Just a thought

I'm still thinking about what I just said: I really regret the abortions. I seriously hadn't let myself feel that emotion, or any of the emotions that came with it.

Shortly after my second abortion, I had my suicide attempt. I'm pretty sure it had something to do with my hormones being out of wack, my alcoholism, and my bipolar all coming together in a perfect storm. I was pretty fucked up that whole time.

Sometimes you don't know something until you write it down, so I'm going to think about this again. I wish I hadn't had an abortion. The second one, especially. You would think I would have learned how much it hurt me emotionally the first time. And I knew it at the time: this is going to be a bad idea. I just hated myself more after. And that was hard to do; I was so hateful to myself already. It's amazing how I had the capacity to love others and not myself. They say you can't truly love anyone until you love yourself, but I don't know if I believe it. I can see what people would love about me, but that doesn't mean I love myself.

God, I hate crying. I don't do it very often. It takes a lot. When Adam left after visiting this summer, I balled. I was driving out of the airport and a song came on that I used to listen to when we broke up. It was Snow Patrol, Chasing Cars, which for some reason made me cry uncontrollably. I missed him so much already.

And now I'm crying again. Twice in one summer, or even one year, is pretty unheard of for me. But step four isn't easy. It brings up that stuff you don't want to think about. They say it's a release as well. I suppose actually feeling these emotions is a release. It hurts, but it'll feel better after. Walk through the pain, right?

Emotion words

How the hell am I feeling? I told Adam I was feeling crazy and he told me not to use that word. That telling myself I'm crazy probably doesn't help. So how the hell am I feeling?

A list of emotion words.

Agitated. Anxious. Nervous. Helpless. Depressed. Yep, crazy. I don't associate crazy with bad things. I guess I just always use it as my adjective. But let's see how using other words helps as I begin to be able to identify my feelings.

I'm so used to stuffing them down with substances. As they're coming up, I'm... feeling. And I don't like them, and I want them to go away, but I've realized I don't even know what they are!

Today at work my boss told me he didn't like the cartoony thing I designed for our big event. Ok, so my designer did it, but I gave her direction. I think it's beautiful and showcases the thoughts we talked about going into the project. But he hates it. I was angry at first, and now I feel humiliated. Huh. I Feel. I feel embarrassed. I just wanted him to be pleased, and now I feel like I can't do anything right in his eyes, though he said he thinks I got the concept. So it wasn't a total loss. I'm going to go back to work tomorrow and work on it again, and hope that I can create something that will be acceptable without needing to put my hopes into it. It is just a project, not a reflection of my character.

Wait! This is it: Post acute withdrawl is totally how I'm feeling.