Now we're cooking with gas

I've been reading old posts on Adam and I remembered the crap that went down in January, how I felt so awful (because of depression and because he told me he just wanted to be friends). I think at the time I was in such a bad place that I almost didn't care. I wasn't prepared to be living my life at all, and so wasn't looking for a relationship.

So what's changed? I'm still not looking for a relationship, but I'm open to one. I wasn't before. None of this changes the fact that he still just wants to be friends. Sigh.

In some of the posts I really should have seen where depression was taking me. I was leaving the house sometimes, sure, but I was a real mess. I knew it was bad, but I swear the Abilify is a God send. Without it I just can't seem to function at all. And what's scary is I'm almost out. I went back to the doc and the only free ones he had were 2mg instead of 15mg. I took a bunch of them today to add up to 14mg, but I may just start taking 4mg to spread it out until he gets the BMS rep back in there with more. I don't know what I'm going to do long-term. I'm trying to get on the patient assistance program, but I'm having printer issues. I need to just suck it up and go to the library to print this stuff out. I need to send it in ASAP. I just can't be without the Abilify.

Down in the dumps

Made it out of bed by 2 and out of the house to watch the elephants and circus parade into town with the 2 year-old nephew. It was a short parade, but he was really excited about it. Then off to therapy. "It sounds like general apathy," she said. "Let's call the doc. Maybe we can get you on some different meds." Yes. Perhaps it's time. I just feel - blah. I don't care about anything. Nothing is giving me pleasure. There's no reason to get up out of bed or get dressed. I just feel ick. And it's gorgeous outside; everything is blooming and the sun is out. And I don't care. I'd rather be asleep.

I called the doc on the way home and left a rambling message. "I think I feel worse. I can't get out of bed. Here's my number." I don't know if it made any sense or if she'll even know who's calling. I hope I don't have to go in again, cause it's $85 every time. I'm sick of spending all my money on face time with the doctor and nothing is coming from it. "You were such a bright spirit in October, so full of life," said Julie. And look what's happened? Now I've lost interest in everything. I'm only writing this blog post so you don't think I'm dead. I can't even be bothered to read the news and find interesting links for you. Jesus, I bore even me.

So let's hope the doc comes through with some med changes. Something that works. Apparently Celexa does not.

The rest of the day

My dad came in at 8 and told me I had to get up. "Why are you still in bed?" Well, "I'm depressed and there's nothing to do." But he made me get up. Tomorrow he's making me go out into the world to see the circus parade into town. I am against circuses for a lot of reasons (scary clowns are the least of their worries) but I suppose I have no choice. He's made it so I have to help my cousin with her 2 little kids. I do not have the energy for little kids. I'll take the newborn.

I have done jack since I got up. Well, that's not true. I booked a flight out to the other coast for a wedding in June, complete with hotel and car rental. When I lived out there I flew back here 8 times in one year for weddings and stuff. Now, I've got 4 trips booked back there. I should just move to the middle and save on airfare. Though I do love to travel. I have a flight booked every month till June. Will be good to get out of the house and do other things.

I don't know if it's just my life is getting to me or the meds aren't working. I don't know if I should call the doc or not. I mean, my life sucks and has no structure, so it's easy to be depressed. I don't have to get out of my pjs if I don't feel like it. And I don't. I hate feeling this way. I need something to do with myself. Like a damn job.

Sleep is my friend

I can't even get out of bed. My mouse on my computer stopped working (it's built in) and so I'm having issues using the computer. It's just one button, but it's amazing how often you rely on the buttons for things. Michael just built this computer for me a few months ago, so it's frustrating that already something isn't working.

So I don't even want to play on the computer because it annoys me. I don't see the point in getting dressed, either. I don't have to leave the house till 5pm tomorrow for therapy, so why get dressed? Why dirty some clothes? Reminds me, I need to do laundry. Ugh. I don't feel like it.

I think I'm going to go back to bed.

Job-less

Looks like no job this week. The place down here just called to say there's a delay because of something going on there, paperwork and politics. And the place up north told me earlier that they still have to interview more people, which is a soft "no." So that means I'm basically unemployed through April. Even if I heard from the people here next week, I wouldn't start till mid-April, probably. Which means at least another 2 months of living at home.

I'm starting to get really depressed.

I just feel worthless, and useless, and pathetic. I can't seem to do anything with myself. I'm just... here.

I have interviews next week to prepare for, but I don't have the energy. And I don't care. I'm going away this weekend down south for a benefit for a place my friend Sam works, which should be nice. He's very entertaining and wants to go to the museum, too. I've never been down there, so a new city would be nice for the weekend.

Next weekend I'm flying out to the other coast to run the marathon of doom (cause I'm not prepared) and get the rest of my tattoo done. I'm starting to not even care about that, which is bad. I'm excited, really. It'll be really cool. I've always wanted a sleeve tattoo.

