Relapse is for the birds

I worry about relapsing all the time. I have those booze dreams, and they make me worried that maybe alcohol isn't done with me yet. Maybe I have to have some bad consequences before I do this. Maybe I need everyone to see just how much of a fuckup I was before I quit. I don't think anyone believes me that I am an alcoholic. I know, that's silly, but I really don't think they do.

So what qualifies me? Well, the blackouts, the drunk driving, drinking alone, bringing home random guys from bars. Right? Or is this just normal in-your-20s behavior? I suppose none of that is good, but I don't know anyone who did any different, besides the blackouts and the drinking alone.

I worry about relapse. I worry that suddenly I'll just say, "You know, it wasn't that bad." That's why I need this blog. I need to remind myself that it's not worth it to drink. If just on the bare bones level of my meds working better now. It's truly amazing how less depressed I am without booze.

Post Secret

This is so incredibly true, I think. It's painful to get fired. It really deals a big blow to your ego. Thanks Post Secret.

Halloweeny is a great word

I think he's stopped reading this, so here I go.

Tonight was spent doing Halloweeny things with great friends. Adam and I went over to some old friends' house to carve pumpkins and hang about eating bacon flavored popcorn and cupcakes, not bacon flavored. They haven't been hanging out with Adam since he got sober because I think they're afraid to have booze around him. She emailed me ahead of time to see if it was ok with he and I if they had booze at the party. So funny. I told her we love alcohol, so there was no problem there. We carved away and I came out with an avant garde looking reindeer on my pumpkin. Unfortunately, they used to have a cat, which caught up with Adam after a while.

Instead of hitting the haunted forest, we went back to his place so he could take some drugs and get over the catness in his chest. We watched Dexter, and then took a nap. A four hour nap. It's nice to cuddle up to him, or even just be in the same bed. I love the way he smells. I love to be in his arms, even just to hear him sleep. I am so in love with him it's ridiculous.

There's a Joan Jett song, "I hate myself for loving you." I feel like that all the time. I don't know how he feels about me, and that drives me crazy sometimes. What also drives me nuts is this "suggestion" about no relationships for a year. We've known each other 11 years for heaven's sake! It would seem to override any crazy suggestion. But I suppose that's part of teaching me patience. I just have to be patient with him, too, and see how he feels in 7 months, and how I feel, too.

Back to my former home

I've made so many plans for when I'm going back to the west coast in a week. I'm meeting up with lots of folks and getting my tattoo finished. It should be nice to see everyone again.

My friend Jennifer is moving to Louisiana to be closer to her parents and go back to school, so it may be a long time before I see her again. I'm hoping once she's done with school she'll move here because this is where the jobs she'll be qualified for are.

Michael and I are running a half marathon that I'm totally not ready for. I think I hurt my knee the other day, and my foot still isn't right from the injury earlier in the year. We'll see how it goes!

Boo!

Tonight I'm going to a haunted forest with Adam. I'm excited! It's supposed to be pee your pants scary, and I love scary stuff like that. Our show is all about scary stuff, and I love it. Last night the show was about vampires, and I'm sure there will be some tonight.

I'm also excited to spend a little time with Adam. I really enjoy spending time with him, and he makes me feel safe, so it'll be great to go somewhere scary with him.

His will for us

Just went to a fantastic meeting with a good friend. She was so funny. "I wanted to point out across the room: gay, gay, gay, I don't know, gay." She was trying to make me feel more at home from where I came from, even though I'm not gay.

The women talked about the second part of the 11th step, praying only for His will for us and the power to carry that out. I keep praying for His will for me. I am trying to practice patience again, and just wait to see what God has planned for me, instead of using my ego and forcing my will on everything.

A lot of women talked about how they've had trouble lately with work and letting go. A lot of people were also unemployed or had other issues going on in their lives. It's kind of nice sometimes to know I'm not alone in this.

So God's will. What is His will? Obviously it's for me to have interviews, but we'll see which one turns out. Should I take the first one offered to me as a sign of His will, or should I wait for the one I want? I hope His will is for me to get a good job I like, that I can stay in for a couple of years.

Kay Redfield Jamison

If you haven't read Kay's Unquiet Mind, you need to. It's the quintessential book on bipolar disorder and how to live your life with the help of therapy and medication. Beyond Blue had a great article today with a quote from Kay's book.

I wanted to share it with you:

At this point in my existence, I cannot imagine leading a normal life without both taking lithium and having had the benefits of psychotherapy. Lithium prevents my seductive but disastrous highs, diminishes my depressions, clears out the wool and webbing from my disordered thinking, slows me down, gentles me out, keeps me from ruining my career and relationships, keeps me out of a hospital, alive, and makes psychotherapy possible. But, ineffably, psychotherapy heals. It makes some sense of the confusion, reins in the terrifying thoughts and feelings, returns some control and hope and possibility of learning from it all. Pills cannot, do not, ease one back into reality; they only bring one back headlong, careening, and faster than can be endured at times. Psychotherapy is a sanctuary; it is a battleground; it is a place I have been psychotic, neurotic, elated, confused, and despairing beyond belief. But, always, it is where I have believed--or have learned to believe--that I might someday be able to contend with all of this.

No pill can help me deal with the problem of not wanting to take pills; likewise, no amount of psychotherapy alone can prevent my manias and depressions. I need both. It is an odd thing, owing life to pills, one's own quirks and tenacities, and this unique, strange, and ultimately profound relationship called psychotherapy.