Get on with it

My dad tells a story about me that says it all: My teacher called him one day to say that I was being rude. Knowing that wasn't like me, he asked me what I did. I said I was reading the textbook and she asked me to stop so that I wouldn't read ahead of schedule, and she got mad when I told her this was my second reading of the textbook.

I have no patience. I don't like to wait till the rest of the class catches up to me. I want to be done with it. I want to play piano right the first time, instead of having to take "lessons" (another story my dad tells - I thought I would just get it day 1).

That's kind of like the steps. The other day I told him someone I was thinking I had to make amends to on step nine and he laughed and said, "But you're on step 3!"

Typical me.

So I'm on step three. My sponsor and I are going to go over it again tomorrow, and then hit step four in the literature. My therapist and I decided 4 is going to be trouble for me. All the "character defects" I used in my youth to help me, or use now, that now only hurt me, are all kind of buried into my unconscious. I don't even know what I do, because all of my emotions are so compartmentalized. I used my intellect to try to control situations in order to keep myself safe. Is that manipulative? Yeah, but it kept me safe. Will it still be good to use that in some situations? Probably. I just need to see what is useful and what is preventing me from learning and growing.

Here I am, talking about step four. Sigh. Step three. Offer it up.

I'm really working on letting go and letting God have it. I'm trying to free my mind of expectations and really just live life on life's terms. Jesus, I'm starting to spout AAisms. I must be pretty sober now.