Um, nevermind

As I was leaving my dad's house I noticed a piece of mail. "When did that come, dad?" "Oh, this morning." Huh. Cause on the front of it, it said I got into grad school. No one thought to tell me?

So, apparently I'm staying put. I'm a grad student, now. Who woulda thunk?

Bittersweet goodbyes

Just had a night on the town with all my old buddies. We went to the same bar we've been going to for decades, and sang the same songs, in front of the same crowd. There's something nice about that... But tonight was a goodbye. Last time I moved 3,000 miles away, I knew I'd be back someday. I didn't expect it to be under these circumstances, but such is life. Tonight, I know one thing for sure: you can never go home again.

Adam and I had a moment outside as he left, an I told him it was all about him: my coming home, my quitting smoking, my waiting. But I can't hold out hope anymore. He's not ready for a relationship, and I am. I love him, but it's just time to drop that dream. It's time to let go. Move on. Boy, does it hurt. But not like before. It's more of a dull ache- a longing for things to be different.

I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm going back to start fresh. I'm going to just be me, and not wait on anyone.

Seriously?

My grandma's best friend is staying with my dad this week while I'm here. Some friends of hers just came over, that I've known for a long time, but they haven't seen me since I moved.

"So, are you still liberal?"

Seriously? I just smiled and said, gosh, I think so!

It amazes me that I'm so different from my family. Is it just generational? How did I become a liberal and they're so conservative? Why don't tattoos or gay marriage bother me at all? I'm considering becoming a lesbian just to be the complete opposite of what they all believe in. I'm just flabbergasted right now.

24 club

Why aren't there meetings at 3am? Just clubhouses open all the time for insomniacs and the manic? Really, sometimes you just need a meeting and there aren't any around. The next one is at 7:30am, and I'm sure to crash before that. The internet just isn't that entertaining, and my friends are all asleep.

Brought to you by diet Coke

I just chatted with Adam and one of his first questions was, are you manic? Huh. Yeah. I think so. I think it's a combination of a lot of things. My meds are wacky because I'm taking only half my pills... I need to preserve them so I don't run out. I'm crabby, and I'm scared. I'm scared of leaving the coast where my family will take me in and HAS to help me out, to the coast where my friends don't have to let me in. I need to find a place to live that's my own, even if I'm sharing it with others. I don't feel comfortable couch surfing for very long. I didn't even like doing it with relatives.

Everything is still so up in the air. I have job interviews all over the country, but what if nothing pans out? What if something DOES pan out? I want to take this roadtrip, but I'm nervous about it being interrupted. I finally have given myself license to just take off, and what if I get a job? It would be ironic to get one now.

There are so many things I need to think about. I need to manage my drugs. I need more meds, and a source for them when I get to the other side. I need a place to stay. I need a job there. But where? And when? I think I'm just panicking a little.

But I can run away...

Horoscope:

When something is troubling you, it can be helpful to try to live in an illusion -- to keep yourself so distracted that you don't have to deal with unpleasant thoughts. This is an acceptable short-term solution, but it's a very bad long-term strategy. Today you need to face the reality of where you are and what has been going on. Reality is never as awful as you fear. Plus, you can't get control of your life if you don't see it accurately.

Beees!!

Feeling a little wacky today. It's over 100 degrees here, and I've already been outside most of the day. I just came back in, and now I'm twitchy. I want to go out and do something, but it really is oppressive out there. I'm not sure what to do with myself.

I'm chugging water, and that doesn't seem to help. I've got a headache and I feel like I could just lie down and nap. Sigh.

But you know what's cool? I don't feel like drinking booze. I was having a little trouble there for a while, just because I wanted an escape, but traveling a little has solved that. Perhaps I should just become a professional traveler? A gypsy?