Home is where the ___ is

I really wish I could feel better, but I don't. I have so much in my life. I have people who love me, but I don't trust them to love me. I have a place to live, but I feel alienated from it. I have meetings to go to with people who care. And that's true.

I feel lost without a job. It gives you a reason to get up in the morning and do something. It gives you something to think about besides yourself. It introduces you to new people and new experiences. I like working.

And now that my time up north is coming to an end (my cousin gets her license back next week) I don't know what to do with myself. I have no reason to stay up here, but I have no reason to go "home." Home is just my dad's apartment with FOX news and no food. It's a twin bed and all my stuff stuffed into a small closet. It's living out of bags and boxes. It's not having my car or my dog. It's going to meetings and not feeling comfortable.

I need my own space. I was thinking of going to see my aunt in Indiana and then Jennifer, who is a few states south. Maybe I'll stay the rest of the summer with them. But what do I do in September? I can't imagine another year of this. I'll just have to get a retail job and an apartment somewhere. Start over. The year of self reflection must come to an end.