Dinner, but no movie

Adam and I went out yesterday and had dinner and then went out for coffee after. We checked out a place he likes that is new to me, but it was a nice little coffee shop in a great, burgeoning section of town. We grabbed some coffee and then sat in the window and settled in for a game of backgammon.

As you may have figured out by now, Adam and I are a lot alike. We're both pretty open and loving people, but also both really stubborn and can be immovable objects. And man can we fight. So a little game of backgammon turned into yelling in the parking lot and trying not to cry in the car, making sure he didn't notice. I was pissed, and just wanted to get the hell away from him at that moment, but there was no other place I wanted to be than beside him. Tragic, isn't it?

We drove in almost silence back to my house, occasionally spitting out something about how one was sorry, or this was about more than backgammon, and then he asked me what else was going on. I spit out, "My life is fucking miserable right now." And then realized what I had done. Luckily, he didn't run with it, but it's out there. Like he didn't know I was miserable, but I'm not, really. I'm just depressed, I think. I mean, I have a lot to be grateful for, and a lot of great things going. I have so many opportunities right now. And that's where I'm at the majority of the time. It's just the occasional feeling sorry for myself and horribly miserable. It's getting worse the longer I'm unemployed, but at least I can monitor it with my doc.

Anyway, that set me off. We pulled up at the intersection of two highways and I managed to squeak out through tears, "Please don't make me go home." He jacked the wheel and pulled us onto the highway that led to his house.

This morning when we got up we had breakfast, played video games, and then ran errands. I finally got some sunglasses to replace the ones I lost on Christmas, so I don't feel as blind outdoors now. He got a great shirt and the biggest damn umbrella I've ever seen. Well, I've seen bigger, but it's big. We had pizza and sodas, and then he returned me to my house. It was a really nice day, or two days. I had fun with him, like always, and we got in a little time cuddling, too, which is good for the soul.

He dropped me off and said, "It's almost like we went on a date last night." I said something snarky about not taking it personally, and immediately regretted it. He was being sweet, and I was jabbing it back in his face because his nicety hurt. Like a date. We have the weirdest relationship. If anyone on the outside looked at us they would think we're dating, but we're not. We just have a very touchy-feely, intimate kind of relationship. Does that bother me? Sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I'm dating someone who doesn't want to have sex with me, and other times I feel like he's just my best friend and we're both just lonely and need physical contact. I don't know what it is, and I suppose it's the former, because I tend to lash out at him when he says nice things like that.

His birthday is next week and I suggested we do this again and I'll make him breakfast in bed. Perhaps I'll just come over in the morning and do it. He said he needs to be careful who he sleeps with, and almost explained, but then as he remembered I reminded him he didn't need to explain himself. He said he'd been warned. One word: sponsor.

I don't know if it's that I don't have a year, or that I'm unemployed and depressed, or that I hurt him in the past, or that he's only a year out of a long-term relationship, or if it's all of those things or none. All I know is it drives me crazy how careful he's being. As his friend, I want him to be careful, I want him to be sure. But as a girl I hope is a prospect for him, I'm sick of the excuses. He says he doesn't know how he feels about me, but if I can read body language at all, then that has to be a cover for something else, something like, I'm scared.