Easy there, tiger

"The slogan "Easy Does It" is one way we A.A.’s remind each other that many of us have tendencies at times to overdo things, to rush heedlessly along, impatient with anything that slows us down. We find it hard to relax and savor life."

Ahh, relax. I have such trouble with this. I just want to do things right and right now, and so I rush them. Simple things like getting the line down at work makes me so anxious that I rush and mess up the register. Slow. Down. It's not a race. People can wait an extra 2 seconds for you to type in the right codes the first time. It'll go faster if you focus on doing it right.

I've been thinking a lot lately about living in the moment; being where my feet are. Sitting at the bar last night I was trying to concentrate on the conversation at hand, not on the fact that I wanted to leave or join another good-looking group. I try to focus on the hot water in the shower, the sound of my feet hitting the ground when I walk, savor the taste of something instead of think about how hungry I am or how unsatisfying soup is when you want something else.

Is it working? Sometimes. Sometimes I'm able to give myself that little moment of pause and celebrate whatever I'm doing. I've slowed down a lot, I think, but not enough. I need to appreciate what I have right now: be where my feet are.

Step three

"..for it God Who works in you to will and act according to His good purpose."
(Phil. 2:13)

God is really teaching me step three all over again. Let go and let God. Hand it all over to him. All this stuff with the job loss and the housing situation; it's not for me to worry about. I just need to relax and do as He asks of me. Let the situations speak for themselves.

I'm awake

I don't want to be awake. I want it to be tomorrow. I want to wake up and hear the news, and then start putting everything into motion.

Adam said to me tonight, "It's in God's hands now." And he's right. There's nothing I can do about the outcome, except put on a good face for tomorrow's interview. I just have to be my regular professional self on the phone,and tell the truth about my qualifications for the position. With God's help, I'll do a good job. With patience, I'll get through this.

Obviously I still need to practice step three a lot. Give it up. Give the outcome over to God and just do your best. That's so damn hard! It's hard not to force my will on a situation and jump the gun. I have boxes and bubble wrap here, and all I want to do is pack! I just want to wrap my plates and blender in bubble wrap. I just want to take things down from the walls and patch the holes. I want to tell my slumlord that I'm outta here!

I want, I want, I want. I need, need, to just relax and let things happen as they will. Let go and let God.

Relax, don't do it

"Lighten up while you still can, don't even try to understand. Just find a place to make your stand, and take it easy." - The Eagles

So we're back to the theme of relaxing. Adam reminded me last night to take it easy on myself. "More will be revealed. You don't have to figure it all out right now." Easy to say, not so easy to do.

I'm a perfectionist. I like to accomplish things, and do them right the first time. Since I'm impatient as well, I often screw things up and have to redo them. And then I get frustrated and angry with myself.

I've sailed through the first 3 steps, thinking, "I got this, man. I've got a God. I'm accepting of my disease and it's control over me. I can give it up to Him and let go." But according to all my posts, I'm still having trouble handing it over. I'm having trouble living by the moment. I can do it, most of the time, but I'm still trying to be in control.

I need to learn how to just relax. I need to learn to let go of control, and slow down those buzzing bees in my brain. It's all going to be ok. We will be relieved of emotional insecurity; amazed before we are halfway through. Let's hope so.