The toad prince

Tonight I sat outside on the phone and talked to Jennifer, Adam, and Michael. The whole time a giant toad sat two feet from me and stared. I don't know what he wanted, but he kept coming back. I tried to touch him twice, and he hopped away, but came back.

Adam worried me a bit this weekend when he was hanging on me and making comments about spending alone time together. I wanted to see how he was doing, and he's fine. Just the normal situations in his head. He's still working on him, which is important, and learning how to be alone (not in a relationship). It took me years to do that, so I expect nothing from him. "I have a lot of questions, and you don't have the answers," I said. He's just in a place where his spiritual development comes first, and I don't think he's even thinking about me. That hurts, a little. I want him to think about me; to think about us and all the possibilities there. But he doesn't, and that's got to be ok with me. I know I say this a lot, but I've just got to accept that he doesn't want to be with me, and move on.

And then there's Michael. Michael wants to marry me. He's asked a few times now, and he's coming out here in August to run a race with me. He is determined. I love Michael, I do, but there's no spark there. He's a great guy and a really good friend, but I don't crave him like I crave Adam.

My cousin keeps reminding me there are other people out there besides the two of them. I can look elsewhere. Perhaps someone who makes me feel that spark but who also wants me like Michael does. If I could just smush them together and create one man, that would be optimal! I don't have to settle for Michael, I'm in no rush to get married right now, and I don't have to wait for Adam. I can find someone entirely new.

But I don't want to. I want that familiarity. I want to feel as loved as Michael makes me feel, and I want that rush that Adam gives me. I feel like I'm going to cave under Michael's pressure. He does offer stability, love, and health insurance.

Maybe I should just disappear for a bit....Go off to toad princess land.