it anyway. I emailed the lead professor to see if we can get together and talk about it. I would really have fun with the program, but I need some sort of job anyway. I suppose I could live off grants. Live in the graduate housing block on campus. Not so bad.

The big shitty part is I would have to take the GRE again. I sucked at it the first time, and that was 9 years ago. There's an algebra section, which I will surely fail miserably. I failed algebra 4 times in high school, barely making a C to pass finally. I am notoriously bad at math. I really don't want to take the test. But I suppose it's a necessary evil.

TEAM up for health

"A new form of CBT, known as TEAMS (Think Effectively About Mood Swings), is being developed .... It aims to improve on previous therapies by focusing on current problems, like depression, anxiety and irritability, and helping patients to set goals for their life as a whole.

The aim of this new approach is to encourage patients to accept and manage a range of normal emotions -- like joy, anger and fear -- and a controlled trial is about to start following a successful case series of the TEAMS approach."

Sounds dumb (Teams. Whatever.) but good at the same time. A new approach: think about your moods as something that happens, not something that controls you. Think about what joy or sadness is, and let it pass. Sounds pretty much what I try to do. I try to identify them and not let them control me.

CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy) really worked for me when I did it. It just teaches you to think differently; almost to not take everything so seriously. It's a nice prescription for how to go about life. You know, one day at a time, not taking everything so seriously. Sounds like AA, doesn't it?

They taunt me

I have to admit: I smoked some cigarettes lately. It's been since November 21 that I quit, but on Saturday I had about 3, and Tuesday I had 4. Unfortunately, someone left their half empty pack with me, and I've been staring at them for an hour now. See, earlier today when I went to a meeting I stood outside and smoked with some folks. And now, I want another one.

Nicotine is a lot like cocaine. "A single 15-minute exposure to nicotine caused a long-term increase in the excitability of neurons involved in reward." You get it in your system and that's it. You want more. So I've been watching for my dad to go to sleep, or at least go in his room, and here it is almost 2am and the man is still reading his book. I can't escape, or even go out on the porch. He's blocking the way. Damn it.

I promised Jennifer I would not buy another pack once this one is gone. And I won't. No matter how much I miss smoking, I don't want to go back to it while I'm living at home. Ahh, you catch that? That was me giving myself permission to smoke again one day. Bad. I've got to watch that. "Smoking is bad," says Jennifer, who can't seem to quit either.

Now we're cooking with gas

I've been reading old posts on Adam and I remembered the crap that went down in January, how I felt so awful (because of depression and because he told me he just wanted to be friends). I think at the time I was in such a bad place that I almost didn't care. I wasn't prepared to be living my life at all, and so wasn't looking for a relationship.

So what's changed? I'm still not looking for a relationship, but I'm open to one. I wasn't before. None of this changes the fact that he still just wants to be friends. Sigh.

In some of the posts I really should have seen where depression was taking me. I was leaving the house sometimes, sure, but I was a real mess. I knew it was bad, but I swear the Abilify is a God send. Without it I just can't seem to function at all. And what's scary is I'm almost out. I went back to the doc and the only free ones he had were 2mg instead of 15mg. I took a bunch of them today to add up to 14mg, but I may just start taking 4mg to spread it out until he gets the BMS rep back in there with more. I don't know what I'm going to do long-term. I'm trying to get on the patient assistance program, but I'm having printer issues. I need to just suck it up and go to the library to print this stuff out. I need to send it in ASAP. I just can't be without the Abilify.

Delirious

So I've been thinking about Adam again. We hung out the other night with all of our old friends and it was so great to see him having fun. It took a while for him to relax into the situation, but I think once he realized no one was judging him, he was ok. It was good to have everyone out together. It was so much like old times that I had the compulsion to make out with him.

Not like I don't have that compulsion all the time, anyway. Yep, it's been years now and I still can't seem to shake these feelings I have for him. I was able to "get over it" for a little bit, but every time we hang out I just want to yell, "Love me!" Of course there's stuff about him I don't like, and I hate his bedroom furniture, but that doesn't keep me from wanting to be with him. Do I want to date him? Kind of, yeah. Wait. Yes. I do. I want to be with him. I love him.

So, my options. Run away, which sounds wonderful and like the solution to all my problems; discuss it with him AGAIN, which sounds like slow, painful rejection; or tough it out. I have been applying to jobs all over the country, but there's this part of me that keeps saying, "But if you stay here, maybe it will happen...." But I can't live on that dream. He's said no, so I need to assume he means it. Which means I'm down to run away or tough it out.

I suppose it all depends on where I get a job. My whole life is dependent on jobs right now. Blah. I hate loving him so much.

A summer ramble

I suppose my brain has been like this blog; off and on for months now. I keep falling into these depressions or just wormholes and then coming back out even better on the other side.

Still no job, and no more interviews, but I'm reaching out to fields I hadn't considered before. I'm going up north to help out my cousin in a couple of weeks for the summer, and I think I'm just going to put off job hunting till I get back in August. August. Wow. In September it will have been a year since I lost my job and moved home. What an incredible year it's been; full of ups and downs.

Speaking of years, on May 27th I'll have a year sober. Only 20 more days. It's just a miracle to me that I got sober when I did. If I had had to face this year drunk I would be dead, I know it. But one day at a time, one decision at a time, I've made it this far, still alive, still sober. I can't wait to collect my one year chip. I'm going to have to frame it, I think.

I went to a meeting tonight that was dual diagnosis (mental illness and addiction) which was pretty interesting. One guy had 10 years and said it really was all just one day at a time. It was changing his attitude to be calmer about things and to turn elsewhere in times of trouble, somewhere other than the bottle.

I like meetings. I do. I think AA is entertaining at least, and can be fun. I meet some good folks most of the time, but I've just had so many off-putting experiences here. Back where I used to live was just so much more... comfortable. I'm going to try AA up north this summer and see if the meetings are good. There are 2 meetings a week in the small town I'm going to. Maybe my cousin would even go with me. I don't want to push her, but I'm sure being in AA will be good for her. Or at least Al-Anon.