Right where I am

"So I said fuck it, I'm done with you people. I've heard all I need to hear: the same old stories, the same old platitudes. I have a ton of literature, I have phone numbers that I use, I have a connection to a higher power, and I journal. What else can you possibly have for me?" And they all laughed. "Damn right!" someone yelled.

"So I took a break. And then this morning my horoscope told me to come back. I didn't want to. Well, that's not true. I needed my 7 month chip. I do love the chips. And so I'm here, and I'm glad. I think that one thing that was missing from my program was this. I need the fellowship. I need to hear your stories, because as similar as they are, they're always different and they always hold some grain of truth I've been looking for. So yeah, I may not want to sometimes, but I'll keep coming back."

George came up to me after the meeting. "You know, you're right where you should be. Everyone feels that way sometimes, especially in their first year. You get this feeling that it's all bullshit, but they tell you to keep coming back, so you do. Just keep coming back through all the crazy."

Rich said, "All you need to do is just not drink and relax. Don't take it all so seriously. You aren't perfect, you just need to make progress, you know?"

"It takes as many months to clean out your brain as it did years to use. So how long did you use?" "Hm," I wondered aloud, "I guess let's just call it 15 years." "And what month are you on?" "7 1/2." "And there you go," George said. "You've got a few more months of complete crazy to get through before it starts to clear up more."

So I'm right where I should be. I'm in the rebellious teenage years of AA membership. Keep coming back, and maybe I'll just start to like it again.

Dreaming of a girl like you

Woah. I had a dream last night that I went out and did something and then picked up a six pack. I was walking home from somewhere and passed this familiar little kiosk area with an outdoor 7-11-like set up. I grabbed a six pack of beer, I don't know which kind, and put it on the counter. I also bought two packs of cigarettes, and not even my brand. I was paying when I woke up, but I distinctly remember having the conversation with myself: is this what you really want to be doing?

And I asked myself just that. Do you really want this? A beer? I'm not the biggest beer drinker, though I did used to enjoy them time to time, especially with burgers. But I told myself yes, I did want one.

And this was my horoscope for today: For Monday, January 10 -Being a joiner isn't for everyone, but you should consider aligning yourself with a group today. There are many perks you're missing out on, including the fact that seeing a group of diverse people on a regular basis will open your world to all sorts of exciting new stimulation. Seek out groups based around topics or issues you're interested in -- or a pastime you enjoy. Dancing lessons might also be a fun way to learn and exercise while you discover a new passion.

Does that scream get your ass to a meeting or what? I haven't yet, I slept the day away, but the day isn't over. I have to work now, but I get off at 8 and there's an 8:30 not far from here. We'll see if I have any follow through today.

Ah, ye temptresses of the night

It's confession time! It's been hard this week working in the store because we have a really great wine selection, and the owner is really into wine. He offered me a bottle and I told him I didn't drink. "Ah," he said, "My wife doesn't drink either. She said she had enough of it before she met me." I told him that was my thing too: I'd just had enough of it. And I have. But making the signs for the different regions and wines, visiting winery websites, especially of places I've been to before or places like Argentina where I would love to go, makes it hard. Can't you just imagine sitting on a vine covered patio in the cool breeze of the midday sipping a honeysuckle chardonnay and munching on fresh berries? I've done it before, and man was it fun. But I'll never have that moment with wine again.

Well, I shouldn't say never. I'm making the decision not to drink for just today. That's all I can say. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? One day at a time, and all that jazz.

Another thing we have is cigarettes. My job is really dull, and standing there pretty much alone for 6 hours had me staring at the cigarettes thinking, "I could just step out the back door...." But I thought about the taste and how really gross it is. "But if you just get past the first one...," nothing. Nope. Gross.

It's been a month and a half since I quit smoking, 7 1/2 since I quit drinking, and I have no reason to want to go back to either. I think having to think about them and look at them for hours on end kinda sucks, but I'll have to get used to being around things that make me uncomfortable one of these days.

You know what the best thing to do would be? Go to a meeting.

Brida

"She wanted to follow all possible paths and so ended up following none. After her first romantic disappointment, she had never again given herself entirely. She feared pain, loss, and separation.

These things were inevitable on the path to love, and the only way of avoiding them was by deciding not to take that path at all. In order not to suffer, you had to renounce love. It was like putting out your own eyes not to see the bad things in life."

Paulo Coehlo is a genius.

