I've lost control

To play on that theme: I'm not in control of my life. I feel absolutely out of control. I spent the past 7 years totally on my own; paying my own bills, buying cars, renting apartments, moving, etc. And now? I have nothing. My mom has my car and dog, my life is in storage, and I'm living with dad. I feel trapped (I am trapped. I can't afford to move). It's a debilitating feeling.

So what do I want to do? Well, what do I have control over? My body! Right! So what do I want to do with my body? Well, besides smoke, I want change! What does change look like? Hair dye. Piercings. New tattoos.

I bought new lipstick yesterday, hoping that would do something. It's nice. And I do like to experiment with lipstick. But I would have to get dressed and leave the house, too. So, no going to happen. Well, that's not true. I've been out of the house a lot and with a lot of different people. Just not lipstick places.

Piercings. Can't think of where I would want one. I think I'm done with piercings.

Hair dye. Or hair changes. This is a valid option, though my hair is finally its natural color and a nice length. I like it the way it is. I do love really short hair, but people tell me I look like a lesbian, and that's no way to attract a boy. Man. I should say man. Boys are stupid. Let's look for a man. Ugh, I don't even want to think about that.

I'm getting my next installation of tattoo at the end of March. It's a long time to wait! Jesus. A month?

Ok, now my head hurts. I just want to go back to bed....

One moment at a time

When I was 11 I offhandedly told my dad that when I was with my mom I was in control. I knew then that she was out of control. So I developed a way to control my surroundings in order to keep myself safe. I developed a way to control her, as well. I kept that control all my life and plotted out every moment before it happened. I have spreadsheets detailing the pros and cons of things, the steps I need to take (even the 12 steps), and my five year plan.

So step three has been pretty hard for me. I can accept that there is a power greater than myself. I can accept that he's in charge, and that I am His tool to make things happen. I know I am just a vessel.

But it's giving up that control that takes me some time. I've stopped trying to control my mom, and I feel peace in that relationship. When I was able to give up control of the outcome of Adam's visit, I felt incredible peace with the moment. I was able to just take it one day at a time.

So I need to do that with my sobriety. One day at a time, one moment at a time, I need to be able to give it up to God and stop trying to take control over everything. I need to recognize that having my own five year plan isn't feasible, because God has his own idea about how it's going to go. I have no control over the outcome of situations, I can just make sure I get into good situations by not drinking.

I know that things will work out the way they're supposed to.

Relax, don't do it

"Lighten up while you still can, don't even try to understand. Just find a place to make your stand, and take it easy." - The Eagles

So we're back to the theme of relaxing. Adam reminded me last night to take it easy on myself. "More will be revealed. You don't have to figure it all out right now." Easy to say, not so easy to do.

I'm a perfectionist. I like to accomplish things, and do them right the first time. Since I'm impatient as well, I often screw things up and have to redo them. And then I get frustrated and angry with myself.

I've sailed through the first 3 steps, thinking, "I got this, man. I've got a God. I'm accepting of my disease and it's control over me. I can give it up to Him and let go." But according to all my posts, I'm still having trouble handing it over. I'm having trouble living by the moment. I can do it, most of the time, but I'm still trying to be in control.

I need to learn how to just relax. I need to learn to let go of control, and slow down those buzzing bees in my brain. It's all going to be ok. We will be relieved of emotional insecurity; amazed before we are halfway through. Let's hope so.

What's the difference?

Fate: the will or principle or determining cause by which things in general are believed to come to be as they are or events to happen as they do.

Destiny: a predetermined course of events often held to be an irresistible power or agency

Turning it over to God: believing that a power greater than yourself is in control.

I believe in fate and destiny. I also believe in God. I believe I can turn things over to the care of God, as I understand him. So what's the difference? My therapist asked me this this afternoon, and I'm not sure I know, yet.

Ok, so "the hand of destiny" is believing that something is bigger than you and is in control. The Fates are mythical beings in control of your life. Then there's God. All of these things are bigger than you, and are in control where you are not.

From a new age blog: "The Bible has the wonderful passage in Ecclesiastes 1-5, where it states; there is a time in our lives to build up, and to knock down, to be born to marry and to die. In other words every thing happens for a reason, and also when it happens."

Right. Things happen on God's time and not yours. It's your destiny, fate, His will. I don't think I get the difference, if there is one....

Control

So last night Adam accused me of being controlling. I was attempting to convince him to do something, something I think would be of benefit to us both, and he said I was trying to control the situation.

I really thought about it afterwards. Was I trying to manipulate him into doing my will? Was I really trying to control the situation by imposing my ideas on him? Maybe. I thought I was just trying to let him see the benefits of the situation - the good that would come of it - but I was doing it to benefit myself, and him. But what do I know about other people? I can't make a decision for him on what's best for him. I have to let him come to that decision himself.

So I'm not going to talk about it anymore. I'm going to remind myself to let go and let him make his own choices.

Losing control is constantly reminding yourself to let go. Not manipulate. Not even try to convince. Just listen.

Let go and let God.

There's such a theme to my posts lately, probably because I'm on step 3.

We discussed step 6 today in my woman's meeting. Letting God remove all these character defects. One of my biggies is I'm controlling. I really like to have control over what's going on. I've always been that way, and it was only exacerbated by my upbringing. See, my mom is out of control. There was always something happening with her: suicide attempts, getting lost, getting kicked out of whole countries. And I always was the designated rescue agent. Go pick her up from the airport. Go take her to the shelter. Get her food stamps and social security. Give the doctors her medical history. Make sure she's doing this, or that. Mothers' caretaker.

So I was always in control of an out of control situation. Things would happen, and I would bring order to chaos and get everything under control.

And it's just permeated my life. I've tried to be in control of everything, whether I could have any say in it or not.

So step three has been really hard for me. It's all about letting go of your death grip on things and letting God, or whatever, take over the reins. Admitting that you don't have control is easy. Letting go is not.

Talked with my sponsor tonight, and she said I don't have to do it all NOW. I don't have to be perfect. I just have to try. So I'm breathing and I'm saying it now: thy will not mine. Thy will not mine. I turn it over to you, God. Do as you may.