Friday, Friday, what to do with you

On my way home from a meeting I passed by a bistro. In the window sat a man, book in hand, having a glass of red wine. Nostalgia hit me: that's what my Friday nights looked like. Me, a book, and a glass of wine.

I just recently came back from some time abroad, and spent the whole time drinking. I would have a bottle at home alone and then go out to dinner and have a few more glasses, or when I was in Austria it was beer. They have great wines in France, even in the liquor stores. Everything was tasty, but my loneliness followed. I sat in my apartment and made desperate phone calls to my parents just to get some human contact.

I do that a lot here in my apartment. I talk to my parents just to get some human contact on a Friday night. I used to drink while doing it, but I always felt uncomfortable reaching out to anyone but them. I knew they were up, and they loved hearing from me. No matter how I'll complain, my parents make good friends.

So now I'm sitting here in my house on a Friday night wondering what to do with myself. I feel like if I go out somewhere I'll be tempted to be that man in the window. I won't want to sit there with a diet Coke, I'll want that glass of wine. But I don't want to drink - I just miss that experience. I miss pretending to be a "grown up" and "looking cool."

What do sober people do on Friday nights after meetings are over and they have nothing left to do? Read, maybe. Call their sponsor. But I just saw her at the meeting and I know she's going home.

I feel like crying. I'm so damn lonely sometimes. I feel like there's no one, when I know there really are people out there. I know I could call someone, but I'm so afraid of reaching out. I worry that people are annoyed or have their own lives and don't need me. Like John said tonight, it's a pity party and I'm the host.