Obsession

"Obsession is a lie you tell yourself."

I get obsessed all the time. I focus on something I want, or just something, and make it the focal point of my dreams and day dreams. I think about it all the time and plan to make things happen. I plan my future around these things.

I need to stop doing that. These things I "want" aren't reality. I need to not plan around them, or even for them. It's like this whole job thing. The other day my mom told me I need to plan to be here with my dad for at least a year. That just kills me. I planned to be here three months, tops, but what if I don't get a job this round? I already had one place let me know they went with another candidate. What if that happens with all the places I interviewed? I can't just focus on maybe getting a job this time around. It might take me a year.

All I want is a place of my own and a schedule. I want to have to wake up in the morning, instead of forcing myself to get out of bed simply because it's daytime. I want to have something to do. I need money. I'm slowly draining my reserves (getting tattoos isn't helping, neither is the shopping) and I don't have a lot of money coming in. Whoever says people purposefully live on unemployment is full of shit. You can't live off this stuff without help.

And my obsession with Adam. Who am I to know what will come of it. Sometimes I dream that he'll just kiss me, but even I know that's not his way. He just wouldn't do it, so it's unrealistic to think of that. And do I really want him or is it just an obsession? I do love him, but do I love him more as a friend? I don't know. I've just been in love with him so long that I don't know what's real anymore.