I give up. I'm going back to bed.

My girl likes to sleep all the time

Well, now I think we've made the switch from insomnia to over-somnia. I just want to go back to sleep. I went to bed at 10:30 last night and didn't get up and get dressed till 1pm this afternoon. So I've been up an hour and a half and already all I want to do is go back to bed. I just don't have anything to do with myself, so what's the point? I'm just sitting here watching Facebook and Twitter.

I need to find something to do. My dad has the car, so there's no going out far, but I could go into the city and just wander. I could go to a museum. I could... none of this sounds appealing. Sleep sounds awesome. I'm not even interested in finishing my coffee, which is unheard of. I hate depression.

And to make it worse, I have 2 more interviews next week. None of which I really care about, because I just don't care anymore. And I haven't heard back from the people who promised to call this week. It's Friday, for crying out loud. At 2:30. They're not going to call. I need to stop relying on these people for my happiness. I need to find something else to do. "Live, don't just exist." says my aunt.

Depression smells like feet

Well, I finally went to sleep and then got up at 9. So that's 5 hours of sleep. At least it's something. I made it out of the house today to do some errands - I really needed face cream. I hate when my face is dry and tight. I can't stand it. It feels all greasy right now since I haven't had a shower. I also need to eat something. I've had a banana, a Fiber One bar, and some coffee. But I'm just not in the mood to eat. Of course, I have a headache. From lack of sleep, food, or whatever, but I do.

It's only 2pm and I've run out of things to do with myself. I did my errands, I checked my email. Maybe I can go to bed. I sleep better during the day, anyway. I should really go back out and see my mom and my dog. I miss the dog. He was always so comforting when I was depressed. That little dog can cheer anyone up. He's so loving and sweet.

Maybe I should get roommates when I move out. I'll just get rid of my couch, which is fine. I love the couch, but it is uncomfortable. I don't know if I should live alone. I like living alone, but it's probably bad for me. Easier to just sequester myself in the house and not leave for days.

Now I'm just rambling.

What is it?

Oh, don't worry, I'm still awake. I have no idea how many nights this is, but I've got to get my sleep back to normal soon. I'm not getting anything done during the day because I don't go to bed till 6, and then I lie there from 10 to 2 staring at the ceiling refusing to get out of bed. So I waste my entire day, and then I'm up at night.

This is getting ridiculous. If I didn't feel like such shit I would think I'm getting manic. I want to buy plane tickets and other stuff. I want to shop. I keep coming up with all these excuses to shop, but I'm not awake when the stores are open. And I promised no online shopping during Lent. So I'm just sitting here reading crap online and trying not to think so much. I'm trying to space out.

And now I have a huge headache. Perhaps the best thing to do is to just lie down in the dark and wait. Sitting here at the computer isn't doing me any favors.

Travel the depression away

I just feel like curling up into a ball and hiding under my covers. Not that I could sleep, or anything, but I just don't want to be awake anymore. I haven't brushed my teeth in days, and I haven't taken a shower today. That's really weird for me. I take a shower even on my darkest days. Perhaps the Celexa isn't working at all. Maybe I should take the emergency Abilify? I only have a months worth, so I don't want to waste it if this is just situational. I'll wait it out a few more days and see if it gets debilitating.

At least my nails are pretty. They still look nice from when I got them done last week for my birthday. I can't believe it's only been a week. It's been a long week of no sleep and waiting for things to happen. Instead, absolutely nothing has happened and I'm still waiting. Fuck, this is frustrating! My whole body is a ball of tense stress. I can feel my back out of whack and my shoulders are up to my ears.

Maybe I should go get a massage. That would make my body feel better. But what will make me feel better, besides a job? And would a job even help anymore? I feel so nervous about working, now. I've been out of work so long that maybe I forgot how to work? How to use Outlook and Excel and the like? Maybe I'm getting dumber by the minute?

What I really need to do is go renew my passport and then take a trip. Perhaps I can take a trip anyway, but just go visit my friends in the middle of the country. I have a friend in Kansas I should see, and Jennifer just moved, too. I could go visit them. I'm going next Friday back to where I used to live to run that marathon that I'm not prepared for. Should be interesting to hang out there. Everything has changed. Michael is dating, Jennifer moved far away, and Andrea lives a few towns over, now. It will be different. But I get to get a new tattoo!! That should cheer me up.

It's sleepy time

Here I am again, with nothing to do and no one to talk to except this blog. It's midnight and I'm hoping to get to sleep sometime soon - like within the half hour. What would help is if I turned off the computer, but I keep staring at it like it's going to get up and do a jig. Instead, the web just looks back at me and waits for my input.

