Permission

They say in the program, we'll love you until you can love yourself. And you know what's funny? I love myself, now. I didn't used to.

I always thought it was just part of being bipolar. I had an innate hatred of myself. I used and abused every substance I could just to keep down that pain, to keep from feeling just how much I didn't like myself. I would wake up in the mornings and think, shit. Another day.

And then this program came along, and I stopped abusing myself. I stopped treating myself like shit. I started taking time to notice my feelings and work through them. I started doing little things for myself. Even just the buying myself flowers thing totally worked. Little by little, I started to like me.

I never know what I'm going to say in a meeting, but tonight I recounted that. "And the best part, is today, I gave myself permission to do something I've always wanted to do. I looked into a PhD program. I realized I liked myself enough to spend that time and money on improving myself. And that's only thanks to the program of recovery that AA offers."

So tonight, I'm celebrating me. I'm taking a shower, and going to bed.