Dinner, but no movie

Adam and I went out yesterday and had dinner and then went out for coffee after. We checked out a place he likes that is new to me, but it was a nice little coffee shop in a great, burgeoning section of town. We grabbed some coffee and then sat in the window and settled in for a game of backgammon.

As you may have figured out by now, Adam and I are a lot alike. We're both pretty open and loving people, but also both really stubborn and can be immovable objects. And man can we fight. So a little game of backgammon turned into yelling in the parking lot and trying not to cry in the car, making sure he didn't notice. I was pissed, and just wanted to get the hell away from him at that moment, but there was no other place I wanted to be than beside him. Tragic, isn't it?

We drove in almost silence back to my house, occasionally spitting out something about how one was sorry, or this was about more than backgammon, and then he asked me what else was going on. I spit out, "My life is fucking miserable right now." And then realized what I had done. Luckily, he didn't run with it, but it's out there. Like he didn't know I was miserable, but I'm not, really. I'm just depressed, I think. I mean, I have a lot to be grateful for, and a lot of great things going. I have so many opportunities right now. And that's where I'm at the majority of the time. It's just the occasional feeling sorry for myself and horribly miserable. It's getting worse the longer I'm unemployed, but at least I can monitor it with my doc.

Anyway, that set me off. We pulled up at the intersection of two highways and I managed to squeak out through tears, "Please don't make me go home." He jacked the wheel and pulled us onto the highway that led to his house.

This morning when we got up we had breakfast, played video games, and then ran errands. I finally got some sunglasses to replace the ones I lost on Christmas, so I don't feel as blind outdoors now. He got a great shirt and the biggest damn umbrella I've ever seen. Well, I've seen bigger, but it's big. We had pizza and sodas, and then he returned me to my house. It was a really nice day, or two days. I had fun with him, like always, and we got in a little time cuddling, too, which is good for the soul.

He dropped me off and said, "It's almost like we went on a date last night." I said something snarky about not taking it personally, and immediately regretted it. He was being sweet, and I was jabbing it back in his face because his nicety hurt. Like a date. We have the weirdest relationship. If anyone on the outside looked at us they would think we're dating, but we're not. We just have a very touchy-feely, intimate kind of relationship. Does that bother me? Sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I'm dating someone who doesn't want to have sex with me, and other times I feel like he's just my best friend and we're both just lonely and need physical contact. I don't know what it is, and I suppose it's the former, because I tend to lash out at him when he says nice things like that.

His birthday is next week and I suggested we do this again and I'll make him breakfast in bed. Perhaps I'll just come over in the morning and do it. He said he needs to be careful who he sleeps with, and almost explained, but then as he remembered I reminded him he didn't need to explain himself. He said he'd been warned. One word: sponsor.

I don't know if it's that I don't have a year, or that I'm unemployed and depressed, or that I hurt him in the past, or that he's only a year out of a long-term relationship, or if it's all of those things or none. All I know is it drives me crazy how careful he's being. As his friend, I want him to be careful, I want him to be sure. But as a girl I hope is a prospect for him, I'm sick of the excuses. He says he doesn't know how he feels about me, but if I can read body language at all, then that has to be a cover for something else, something like, I'm scared.

Meds = Happiness?

The picture is right: I don't know how anyone else does it without meds. The world can just be such a disappointing place to live. There are horrible things that happen in the world; horrible, depressing things that make you question the whole purpose of humanity.

But then there are the great things in life: the trees and lakes, the smell of rain, snowflakes that stay on your nose and eyelashes, love. The world can be a beautiful place. And I suppose that's how most people get by: they focus on the good; they have short term memory for the bad. At least, that sounds right to me.

A simple prayer

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next."

Now, we all know the first part, but what about the rest of the prayer? And why don't we say it more often? It's full of good stuff. "Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time." One day, one moment at a time, and really living them, really enjoying every moment and not trying to think of the next one or the next. No strategy, no next steps, but living, truly living the moment. Sure, you need to take time to plan a little, I mean, God's not going to tell you what to wear to work tomorrow, but you know your HP will take care of the big stuff. Just live in that moment and enjoy it for what it is.

Which leads us to taking this "world as it is, not as I would have it." Life isn't here to make us happy. The purpose of life isn't to be happy. Happiness is fleeting. But when you take things as they are and as God or HP is presenting them to you, you can expect to be reasonably happy here on earth. And isn't that all we really need? To be better than miserable? And remember, misery is optional.

So try and say the full prayer sometimes. Remind yourself that it's about living one day at a time, the best you can, and not expecting things to be perfect. Remember, it's all progress, not perfection.