Julie was telling me I need to get some sleep habits. "Like drink chamomile tea and write for a little while before bed. Or read something, but put down the technology." Fine, whatever. But I can't keep my attention on reading anything. I've got stacks of magazines just piled up waiting for me to get over my depression. I don't think I've read one since before Christmas. And a book? Wow. It's been since September that I've read a book.

Unemployment and depression just kill your ability to take part in things you love. So I just forcefully signed myself up to go over to Diane's tomorrow night. It will be good for me to get out of the house, even if she's not the most mentally healthy person to hang out with. At least I'll be with someone else and not alone in front of the computer.

So I'm going to try it - just lie down and see what happens. Hopefully I'll be asleep soon and not back in an hour to write another post on how I can't sleep.

I'm in: Stop Self Hate

There's a lovely lady on Twitter (VoiceinRecovery) who decided to start a new campaign to stop self hate. "Because I am ready. I want to prevent eating disorders, self hate, self harm, and radically work towards self love, respect," she says.

And how do you stop self hate? Well, it's the little things. It's all about the self care things you do everyday like eating right, but not obsessing over it. Exercising, but not too much. Everything in moderation. Just being comfortable with yourself. One of the things I've started doing is buying myself flowers. They brighten up my room and keep me happy. I always get different types so that I can have different colors and blooms.

Some things I can do to love myself a little more is forgive myself for gaining some weight. It's ok. I've been through a lot lately, and it's ok to have fallen a bit off track. It doesn't mean I'm a loser or hideous or anything. In fact, I'm probably at a healthier weight now. My body has settled. I need to be ok with it, even if it means buying bigger clothes.

So what can you do to love yourself a little more? Be a little less judgmental? Show yourself the kindness you would a friend.

Stop self hate.

Let's get the sleep in order

Julie and I talked about my biggest problem lately: the sleep cycle is all messed up. Apparently, I'm not alone. "In fact, 43% of Americans between the ages of 13 and 64 say they rarely or never get a good night's sleep on weeknights, according to a recent poll by the National Sleep Foundation." I'm sure some of those people have the same problem I do, well, I think: side effects from meds.

Celexa can cause insomnia and so can depression, both of which I have. Julie thinks it's the caffeine intake. Probably because she see's me with a cup of coffee every time I go in. It's my ritual before therapy to get a cup of coffee. It's my only purchased coffee of the week, usually. I like latte's. What can I say?

Whatever the reason, my sleep is all messed up. I'm either not sleeping at all, or sleeping 12+ hours at a time. And I never know which night is going to be which. It just happens. I don't do anything differently. I don't drink extra caffeine or anything like that. I just sometimes can't even close my eyes I'm so awake.

"You need something to exhaust you during the day."

"Like a job?" I said, snarkily.

Situational depression sucks

I know I'm depressed, but there's just such a good reason for it. It's impossible to separate out the situational depression from the bipolar depression. Will increasing or changing meds help? Is the Celexa doing anything? I'm not suicidal, so that's good. Apparently one of them (Celexa or Lithium) is doing something. But not enough. I'm still depressed.

But what do I expect? Magic? Do I think the drugs are going to suddenly make it all better? They can't do that. Everything really is shitty. I mean, really. I can put a happy and grateful spin on everything like I've been doing for 6 months, but when you come down to it, my life is shitty right now. I could also point out that it's my own damn fault. Well, some of it. I need to get out there and do more things.

I signed up to volunteer at two events coming up. I love volunteering. I love the free t-shirt, most, but I love to get out there and be happy and smiling at events. I also signed up to be a volunteer at the Zoo's special events, so hopefully they email me soon about stuff. I used to work at the Zoo where I used to live and work their events. It was always so much fun.

So, you see, I'm trying. I'm trying to be optimistic and grateful and get out there. But I'm still depressed. So what's going to change it all? A job and an apartment of my own will help. A little of my independence back. A life. Getting to know more people and making more friends. Visiting my dog. What else can I do? Make this go away!

I stole this it was so good

So good, I stole it from Beyond Blue:

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego."

He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Think about that for a minute. The one you feed. The one you tend to. Of course, this applies to everything from depression to alcoholism. Sit around wallowing in your depression and you're sure to feel it. But do something kind for yourself and you'll feel better. Promise.

Julie has been telling me to buy myself flowers. I've actually been doing it, and I do feel special when I see them. I like flowers so much, and they really perk up my windowsill. Just a simple act of kindness to myself makes a world of difference.

So which one will you feed today?

A man walks into a docs office....

"'Our data suggest that a person who walks into a physician's office feeling sad will tend to recall experiencing more symptoms than they probably really did,' Suls said. 'If a person comes into the physician's office feeling fearful, they're more likely to scan their body and read any sensations they're experiencing at that moment as something wrong.'"

