You're so fucking sober!

Adam likes to say this a lot when he does something that's super plan related. "I went to a meeting, hung out with other alcoholics, and read the big book," he'll say, "I'm so fucking sober!"

Well, looks like I'm getting there, too. Today I read As Bill Sees It, twice, Daily Reflections, and went to a meeting. I talked to other alcoholics and will email my sponsor in a minute. Wow. This plan really sucks you in!

I know people call it a cult, but it's super helpful. They don't ask you to do anything; the steps are but a suggestion. The whole program is a suggestion. It seems to work best when you do what they say, but you sure don't have to. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. The only thing you HAVE to do is not drink. Meetings, readings, and other people are only the icing on the cake. They're what helps me stay sober, at least.

But I still have urges, sometimes. I promised myself if I went to a meeting I could get frozen yogurt (I wanted to take a nap instead), so I left the house with my ATM card, which I normally just leave with a buck. I have to walk past two bars to get to the meeting, and each time I passed I thought, "I'll just go in and order a beer and stare at it. I won't drink it." But I know that's my disease talking. It wants to take back over. It's sick of this spiritual shit, this not drinking "experiment." It wants to drink with the rest of the people! It just wants us to be "normal" again.

But I was never normal. Normal kids don't start drinking so young. Normal kids don't drink to excess and black out in their 30s. You should know better by now, right? Smart kids don't drink and drive. So I'm going to be a smart kid from now on. I'm on the straight and narrow. I haven't taken a drink today, and for that, I'm grateful.

Sex and candy

Oh, sex. How I miss you so.

One of those things I did to take away my feelings of loneliness, and to punish myself for being a fuck-up, was to have sex with people I wouldn't have had I been sober. Well, that's not true. A lot of those times I was manic as well. See, mania also takes away your inhibitions and gives you a wild sexual energy.

I was talking to Adam when he was here, and I realized something: I've never had sober sex before. My first time, I was high on pot. I did a lot of drugs in every relationship I had in high school, and slept with my best friend (even though I didn't want to), because he was my dealer, too. That happened a lot in high school. Remember, my policy was never to pay for drugs, so I got into relationships with dealers.

During and after college, I only slept with other alcoholics. I hung out at bars and picked up drunk one night stands. I got into a few relationships and even moved in with alcoholics. I've never had sober sex. Not that I can remember.

Towards the end of my drinking, I was blacking out during sex, and was always sure that I had passed out. I asked my ex the other day, and he said no, I never passed out, I was still doing it. Awesome. I've had blackout sex, too.

So now (well, next year), I'll be able to see if I can do it. I've been told I'm good in bed, but I'm sure that had something to do with how drunk I was. I'm not sure I'm any good if I'm feeling nervous. Hopefully it will be a safe place with someone I love. Where I can mess up and laugh at myself.

Sobriety calculator

Now I'm trolling the internet. Jesus, my life is boring. At least I have you people to complain to. Silent folks. I know you're there....

Check out this link: http://www.aahistory.com/days.html

It tells you how many days, hours, etc you've been sober, how many heartbeats you've had since then, and can tell you what day of the week you got sober. How cool!

I got sober on a Thursday, before Memorial Day weekend. I remember going to work that day, hungover, but feeling lighter than I had in years. I had made the decision to turn my life and will over to the care of Alcoholics Anonymous. I knew then that I was done getting wasted, blacking out, sleeping with random strangers, and waking up in places people shouldn't sleep. Sure, everyone has their fun drinking tales, and it sure seems like fun, but when you look back all you see is danger and stupidity. It's really not fun to black out. Honestly. You never know what you've done or said.

Thursday. I sat at work and looked up everything I could about AA. I found my local meeting group and noticed there was a noon meeting right around the corner from me. By this time it was one pm (I remember clearly) and so I promised myself I would go the next day. I sat at work reading all I could, and found the 12&12 and the Big Book online. I started with step one: I was powerless. I could no longer manage my own life. I needed help.

And now I have the fellowship of other drunks. People who know what I've been through, cause they've been there too. People who are struggling just as much as me, and using meetings and AA as their salvation. I need it now. I suppose addictive personalities need something to be addicted to. I'm glad it's sobriety.

The little dude

I heard a speaker last night who had the best description of a blackout state:

In your head, there's a little forklift driver who delivers memories from the short term to the long term. When you get drunk, so does the little guy.

My little guy has spent a lot of time sleeping on the job. He's been sitting there, drunk and snoozing, letting my memories of today and yesterday fade. I suppose it's good when you don't want to remember some things. Like when your life is fucked up and all you want to do is escape. That's what I used booze for in the beginning. It just seemed like the only thing that would work.

Now that I have to feel my feelings, my little dude is working overtime. I can remember what I had for breakfast. I know who I ran into the other day. I remembered what the speaker said. They say as you work on your steps, things start to come back to you. Sometimes I can't wait to remember things, and other times, I know those blackouts were brought on for a reason. There's stuff in my head I just don't want to know is there. Well I'm going to find out pretty soon, I think.

Drive little man, drive.