Happy Mother's Day

There were so many mom issues brought up in the meetings today. Everyone either feels failed by, or failed their moms. It's amazing what power the person who carried us can still have over us, for the rest of our lives. What an amazing burden to put on someone! I've always believed that my mom is human, and defective, and can make mistakes. She tried as hard as she could to do a good job, and when she couldn't try anymore she at least made sure she had married a partner who could.

I don't know how I feel about my mom. I mean, I can sit here and say I love her, and I do because she's my mom, but I have massive resentments still. See, even though I know she's human and fallible doesn't mean I can't still resent the things she did. I know she often had no control, because of her mental illness and her own upbringing, but it's hard to forgive someone who abandoned you. Yes, she's a big part of my life even now, but I resent her a lot.

My dad always says love is built on trust. I don't trust her. I was always waiting for that other shoe to drop - for her to really lose it. There have been times I've plotted to kill her, and times she's almost killed me. Death has always been a constant in our relationship. I look at her scarred wrists and wonder, what if she had succeeded one of those times? What if she wasn't here anymore? Could I forgive her then, or would I be even more resentful?

What's nice is after 15 years of therapy I can say it wasn't about me. She didn't "do that to me," she just did things and they had ripple effects. She was never out to get me when she was hurting herself.

I still worry that she's going to kill herself, and it's been 6 years since she last tried. I still think that when she doesn't call she must be dead. Sometimes I walk up to her apartment half expecting it to be splattered in blood. It's happened before. I don't think I can ever trust her. But love? I think I can love her. I'm learning.