Damsels in distress

Interesting article on the portrayal of crazy in women on the big screen. Asked why male audiences might be drawn to "crazy chicks," the quote was, “I think it has to do with the Sir Lancelot feeling. Men might be more attracted to someone who has a degree of helplessness: being crazy is being helpless.”



Ah, yes, weak and helpless. I hate that description. Granted, that's sure how I feel when I'm depressed: weak and useless, like I can't even raise my body out of bed. So yes, there's some grain of truth in it, but I don't have to like being seen as helpless. There are plenty of things I can and actually do do for myself, even when I'm depressed. I am never helpless, I am just sometimes useless.

What's the difference? I think helpless is not being able to fend for yourself, and useless is the act of not doing anything for yourself. I'm perfectly capable, I'm just not going to do it because I'm depressed.

Do you like being rescued? I used to rescue my mom all the time from stuff, and Adam would tag along. I remember the first time he came and helped out. My mom went missing and I had to call the police and file a report. He and my roommate Calvin decided they would stay with me. I told them to go - again, I was perfectly capable of handling the situation - but he told me no. He wanted to be there with me. I really appreciated the support. I had never had anyone help me before. From then on, he was there for a lot of the mess. I let myself become dependent on his help. I let myself become a damsel in distress.

I wonder if that was part of the draw for him. Maybe that's where he's going with this detached love bit. He's trying not to get involved and rescue me. Huh. Interesting thought.

I totally lost the thread of this post, now that I'm thinking about Adam, so you'll just have to come to your own conclusions.

I wanna be Bob Dylan

It's all in my head, I know. The "committee" telling me I suck in this business, and I'm just a horrible loser for living at home with my dad and being unemployed. The little voice that tells me it's easier to find a job when you have a job; that no one hires the unemployed. It's all in my head. My resume has found me 8 interviews, so someone out there is bound to want me eventually. Will I want them? Will I be desperate enough to just accept something? I feel desperate now. I just want to be working, I think. Or, I just want money coming in. "How does it feel to want?" says Adam. It feels shitty. I feel like shit.

I ran out of cigarettes tonight and went to a sober open mic with Adam. It was fun and I saw my friend Erin, who is speaking tomorrow at a meeting. I'm going to go hang out with her and get some gossip. Should be interesting. She's got so much going on, and it's nice to focus on someone elses troubles for a while.

Adam and I sat in the car and talked for a while after he drove me home. We talked about the committee, and how we feel about each other. "I don't know how I feel," he said. "I don't know how I'll feel in 6 months, either." Truth is, I don't know how I feel right now. I have so much going on in my life that I can't even imagine being in a relationship right now. And do I really want him like that? Do I even want to be in a relationship with him, or is the relationship we have just fine?

Sometimes I think I like it like this. I could be a bitch and say it's cause I can do better: I usually date guys with 6 packs and who are tall and blonde. He's none of those (well, he's taller than me), and some people find him obnoxious, but I don't. There's a good heart in there that's attractive to me. He's a good man. It doesn't matter what he looks like on the outside, or how many degrees he's got.

But I could find someone else, I know I could. I have in the past. It's not hard. I'm an attractive, fun person to be with. I give in relationships, and no longer let people just take. It's got to be even. And I generally don't take people's shit. I think I'm good in relationships. I have close friendships with all my ex's.

So why do I think I need him? Do I? No. I don't need him in order to be happy. I just like being around him. Does that mean it's love? Maybe not.

All you have to change is everything

In the rooms they say all you have to change is everything about your life. I get that. You have to have a life built out of recovery and not just keep on living the way you were. That's not progress, and this program is about progress.

But it bothers me that people think recovery comes before people. Shouldn't your wife and kids be more important than AA? Shouldn't you make more time for them than for a meeting? And then I read this and understood:

"For me, recovery has to come in first place, ahead of wife, kids, job, and other relationships that I treasure. Part of this decision is practical. If I put recovery in second (or lower) place, I will eventually lose my recovery, as well as whatever it was I put in first place. Hazelden wouldn't allow me to work with patients if I relapsed. My wife isn't willing to stick with me through an alcoholic death spiral, the way she did with her first husband. My daughters wouldn't want a melancholy, drunk granddad for their children"

No one wants a drunk around, especially those who have already seen your bottom and don't ever want to see you go there again. Recovery is the only way you have relationships with the people in your life, therefore your recovery is the most important thing.

I think that's going to be hard for me, because I always put people first, but I've got to start putting my recovery in first place. I need to make time to do my step work and read my books instead of agreeing to spend an entire Saturday at a bbq. That may mean waking up earlier and hitting the 6:30 meeting, but so be it. Meetings should be the most important appointment in my early sobriety.

Sex and candy

Oh, sex. How I miss you so.

One of those things I did to take away my feelings of loneliness, and to punish myself for being a fuck-up, was to have sex with people I wouldn't have had I been sober. Well, that's not true. A lot of those times I was manic as well. See, mania also takes away your inhibitions and gives you a wild sexual energy.

I was talking to Adam when he was here, and I realized something: I've never had sober sex before. My first time, I was high on pot. I did a lot of drugs in every relationship I had in high school, and slept with my best friend (even though I didn't want to), because he was my dealer, too. That happened a lot in high school. Remember, my policy was never to pay for drugs, so I got into relationships with dealers.

During and after college, I only slept with other alcoholics. I hung out at bars and picked up drunk one night stands. I got into a few relationships and even moved in with alcoholics. I've never had sober sex. Not that I can remember.

Towards the end of my drinking, I was blacking out during sex, and was always sure that I had passed out. I asked my ex the other day, and he said no, I never passed out, I was still doing it. Awesome. I've had blackout sex, too.

So now (well, next year), I'll be able to see if I can do it. I've been told I'm good in bed, but I'm sure that had something to do with how drunk I was. I'm not sure I'm any good if I'm feeling nervous. Hopefully it will be a safe place with someone I love. Where I can mess up and laugh at myself.

Love is dangerous

"It seems that love is comparable to a drug addiction: It activates the parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings, according to new research from Stony Brook University.

Researchers were able to show a connection between romantic rejection and a cocaine craving..." Thanks to Bill, What...Me Sober?

No wonder you shouldn't be in a relationship for a year. I mean, I know love makes you obsessive and breakups make you horribly depressed, but there is actually a chemical reason for it. Those AA'ers are smart.