Apparently, you're neurotic, too. People with depression and anxiety often experience their symptoms in a physical sense. People with depression recall having had more symptoms than they probably did, and people with anxiety think they have it all right now. Interesting, huh? So when you go to the doctor with that constant "migraine" it might just be your depressive memory saying, "damn, I've had this headache for millions of years and it was so bad I couldn't think." I know I tell myself I have all sorts of diseases and syndromes (I'm totally a hypochondriac), but I tend not to report the bodily symptoms to the doc. I like to tough them out. I'm not saying it's smart, it's just what I do.

Anyway, it's always good to keep track of those things. Write it all down. How were you feeling today? Is it depression? Anxiety? Side effects? You never can tell, but it's good to have a record.

This is so not me right now

I like this, from over at Beyond Blue: Hypomania usually takes a bad habit and multiplies it by, say 100.

Damn, girl, ain't that the truth. What bad habit do you have? Let's make it 100% worse! Like to snort blow? Let's do it sunrise to sundown! Like to sleep with people? How about 5 this week? One for every day, you know!

At least, that's what my mania looks like. It takes me to awesome places of danger and expense of health and sanity. My hypomania looks more like shopping and overextending myself, which is probably good for me (well, not my credit cards). I also like to sign up for marathons and book plane tickets. A strange mania, indeed.

So where am I right now? I'm pretty depressed. I can feel it lurking under the surface. I just want to sleep, but I'm not tired. I just want to eat, but I'm not hungry. I need to work out, but my body just feels like it's dragging when I do. And I am not enthusiastic about anything. I don't feel so hot.

A little nap will do ya

I feel so stuck right now. I don't know what to do with myself. I have all that stuff in storage that needs to be gone through and sold. I have all sorts of stuff here that needs to be categorized in boxes and then moved to storage. I have job opportunities and I want to house hunt, but I don't even know where to look or in what price range.

As usual, I'm getting ahead of myself. It's all so overwhelming. So what do I want to do? I want to take a nap. I have this overwhelming urge to sleep right now. I just can't handle all the chaos that's going on around me. It's too much to think about, so I want to sleep.

Maybe just a little nap....

Bleh

It's been a tough, emotional kind of day. I didn't realize it until I sat here and tried to go to sleep, but my brain is all a twitter. Turning 31 while living at home is going to be really hard. I can't stand it already, and it's not even my birth month, for crying out loud.

We're moving all the stuff in the apartment to make room for new floors, and I had to pack up a stack of books in my room today. "Dad, these are yours." "No, they're all books that I thought you would want. They all mention your grandfather." Grandpa. I miss him a lot. He was my rock, my hero, the only adult in my life. I could rely on him for anything. I could have asked him for help right now. I wouldn't have, but I could have. He was solid. It's been 3 years. I can't believe it.

I feel so... bleh. I don't even have the energy to type it out. I can't even verbalize. It's just... bleh.

Separate worlds

"You are not your illness. It's just something you have that flares up every now and again. It's not you." - Julie

I need to learn how to separate me from the bipolar. I tend to think of myself always as ill first, and everything else second. But who am I without the illness? Well, I'm hella optimistic, I can tell you that. I'm in a spot right now where anyone would be depressed, and I'm ok. I really am. I'm confused, and a little torn, but I should be. It's natural to be up in the air about everything when everything is up in the air like it is. But I'm optimistic that it's all going to work out. Everything is going to be fine; better, even.

The horrible, suicidal depression I slipped into the other week isn't me, I have to remember that. It's not who I am, it's just a thing that happens. A flair up. It's like having psoriasis or some other disease where the symptoms present sometimes and you have to fix them with medications, and then they go away for a while. Going off meds always reminds me how much I need them. I mean, look at my posts. I'm suicidally depressed and yet questioning my diagnosis. Dumb. Makes me laugh at how delusional I can get, but scared, too. I need to keep myself on track. It's not ok to go off meds.

A burden shared

Last night my little 89 year old grandmother pushed her walker up to me, leaned in and said, "You don't have to shoulder this alone. You need help, you just ask for it. Don't worry about money. Stop trying to carry it all by yourself." Except it's cuter when she says it with a British accent.

And she's right. I don't have to carry the load of unemployment and depression all on my own. But I'm really bad at reaching out for help. I've never really done it before. I'm just bad at asking because I believe I can, and should be able to, take care of myself. I'm an adult, right? Adults solve their own problems? Apparently it still takes a village to support an adult.

But I did ask for help. I moved in with my dad. I asked my mom to take the dog and car. I asked my dad to help pay for meds. I didn't hesitate to reach out on any of those fronts. But the depression is just crippling. How do you accept help when you're so low that you don't even know what would help you?

It's funny: my dad leans on his sister and his mom for support. Know how I can tell? Cause the two of them have been trying to help and talking to me about how it's all going to work out all week. Ever since I told my dad I wasn't doing so hot, suddenly his family is all over me. And my aunt just came into town last night. She brought me a good luck charm, too. It's nice to know you have family who care.